How To Keep From Punching Your Boss : 7 Different Management Styles

First of all, have you noticed that everything written nowadays is a short list, because our attention spans have been reduced to those of a toddler, after eating a bowl of sugar.  We are inundated with information, and while many people will say they are "multi-tasking" they are really just doing the same thing they do with the TV remote...changing channels. There are so many different lists nowadays it's hard to keep up, therefore in an effort to further muddle your brain with misinformation, here is a list of management styles that have been used throughout the years to both nurture and torture employees.  This list is to try and help you identify which type of boss you work with, and through understanding keep you from stabbing them with your pen, punching them in the face, or kicking them in the back. 

Please note: Sales From the Darkside endorses a non violent approach to social and economic reform, like Ghandi, but with a definitive lack of character...or hunger strikes.

• The Newbie - Hurray someone just got promoted and now they're your new boss!  And by "new", I mean straight out of a management training course.  They have all kinds of theories on how things should be run, and they might even be a recent MBA graduate, which means they have no idea what the hell they are doing. Even better, they usually don't have any work experience so they will clog your brain with ideas on how to improve your performance.  Keep in mind they are only pitching ideas, and a lot of the stuff they are talking about was developed by a professor who never left his office to work in the business world, except perhaps to consult with gullible CEO's.  Fortunately for you, they are new, so you can mold them into a decent manager.  Here is a list of things to do when you have a Newbie boss:
•  Listen to all his/her stupid ideas, because they won't stop talking about them.  Even if the theories are impractical, it will make them feel as if their 100K student loan debt was worth something.
• Implement what you think is the most practical and best strategy to achieve your results....without their consent.  Most of the time they are going to rely on you anyway to achieve their goals so it is better to ask for forgiveness, than ask for permission.
• Don't ignore them, or dismiss them as stupid, because they aren't.  They are just misguided.  They need someone like you to help lead them down the right path, and besides, a sure way to get upper management upset with you, is to make fun of new managers.  Use them as an opportunity to advance your career and if they get promoted, they may owe it all to you.
• The Nazi - Do I really need to explain this one?  Quite a few managers fall into this category.  They let their egos get the best of them and then they end up shouting orders at you all day, and riding your back until you want to quit.  Unfortunately, upper management likes these types of managers because they usually get results.  They use fear and intimidation to manager people. Many of them would sell their soul to get ahead, and have very little loyalty to employees.  If they have hobbies they're usually related to military activities like paint ball or Civil War re-enactments.  When you meet their children, look for markings of any kind that indicate they may be working in a forced labor camp overseas. And if the poor kids plead to you for help, it's best to ignore their cries or you'll be fired.  Here is the best way to approach this type of manager:
• Question nothing.  You must assume that they know what they're doing or they wouldn't be in the position, and if you have question please ask for permission to speak first. SIR!
• Punctuality is the key to this manager's heart.  Don't ever be late to a meeting, phone call, luncheon, or even to the bathroom with this manager. Otherwise, they're liable to embarrass you in front of other employees.
• Follow orders and I mean to the letter.  I've worked with a lot of these militant types of managers, and like Pinochet they will have your head if you don't know how to follow orders.  If you do everything they ask, they can't reprimand or fire you. And never, never, ever deviate from their "plans", unless it means your death is imminent. Then RUN to HR and blame them for everything!
• The Peacock - This type of manager is often called the Persuasive or Expressive type.  What that really means is they are going to try and convince you how great they are and why you should do everything they ask.  Usually, they will try to get your "buy in" on all of their ideas and projects and this is fine, unless you realize they have no idea what the hell they're doing. If they are incompetent then you and everyone who works for that manager are about to be in for a lot of work.  The Peacock will try to get everyone on their team to like him/her because it's important for them to appreciated or even worshiped.  Their desk or office will usually be filled with large pictures of them in varying stages of fun or with famous people, like a president or movie star.  Of course they will have pictures of their family but they'll be much smaller, like 2 x 2" hidden in their purse/wallet.  This manager can't have anything on his/her desk that takes away from the focus being on him/her. Listed below are some of the best ways to handle a Peacock:
• Compliment them on their clothes, their accessories, and the way they look.  That's why they are peacocks, because they want to be noticed.  This is the easiest and simplest way to earn "points" with them, but do not suck up to them too much less you lose your soul. 
• Reassure them that what they're doing it the right thing to do.  This is just what they want to hear.  They lack the confidence to make decisions, so reassurance from their employees is extremely important. 
• Put on your psychologist hat because these people have a tendency to be crazy.  Often they will come in and tell you about all the problems they are having with other employees and vice versa.  Everyone on your team will know everything about you and how they boss feels about you because this person cannot shut their mouth.  If you and the boss had any shared secrets, guess what? You don't.  Be prepared to have pictures of you pulled off of social media and posted to company meeting presentations and newsletters.  Like I said, these people can be cray-cray.  But if you become their confidant,you can ride that crazy train up the corporate ladder.
• The Pointer - This management style is sometimes called the Seagull, where he/she flies in, makes a lot of noise, and takes a crap on everything you're doing.  They have a tendency to point out everything that's wrong with your work and nothing that you're doing right. If something goes wrong and this manager needs someone to blame...tag you're it!
• Document everything!  Why?  Because if things go sour and the department suffers, you want to cover your own ass. Any interactions you have with them, or discussions on your performance be sure to write down the hour and dates of all conversations.   As I mentioned, this style of manager is not the captain who will go down with a sinking ship. They're a rat that will find the nearest lifeboat and who will blame everything on their employees.  Don't end up like Leonardo DiCaprio in "Titanic", stuck in the ice cold water and hoping someone will pull you out.
