Happy Holidays?

I love the holidays.  That's right. I said it. Love'em!  Why?  When can you insult your mom, dad, sisters, brothers, uncles, aunts, and cousins over a glass of egg nog...mixed with rum and not get slapped on the side of the head.  It's usually in good fun, and it's great because during the holidays, all is forgiven.  You can be the worst relation on the planet and for some reason people will forgive you and even give you presents for being naughty! How wonderful is that?

Although the holidays are ripe with good cheer, there are some people you might want to avoid during this season, and some food and drink you should think twice about consuming in excess, or in some cases at all.  Here's a few things to avoid during the holidays so you can be more jolly.

Weird Uncles - Every family has some person they would never bring with them on that show "Family Feud", because he's either living in a basement, or they keep him hidden in a closet.  I had one uncle, who lived with my grandmother, and he would eat raw onions during the holidays.  While everyone else was munching on Christmas cookies, chocolates, and cream puffs, he was eating onions.  My sisters always remind me of him peeling them at the kitchen table.  A routine he cherished.  Naturally he would salivate profusely, and he would peel each onion slowly and deliberately, as if they were a delicacy few could afford. Imagine chatting with this little fellow during the holidays, and his onion breath masking all the wonderful scents of the season.  For him it was a White Onion Christmas, and we all had to suffer through it.  I find it amusing that many of my relatives wonder why he never remarried.  Why he never remarried?  Who the hell married "Onion Boy"in the first place?

If you have a Weird Uncle, avoid him like the plague because chances are...he might have it, and it might be an unwanted Xmas present he gives to you.

Strange Aunts - In addition to weird uncles, strange aunts always filled my holidays with cheer...I mean fear.  The problem and payoff with these peculiar relations, is you never knew what was going to happen next.  It was exciting to watch my aunt drink her glass of "water", which was essentially a tall glass of vodka.  After a few glasses of water, the fireworks would start and she'd be laughing hysterically or yelling at my uncle that they had to leave, because she wasn't feeling well.  Hmmm, I wonder why?  Maybe a little less water and a little more food, and she wouldn't have been hallucinating and seeing elves dancing around the tree.  Receiving a good night kiss from this aunt was the equivalent of having your eyebrows singed.  One breath from her near a match, and the entire house would erupt in flames.  Good thing my dad was a volunteer fireman.  How's that for a Merry Christmas!



The Black Sheep - Every family, assuming you're a part of a family, has one person they dread seeing around the holidays.  Or rather the person they invite to every holiday gathering and then pray they don't show up.  This person usually ruins Christmas by doing something completely horrible, like stealing presents from kids, borrowing the car and then leaving it in a roadside ditch, stealing money, asking for money, or fighting with everyone and ruining the spirit of the holiday.  Black Sheep are usually very unhappy people, verbally abusive too their kids, their husbands/wives, poor dressers, and lack manners.  Food regularly flies from their mouths because they speak while they're eating and they shout at their kids all through the day. 

"Jimmy put that gun down, you're not 10 yet."
"Holly stop kissing your cousin Todd on the lips."
"Donna, a halter top is not appropriate at the dinner table."

Believe it or not, my family gets along fairly well, and when our Black Sheep shows up we are polite, and cordial, so we don't arouse any suspicions or anger, and when that person(s)leaves, there is never a big sigh of relief, but rather a mutually joyous chorus of "Hurray!"  I can remember one year my nephew shouted as the door closed, "Let's get this party started!"

If a Black Sheep comes to the house, herd him/her quietly out the door.

The Mystery Dessert - My grandmother always had to have a certain ambrosia salad for dessert every Christmas, and we loved it.  But she also made us eat this divinity candy which she made herself and forced us to eat, that was the equivalent of sucking on a piece of granite.  Each piece had the taste of a wet rock, while the shape and texture of the supposed candy was more like a petrified macaroon.  If you were dumb enough to bite into a piece before you had sufficiently slobbered it soft, you were sure to lose a tooth...or two.  Yes it was that hard, and we took to throwing it at each other because it inflicted a great deal of pain upon the person who was hit, and blood was usually drawn upon contact.  The candy was shaped like a macaroon but with an extremely hard and pointed end, which easily pierced the skin.  Cries rang out whenever we participated in a "Divine War", and a blood trail inevitably followed.  If my parents had not intervened on several occasions I'm sure that someone would have lost an eye.

