Beware of the Bullshit

I have been pursuing an account for almost 8 months now, and I am getting great feedback and almost no orders. I have great rapport with everyone in the place! Hell I even know the janitor's first name for god's sake. But still no orders.

So today, I decided I was going to find out from the doctors, the nurses, the night watchman, why the hell there were no orders coming from this account. I held an in service (for the 6th time), demonstrated our products...AGAIN. And finally ask if they had any questions. As usual they said no. So I responded as follows:

"No one has any questions at all? Well I have a question for all of you."

Every one's eyes just kind turned up from the food they were eating. I had their attention...finally.

"Do guy's believe anything I'm saying about these products or do you think. Pardon my French. That it's all just bullshit. That they don't actually work?", and I said this without a smile. Just to see their reactions.

Everyone was shocked. But they had no problems speaking up.

"Wow. Uh that's awkward. Way to spoil our lunch M.", said one of the nurses.

I was not deterred. "Well, listen I like to come here and chat, but if you guys don't believe in the product, I can't force you to use it. I could be the best salesman in the world but if you don't like it then why buy it."

" We don't buy it because we don't like it. And frankly I don't like this line of questioning.", said the doctor.

"Finally!", I said, "Some feedback." and then I smiled. "Thank you doc. What don't you like about it."

"It's not as pliable or malleable as you say it is. It doesn't conform the way we want it to.", he answered.

"Okay that's all I wanted to hear. I just couldn't understand why no one told me that before.", was my response.

"Because we like you, and like having you come around. You're funny.", answered another nurse.

"Thanks. But if I'm not helping you then I'm not doing my job. In reference to the product you mentioned doc. We have a line of that product that is thicker and more absorbent and you might try that one. Just give it a shot on a patient and see what happens."

"Alright, I will. But don't get mad at me if I don't like it."

"Doc, I can't get mad about that. It's a matter of personal choice. I just am happy I found out why you weren't ordering. It makes me feel so much better to know the reason, then just be in limbo. Thanks for letting me know."

"No problem. Can we eat now.", he said and then started to laugh.

"One more question." I said and they all looked at me with disapproving eyes.

"Can you validate my parking?", and the whole room burst out into laughter.

I would rather a person be honest with me and tell me why they don't want to buy, then drag it out. As a salesperson until we hear the word "NO", we always hold out hope we'll make the sale. But if the prospect never says no, we just keep coming back for more. As long as we haven't been rejected, we feel like we've got a shot. It's like that scene from the movie "Dumb and Dumber"
When Lloyd is told he has a one in a million shot to date his dream girl Mary.

His response, "So you're telling me there's a chance!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=KX5jNnDMfxA

Don't be a Lloyd and hang on when your chances are one in a million. MOVE ON!

My First Time

I never wanted to be a sales person. In fact, my dad explained to me that sales people were simply “evil”. They would lie, cheat, poison, drug, or do anything they could to their clients to make a sale. Since my dad dealt mainly with car sales people, and insurance sales reps, I think his perception of sales people was somewhat jaded. Even though the reps might have been completely honest with him, his philosophy was , “Never trust a salesman. They’re the lowest form of person on the planet.” So for me to even be writing about the sales profession, is indeed remarkable.

When I was younger,(much younger),and sales people would visit our house, I would leave because I was afraid their dishonesty and sinfulness would somehow infect me. They always drove nice cars, and lived in nice houses, but I had always perceived they acquired these things by selling their souls, or the souls of their children, to the devil

Or maybe they were stealing and selling organs, or worse yet babies, on the black market. I never actually thought they were people. My parents had turned my perception of sales people upside down, and I never really envisioned them as leading normal lives. Playing with their kids, taking them to school, saving for their college tuition…normal stuff. I assumed they were more like vampires, werewolves, or worse!-CEO’s!. Sucking the life blood out of everyone they came in contact with. If you looked into their eyes they would suck the life right out of you.
So when I decided to take the plunge and become a full time sales person it was after years of working in a sales and service capacity. I was basically selling myself, and the service I provided. I WAS the company to my customers, and I found that if I was nice, cordial, and sociable, people liked me and bought a great deal of my company’s product. Even though I was simply providing a service they spoke with me at length, and by developing a relationship they purchased products from me, LOTS OF PRODUCTS. Even though it seemed like “easy money”, I never could bring myself to just sell. I didn’t have the confidence in my sales ability to simply walk into a business, and solicit my products and services. It made me uncomfortable, and I felt “pushy”. Just the kind of sales person my father would hate to meet. I was reluctant to say the least, to go out and see customers without so much as a phone call. So a “cold call” was one of my biggest fears.

The first time I went out in the field with a rep, was a lot of fun, but also a pain in the ass. I already had plenty of experience in servicing people but very little experience selling. The rep who was “training” me, drove around and around and around, looking for the ideal neighborhood to stop and cold call customers. We must’ve drove in 5 different areas, and for roughly 2 hours before I finally said, “If you don’t stop the car, I think I’ll kill myself.”