• Divert their attention.  If there is anything you can do to get them to focus of something besides what you're doing, then do it.  It's not that you're ashamed of your work, it's just you don't want them to focus only on you and ignore everyone else.  Let's face it, if they're looking for mistakes you're bound to make one just from the pressure. Nobody can work well with a manager looking over their shoulder all the time.
• Have a witness present whenever you speak with them.  I know it's difficult, but if someone else is around to hear your private conversations with this manager, than they can corroborate your memory of the events.  Otherwise, if the Pointer wants to fire you, they can just make things up and there is no one around to support the defense of your work.  It may never come down to you being fired but it's best if you have someone on your side if the proverbial, "sh#t hits the fan".
• The Micro Manager - This style of manager is pretty self explanatory.  Everyone, and I mean everyone, hates this manager.  Even micro managers themselves, despise this type of manager.  It's this sick self loathing that makes them such miserable people, and they will seek to transplant their misery squarely onto your back.  This person will have a Process Map for everything, including how to properly wipe your butt during work hours.  He/she will drive employees nuts, tracking their time on break, their time in the field, their time in the car, their time on the toilet, their time with their wife/husband....I could go on forever.  Your life with be miserable and it will be timed as well, so read on and discover a few tips to handle Mr./Ms./Mrs. OCD.
• Beat them to the punch.  Develop your own process maps for everything and this will impress the heck out of this style of manager.  I don't care if it's a process map for making a sandwich, show it to them, and they will appreciate you taking initiative.
• Listen to their problems.  These characters have a hard time getting beyond their spreadsheets and seeing actual people.  Thus their social skills are pretty poor, but it's because they really have no one to talk to besides their collection of glass figurines or Marvel super hero action figures. They are dying for friends but afraid to get close because they may have to fire you.  Don't let them keep you out and make a point to get to know them and for them to know you.  If they know you're a real person with feelings and not just a number, they will be more prone to help you when you need it.
• Argue logically if you have a point.  They understand efficiency and not empathy.  If you try to explain that you had to pick up your kid and that's why your late, they will perceive time management as a weakness. However if you explain that you picked up your kid because you went to meet with a contact at the same school and this was why you were late, they will see efficiency and respect you.  Think like a robot or a computer and you'll be fine.   
• The Clueless - Okay this is often the best manager to work for, and the worst.  At the same time!  I used to go crazy working for this management style because I had no respect for them.  Half their time is spent asking you, "Well, what do you think?"  Which means, "I haven't a clue what the heck I'm doing so I need you to decide for me."  I worked for a clueless manager who had 20 years of experience!  Yet he had no idea how to lead people.  It drove his employees nuts. The situation was great because I got to manage everything and really run things and the location did really well. However, it was also bad because he got all the credit.  I loved and hated this guy at the same time.  In the process, I learned the following:
• DIY, or Do It Yourself.  Do not waste time waiting for an answer from this style of manager because you'll be waiting a long time.  They can't make decisions because honestly they don't know what they are doing.  They rely solely on their employees and dumb luck to be successful.  Do your job and do it yourself because no help is coming.
• Take advantage of the opportunity. Since your working for what people would characterize as an absentee manager, you can become totally self sufficient. I learned a great deal by working for this type of manager because I literally was on my own, which meant I had a lot of freedom to try new things, and even though I failed a few times, he was so clueless, he didn't even sense anything was wrong.
• Work smarter not harder with this manager.  Yes it's an old cliché but it's so effective in this situation.  Don't let this type rely on you so much that you're working day and night, and even changing the toilet paper in the bathrooms. Rather direct them to delegate some of your work to other subordinates so you have more time to enjoy life.  If he/she overburdens you with work, it doesn't help your psyche or your career.   
• The Mentor - Unquestionably, the greatest style of manager to work for during your career.  I was blessed with a few of these types during my career and I learned a great deal and advanced quickly through each corporation in the process. In fact, I have kept the same day planner that was given to me by one of my mentors over 15 years ago! I still use it today.  It's old school but it helps me write things down I might forget.  This style of manager is supportive, knowledgeable and usually wildly successful.  Why?  Because they're interested in their employees well being and they want to see the succeed.  In turn, their employees are incredibly loyal and as a result the manager is very successful.  Hopefully, you will have a chance to work with someone like this at some point during your career.
• Absorb everything they are telling you because these people didn't get where they are by being stupid. Yes, they've made mistakes and they will tell you the pitfalls to avoid, and you should listen.  Too often, young people think they know everything straight out of college but believe me, they're green.  If you graduate and get a manager who's a mentor sit at her/his feet and listen, listen, listen.
• Emulate them as much as you can.  These managers didn't become successful without knowing a thing or to about how to lead.  Therefore if you emulate their style pretty soon you may become a manager yourself.  For 5 years I worked with a mentor and he taught me a great deal about how to deal with people, and how to make your employees wildly successful, and soon I was being promoted.  He took the time to help my career and I will forever be in his debt.
• Enjoy the ride, because you don't often get to work for such a great person.  Chances are, if they're successful then you'll soon be following them up the corporate ladder.  However, be wary there are other people riding on their coat tails as well, and it can be clustered at the top.  Your mentor will support everyone, even some scum who have convince them they are good people so you may follow them only so far and then you'll have to make your own way.  But it'll be a lot of fun working with this style of manager while it lasts. Have fun!