As my mother wisely said, "Yes children, red is a Christmas color, but your father and I will be the only people who shed blood on this holiest of days."

I assumed at that point we were engaged in some type of Jihad against the neighbors, but I rarely asked questions after the first glass of Rhine wine had been consumed by my mother.  Too dangerous.

Egg Nog - I like egg nog a lot, but too much of it, and I feel like I'm filled with egg yokes. Who invented this evil mixture of milk,rum, eggs, sugar, and cream?  This drink will never make it on the Skinny Girl cocktail list because it has more fat and calories then six quarts of Haagen Dazs ice cream. Yet mixed with rum and Kahlua, it's sooooo goooood!

Apparently this is an English concoction that was developed in the Middle Ages and the tradition carried over to the American colonies.  Why didn't they just leave it in England?  It taste great going down, but if you drink too much and it ends up coming back up, it can be a horrific experience.   Like vomiting candied milk.  If you do end up drinking some, be sure to drink it slowly...very, very, slowly; just the way it pours.

I hope you all have a wonderful holiday.  I know I will.

-M

"Operation Cleanup"

In all my years of selling, I don't think I had ever experienced a "cleanup" of my numbers...until now.  I have been having a great year and October was no different, with me exceeding quota again. Consequently I was expecting a pretty good paycheck for my commissions this month.  For those of you not in healthcare sales, the commissions are always paid well after month end, sometimes even 2 months after the month end. Naturally, I was anticipating a nice holiday shopping season.  However to my surprise, instead of a good commission check, I received a big piece of humble pie from my company, which came in the form of an email.

" Our admin team does some cleanup to make sure all orders and accounts are coded correctly, at which point commissions are calculated and resulted in the 92% attainment with the corresponding payout. Thanks. "

Thank you Mr. Spock.  92% attainment?  When will we make it to warp or even hyper drive?  Does this mean I have to attend a Comi-Con convention to get that revenue back? What the heck does that mean?  What are they cleaning up? Does this involve a mop, bleach, Lysol, or even Comet?  Naturally I had to call and ask, and the answer I received was that they had unwittingly duplicated an order.  Here was my email response. I have highlighted it in red for obvious reasons, anger being the primary one.

"I'm not clear on the technical definition of "cleanup"?  If the order was duplicated and the patient received the orders then why is it being deducted from my numbers?  Were the products returned and will there be a credit issued to the customer?"

"Not at this time.  The patient hasn't responded to our query and we can offset this duplicate with reorders in the future."

"Again, why is it being deducted if the company is not issuing a credit to the patient or the insurance company?"

"It is being deducted because technically this is a reorder and Account Manager's are not paid on reorders."

In other words, "go screw yourself."

I was shocked!  I understand the need to curb expenses but I was almost under the impression that the "cleanup" is part of a monthly routine performed to reduce costs and thereby upset the Sales Team morale. If a company wants a sure fire way to deplete morale, just start messing with employees and their money.  The company will definitely have a deep seeded morale issue.   I called several of my fellow Account Managers to see if they had ever been victimized by the late night "Cleaning Crew",  and the response was the same from all of them, but one in particular offered her professional advice.

"Oh so they finally got you too.  Sorry, but that happens a lot here."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously.  It's happened to me at least 8 times in 5 years.  Where I'm over quota and then suddenly they find something that puts me under my quota.  They're never really clear on what it is that's fallen off my numbers but they always claim it's a reorder."

" I need to get a new job.  This is messed up. Do they supply you with data to support it?"

" Of course they would get sued otherwise.  But keep in mind they control all the data going in and out.  We have no control over it."

" Geez it's like Big Brother is watching us."

" More like Big Assholes." 

" Well big assholes get screwed all the time. Let's hope it happens soon."

" Big assholes also shit on everything.  Be careful you don't end up under it."

" Good advice.  I think I need an umbrella"

" A heavy duty one.  To protect you from the cleanup."

" What I need to do is start looking for a better job opportunity."