“I’’m looking for the right place to cold call.”, he responded and simply continued driving.

“To me it looks like your just wasting time. We could’ve call on 20 people by now. Do we really need to keep driving around trying to find the perfect place. Is there a perfect place to cold call?”, I just wanted out of the car.

“ Okay if it’s so easy smart guy, let’s go here. This’ll be your very first cold call. “,and then he paused for a moment, looked at me and said “EVER! No pressure though.”

Then he chuckled and pulled the car over in an industrial area where there were warehouses everwhere. Every different business was represented, so I felt happy since we were pushing bathroom products at the time.

“Okay big man. Here’s the brochure, you got your cards, and I’ll be right behind you. Now keep in mind not everyone is going to be nice. So don’t push too hard for the appointment, just try to get info and then we can call them to set an appointment if we need to.”

“Whatever. I know what I’m doing. I think I got it.”, I was way too cocky.

“Okay Mr. Know It All. I’ll be right with you to help out if something goes wrong.”, He was being way too nice.

“ I got this, I’ll be fine. Piece of cake.” I responded with false confidence. This was my first, but not my only mistake.

I saw a group of businesses all in an industrial complex, and figured if I was going to start selling this would be a good place. The complex was clean, one of those newer ones, with lots of buildings and suites set up to cater to businesses. It was extremely industrial but looked vibrant. As if all the businesses were bursting with activity. I walked into the first place I saw, not paying any attention to the sign overhead or the “No Solicitors” on the door, and recognized an older, gruff looking gentlemen behind the counter.

“Hi I’m M, from Fill In the Blank Company . Are you the owner?”, I said and extended my hand for him shake.

He looked down at my hand as if it were disfigured or covered with some infectious disease and responded in a loud and irritated tone of voice, “Whatever the f3$@k you’re selling I ain’t buying sorry.”

I knew exactly how to respond to his tone. I had experienced almost 7 minutes of extensive training on how to handle this objection. “I’m not selling anything, I just want to leave this brochure and call you later to make an appointment.” And I thrust my brochure towards him.

“Heh are you deaf? I’m not buying anything. So don’t try to give me your stupid brochure, I’m just gonna throw it in the trash.”, he said and looked again at my hand as if trying to discern if it were real or not.

Again, I knew how to handle this one, and I had experienced almost 8 ½ minutes of training on how to handle this second objection.

“Sir I’m not trying to sell you anything. Just want to show you what we have to offer, at another time. Are you available later this week? Do mornings or afternoons work better for you?”

“ Listen a-hole, do I have to call the cops. You people keep coming in here every couple months, trying to talk to me about how you’re going to help my business, and improve my productivity, and I can still be in charge of this and that. It’s all BS. Now take your stupid flyer and get outta here!”, and as he said this he took the flyer from my hand and threw it on the ground. At this point I felt completely insulted.

“No need to be rude. I’ll just take my brochure and leave. You should learn manners”, I said forcefully, but politely.

“I’m rude?! I’m rude?! Hey stupid, can’t you read the sign out front and the one behind me? I’m your competitor! I can’t believe you Fill In the Blank bigwigs have the balls to come in here and try to buy my business. Now get the f#$@k outta here!”, his eyes were red with anger and dismay at my audacity. He pointed at the sign behind the counter. It read, “Cal Kleen Restroom Products and Services since 1959”.

My jaw dropped. I tried to mutter something in response but all that came out was, “Since 1959 huh?”

In embarrassment I turned and rushed out the door. My fellow rep was already ahead of me, rushing back to the car.
As we each opened our car door he looked at me and said, “I thought that went well. Didn’t you?”, and then he nearly died laughing!

That was my first cold call. Quite impressive I must say. I mean how could it get any worse? But I learned a number of valuable lessons that day. The most important being never to take myself too seriously. How could I after that fiasco. But I learned and tried over and over again to practice my techniques and develop my skills as a sales rep. And believe it or not, I got better.
Since, that time I have been living and working in a number of different industries, and I’ve heard hundreds of funny stories related to Sales and more specifically to sales people. I’ve met some wonderful people throughout my career(s), and I’ve met some real a-holes. Mostly the people in charge were the a-holes but on occasion, I would have a great boss, with a great attitude. Good boss, bad boss, it didn’t matter they all had some Sales story they wanted to share with me.

However one thing that I’ve noted in all the time I’ve been involved in Sales and the Sales process, this is a FUNNY business! In fact, it’s so funny, I thought it would make a great blog. Now there are a few people who I’ve come in contact with, who will read this blog and say, “Heh that sounds like my story!”. That’s what’s great about sales, is that we can all relate to each one of these sales tales, and derive something good from them. And I don’t doubt that any one of these could be YOUR story, but I’m writing mostly from my experience and the experience of a few other friends. Either way, I hope you enjoy these stories and they bring you as much joy reading them, as they did for me writing them.

Absurdly yours,

-M