Separate Yourself From The Competition

Years ago while selling for a medical distributor, I was trying to think of a way to differentiate myself from my competitors and aside from all the features and benefits, which I've been through a hundred times with my customers, I needed something else.  I couldn't just rely on the old standards which had worked before, because to be honest, my company had failed to deliver on a few promises, and so the customer's perception was that "I" had failed to deliver on "my" promises.  I don't separate myself from the company when things go bad, that's the sign of a poor sales person.  You can't do that, otherwise not only do you lose credibility, so does the company and before you know it; you've lost the account.

So one particularly large customer had been unhappy with the service because THEY had ordered product incorrectly, picked the wrong item codes, and as a result the order was screwed up.  First of all, you can't tell your customer, "Well the order was wrong because you're an idiot and you gave us the wrong product codes."  Instead you say, "I guess there was a miscommunication on our part as to the specific products you wanted."

Or if you're in medical sales you can't say, "You and your stupid staff can't fill out the Medi-Care paperwork because you're mentally challenged, so they didn't approve the order for reimbursement".  Instead you have to say, "It was my understanding we didn't ask you for all the information correctly, and so the order wasn't approved.  That's our fault for not verifying all of the information.  I'm so sorry."

Therefore, I was back pedaling with this account because we had a few minor glitches, but I really needed something to separate myself from the other competitors.  They were knocking on my customer's door at all times, and in some cases the account was still placing orders with the competition.  I thought to myself, "How can I make this a personal relationship rather than just a business relationship?".  And I remembered that all the people in this account loved dogs.  Just loved them!  So what did I do?  I scheduled an appointment for my dog to be bathed and cleaned at a place near the hospital. 

That way I could tell the main contact, "If I come by on Friday can I bring my dog?  She gets groomed at a place right near the hospital and I need to pick her up around 3.  Is that okay with you?"

When I mentioned my dog, he was excited. "Oh that's right you have a dog too.  Sure not a problem.  I'd love to see your pup.  What kind of dog is she?"  I asked this knowing that he had the same type of dog.

"She's a Pointer."

"Well I'll be!  I have a Pointer too!  I'll bet you knew that didn't you?", he said.

" I had a general idea.  But I wasn't sure if that was your dog in all those pictures in your office."

"Yep.  Sure is.  I love that dog.  Had him for years.  Ya know those are great hunting dogs."

 "Really?  Well I don't take her hunting.  Just up on the hiking trails.  We'll just visit for a little bit.  Won't make a sound or be any trouble at all.  Be there around 3:30.  Is that okay?"

" Heck yeah! Bring her on by, I'm sure everyone in the office would like to see her too."

     Friday came, I dropped the dog off in the morning for grooming,and came by to pick her up at 3 pm.  She was soft and clean, and she smelled good.  Perfect since we were visiting a medical clinic. We went to the account which was in a large medical building, but security guard thought she was a "Special Needs" dog so it was no problem taking her on the elevator.  I suppose he took one look at me and thought I had "special needs".

Two minutes later we were in the lobby, and the staff was playing with the dog, the key contact was petting her, and I had made a big difference in how the account now viewed me.  I wasn't just a sales person anymore, I was more like a friend.  And my company wasn't just another company anymore, they were a company "with a heart". 

    In order to be successful in today's business climate, you have to be able to separate yourself from your competitors.  Sometimes the only way to do it, is to make it more personal.  So if you have a child, a wife, a dog, a cat, anything that makes you seem more humane and therefore more trustworthy to the customer, then bring it up.  Try to get them to meet your child, your pet, or even your spouse if you think it'll make a difference.  I'm not saying bring your kids to the account and say, "If you don't buy something from me, they'll starve." That is not a good idea.

But only bring them for a visit, if you think it will matter and the customer feels comfortable.  You don't want to be bring your dog or child to every account, especially since you run the risk of them peeing on the floor or even worse...biting someone.  Those baby teeth can really hurt.

Make every day memorable.


-M

Careful What You Wish For...

I've been working on a large office of doctors for over 2 years now, and with 2 different companies.  It has been difficult to get any business from this group of doctors and I have been unable to figure out exactly why they don't order from me.  This is a great account to secure for any healthcare rep, but the doctors are very obtuse when it comes to describing their vendor preferences. Here's a typical conversation with the lead doctor, during an in service, at this specific clinic:

"Hey Doctor A!  How are things?  Are you doing well?"

"Oh yeah I'm good.  Really good thanks.  And thanks for bringing us Baja Fresh.  I love this stuff."

He sits down and starts eating part of a chicken burrito.  So I think this will be a perfect opportunity to figure out what the hell is going on with this particular account.

"You used to order a lot of product from us.  What's happened to make you start ordering from other companies?  Have we done something wrong on our end?"

"My foot is sore.  I went skiing this weekend.  Have you ever been skiing?", he said and started rubbing his foot.

"No I haven't.  I usually snowboard.  I feel like you're avoiding the question doc.  Is there a reason you don't order from us?"