" Amen.  I hear that. Do it now before you get complacent and stop being angry."

I took her advice and dusted off, updated,  my resume the next day.  It doesn't hurt to be looking for new opportunities, especially when you've landed in an asshole.

Well, I'm off to the Dollar Store for Christmas gifts! Have a good day selling!

-M

Carpe Diem!

How sad that the only reason many of us know what this means, including myself, is because we watched the movie "Dead Poets Society". Even worse, is that the words came from the mouth of Robin Williams, who prior to this was famous for being Mork from Ork, saying things like "shazbot", sitting on his head, and freezing people on the sitcom "Mork and Mindy".  Regardless of the messenger, the message was pretty clear, despite the fact it was written in Latin: "seize the day".

I believe that when I was younger, this phrase meant that I could act like a jackass and do crazy things because I was living every moment to its fullest.  "Carpe diem" we would shout when we got drunk and jumped 60 feet off a cliff into the waters of Lake Havazu, or went tearing down a mountain road on motorcycles in excess of 120 miles per hour.  What we really should have been shouting was "holy shit I can't believe I'm doing this!" 

However, now that I am a bit older, I realize that it can mean many things to different people depending upon who you are, you're lifestyle and what type of day you wish to seize.  As a sales person it can mean that if you see an opportunity you should seize it before it is lost.  For a parent it could be as simple as telling your child you love them before they head off for school, or for a couple sharing love for one another and reminding yourself why you're together.  There are a myriad of ways to embrace the concept of carpe diem both personally and professionally.  Here are a few ways for you to lighten up your day by seizing the moment.

1.) While Shopping: When the cashier says, "I can help the next person in line", and opens a register, make sure YOU are that first person in line,whether you are entitled to be or not.  If you have to knock down kids or an old lady to do it, who cares, as long as you seize that spot.  First come, first serve...sorry grandma.

During the holiday season, people actually fight to get the hottest selling items on the shelves.  Be sure that you don't get left out in the cold and make sure to get there early or late, but don't ever leave the house without a Taser or at least mace.  You never know what you'll need to do, in order to make your children happy.   Get that gift or go home a loser.

2.) In The Office: If there is only one doughnut left from the dozen that someone brought in, make sure that YOU are the person to eat that last doughnut.  Even if you're not hungry, grab that last bear claw or crawler because it's the little victories that count.  Maybe there is only one cup of coffee left in the pot, be sure that you get it before anyone else does.  Or perhaps there is just one piece of cake left from a birthday party, take that piece before the rest of the office, even the person whose birthday you are celebrating.  Hey, it's their birthday, they'll receive plenty of presents, they can do without one measly piece of cake.

3.) As Your Driving: There may be only one parking spot left in the mall, especially this time of the year, but make sure you take the opportunity to snag it for yourself.  Sure people have been circling for hours and you just pulled into the lot, but if you can get to the spot first, you win!  Be careful not to run over any pedestrians in the process.

I would recommend other ways to practice carpe diem while driving but these might be interpreted as "road rage", and I don't want to have any of you be involved in an accident.  Seriously, it's not fun.

4.) At A Restaurant - Nothing is more frustrating then walking into a place ordering your food, and having no place to sit because one person is taking up an entire table to themselves.  Seize the day and seize a spot next to that person.  Then proceed to be so overly disgusting or annoying that they leave the table to you and your friends.  I find that being way too enthusiastic and "chatty" always does the trick for loners who want to just eat their food.  You either get the table or a black eye, but it's worth a try.

5.) In The Field - Here is where you can really make an impact on your income and your life.  If you sense that a prospect or customer is about to close, you should immediately seize the moment.  Some people call it using your "antennae" or your "sales sense". However, all good, and I repeat GOOD, sales people can almost feel when a prospect/customer is close to making a decision.  As a rep you have to take that  opportunity and close the customer/prospect.  If you don't close, then you don't get a sale and they don't get the benefit of your product or service.  Because keep in mind, that Sales is about helping people achieve their goals, and not only about making money...Did I just write that?

Although we all enjoy the making money aspect of the job.

Have a great day selling!

-M

Why Do They Always Preach You Have To Be #1?