Every manager is different and many times people will employ these different styles or types at various times during their careers.  A manager may start as a Newbie and develop into a Mentor, or a Nazi could learn from their mistakes and become a Mentor as well.  It all depends upon the manager and their career path.  However, keep in mind it's up to you on how well you work with them and whether both of you will be successful. 

Have a great day!

-M

Brag Books Are BS!

I know this subject has come up before, yet I just spoke to someone who went to interview with Eli Lilly for a sales position, and she not only hated the people conducting the interview, she was offended when they seemed upset that she didn't bring along a "brag book".  For those of you who don't know what this is; a brag book is a list of all your career accomplishments assembled into one "book".  In other words, all the awards you have won, along with quota achievements and any plaques you might have been awarded.  Yet what is it really?  It's total bullshit.

Apparently, the regional vice president asked her specifically, "Why didn't you bring along your awards.  I just had a guy yesterday lay out all his plaques and awards in front of me to show what he'd achieved.  I mean anyone can make up numbers and put them on a resume."

Naturally she was offended, "Hold on a second.  If you're insinuating that I'm lying then I'd have put a lot better numbers on my resume than I did.  If I was going to lie I'd do a much better job than that, but I'm not a liar."

He responded, "But you're in sales, so let's just say sales people exaggerate the truth sometimes." At this point I would have walked out of the interview.  Who would want to work for such an asshole?

She is more patient than I am, but she was so dumbfounded by his response she struggled the rest of the interview and afterwards she didn't even leave him a thank you card.  He was insinuating that all sales people are liars.  He didn't say it directly but what the hell is the difference between exaggerating the truth and lying...NOTHING.  What a jerk.

And as for the validity of brag books.  Anyone can also go to Staples and buy a certificate of achievement and put their name on it and ten other ones, and then place them in a binder.  When I was a sales manager, the biggest mistake I ever made was believing in a brag book.  I interviewed a copier sales person who had a book full of awards and even a few plaques which he brought to the interview.  Little did I know, these were all forgeries!  The sneaky little bastard had taken other peoples awards and copied them and then inserted his name.  He even had the plaque made at a trophy store.  How do I know that?  He told me when I fired him because he never left his house.  He sold $0 in 6 months!  Not a cent!

The lesson here is that if anyone asks for a brag book I would tell them this, "Awards mean nothing to me because lets be honest, I'm only as good as my last sale.  Talk is cheap and so are awards it's how you perform in the field that makes the difference between a good rep and a great one."

If they press the issue as this stupid regional manager from Eli Lilly did, than my response would be , "People can make up numbers than can make up positions and then can make up awards.  Staples can even make them for you if you ask.  I don't live in the past but I do look forward to the future."

Brag books are BS.  Don't believe the hype...and have a great day selling!

-M

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

Recently one of my long time customers was promoted to a new position, the head buyer for my specific type of products! I was so excited for her but more importantly for me. :)  I sent her a card congratulating her, I knew that she liked our products, and so I immediately thought,

 "Yeah baby!  I'm gonna be rolling in the sales now!"  WRONG!

I apparently had misjudged how much she liked the products in relationship to how much she liked her new job.  Previously, she would text me about issues, or call me anytime, but now the chatter had stopped.  I couldn't even get her on the phone or make an appointment.  WTF?  It was strange, and I couldn't understand what I had done to ruin the relationship.  I kept reviewing the steps I had taken that might have pissed her off, but I couldn't think of anything I had written or spoken, that would have ended our relationship.  I kept retracing my steps and blaming myself for doing something to upset her.  But again, I was WRONG.