"Skiing is hard.  I think I twisted my ankle.  Did you watch the Laker game last night?  Kobe was on fire."

"Yeah I did catch the game.  It was great.  Is there some reason you're not answering the question directly?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact there is.  I just got a bad case of indigestion from this burrito and it hurts to talk.  Can we pick this up at another time?  Excuse me buddy I need to go to the bathroom.", he said and took the burrito with him him as he headed towards the bathroom. 

And here's how another conversation went, with yet another doctor who is Asian, and does a lot of the work for the Medical Director.

"Hi Dr. W.  I haven't seen you in a week.  Listen, you know most of what goes on around here.  Can you tell me why Dr. A has stopped using us for supplies."

"My Engrish isn't so good.  You talk him."

"What?  You're english was fine last month when I in serviced the account."

"Yeah.  I go back to Mandarin.  Better for me."

"Since when did you start speaking only Mandarin.  You went to Crespi and graduated from USC?!  When did you lose your ability to speak English."

"Today! Gotta go.  Rotsa patients.", and then she ran away.

After those two conversations it was obvious that the doctors were not going to help me secure any business.  So I asked some of the Medical Technicians who I should speak to if I wanted to get some orders.

 They all said the same thing, "Tiffany runs this place.  She has for the last ten years.  You want the docs to order from you.  You gotta win her over.  Otherwise you'll get nothing.  She's the office manager and what she says goes.  Even the doctors listen to her."

I took that to heart, and so I started to work on getting orders from Tiffany.  I set up a few in services and she was nice, but still no orders from the office.  I started to experiment with the in services.  I made up games and gave out candy for the correct answers and the staff started to warm up to me, but still only an occassional "hello" or "how are you" from Tiffany.   She was as cold as ice.   So I had to change my strategy. 

I took it on as a personal goal to find out more about her.  What she liked, what she didn't, and what reps were successful with her, and which ones weren't.  The girls in the office liked me and they were very accomodating and forthcoming with personal information.  She was married, and had two kids which she sent to private school.  She had been married for ten years now happily, and she loved her kids very much.  And I realized this was my way to ingratiate myself to Tiffany, through her children.  I liked kids, and I wished I had some of my own, but I did have 9 nieces and nephews so I had a great deal of exposure to children.  I went down this path, and I hope it would lead to developing some type of relationship with Tiffany, the key person to my success in the office.

So we starting sharing baby stories.  She told me how her first baby got really sick with her as a new mother just freaking out, and then I shared a story where my nephew threw up on me. And then she told me about a time when her little girl had a 105 fever and she was taken to the emergency room, while I shared a story about my niece throwing up on me. It went on like this during a break at an in service until finally she got the idea that I liked kids, or maybe I just liked having them throw up on me.  Regardless, her cool demeanor started to melt, and by the next time I came to her office, she was greeting me and not the other way around.  Everything was going great...

But like all relationships there are peaks and valleys, and while we were at our peak, Tiffany decided she wanted to take our relationship to the next level.  I really didn't know what that mean to her, but to me it meant she was finally going to place an order from my company.  I stopped by for a visit and dropped off a thank you card for her, as I always did.  She called me almost immediately.

"Hi!  Thank you so much for the card!  You made my day.  I'm so excited that I even placed an order for you today.  The first one.  What do you think of that?"

"That's great Tiffany.  Now you just made my day!  Thank you so much.  I really appreciate it."

" No problem.  You deserve it.  Took you long enough to get one.  Hahahaha"

I laughed along with her and then told her to have a great weekend and hung up the phone.  I was so happy I was finally going to start getting orders from this account, it had made my whole Friday complete.  I was beaming from ear to ear when I got a text from a number I didn't recognize. It read:

"What are your plans for the weekend?  Are you planning to misbehave?"

"No not really.  Who is this?"

"Oh.  It's Tiffany silly.  This is my cell phone number.  So are you planning to misbehave?"

At this point I thought this was a little odd, since only recently had we just begun to speak, let alone start sending each other dirty text messages. I usually waited for the 6 month mark before I started sending sexually explicit messages to my contacts.  And besides, she was married with kids so I was taken aback by her desire to reach out to me. I blew it off as just someone wanting attention, and responded accordingly.

" I don't always misbehave, but maybe this weekend I will since you finally placed an order. =)"

" Well if that 's what it takes to get you misbehaving count me in! I'll order from your company all the time."

" Hahahaha.  Thanks so much and have a great weekend."

At this point, I thought it best to not let it go any further, so I tried to cut the text conversation short.  I felt it best to not let her lead me down a dangerous path of miscommunication via text.  But she was not about to give up.

"Are you planning on a memorable weekend?"

"I hope it's memorable."

     She then sent a picture of her in a short skirt.  A very good picture of her since she was an attractive woman, and it had a caption which read:

"I can make it a memorable weekend for sure."

Now I was in a panic.  I had been struggling for years to get this office to place orders, and now that they had finally placed one, I was going to have to sacrifice my soul and my body in order to keep the orders coming.   I didn't want to do this, so I tried to play it off as a joke.