I am currently reading another sales book, and invariably there is a quote from someone who is the #1 rep in the country and how they became so successful.  I always laugh when I read these quotes because these people are so full of themselves, and basically full of shit.

When Robert Ringer wrote the book "Looking Out for #1", he didn't intend for people to use it as a justification to be jerks and walk all over people.  He wrote it to help people take control of their lives, and not get bogged down by other people's issues.  Yes it is a manifesto for selfishness, but suddenly everyone wants to be #1.  And the focus in every corporate sales culture is on being #1.  Why? Because it's a sign of success.  Well aren't you still successful if you're number 2 or 3 or even 4? I know a lot of number 1's, including myself, and believe me, we're nothing special.

Consequently I put together a list of 5 qualities it takes to be number one:

1. It Helps To Be Lucky - I remember an operations VP at a company I worked for had a placard on his door that read,
  “I'm a greater believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it”

― Thomas Jefferson

Well Thomas Jefferson never worked in sales. Sometimes being in the right territory, at the right time, with the right quota, can make all the difference between being number 1 and being number 101.  Years ago, I interviewed the number one rep in the country at my company, because he was up for a promotion to management, and my branch needed a sales manager.   

I asked him, "What did you do to have so much success at such a young age, and in such a short time with our company?"

"One word. Sony.", was his answer.

"What do you mean exactly."

" I sold Sony.  It's the largest account in the company to date. Of course I had help from Greg my GM and Jeff the manager.  But it made my year."

" What about other accounts?  What other accounts did you sell besides Sony?"

He laughed and said, "What other accounts did I need to sell , when I sold Sony?"

He explained the entire sale to me, and in reality this kid, and he was a kid, walked into a territory and a situation where Sony was already about to close, and he just happened to be the rep in the territory at the time.  He seemed well spoken, well dressed, and ridiculously cocky.  Needless to say, I didn't hire him as my sales manager.  The little prick just got lucky.

2. A "Good" Attitude -  Positive mental attitude is what everyone preaches for you to be a successful rep.  What the hell does that mean?  I don't have a positive attitude and yet I've been in the top 5 as a rep and manager at several companies.  And currently I am the number one rep in my region and number two in the country.  And as your reading this, do I sound like Professor Positive?  The answer is NO!

However, it is essential for you to have a good attitude and not get bogged down with whining. A top sales person, has to overcome ALOT to be successful, so just keep focused on your goal, which is to make money.   I whine a lot and then I get over it, but if you just keep on whining and don't try to stop, then you turn from a whiner into a wiener.  And nobody likes a wiener. 

3. Confident Not Cocky - I've met a lot of number one's who are cocky.  Why?  Because they're number one.  But they don't always stay number one, and when they have a bad year, because the bar is now just to high for them to reach it, for some reason they remain cocky, and blame it on everyone else.  The name for that person is "asshole", and I'm happy to see them fail.

However, a confident person, is one who knows their own abilities, and trusts enough in themselves to achieve their goal(s). And a confident person never flaunts their success. That type of behavior should be beneath them, and reserved for someone who is cocky.  Trust in your abilities and you will do well in sales. 

4. You Need To Actually Like People - I have never met a successful sales person who didn't enjoy being around people.  Not selling to people, but just being around them, and engaging in conversation.  Number one reps, just like any other salesperson, genuinely like people.  Most good reps find people fascinating, and they want to hear their "stories", this leads to understated trust with the prospect or customer, and helps that rep sell.  Me I find that as I get older, I find people less fascinating and more annoying, but I am able to overcome this issue with a good attitude...plus I sell to people I like which helps.

5. Focus And Fun, Focus On Fun - I combined these two together because a top rep maintains focus on their goals, but also on fun.  This will help with your attitude as well, because if you go out and try to enjoy yourself each day, then you will have fun.  If you're too focused on your goal, then all the fun is taken out of the job.  Who the heck wants to be in sales if you can't have fun?  That's the whole reason we're involved in this profession.  

I interviewed a few number one reps for this posting, and one of them told me specifically: 

"I get up every morning at 6:00 am, check my numbers, and then I focus on what I want to accomplish that day, and how I can make it more fun for the customer. That's it. Nothing special. "

When you're out there in the field, it is important to strive to be successful, but not everyone can be Numero Uno.  There can only be one.  But it's okay if you're number 3,4, or even number 20.  Just so long as you feel good about who you are, and where you're at.