I spoke to a few of her colleagues and it turns out she has a position of power in which she has to manage costs and they told her she had to immediately cut costs by 30%.  Naturally, she went with cheaper products even though she knew clinically they didn't work.  Why?  Because number one she's new to the position, and  she's not a nurse anymore but an administrator, A "numbers" person, and these people don't think clinically, they think financially.  And this is what she had become, a numbers person.  Instinctively, I tried to get an appointment to sell her on the clinical benefits of all our products, but she cut me off with an email, which read:

"M,

   I have spoken to our VP about your products and how effective they are, but at this time he has explained to me that costs are our greatest concern, and so we have signed a contract with a cheaper supplier.  I have to be honest, I think it may be a mistake, but I am too new to the position to be "rocking the boat" right now.  I have always appreciated your honesty and integrity and if things don't work out with this supplier I will call you ASAP.

All the best,

V   "

Most sales professionals, especially trainers will explain that I must have missed something in the process, and I didn't explain how the benefits of the clinical nature of our products can translate into dollars and cents and savings for her.  I say BULLSHIT.  I find it amusing that trainers are always sticking to their system and giving you theoretical answers as to why you didn't make the sale.  As if sales people are all robots and if we follow a system it will always work.  Wake up sales teaching professionals!  Systems don't always work, but people do! Individuals who try to tell you that they never miss a sale because they are able to "dollarize" the effectiveness of their products every time are big time liars.  NO ONE, and I mean NO ONE, makes a sale every time.  I don't care if your Tony Robbins or Zig Ziglar, it just doesn't happen.  However here is what I can tell I learned from this process:

1. Relationships - Just because you have good rapport and people like you doesn't mean they're going to buy from you.  Even when you have an intimate relationship with your contact, that doesn't guarantee a sale.  They are more likely to buy from you, but if you can't get in front of the actual person making the decision in order to have an impact, then you're are screwed.  You may be screwing the person using the product, but that doesn't mean the company will buy from you.

2. Know The Decision Maker - I was told by everyone that V would be the ultimate decision maker regarding all purchases of my products.  However, if you read that email, it doesn't seem like she is making the decision.  She has been given a mandate and the decision has already been made for her.  So if she has to cut costs in this area by 30%, then switching to the cheapest product makes sense...especially if you are new and want to keep your job.  My next step, would be to try and get to her boss, and this may take some time, but I'll get there. I may have to start stalking him/her.

3. Life Is Not Over - This was a big opportunity that I missed because I couldn't move fast enough on the true decision maker.  Yet, it's not the end of the world!  There is so much business in my market that I can go out and find 2 more customers that will make up for the loss of this revenue.  The issue is that this was some low hanging fruit and I blew it, but I don't feel terrible.  Hey, tomorrow is a new day, and in the end maybe I'll benefit from this experience.  I won't say I'm bitter, but I hope her boss gets herpes...simplex 1.  I'm not that bitter.

We live, we learn, and sometimes we break up, but life goes on.  Have a great day selling!

-M

The Company Newsletter

When I was young I wrote a newsletter at my high school.  It was very well received because it was funny, irreverent, and mostly because it was an "independent" newsletter.  In other words, me and a few other friends got together and wrote our own school newspaper because we felt our high school did a lousy job of catering to the students.  So with this "guerilla" journalism people thought it was cool to read it, and it became very popular.   In fact, in fact you might say it was a "success".

Company newsletters on the other hand are complete shit.  Yes that's right. I wrote it out, and spelled it correctly: S-H-I-T. They don't cater to employees they send out messages to employees.  I know, because I used to write a company newsletter for our branch and I was always being chided for it being too "employee oriented".  WTF?  Isn't that what a newsletter is about?  The employees!  Isn't it designed to boost morale and get everyone working together?  Apparently, I was mistaken.  I thought people were supposed to actually enjoy reading the company newsletter, so I asked people what they would like in it, and I delivered.  Bad idea?  Apparently, because after 6 months I abandoned the idea and told them if they wanted a newsletter get someone else to write it because I actually had a job to do.  Consequently, even though I was asked to come back and write it for another larger location of over 500 employees, I refused.  If my message is not to entertain and inform the employees, than it's pretty stupid to have a newsletter.

Which brings me to my current job. A few years ago I was exceeding my quota exponentially, and the marketing director called me and wanted me to share my stories of success in the company newsletter.  Again I refused.  Why?  Because when I told her what I did to differentiate myself in the field, her immediate response was:

"Did you get that approved?"

She didn't say, "good job", or "that's really interesting, how did you go about doing that?" Her immediate response was, "did you get that approved?" 

I work in health care so obviously there are a lot of restrictions on what can be printed and what cannot be printed, and it needs to comply with all different kinds of regulations.  I am well aware of the guidelines.  So what I did was well within the guidelines of regulations. I didn't claim our products cured cancer, or gave a person super human strength.  All I did was make up 7 different name badges that said something funny.  That was it.  They weren't making any claims they were just funny.  However what they did was get a conversation started at every location I went to...so long as someone read the badge.   And this in turn led to appointments which led to sales: end of story.

So when I told her how one badge, led to an appointment with a Medical Director, which then led to a very big account conversion she asked, "Well what did the badge say?  What was so funny about it?"

I answered, "It said.  When you read this badge you will think of unicorns and rainbows. And then I put my name underneath.  That's it."