"Nice pic.  Hahaha.  You're so funny Tiffany, and I'm sure that dress would make any weekend for your husband memorable."

" I didn't mean my husband.  I was sending YOU the text"

And this made me start to sweat.  Should I respond, should I not?  If I didn't respond, then she would continue to push the issue, and that would not be good. However if I did respond then she might think that I was down with flirting, and  she would like me to begin sending pics of each other.  I couldn't do that either.  I was not Brett Favre. In fact, I didn't have the "goods" to be Brett Favre.   I decided to respond and tell her I had a girlfriend, maybe this would end the text conversation.

"I appreciate you trying to make my weekend memorable. But you do know I have a girlfriend right?"

"So what if you have a girlfriend.  I have a husband.  Who cares.  Just trying to make both our lives a little more memorable!"

" Hahaha!  Thanks for thinking of me and have a great weekend."

   The conversation ended at that point and for the next 5 hours I didn't receive any texts.  It was 11 pm on a Friday when I received this text from Tiffany:

"Do you like to be tied up?"

" Who is this?"

"Tiffany.  I know it's late but answer the question.  Do you like to be tied up?"

" It's late, and I'm not sure this is too cool.  And no I don't like to be tied up. Good night"

" If you want orders from us, your going to have to let me tie you up.  Otherwise no orders."

By this point, I was pissed off.  I wanted to call her and tell her to fuck off, but instead I took the safer, easier approach:

" Okay no orders then. Good night", I wrote and sent to her phone.

" Don't mess with me or I'll make your life hell."

   Now I was beginning to think she was serious.  And what could she possibly do to me at this point.  The only record of our conversation was via these texts and it was clear she was crazy so I just turned off my phone, and went to sleep.   The next morning I woke up and had 5 missed calls from this crazy bitch on my phone.  I checked my voice mail messages and each messaged didn't sound like her but almost like the devil himself.  She was using one of those voice modulation boxes to place an effect upon her voice and make it sound deep and scary.  It was almost surreal listening to each message and she got progressively more and more angry that I wasn't answering the phone.    As I was listening to the last message my phone started vibrating.  It was her. I was pissed so I answered.

"Heh M this is Tiffany."

" Yes Tiffany.  This better not be another dirty message."

" No that's why I called.  Listen, I lost my phone yesterday and my kids had taken it and were sending all of these nasty texts to people I know and leaving messages on people's phones.   Sorry, but did they call you at all last night."

I was so relieved.  "Yes.  Yes they did.  They left all kinds of messages.  Pretty nasty"

" I am so sorry.  Hopefully you weren't offended by any of the messages."

" No I'm okay.  That last message was pretty bad I do have to say. I can't believe it was from your kids.  How old are they anyway?"

" They're 9 and 12 years old.  Why?  How bad was the message?"

" It was pretty nasty.  Something about tying me up and violating me  with a wooden spooin and all this other stuff."

" Oh my god really.  That was what offended you?"

" Well yeah.  It was pretty disgusting."

" I'm sorry.  But that actually WAS   a message I left for you.  And since it's just us talking and no text, you can't prove I ever said this, but I do want to tie you up and violate you with a spoon."

   I had no idea how to respond to that statement.  I felt like I was about to be violated by some oversexed version of Julia Child. I was speechless.  But Tiffany made sure to finish my statement.

" I hope you liked the message. Call me when you need an order." , she said and hung up the phone.

I just stood there, my cell phone still pinned to my ear, thinking "This is so weird.  I can't believe she wanted to use a wooden spoon.  If it was a spatula, then maybe.  No, no, no!  What am I thinking.  No order is worth the humiliation."

Keep in mind that you might want or wish for something in life, and unfortunately it might not be all that you were expecting it to be.  So be careful what you wish for, because those wishes might come true, but not for you. 

-M

This Time It's Personal

In order to be successful in sales, you need to open up, expose yourself to your customers. Now for all you weirdos out there, I mean expose your life, emotions, and personal idiosyncrancies, and not your flesh. Share things other than how your product works, or what benefits the customer might get from trying your product or service.  You need to differentiate yourself.  Even if you're just setting up new accounts only, how is the prospect going to distinguish YOU from everyone else?  So listen up people, "IT'S PERSONAL".

I'll give you a personal example.  Once I was set to conduct an in service, or give a presentation, with another sales rep and we were going to "tag team" the account.  I developed a Power Point presentation, ordered all this food, and we were set to go into the call and present together.  A few days before the meeting she rang me up and asked what she could bring, and I advised her water or drinks would be good since I hadn't bought any yet.  And then as she was about to hang up she said,

"I know just what to bring.  I'll bring the water but something else too. Ooooh IT is gonna be good!", and she hung up the phone with a giddy little laugh. 

Keep in mind this rep was very pretty, but also very unpredicable so I was a little unclear about what IT was, she was planning to bring. And I thought to myself, "What is this crazy bitch planning to do?  Because if she shows up in a trench coat and lingerie underneath, I am definitely going to let her go first."