Have a great day selling!

-M

Tips From Qyoda

Qyoda is normally a guest blogger on the site, with quick tips on how to increase sales or he just provides funny anecdotes.  He will be appearing much more in the near future since our attention spans seem to be diminishing and no one, including myself, can maintain focus for more than a minute.

This Weeks Tip From Qyoda:

"If you make a sale, you earn a commission.  If you make a friend, you earn even more commission...and maybe a drink or two afterwards."

The Holiday Season Is The Best Season For Sales

I like getting out and selling during the holidays because most reps are not working.  In fact, most of us are more concerned about what Xmas gift to buy the kids, wife, or parents, so we tend to slow down a bit during the holidays.  And why not?  We've worked hard all year.  Right?  Oh wait, that's right were in Sales, it's easy money.  Bullshit.  It's not easy at all.  Therefore many of us dial it down ALOT during the holidays to recoup and get ready for next year.  Is this a good idea?  I say NO!

Here are 5 good reasons to make that little extra effort to sell during the holiday season, and remember I said little extra effort.  It doesn't take a lot to make a difference, it's all about the timing.

1. Everyone Is Happier During The Holidays - Even that grumpy old contact, at one of your accounts or potential accounts, seems to be in a good mood during the holiday season.  Hit them up for a visit or an appointment!  They may be a sour puss during most of the year but around the holidays they warm up like instant cocoa.  There are some people who are resistant to the jovial nature of the season, but they aren't worth selling to anyways.  Get out there and take advantage of the good cheer.

2. Other Reps Are Shopping - I remember a few years ago it was a Friday, right before Christmas, and I was working in one of my hospitals around 4 pm.  Not late, but late for a sales rep on a holiday weekend.

One of the nurses in the Intensive Care Unit said to me, "What the hell are you doing here?  It's Friday. All the other reps have gone home."

"That's exactly why I'm here.  No competition.  Besides I didn't work at all this week so I figured I'd better get out and see some people. ", I replied and she laughed.  It was all totally true.  I find that if you just spend a few hours working when you know other people aren't,...there is no competition.  It's just you and your customers/prospects.

3. You're Allowed To Be Goofy - The Holidays are an excuse for you to dress like Santa, or an elf, or even a Hanukkah bush, to amuse your customers/prospects.  I can assure you that if you show up in a silly outfit or wearing even those ridiculous antlers that light up, people will give you some talking points.  They might even laugh, and then all of their defenses come down, and you're able to talk to them. Buyers and customers tend to be very guarded all year round, but the holidays are different.  Being a goofball is a great way to "break the ice", and at no other time of the year, is it more accepted than during the holidays.  Heck dress up as a reindeer if you want, but don't leave any droppings on the customer's floor.

4. The Holidays Are A Time For Giving - During this wonderful time of year, it is customary to give people gifts.  So give'em away! I know that in the medical field it's strictly forbidden to give out anything at all to a Health Care Professional, or HCP.  But that doesn't mean you can't leave candy for them, or fruit, or something they can eat.  Just make sure you "educate" them, on something or another about your company.  For those of you who don't work in health care and have few restrictions, hell buy them lunch, or a gift basket, or a bottle of scotch.  Anything to get the prospect's attention, and therefore get your company and your point across to them.  Give freely of your time, your attention, and most of all your message.

I remember doing a joint call with a rep who was firmly entrenched in her territory and had a lot of customers.  She was a distributor of my products so we made a few appointments together and when she showed up for the holidays with homemade pies, her customers went wild.  I could have bought them lunch, gave them a pie myself, and they wouldn't have cared.  But the fact that she made the pies herself, endeared her to those customers.  They thought she was the greatest thing since.......sliced pie.

5. Santa Was A Salesman - Do you remember all those stop motion television specials about Christmas they made in the 1960's?  The ones they still show every year on the Hallmark network or even on CBS?  Like "Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer" or "The Year Without A Santa Claus"?

