If you've read any of my earlier blog posts, you know that I have a dog, and I take her to the dog park 2-3 times per week. So therefore you can label me a "dog person". However do not lump me in with some of the overly zealous "dog freaks", that I meet regularly at the dog park. Maybe it's the California sun which has baked their minds, but some of these people are frigging weird.
A few weeks ago, as I was entering the park, I good looking couple was standing near the entrance, and as I let my dog into the park the gentleman bent down and naturally my dog went over to him, because she's an extremely social animal...unlike me. He bent down and she put her paws on his knees and started licking his face which he seemed to enjoy a great deal, almost too much. If he had known that she had just ate cat shit about ten minutes earlier, I don't think he would have allowed her to redeposit the cat's fecal matter onto his lips and face. However, I wasn't going to share that bit of what I considered "useless" information.
"Does doggy like to give kisses?" he kept saying as my dog wagged her tail and lick at his face, "Oh yes doggy likes to give kisses. Yes oh yes doggy likes to give kisses.", he said in a weird child like but almost Buffalo Bill, "Silence of The Lambs", type of voice. It was a bit disturbing to me, but his wife seemed to be enjoying this almost vulgar display of human and canine interaction. I was tempted to ask that the two of them get a hotel room.
My dog continued to dote on him, and he asked, "Is this your baby?"
This question confounded me since I could clearly see that this was a dog, so I answered, "What?"
"Is this your baby?", he said and he held my dog's head in his hands and scratched her ears.
"Uh no. It's my dog. If that's what you mean?", I said a bit confused by his obvious confusion about the classification of the two species. Having read dog books I knew my dog was a member of canis lupus familiaris species, while a baby was a homo sapien.
"Oh no. That's what I meant. Is this your dog?"
"I was confused. Yes that's my dog. Yep that's her", I said awkwardly and stuffed my hands in my pockets.
"Such a beautiful baby", he said and kept scratching the dog's ears. I don't know why, but I was reminded of a scene from the movie "Swingers", and envisioned Vince Vaughn and my dog in an embrace.
"That's our boy over there.", his wife said and she pointed to a good looking German short haired Pointer that was running nearby. "Come here Brody", she called and the dog came running over. My dog stopped licking the man's face and ran over to play with their dog. The two took off running together, and all three of us watched the two dogs run across the park.
"Oh their friends already.", the wife said and smiled, "Isn't that cute. Brody will be so much fun for your dog. All the dogs here love him." It's hilarious how she kept referring to her dog by his name as if he were a dog park star or something. I wondered when he would be going "on tour".
"That's great. I'm sure they'll have fun together, my dog is pretty sociable.", trying to make doggy small talk.
"Oh that's good. Look at how beautifully they run together. Awww isn't that cute, Brody is slowing down so your dog can keep up. Brody is such a good playmate." , the husband said and I was starting to get a little bit worried about where this creepy conversation was going. After all, who uses the word 'beautiful' to describe two dogs playing.
My dog and Brody were having a good time playing and they were chasing one another around the park and nipping at each others heels, when the wife chimed in, "Look at how smart Brody is when he plays. He sees where the other dog is going and immediately moves out of the way to avoid her. Brody is so smart. Those classes and doggy toys we got him are really helping."
I had to ask, "What? You send your dog to school? You mean like a training school?"
She laughed, as if my response was absurd, "Oh no. Not training school. Brody's such a smart dog he doesn't need training. It's a school for hyper intelligent dogs. They do tests and training, and play games with the dogs to increase their memory and problem solving abilities."
I laughed, incredulous to the fact that these people would actually send their dog to be schooled on something other than training. Why do dogs need to solve problems?
"Really? They have like a school that dogs go to learn to solve problems? Is he going to be a project manager or something? Seriously? Are you hoping to get him into a good college?"
The husband was irritated, "Laugh if you want, but since we had him tested for intelligence and started the courses Brody is so much smarter than all the other dogs here."
I laughed again, "Really? Well let me know when his book comes out. Maybe I'll read it."
"Laugh all you want. I'll bet our Brody is smarter than your dog.", he said angrily. Obviously my flippant disregard for his dog's genius was upsetting him.
I looked over and saw Brody eating poop off the ground that another dog had recently deposited on the grass.
"My dog may not go to school, but at least she's smart enough not to eat poop. Good luck with those classes", I said and called my dog and she came running over.
She followed happily, as I walked her over to the "dumb" side of the dog park, where the dogs didn't eat shit. People are absurd.
Have a great day selling!
-M