The next few days were rough because I was concerned about what she was planning to do, and when I called and asked what her IT was going to be, she just answered,

 "I'm not telling.  I want it to be a surprise!"

But that wasn't good enough for me so I followed up, "Laura your a little bit crazy and unpredictable.  So in reference to the IT factor, there aren't any 'toys' involved with this surprise. Right?"

"Oh yes there'll be toys.  You'll see.", was her non descript answer and then she laughed and hung up on me.

At this point, I am freaking out, and all kinds of images are trapsing through my mind.  I'm picturing her with a dildo, and she's slapping it in the face of the male technicians and the doctors.  The make up of the clinic was singularly male, with the exception of one lesbian, and therefore my fears were not wholly unsubstantiated.  In my head, I'm seeing her with a variety of weird sexual toys, writhing on the ground with the audience entranced, and behind her I'm reviewing a Power Point presentation on the merits and cost savings of our products.  I wasn't sure if we were going to add more business,...or end up in jail.

We were scheduled to meet in the front lobby of the hospital and then make our way downstairs to the clinic. It was raining on the day of the presentation, so naturally she did show up in a full length coat and she was carrying a box.  My stomach lurched a bit when I saw that she was also wearing leather boots.  They weren't thigh high boots, but they seemed adequate enough for anyone deciding to engaged in lewd conduct.  Naturally, my fears were not allayed. She greeted me with a smile and a hug.

" Where's the waters?", I said.

"Oh shit I forgot.  Ah once they see this they won't even care about the water.", she responded.

"So what's in the box?", I asked.

"You'll see.", she answered.

" What's the big deal.  Just tell me what's in the box."

"No. Besides I can't open it here in the lobby.  People will try to take it.'

"What?"

"Can we just go downstairs. We're running late.  We better take the stairs, the elevators here suck.", she said and headed for the back stairwell.  I quickly followed, and we were on the back stairs, with the heels of her boots clicking loudly and echoing off the walls.

"Did you bring the food?" she asked as we descended the steps.  My mind was elsewhere, and I was trying to see down inside her coat.  In fact, I deliberately walked behind her down the stairs to see if I could discern what she was wearing underneath. 

"Huh? What food?", I responded still trying to peek down her coat and I did see an ample amount of cleavage from my vantage point on the stairwell.

"The food from the caterer." she said, and when we reached the bottom of the stairs, she then turned to look at me and the top button of her coat had come undone, so I was staring directly at her exposed chest. "Did you get a good look?"

"Yes.  Yes I did.", I said still transfixed by her open coat, and not listening to a word that was just said.

"You did!" she said obviously offended.  I took my eyes off her chest, slid back to reality, and looked her in the eye.

"I was referring to the food.  Not you.  I took care of the food.  Yes the food."

She then giggled and turned around and headed through the double doors into the clinic.  I followed feeling embarassed and still nervous about what was going to happen.  She came in and the whole room lit up.  She walked through the reception area and into the back, putting the box down on the table where the food had already been set up by the caterer.  She still had her coat on as she was greeting the doctors, nurses, and technicians, while I walked behind her and offered handshakes instead of hugs.  They were more happy to see her than me; obviously. 

Finally one of the doctors asked, "What's in the box?'

"Oh you'll see.  Let me take off my coat first. It's warm in here", she responded and waved her hand like a fan in front of her face.

"Only since you got here.", one of the techinicians chimed in, and then they all laughed.

"Well aren't you sweet." , she said smiling, and then reached for the top button of her coat.  She knew everyone was looking at her, and waiting for the big "reveal".  Therefore, she slowly undid each of her buttons, for what seemed like an eternity.  As she did so, anticipation from everyone was building, and in the back of my mind I was thinking, "Please don't be wearing just a bra and panties."
Her hand moved slowly over each button, and when she finished with the last button she slowly rolled her shoulders back and slid her coat off to reveal a low cut, very stylish blouse, with a short black skirt, and of course her leather boots.  It was a tasteful , yet sexy outfit, enough to show off her body, but not sleazy enough for her to look like a slut.  Needless to say, I was both aroused and relieved.  But there was still the box sitting on the table.

"Okay, now what's in the box?", the same technician asked.

" I'll show you." was her answer and she seemed way too excited for this not to be the start of some stage performance.  I thought I heard the first few chords of Def Leppard's "Pour Some Sugar On Me" in the background.

She bent over the table, and seem to do it in a way that she seemed all to sexual, as if she had rehearsed this many times before.  She obviously knew how to use her sexuality to her advantage, but she did it in a way that was more a flirtation than a solicitation.  She opened the box with her backside to all of us, picked it up off the table, and spun around quickly.

"Ta da!" she shouted and held out the box in front of her.  Everyone stood up, and looked inside to see a CAKE!  A rectangular white cake with all kinds of different colored frostings, and toys all over the thing.  In the middle of the cake was written "Happy Holidays!".  It was a beautiful cake and I was both relieved and disappointed that there wasn't more in the box than just a cake.  But everyone in the room loved it!