Well I can remember one of my favorites of those shows was "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town".  In the story, Kris Kringle  had to literally sell the kids on playing with toys because the Burgermeister Meisterburger had outlawed toys.  Talk about a salesman!  He got the kids to risk jail time for themselves, and even their parents just for a couple of toys!  That is amazing, and he did it all with a little song.  A creepy little song when you think about it, "If You Sit On My Lap Today", but still it worked!  Santa knew what those kids needed....his products.


Many of you may not agree with me, and you'll choose to take the season off, and if it helps you recuperate, then I say, "Good for you!".  However, I think it's best to just put forth an extra effort, at key times during the holiday season, and this will set you up for not only next year but this year as well.  It's as easy as putting one foot in front of the other.

Happy Holidays and Good Luck Selling!

-M

Click on this link and you'll see what I'm talking about!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OORsz2d1H7s

The Wrong Company Phone

I don't know if your company issues cell phones to employees, but a company I once worked for did, and they actually claimed they would monitor your activity.  It seems as if George Orwell's vision of the future had become a reality with governments and companies monitoring people's activity.  Today, even our private conversations are now public fodder. So when I received a Blackberry from Federal Express, I was reluctant to activate it for fear that soon "Big Brother" would be watching me.  Well it turns out that Big Brother was definitely not watching, because the person who had the number previously was utilizing his company phone for a side business of his own.

Initially. when I received the Blackberry I was annoyed that it had a 732 area code.  For those of you who are familiar with the East Coast of the United States, this is a New Jersey area code.  Yes, that's right, New Jersey. Home of famous people like Thomas Edison, Buzz Aldrin, Bruce Springstein, and of course New Jersey's most famous resident Nicole "Snooki" Pilozzi.  Her and all the other residents of the "Jersey Shore" have turned the state from the Garden State into the "Fall Down I'm In A Drunken State", and now the place is famous for great things such as the "Jersey Fist Pump".(See Picture and Diagram Below)

But the show "Jersey Shore" is not why I was upset, because at times, the show can be amusing just like Jerry Springer, or Maury Povich are amusing.  You just want to see a train wreck and  they provide you with daily train wrecks for your amusement and observation.  So you can go about your life thinking, "Man at least my life's not that screwed up".  The reason the New Jersey area code upset me is because I'm in California!   California, home of fun and sun, and beautiful guys and girls who definitely do not fist pump.  My prospects or customers would see the number and think immediately that the company was located in New Jersey and had no California address.  Which would not be true at all, in fact we had two large distribution centers in California.  But the area code was the least of my problems with the new smart phone.  The first problem came when I activated the damn thing.  I received a text message which read:

"Bro, I need a hook up for tonight I got that date and everything.  Call me."

I thought it must be a mistake, since I had just activated the phone. Why would anyone send me that kind of text?  

"Bro, why are you not calling me.  I wanna score something tonight.  Hook a brutha up and call me...laters"

Now this message seemed a bit distressing since I am not a complete idiot and I know that when you "score" something it either means a girl, guy, or drugs.  I assumed this message meant drugs, and I was not disappointed because the next text message, from a different number, confirmed my theory.

"Yo, what type of sh#t are you bringing to the party tonight?  I'm bringing the booze, but I know you're bringing the PARTY!!!!!!  Right?  Holla back so we can hook up for some pre party stuff."

Keep in mind, for those of you who are literate, I am inserting punctuation so the text reads correctly. It seems that currently, we don't feel a need for any type of punctuation, even in a so called "literate" society.  The real texts were without punctuation, except for the '!!!!", and capital letters.  I guess that's more "street" or hip. What would I know?  I'm a dork. I thought long and carefully about responding to the texts, however I figured it would be best to just ignore the request and eventually the texts would stop.

 

But then the phone started ringing and all the calls were from 732,646,917, and 516. New York City or New Jersey.  I didn't answer the phone because first and foremost I didn't want to feel obligated to help the person on the other line with their "issue".  And what the hell was I gonna do for them anyway? And as I could see the voicemails kept coming, I decided to listen to them out of curiosity. 

"Yo bro, Are you gonna call me or what?  I got this hot bitch lined up for tonight and I wanna give her a buzzzzzzzz before we go out.  Keep her wound tight.  Where ya at?"