"That's it.  That's not even funny." , was her response in a voice so dead pan, I thought for a moment it was a recording, or a GPS device was speaking to me.

" Well it's more silly than funny.", I said.

" Not really.  What else have you done besides the badges?", she asked, and I waited for her to tell me to turn right on 4th street.

I could tell that she had a highly under developed sense of humor...like a coffee table.  Which might be why our marketing material was so awful. 

"Well I did a seminar with that program you developed."

She became extremely excited, "Oh great!  And how did that go?  Pretty good I bet?"

I responded, "Yes it did.  It went fairly well, but it didn't create the buzz that my badges did."

She advised me, "Let's just put that in there, it'll be good if everyone sees that the program worked."

"Okay, it's your newsletter.", I answered and so she put my name in a story,  along side 3 other people who all used the program she had developed and had devised.  It had nothing to do with my big conversion or how a simple thing like a name badge can lead to an appointment and then a sale. It was all about her program and how it was being promoted. 

In fact when she sent me a draft of the newsletter I called her immediately, "No mention of how I used humor to differentiate myself from other reps?"

"No.  We don't want people getting too creative out in the field.  They might do something stupid and get us in trouble."  she said, again using her best dead pan voice.

"Oh you mean like getting a sale?" , I said.

"No.  I mean like creating their own flyers or marketing material.", she answered and then paused and added, "Or making their own company badges."

"I got it.", and then I laughed, "I got the message loud and clear."

" What's so funny.", she said.

" Oh nothing.  Like the badges you wouldn't get it."

" I don't like your tone.", she said with a little more stern and threatening voice.

" I don't like your newsletter.  Thanks for including me though! Have a good day!", I said and hung up the phone.

Of course my boss called me fifteen minutes later and lectured me on why I shouldn't be pissing off our marketing director.  I told her that we would be better off with a new marketing director, and thankfully one year later we got one.  There is justice in the world...



Have a great day selling!

-M

Marry, Fu#k, or Kill - What The Hell Is Wrong With People?

First of all this is not like one of my usual posts.  There is no humor in this one, so if you're looking for a laugh, you should probably read some of my older posts.  Sorry.

I started writing this post almost four weeks ago because I was appalled at what had happened to my friend in her last place of employment.  Her CEO/owner and the rest of her testosterone filled management team were treating all of the women at her workplace like crap; making sexist remarks, hitting on them, and touching all of them inappropriately in the work place.  She was frustrated, humiliated,  and eventually was let go because they eliminated her position.  How convenient...for them.

However then the shootings at UC Santa Barbara took place, and just confirmed what has been going on for a long time, but seems to be getting weird and worse.  Men are getting more and more twisted in their objectification of women.  Pardon my French but the whole situation is completely fucked up!  A kid, basically a sick kid, Elliot Rodger goes on a rampage because he can't find a girlfriend?  In addition he writes a 137 page manifesto on how he wants to put women in a concentration camp and watch them die.  I thought this was insane and then I heard about what my friends bosses were saying to her, and subjecting her to, and I kept wondering if this treatment of women is ever going to stop.  What the hell is wrong with people? 

When you read the title of this post, many people may be shocked and offended.  I was shocked and offended when I first heard about these form of harrassment from a friend who recently was laid off from a pretty well known clothing manufacturer in Southern California. In fact, this manufacturer has ties to Walmart, Hot Topic, Forever 21, Target, Old Navy, and many other major retailers.  The title of this post references a "game" that the owner and vice presidents of this company would play when a new girl was hired for work, or an existing one entered their "air space".  When new "talent" would come into the office they would judge the woman accordingly and place her into one of the three aforementioned categories. Now keep in mind all of the VPs are men, and the game was played behind closed doors so there are only a few people to corroborate my friend's story.  However, this isn't a piece for "60 Minutes", and I don't plan on mentioning names, even though I feel inclined to, because I am so upset about how she and her co workers were treated.

Apparently, these jerks talk about all the women at the office, and in the field, and more specifically what they would do with these women if a chance ever presented itself.  It's very simple really, either the woman is the type they would marry, the type they would just sleep with, and lastly the type they might kill. Which to me is morbid and bizarre, but they apparently perceived it as being funny. I have an extremely dark sense of humor but killing someone I never perceived as being humorous, however these sick bastards do!  What makes matters worse is that they are running the company!  And we thought the days of objectifying women in the work place were over, or at least hidden in a closet: not at this establishment.  Here are just a very few examples of what she endured during her tenure:

1. Salty Balls - While attending a meeting with about 10 other people, there was a table of holiday treats laid out for the attendants. 

The owner of the company, a complete meat head, offered her one and said for everyone to hear, "Would you like some balls?". 
To which she replied , " I don't like those but thank you, they're too salty for my taste."
"What's the matter I thought you liked salty balls?", he said with a grin and laughed sheepishly.
" No I don't like salty balls but thank you.", was her answer and embarrassed she slunked down in her chair and tried to ignore him while most of the guys in the room laughed.

