It's a dog!

Today I had an appointment with my vet to do a check up on my dog. I took her in and all of the sudden he advised me that she had all these things wrong with her. She seemed to be cramping, she looked stressed, her color was off. It sounded like he was talking about a car! Not my dog.

You know those times when you go to a Jiffy Lube, an Econo Lube, or even a regular mechanic just for an oil change or a tune up, and then suddenly your car is falling apart? And you're not sure if you believe the mechanic? This is precisely why people don't buy because they don't TRUST THE MESSENGER. That's exactly how I felt as the vet read off a laundry list of issues, including the fact that she needed a dog breath freshening system. Hello?! She's a dog! He explained that the system would significantly reduce the harmful effects of bad dog breath. Jesus, really? That's great if she out meeting people and socializing with them on a daily basis, but really doctor I don't think she's been invited to any parties lately.

I looked at him, nodded in agreement, took the dog by the leash, paid him for his overpriced charade, and told him I would think about getting all those expensive drugs and procedures for my pooch. Then I watched as the dog peed on the rug in his waiting room. The vet stood there and looked at me and then he looked at the dog.

"See. I told you she's got a lot of problems right now. Didn't I? Look what she just did."

"She seems fine to me!", I said with a little pride, "Thanks doc", I turned, and walked the dog out of the office.

When I got outside I scratched her head and neck, "Good girl", I said, "But a little poop would've been better."

-SFTD

Dear Sales Diary

Today I went to visit a doctor's office where I had scheduled an "appointment". The doctor's Office Manager, Helga, a brute of a woman wearing pink scrubs, but looking like an East German swimmer asked me to "wait a moment and the doctor will see you."

I waited for exactly 30 minutes when she came back to me and said,"I'm sorry but the doctor can't see you today. Maybe you can schedule a luncheon for him and the staff.Lunch appointments are the best really."

My immediate response was, "I'm not gonna feed your fat ass just to get an appointment with the doctor! Let me talk to the doctor NOW!"

However what I actually said was, "Oh sure a luncheon would be great! What time would you like to schedule it?"

I'm such a pussy!

-M

Is That A Sample of Your Product?

We've all had awkward moments when trying to make a sale, meeting new contacts, or just during our daily routine. Just last week, I had one of those awkward moments with a potential customer who I had been trying to meet with for weeks.
I just got a new puppy from the Humane Society, and was walking the dog early in the morning when I passed this business where I had been trying to meet with the owner for weeks. Appropriately, my puppy decided to relieve herself on the ice plant in front of the building and I was not prepared for her to poop that morning. Normally she just runs or walks and then waits til we get home to relieve herself. I panicked and searched for something to pick up the poop and found an empty bag of Cheeto's on the ground. I was able to scoop a different kind of "Cheeto" into the bag. We started walking along again, and who happens to show up right around the corner? The owner of the company, obviously an early riser and on his way to work. The puppy was wagging her tail and being friendly and he looked at me and then the dog and said,

"What an adorable puppy. How old is it?", he asked and bent down to pet the dog.

At this point I'm shocked and I can't think because I've been trying to meet with this guy for weeks and I'm holding a bag of Cheetoh's with a surprise inside. So I just blurt out, "Uh four months I think? She's a pound puppy."

"Really? She's cute for a pound puppy.", he said and began stroking the dog's head. The puppy was wagging her tail frantically and really excited to be making a new friend.

At first I'm thinking, "WTF! He thinks puppies from the pound aren't cute? How rude!" And so initially I thought to myself, "I hope she gets real excited and pees on his expensive shoes". But then I came back to reality and realized I had an opportunity to get an appointment if I played this right, and I didn't drop the Cheeto's bag on his shoe.

"Yeah, I guess I got lucky. I was the first in line on the waiting list."

"Well she's really cute. Hi puppy, hi puppy.", he said as he kept petting the dog, who was wagging her tail so hard her whole butt moved back and forth with each tail wag.

As he stroked the dog's fur, I said, "She's really playful so be careful she doesn't scratch you."

He kept calmly stroking the dog and so I figured I would take a shot, "Mr. Gonzalez, I don't know if you remember me, but I spoke to you a couple of weeks ago about a new product my company has that can save you about $20,000 per year. Do you remember meeting with me?"

" I do, but I'm sorry I haven't had time to get back to you. Been really busy.", he said and kept petting the dog who started to lick his face.

My first thought is to offer him a Cheeto because "I've been busy too you ass!", but I held the bag and my mouth closed. I just looked at him and smiled, then bent down and began to pet my dog.

"Good girl." I said. " I know you're busy sir so I won't waste your time, but I really think we can help your company so give it a thought and let me know."

"I'll do that." he said, and he sounded sincere with his answer.

"Thanks", I responded and we both were petting the dog for a moment.

"I gotta go." he said and stood up, " That's a cute dog. You run her around here everyday?"

"Yeah lately I have. She likes to run.", I answered.

He looked at the bag of Cheeto's in my other hand and look perplexed, " You always eat Cheeto's for breakfast?"

I was about to tell him it was a bag full of poop, but decided maybe that wasn't the best answer.

"Not always. Just today!", I said and smiled. "Take care"

"You too.", he said, "Call my secretary will set something up. Tell her your the guy with the dog."

"Okay...sure. Thanks again. See you later.", I said and ran off with my dog.

That was the best bag of Cheeto's I've ever had.

-M