" Yo, yo, yo, what's up?!!! I need to score some uhhh "fun" for this weekend, I got some friends coming in, so call me."

" Hey ______, are you coming for Thanksgiving tomorrow?  If you are, bring some sh#t so we can get WASTED dude.  Later."

"Yo, yo, I have booze for tomorrow but bring some of the good E.  Haha or GOOD "Es" should I say.  Hahaha. Hit me back."

 

Apparently, this person definitely had some connection to drugs. I know for a fact that "E" stands for Ecstasy, and he apparently had some type of hook up to that drug in particular but who knows what he was supplying to people.  I was starting to get paranoid because the phone kept ringing, especially one 732 number in particular and thought to myself:

"Oh great!  All the buyers are pissed off at this guy, and so essentially there mad at me! They're expecting me to come through for them. Where am I going to Ecstasy at this hour and how am I gonna get it to New York and New Jersey!"

Then I realized they didn't know me, so why should I care? I'll just turn the phone off, which I did. Problem solved.  At that very instant, there was someone pounding at my front door.  Pounding so hard, and so LOUD, that my dog started barking, which she never does.  I was freaking out now. Was it the police? Did they trace the phone to my place and now I was going take the fall for this former employee's little drug empire?  I couldn't go to jail, I'd never last as some one's "bitch". 

 

Or maybe it was a competing drug dealer, who knew I was now in this market and who was looking to rub me out?  He was probably outside with an uzi just waiting for me to open the door so he could fill me full of bullet holes.  I was losing it.

 

I decided to hide in the closet, because that was all I could think of to do.  I thought this was a brilliant plan since cops or angry drug dealers never look for perpetrators in the closet. I sat there in the dark, and I just waited for the pounding and barking to stop which it did, and then I heard a car or truck pull away from outside the house.  I was free....for now.

I slowly opened the door and saw a little package lying on the welcome mat.  I grabbed it, and quickly closed the door.  As I carried it to the kitchen, I thought it must be a bomb, or some other incendiary device from a rival gang who already knew about my dealings with clients in New Jersey and NYC. I carefully laid it down on the table and looked at the labels. It looked normal enough, and it was from out of state.  I didn't get close enough to read the label because I didn't want it to blow up. Instead I set it on the ground for the dog to sniff at, hoping she would miraculously change into some bomb sniffer, or that if it did go off at least she would be the only casualty.  She pushed it with her nose and I covered my ears but nothing.   I picked up the package and looked at the label.  It read:

"Happy Thanksgiving From _____________ Healthcare"

I was confused by the cheery message, and then my personal phone rang.  I looked at the number and it was from my company's corporate office so I answered.

"Hi M.  This is Dave from _____  IT.  Heh I need you to help you set up your new phone.  Do you have time right now."

"Yeah I guess Dave.  I've been getting all kinds of weird messages on this phone.  Who was the last person who had this number anyway?"

" Beats me.  What's the area code anyway?"

" It's 732."

" Oh that's Jersey.  Probably a rep in NY or something.  I don't know who get's what numbers until I set them up.  Why do you ask?"

" I keep getting weird texts and phone calls from the East Coast. "

" Well just ignore them, I'm sure they'll stop calling.  Or change the voicemail and people will get the idea.  "

That was easy for him to say, he didn't have people counting on him for Ecstasy and other drugs in order to have a Happy Thanksgiving.  He didn't have the cops on his tail and rival dealers ready to kill him at a moment's notice.  Sometimes people are just clueless.  

He took his time and helped me set up the Blackberry, and eventually the calls and texts stopped after a week, but I missed my time as a potential part time drug dealer with an East Coast connection.  As the texts trailed off, I was almost tempted to answer them just to keep the conversations going, but I knew if that happened soon there would be that familiar sound of banging at the front door from the police....or a delivery guy.  I was thinking the whole time that Dave, the IT guy, didn't have any idea how close I had come to getting thrown in the "slammer", or worse...killed.  And then I thought of what Dave looked like, and how long he would last in jail, the big wimp.  He couldn't do the hard time like me, like a dealer.  I held up my new company phone, rubbed on the texts, and missed calls, and thought to myself,

 "I'm such a bad ass!" 

Have a great day!