"I baked it myself, just for you guys!", she said and set the open box back down on the table.

Everyone gathered around the cake and then each person thanked her enthusiastically.  They didn't even notice the mounds of food that were garnered around the open box; just the cake.  Each tech, doctor, or nurse,  noticed a different toy, or a different type of frosting, and pointed out its merits as if they were viewing a painting in a museum.  

"It took me 4 hours to make it, but you all deserve it."

The medical director for the clinic looked over the cake smiled and said, "Sometimes food tastes better if you know who made it.  I'm going to enjoy this knowing that it came from you.", and he gave her a big hug.

I don't know what kind of sick message he might have been implying , but if you take what he said literally, he seemed genuinely appreciative that she took the time to make the cake.  For my part, all I had done was call in an order, had someone make the food, and even deliver it.  I had made a phone call. That's it!   And they didn't eat all the food I ordered but there wasn't one piece of cake remaining when we left the clinic.  She made it personal and they loved it!  That's how to differentiate yourself.  MAKE IT A PERSONAL.  People appreciate it more if they know you're thinking about them and that it comes from the heart.

It was lesson well learned and more importantly, we got 4 orders from the clinic that day!

 Have a great day selling!

-M

Break Out Of Your Daily Routine

Too often I find myself doing the same mundane routine daily.  Get up, feed the dog, watch a snippet of morning news, read newspapers online, check my emails, update my stupid Salesforce numbers, and then get ready for the day.  All this happens in the short span of about an hour.  These are habits that have been effective and have led to success in my career, but they don't get me excited to get out of bed in the morning.  In fact, the other morning I was thinking, "Do I wanna get out of bed?  Why don't I just stay here and call my customers to come and visit me?  Maybe they'll buy more if they think I'm sick?"

And then of course my dog brought me back to reality and looked at me as if to say, "Don't be ridiculous.  Your customers are not going to come to you stupid.  Now let's go for a walk.  It's beautiful outside."

I believe that we create our own problems, our own worries, and our own fears, and sometimes I think we do this out of boredom.  WE HAVE IT WAY TOO EASY.  We aren't in fear of our lives everyday we wake up like people in other countries. We live in a great country, with a high standard of living, and this creates apathy and boredom.  Why do you think kids are playing video games all the time? They're bored, and instead of using their imagination, they have someone else create a fantasy for them on the screen.  We need to get out of our routines!  Break out and change them, so we can infuse fun into the day.  Here are some things you can try to put some excitement back in your day.

1. Start At The End - I normally end my workday with a workout, to relieve stress.  But one morning, I just decided that I wanted to get up and go to the gym to get the adrenaline pumping and start the day on a physical high.  It worked, I felt great all day and was enthusiastic.  I had lots of energy and my customers took notice.  So whatever it may be, reading emails, the newspaper, breakfast, etc.  Change it up and maybe considering doing the first thing last and the last thing first before you head out to the field.

2. Change Your Route When You Commute - If you live where I do, a car is essential, but the commute is often terrible.  One day when I had to head way across town, I got up extra early so I would miss all the traffic and I started to head out but then I changed my mind.  I traveled a completely different way and took a different freeway and side streets to my territory.  And what happened?  I discover a whole new slew of prospects which I didn't even know existed.  It worked out really well for me psychologically and financially.

3. Order Something Different - People are so finicky about their coffee, their food, their lives.  It's so boring.  If you order the same skinny vanilla latte at Starbucks get something different.  Or if you always go to Starbucks, try a different coffee shop and order something you normally wouldn't order.  Something outrageous just to change up your day.   Don't be afraid to stop and smell a different cup of coffee.

4. Honey I Forgot The Kids - Many household have both the mom and dad working and the commute can be tough for both parents.  If your wife or husband normally drops off the kids for school or daycare, offer to take them once in while.  this will give you time to bind with your children and relieve your poor spouse who will appreciate the gesture greatly. Also it will be a good way to start off your morning and it will remind you why your out there selling.  If I have to explain this to you, then you might want to do a self assessment of your priorities.  And please don't forget to pick the kids up in the afternoon too!

5. Alter Your Approach -  A lot of sales people do the same thing day in and day out, week in and week out, and that is boring, boring, boring.  I understand the idea is to "mirror" your prospects but if you see regular customers that gets old real fast.  I was in a hospital last week and I decided on my way up the elevator to sing a song when I came into the office.  It was a song that was stuck in my head and so I just walked in and I was humming it as I entered.  The nurses there recognized the song and soon everyone was singing it , and it just made the call go so much better.  Don't be afraid to be real and change your approach.  People appreciate something different.  They want to look forward to seeing you, and not dread it.

So if you're stuck in rut, and keep doing the same thing everyday, then try some of these tips to break out and have a great day! 

Good luck and good selling!