    All of the other women in the room heard this and were offended, but of course all of the men thought it was hilarious.  She complained to her boss after the meeting that it was demeaning but his response was of course, "Oh he was only joking."  I admit this could be funny be it's also very demeaning to be spoken to like that in front of 10 of your co workers.  How embarrassing it must have been for her.

2. Where Did Those Come From? - My friend is fairly voluptuous and in many cases she is embarrassed by her cleavage so she covers it up, especially in front of her Neanderthal bosses.  However in some instances she must get dressed up for holiday parties or entertaining clients, and when she exposes a little skin they all make comments.  She has a pretty tough skin so she could handle the jibes such as "Oh ____ is bringing the girls out for the party", or "I didn't know you had puppies".  
Yet she was completely incensed when her pregnant friend who is very pretty but self conscious around all the men in the office, dressed up and became the object of the same disgusting remarks.
" Wow! Where did those come from?" , the owner said when her friend showed up for a night out during a retailers convention.  Mind you the woman is pregnant!  She's already hormonal and feeling body conscious and this asshole has to make a comment!
He then decided to add, "You should dress like that more often. It's hot!" 
Not exactly the type of behavior I'd like to hear from my CEO.  Especially one who is married and has two kids. WTF?

3. She's Out On Her Two Hour Lunch - I have worked in a corporate environment for 25 years, but I had never worked in the fashion industry.  Apparently the fashion industry is not as tightly monitored as others, because they want their employees to feel free to express their ideas.  Well I guess this must apply to the CEO's as well, because my friend would often hear about one particular designer who regularly would have 2 hour lunches with her company's CEO.

When my friend had a rush order she wanted to get started, she approached the design department and asked for one particular designer who was out to lunch.

"Oh she's having her weekly meeting with _______. Hopefully she'll be back in a few hours."
My friends response was, "A few hours?  What are they going to do for a few hours?  I need this design by the end of the day."
One of the other designers chimed in, "You know what they're doing.  Don't be stupid.  Why do you think she's gets to leave whenever she wants or even gets a two hour lunch?"
My friend was taken aback, and  all she could respond with was, "Oh!  I had no idea."

The rumor around the office was that the CEO had been having an affair with this woman for over a year now, and so she felt untouchable, even to her own boss.   This in turn created resentment throughout the design office and in the company as a whole. Not exactly the foundation of a great work environment.

4. It's Just A Game -  The title of this post is truly "Marry, Fuck, or Kill", but I didn't want to offend too many people.  The idea that a group of Vice Presidents, at a major clothing manufacturer, could make up a game that targets the women on their staff is absolutely crazy.  I can see talking about them, even judging the women by their looks, but debating whether or not they should be killed, seems crazy to me.

The type of crazy, disillusioned thinking, that perhaps pervaded Elliot Rodger's mind prior to his rampage in Isla Vista at the University of Santa Barbara.  He too played games, a lot of games.  He would spend hours playing World of Warcraft.  He would also spend hours fantasizing about killing women or putting them in concentration camps.  What's disturbing to me is that his mode of thinking is not that far removed from the thoughts of the CEO and VPs at the company my friend where my friend was employed. 

When she asked one of the VPs whom she had befriended why any woman would ever fall into the category of being killed, his response was , "It's just a game." 

Well it was just a game to Elliot Rodger until he turned that horrible game into a reality.  Let's just hope that we can stop people from thinking this way about women before they have a chance to act.

-M






Note:
Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

Personality Tests... Seriously?!

Recently, my fiancee has been looking at other places to work, and she has been subjected to scores of personality tests.  It seems that every company is trying minimize its risk of hiring someone, by testing each applicant prior to placement.  She's had to take 5 of these tests in the last 2 weeks and it is starting to get on her nerves and mine as well.  All I can say, is that personality tests are complete bullshit!  I have taken these tests in the past, and despite the endorsements by business professors who incidentally have no experience in business, this type of test taking is not effective.  Why?  Because you can "cheat" the test.  Keep in mind, the creator or creators of these personality tests will advise you that the tests are infallible.  They have too because it's their livelihood.   That despite the applicants attempts to "fake" the test results, there is no way this is possible, because of the intricacies of the test.  I'm sorry but again I have to call BS.  No matter how many different ways the test creators word a question it's still the same question and the answer will be the same.  Any idiot can figure out that question 15 is the same question 76 but they are just worded differently. So you answer them in the same manner.  I know these tests are not infallible, because I have "faked" my way through several of them, and I have coached others to do the same.

I can remember way back in 1999, I was required to take one of these tests by my company to see if my personality matched that of a successful sales manager.  Naturally, I answered all the questions as if I were an arrogant prick, but not so arrogant that it might cloud my judgement. I sat in the room envisioning how a used car sales man would answer the questions, and I pictured myself wearing gold chains and an open shirt with chest hair sticking out.  Then I almost threw up in my mouth. It took me 3 agonizing hours to complete all of the questions!  3 hours!