New Employee Orientation and Training

   A few years ago, I started a new position and like many reps, I was excited to begin a new path in my career.  However, like all new reps, I was also thrown into a large group, during employee orientation and training, which had the same familiar people as my old company.  It appears that employee training or orientation seems to have a lot of the same characters no matter what company you're working for.  They are as follows:

The "Chatty Cathy" or "Peppy Peter"-  These people are generally nice so it really is mean to make fun of them, but I'm not a nice person so this is why they made the list.  They're just annoying.  They always have something to say NO MATTER WHAT EVERYONE ELSE IS SAYING.  In fact, it seems as if they must barge in on every conversation that is within 6 feet of them.  They appear to have something in common with everyone, and despite their good nature they can be a nuisance by the end of the week.  Here are some strategies and phrases to keep them from popping up in the middle of your conversations:

Cathy: "You have kids.  Really? That's great!  I have kids too.  What a coinkie dink?"
You: " My kids are dead.  Are your kids dead too? How's that for a coinkie dink?"

Peter: "You're leasing a Mercedes!  That's amazing I'm leasing a Mercedes too.  I have an "S" Series."
You: "I'm actually not leasing it.  In my case the "S" stands for STOLEN.   But don't tell anyone."

   In addition to being frighteningly upbeat and trying to hone in on your conversations, these people always offer advice to all the other new employees. 
"You should do it this way, not that way!", or "I've done that before but here's what you should really do if you want to be successful"
They act as if they've been with the company 15 years!  When the fact is they're just as green as anyone else in the room, but they're afraid to admit it.  My advise to this person is "Shut The Hell Up!"

Shawn the Serial Killer - This person always fits the description of a serial killer.  He is over 40 years old, single, white, male, and he just looks creepy.  He socializes with the other employees, but he cocks his head to one side and looks at them like a dog would when it's trying to understand what a person is saying.  He talks a lot about online gaming, World of Warcraft, Call of Duty , and his strange hobbies...like taxidermy.

Chances are his personal hygiene is not that great, and his breath smells like he just ate something that came from the bowels of a cow or a horse.  And what 's odd is no matter how many times you offer him a breath mint or some gum, he refuses for some odd reason.  He is the guy everyone tries to avoid at dinner, lunch, or during social hour, and despite his being a nice person, you always wonder if he's picturing your head inside of his fridge.  It's best to be friendly to him just to ensure you make it through orientation alive.

Hot Hannah/Harry - I don't understand why these people even attend the meetings because they always speak like they are so together and far more advanced then the rest of us human beings.  They say things, "I don't know why I'm here, because I've already had this training.  You guys might need it though."

They are engaged to be married to a doctor, lawyer, or some famous person, and they make sure that everyone knows about it.  Hannah is invariably talking about how much her wedding dress will cost, and how great her wedding is going to be in the summer, while Harry brags about his upcoming bachelor party and the hot chicks he used to date before he decided to "settle down".  And he always reminds you it is "chicks" plural because he's such a stud he couldn't settle for just one woman until now.  On the other side, she makes sure to remind you that her dress is from a famous designer and the caterer is the same one who handled the Royal Wedding.

You know they are going to do well in the field because they are actually good, but secretly you're hoping they fall flat on their face so you can rub it in.

Scott The Systems Guy- There is always a nerdy IT guy helping everyone with their computers, and looking sinister with his odd pull over sweater and hunched over walk.  He leers at the girls as he helps set up presentations, and he seems nice enough, but you wonder why he has those odd stains on his pants and that slight bit of drool on the side of his mouth.  Obviously he's not required to follow the company dress code, because he's wearing a t-shirt and jeans everyday.  However, he's so invaluable that they let him do what he wants without repercussions.  Who else is going to set up the webinars and Power Point presentations, while acting suspiciously and sweating profusely?  He quickly makes friends with Shawn The Serial Killer.

What Were They Thinking? Wally/Wendy-  I am consistently amazed at how some people ever get hired. I once took over for a manager years ago, and when I met his receptionist my first thought was "What the hell was this guy thinking when he hired her?"  She was grumpy, cursed a lot, and wasn't friendly at all.  She would give me the middle finger behind my back and she smelled bad all day long.  A nightmare for a "Director of First Impressions". 

So when you head to new employee orientation there is always one new hire who fits this description.  And sales is no exception because managers seem to make the same mistake.  There is always one person there who doesn't seem like they should be.  The person shows up wearing an outfit from the 1960's and the fashionable hair style to boot.  The manager always justifies the hire by saying, "Well he/she knows a lot of people in the business."  Knowing people in the business and actually selling the business are two completely different things.  Just because person has been around a long time, doesn't necessarily mean they're doing a good job. Sometimes it simply means they've been able to avoid getting fired, by moving from company to company before their manager figures out what a royal screw up they are.   These people shouldn't even be in the orientation let alone participating.  It's bad for everyone else's morale to be in the same room with this person because you're thinking, "Jesus Christ.  This person makes the same amount of money as I do, and they have enough dandruff  for me to snowboard through the conference room."

Regardless of the circumstances, isn't it good to have a job in light of the last recession? And despite some of your current co-workers riding a fine line between normal and psychotic? Be thankful you're employed and have a good day selling!

Post Holiday Blues

You know that Elvis song "Blue Christmas", I might write a song entitled, "Blue after Christmas", because that's the way everyone is feeling today as we head back to work following the holidays.   Yes the holidays can suck, especially if you celebrate them alone.  Now if you celebrate them alone but are surrounded by toy action figures who are your "friends", you may want to seek help.  Or at least get some real friends. And if you had a family holiday from hell, or you got in a fight on New Years Eve, then you might actually be looking forward to work this week.

Yet for most of us, it's that lousy day where we come in all fat and happy and realize that we need to go to the gym to lose all that from the egg nog, fudge, cookies, candy, turkey, stuffing, matzo balls, lutefisk, or whatever else you ate during the holidays. I can't believe people actually eat lutefisk?  It's disgusting. I heard over the holidays,a few restaurants in Minnesota can make it taste like lobster.  To me it taste like lobster for sure, lobster that's been sitting out for 5 days in a chemical solution that would kill a cockroach, and then soaked in radioactive water.  Doesn't that sound delicious?

In order to overcome the depression of heading back to work I have five quick recommendations for you to recover from your holiday hang over:

1.  Act Like It's Still The Holiday Season - Hey, no one said the holidays have to end after New Years.  I say we prolong it right through til Spring.  Why should we let "The Man" tell us when to end our celebration?  In the Year of The Protester I say we protest an end to the holiday season and extend it til at least Easter.  So keep wearing ugly sweaters, send out cards, and keep your tree up until April 1st.  Well, keep the tree watered otherwise you might have a potential fire hazard in the living room.  Don't take down your lights, hell some of you leave them up all year round anyway.  But turn them on, and play lame holiday music loud and annoy your neighbors.  It's the spirit of the holidays that never dies, and why should it die on January 2nd. 

     2. Wear Festive Underwear - If you are afraid that someone will look oddly at you for still        wearing reindeer antlers or funny looking sweaters, then don some holiday undergarments. Here's a    few samples for both men and women from abcunderwear.com and maidenform.com. Nothing will make you feel more festive than these lovely undergarments, and wearing them will keep you smiling through til spring.  Their nothing like a holiday party in your pants!

The pair above is a little too sexy for my personal taste, and I don't think I would look that good in a thong, but to each his/her own.  I prefer the Santa Boxers at the top of the post, much classier.  When you wear something that makes you feel festive, then they day progresses that much faster.  The underwear doesn't pertain to just Christmas alone. There are also Hanukkah briefs.   These are brought to you courtesy of Cafe Press and the printing at the bottom reads, "Light My Menorah".  Jewish or Gentile, these are awesome; and if you wear these how could you not be in a good mood! 

 

      3. Drink Egg Nog Daily - There is no drink that screams "It's The Holiday Season!", like egg nog.  A completely gross and fattening concoction of milk, cream, sugar, and eggs.  But oh what a tasty delight it is!  Now I recommend drinking light egg nog since whole egg nog would make you as big as Santa Clause.  And I recommend you run out and buy a bunch of it NOW!  Because it will soon be off the shelves of stores since it's primarily a holiday drink.  So go buy about 10 gallons so you can make it through the winter. 

I also recommend that after drinking all this egg nog you have your cholesterol checked once per week, exercise daily, and have your arteries cleansed before they become clogged.  It's fattening yes, but boy it taste sooooo good...

     4. Re-gift Those Crappy Holiday Gifts - If you received a "White Elephant" for the holidays, make sure you share that rare holiday treat with someone you know.  Nothing makes you feel better than confusing people with a gift they won't want, and it's not even the holidays.  Call it an "Un-Birthday Present".  And make them feel the love, or hate, or whatever.  You must have customers out there that you don't like or whom you are not terribly fond of.  Why not give them a little gift during the winter to lighten their spirits, like Divinity candy?  No one enjoys that hard, white candy, that is almost impossible to eat in less than an hour. They'll be sucking on that stuff for hours just to get it soft enough to chew. Why don't you re-gift all your friends with holiday pound cake? They can either eat it, or use it as a door stop.

Personally, I have a lot of chocolate which I know is not good for me and I shouldn't eat.  But why should I keep it all to myself?  I'll pass it on to friends or clients, who I know are resolved to losing weight, just to challenge them to overcome their obsession with sweets.  Am I an enabler?  Maybe?  But at least I don't have to look at all that sponge candy anymore. And he if they start eating the sweets I'd say it's a win-win for us.

     5. Wear Snuggies or Sweatpants Everywhere - Unfortunately some of you may be doing this already, which is really sad.  But during the holidays, most people wear nothing but sweatpants or snuggies during the entire 2 weeks.  So why stop now that the holidays are over? So you haven't showered in ten days, who cares?  I'm sure you can easily go another ten days without water desecrating your body.   If you're required to be in the office, wear a Snuggie for Casual Fridays.  If you have to go visit customers, or prospects, make light of what you're wearing and say, "Sorry I just rolled out of bed", which you literally did.  They'll think it's funny! 