Well,  the test returns came back with this long description of who I was, and the nature of my character, and how effectively I was matched to the position.  I scored a 90% match, which was a joke, since the profile they had compiled on me was not consistent with who I am as a person.  It wrote that I was very, very aggressive, and that I might tend to "walk over" employees and customers in order to achieve my goals.  The recommendation was to hire me, but keep a tight leash on my activities since my overconfidence might upset fellow employees and potential customers in the process.  In addition, it also suggested I focused greatly on my appearance and it was important to me how I looked to other people. Nothing could have been further from the truth!  I didn't dress to impress at all.  In fact I would usually wear the same clothes for so long they actually went out of style and then came back in style.  Some of my fellow employees would make fun of my ties just because a few of them had a certain cartoon character on them.  (No I didn't own a "Star Wars" tie and it wasn't Stewie from "Family Guy")

    Moreover, the test indicated I was uber confident. This was another glaring misnomer.   In fact, I am the opposite. Whenever I win awards I always think that there has been some type of mistake or the presenter got the "numbers" wrong.  To be honest, I think this helps me as a sales person because people appreciate humility.

This is just one example of how inaccurate these tests can be, and I can think of 5 more instances where they have failed to correctly identify the true character/personality of an employee.  10 years ago I recruited probably the best person I have ever worked with and may ever work with in my career.  I interviewed him, and even though there was no position for him with my company, I wanted to hire him immediately.  We spent two hours together and he had the perfect blend of charm and character of a person I wanted to work with, but he still had to take a personality test in keeping with our company policy.  He took the test and the results came back that he was a poor match to the position.  After some discussion with my boss, and the VP, I hired him anyway because they both agreed he was the ideal candidate.  10 years later his career has taken off and he is now the head of Service Training for a major industrial laundry company.  So why did the test indicate he was not right for the job?  Because these types of tests cannot predict or show what you see in an interview.  In addition, they tend to favor those who are either supremely confident or supremely nerdy.  For a sales or management position you want a confident person, but for a tech job you might want a humble nerd.  Why can't a person be both?  I'm tired of this ridiculous application of fucking Sabremetrics to minimize the risk of hiring someone. HR and management people are now "pigeon holing" potential employees and this is just wrong.  If you want to determine if a person is good enough, sit your ass in a chair and get to know them.  Then if you're not sure, have someone else interview them and compare notes. 

    Listed below are some of the questions which are on these absurd tests. I have listed each question or statement and my interpretation of what they really want to know about the applicant.  I will not identify the testing agency since many of them ask the same asinine questions.  Read them and judge for yourself:

Question or Statement                                                                                           True  or  False
I would rather stay home and read than go to a party.
Interpretation:  Are you an unsociable nerd? 

I like classical music.
Interpretation:  Are you an unsociable nerd who listens to classical music?

I wish I knew what I wanted out of life.
Interpretation:  Are you a goal less loser?

In school I am or was in the upper part of my class.
Interpretation: Are you an honors student or is vocational school your new gig?

I get away with a lot of things.
Interpretation: Are you a sneaky little bastard, and should we even trust you?

I am a fast reader.
Interpretation: Were you a student of Evelyn Wood?  Or should we get you a tutor?

I can use a microscope
Interpretation:  Seriously, who the hell can use a microscope besides a lab technician?

I am a poor judge of my own ability
Interpretation:  Do you have any confidence or are you just a total loser?

I would like to change a lot of things about myself.
Interpretation:  Are you so unhappy with yourself that you might commit suicide on the job?

Keep in mind this test had 300 questions like this!  All designed to develop a "picture" of who you really are?  But is it really accurate? Not at all, and employers have no right to be this inquisitive as to your personal life and preferences.  It seems that not only are people supposed to apply for a job they're supposed to give over all the most personal and intimate details of their lives and of themselves.  Well, I say bullocks!  Screw them and screw those tests!

Have a great day selling!

-M

Another National Meeting....

It's that time of year again!  The time for employees to be drunk, managers to be in a funk, and CEO's to either pass or flunk.  It's time for another National Meeting.  For the last 15 years I have attended many meetings, seminars, regional meetings, local meetings, but each year this is the highlight or rather lowlight of my job.  I get to spend hour upon hour with people I work with, some of whom I actually like, and be surrounded by many people I seriously don't like, all in the effort to bring us together as a team.  A chorus of "team, team, team, team" will be heard throughout the hotel conference center, and we will do all kinds of team building exercises to strengthen our "relationships".  And by "relationships" I mean that some of us actually know each other's full name.  Other than that, we really have no clue as to each others personal lives. For those of you who know more about your fellow employees than just a name, then kudos to you!