Wear your sweatpants to the mall, or out to the movies.  Why shouldn't the entire year be a holiday for you.  I have noticed that some of you already do this consistently, so you might wanna curb it a little during the summer.  Those Snuggies can get extremely toasty in May and June.  But remember this nothing screams it's the Holiday Season like the stale smell of your own body. It brings out the flavor of the cookies...

I hope you take my advice, or at least some of it, to get over your holiday blues if you have any.

Happy Year Round Holidays!

-M

What's Humane about Human Resources?

       Recently,  I have been on a job search again, and I've noticed a progression over the years towards the de-humanization of Human Resources at almost every company to which I apply.  Now I may upset more than a few people with this article, including my sister, who was once head of a Human Resource department. However in my opinion,  "HR" people are not the best representation of a company. In fact, I can state with credibility that they are sometimes the worst choice to represent your company.


      For example,  when I would recruit at universities and colleges in the Los Angeles area, notably USC, UCLA, Pepperdine, and others, I never liked to bring an HR person. Why?  Because half the time they are eliminating candidates based upon some random behavior they noted in an interview.  After screening candidates a few years back, I sat down with our HR Director and we reviewed a pool of candidates.
HR Director: "I don't like this guy, he stared at me too long during the interview.  I think he would scare away customers."
Me: "Isn't eye contact good?"
HR Director: "Yes, but not this kind.  His right eye barely moved.  It was frightening. It had this glaze over, almost kinda dead look to it."
Me: "Really?  You do realize that he has a fake eye?  He mentioned it to us last time we were on campus."
HR Director: "Oh! Hmmmm.  I guess he's okay then. Sorry I didn't know that."
Me: " You did the screening!  Aren't these your notes on the back of the resume?"
HR Director: " Oh yeah.  We see so many people it's hard to remember them all."
Me: " I see.  Yeah we interview so many people with fake eyes I can see where you might miss one."


    They spend more time disqualifying candidates rather than trying to hire them.  It's called "weeding".  They want to make sure they weed out all the bad candidates to get to the good ones.  The problem is there is so much room for discretionary judgement, and I'm not so certain HR people are as objective as you might think.  The following conversation was one I had with an HR person following a recruiting trip to Pepperdine.


HR: "I don't like this girl.  She's European, and she's way too pretty for this position."
Me: "I thought we were sticking to just the qualifications and not focusing on the people yet."
HR: "We are, but I don't see her as working out.  She'll manipulate people into buying, and she won't sell them."
Me: " Wow.  You really think so?  How long was your interview with her."
HR: " Like 10 minutes.  But I can glean a lot from a person in ten minutes."
Me: " Really?  Glean? Are you Edward from the movie "Twilight"?"
HR: " Very funny.  I wish I could do that.  I love that movie.  But I don't love this candidate.  She's not the right fit."
Me: " And what's your basis for that judgement?  Because the sales rep and the sales manager liked her."
HR: " European background.  I'm not sure she understands the American work ethic.  They all get 8 weeks vacation over there you know.  It's a red flag. Too pretty and too European. We should pass on her."
Me: " Okay, yeah no, I'm going to move her forward in the process."


(It was a good thing I did move her forward because the candidate turned out to be a great management trainee)


Human Resources is really no longer about humans.  It is now more about the resource.  People have developed this field into a science, almost like geology, however here we are "mining" people.  In fact, Human Resources is a business major at many college and universities.   I guess technically it is now a science. Well trained Human Resource specialists are searching for a diamond in a pile of coal, or a nugget of gold surrounded by clumps of pyrite.  It is a difficult task and not everyone can do a good job of finding that "mother lode".  That's why during the Gold Rush not that many people got rich. It's a crap shoot.


Recently, I've been receiving a lot of calls from company recruiters. I find it ironic when HR recruiters from companies identify themselves to me as Talent Acquisition Specialists. What is this a theater company?  During an interview with one of these "talent acquisition specialists", I told him I wasn't a good dancer, as a joke, and he responded in a dead pan voice:
"You don't need that skill set for this position." I nearly dropped my phone  and the call!
Are you acquiring talent or are you just screening out what you determine as poor talent? It's hard to determine talent when your only interview is over the phone.  Would a movie director hire an actor without a screen test? Heck no!  I always do well on phone interviews, but can you really get an idea of how well a person will perform a job over a fiber optic network? 


I think the problem with Human Resource personnel is they see so many bad candidates that it's difficult for them to determine which one's are good anymore.  They spend so much of their days dealing with the negative aspects of business such as the firings, downsizing, disciplinary actions, that they can no longer "relate" to people. In fact, I would argue that they ostracized themselves so they can remain objective.


 HR employees cannot and will not empathize with employees because it's too painful for them on a personal level, and it would make their job that much more difficult if they saw a person sitting in front of them as more then a number.  This is a major problem in this field and why it needs a paradigm shift, especially in this economy.  With so many layoffs, firings, and dips in the economy more than ever we need to put a humane face of the science of Human Resources.  Let's put the H back into HR.


-M