Personally, I would prefer the classic chant from the movie "Meatballs", with Bill Murray leading a chorus of "It just doesn't matter! It just doesn't matter!  It just doesn't matter!"  This rings more true than anything at these crazy annual get togethers.  None of it really matters...but it is extremely amusing! Whomever plans these large National Meetings is either painfully misguided, intellectually disabled,  or just likes to torture poor innocent employees, by putting them together in a meeting place and making them do embarrassing things with people they don't know or they don't like. Here are some more amusing things about the Annual National Meeting:

1. We Get To Do A Talent Show! - Are you fucking kidding me?  Who the hell thought of this painful and embarrassing act for all of us to fumble through.  I guess it's meant to harbor unity and get people to work together for a common goal when all it really does is bring out the diva in all of the participants.  Moreover, it's incredibly embarrassing for those of us who lack talent. Unbelievably there are some people who work in corporations who always wanted to sing, or play guitar, and be a rock star, and so this gives all the tone deaf losers a chance to repeat their high school failures and play "Jack and Diane".  I have been to 3 National Meetings where the CEO got up on stage to provide "entertainment" with a couple of other musically inclined employees.  I don't know if  I was entertained but I was certainly amused as they fumbled through U2, Tom Petty, and Beatles tunes.  I wanted to perforate my eardrums after the first note, but instead I decided the best course of action was to poke fun at them and point out their flaws.  This didn't exactly work out terribly well for my career advancement, but I did enjoy myself.
2. Team Building Exercises - "Hey everybody we're going to build a boat! And the team whose boat floats the longest will each get a Starbucks gift card! Isn't that great!" These were the exact words I heard at one meeting where they decided that it was best to mix all the participants into different teams.  It was done so that we could get to know each other better and work with someone other than people in our region.  So I got to work with all types of different people and came back with an even worse opinion of different parts of the country.  We all had to come up with a concept for a boat made of cardboard and packing tape and then try to sale this fucking leaky tugboat around a makeshift pool.  First of all, none of us had any Viking heritage in our blood, so we were at a distinct disadvantage.  Secondly, everyone wanted to lead the team, with the exception of me who just wanted to stand and laugh at all the effort people were making just for a $25 gift card.  It took forever for us to construct this ugly boat and finally, since my team had a combined IQ of 160, our ship never sailed...it sank.  Everyone thought it was hilarious, but it wasn't funny for the poor Captain, ME, who ended up getting wet. However I didn't go down with the ship, I jumped out of the pool before it went under.  And can someone again explain how this activity is helpful?  Is it necessary? I'm sure it was funny to everyone else, but to me this kind of stuff is really unnecessary. Why couldn't we build a hot dog stand, or reconstruct an Irish pub, or create a giant Ice Cream Sunday?  That would be a lot more fun and much more enjoyable.
3. Company Skits - I have seen some bad theater in my day.  In fact, I can remember a community performance of "Mice and Men" where a dog took center stage because it would not leave the stage and had to be dragged by it's leash, exit stage right.  However, nothing is quite so bad as people who don't act for a living, performing a company skit.  These carefully or hastily prepared skits are more difficult to watch than "Sharknado".  Usually they involve a company cheer, some dancing, and some awkward acting.  On occasion the CEO will participate and pull some reluctant contributors up on stage to help him/her with the skit, and it always turns in to a big mess and a corporate "rah rah" session.  I enjoy for my company, but do we really need an SNL moment to remember how fortunate we are?  NO!  Lorne Michaels would cancel his show immediately if he saw what type of buffoonery was being performed in corporate meeting rooms across the nation.  Leave the acting to actors please...
4. Our Meeting Has A Theme!- Who thought of this brilliant idea?  Themes for annual meetings is absolutely absurd.  I do understand that a corporate vision needs to be conveyed, but isn't that what a Mission Statement is all about? Ask any corporate employee, other than the person who conceived of the them, what the them of last years annual meeting was, and they will not be able to tell you.  Guaranteed!  They will be able to look it up, and then tell you, but off the top of their head, they won't know it.  So why the hell do we need a theme?  And the slogans are so corny. "Let's Soar Like Eagles in 2011!", or "Be The Best You Can Be In 2006!".  If they wanted a true theme it should be "I Could Use A Drink Right Now!" , "Everyone Loves Midgets!", or "None Of Us Wants To Be Here!"  That would be an honest and genuine theme, because even the CEO doesn't truly want to be at the National Meeting.
5. Awards Dinners - I think these events are wonderful for recognizing people who have done well throughout the year.  But do all of us really need to be reminded what a fucking asshole Scott is and how he cheated to win Rep of the Year?  It seems that all these things do is just piss off and alienate the other employees in the room.  And I even won an award this year, but my initial reaction when they called my name was, "What the fuck?".  It's embarrassing and it seemed like everyone in the room was mumbling something envious.  I don't want envy, I want respect. Put my name in a memo and that's enough recognition for me.  I can remember one year when my team was set to take every major award and corporate cancelled the awards ceremony due to profit restrictions.  Did I care?  Nope.  As long as they gave my team some type of monetary prize, I didn't give a damn if people saw us up on a stage.  I want to be recognized for being a great team player, not a jerk who has to "fudge" the numbers to win recognition.  Plus all the people who don't win an award just get drunk and talk shit about all the people who did.  It's disturbing more than rewarding.

More on the Annual Meeting in the next post. 

Have a great day selling!

-M