The Annual Sales Meeting Part II

(This is an older post that many people missed about the Annual Sales Meeting.  The first one is extremely popular, but I actually think this one is just as humorous.  Enjoy!)

I haven't posted anything for a while but it's weird I've actually been out selling products! Isn't that amazing? Heh we all gotta pay the mortgage, or in some cases we gotta pay the mortgage, the car payment, tuition, food, groceries, etc. You get the idea.

Well to continue on with the National Sales Meeting Part II... after speaking to a few fellow reps, I found that these people are pretty much "staples" at sales meetings as well:

Weight Lifter Guy - It seems there's always one over bloated, or "swoll" guy at a National Sales Meeting. He talks about how much he can bench press and he's always eating Clif Bars, and snacking on anything with protein in it. He wants to maintain his "adverse reaction to a bee sting" like appearances for the ladies to admire. I think the problem is that most ladies don't admire this look...and so nothing ever happens for this dude. Whether he's single and wants to mingle or married, he's usually at the gym, or consoling himself with protein shakes, but most of the time he's by himself because people don't wanna hear how much you can squat. (I apologize for the assumed disgusting image now in your head)

The "I Was Robbed!" Salesperson - Each year there's always a sales rep, be it a man or woman, who thinks they got robbed for an award. You hear them complaining before, during, and after the awards ceremony. They bitch continuously and it really is annoying. "Well I had more growth in my territory than she did! Where's my award?", or they say things like, "Technically, his boss gave him that last account in November, but I was leading the whole year so I think I should get the award."

Hey loser. I have news for you - YOU LOST. GET OVER IT! I love winning just as much as Charlie Sheen but give me a break with the drunken lament. You didn't win an award, so friggin what? Who cares, there's always next year. Stop whining and start winning. By the end of the night after a few beers you feel like punching this person in the head just to shut them up.

The "Snitch" - There is always one sales rep at meetings who is like Cindy Brady and turns in everybody. He/She is listening in on conversations, spying on reps who are "hooking up", and reporting back to her manager all the things happening that are not in line with corporate policy. They also try to draw you into their little web by throwing out phrases like, "Did you hear what Rob said about Joe our CEO?....Do you agree with what he said? Joe can be a pain sometimes?"

Oh no you don't traitor...don't try to draw me into your little game. This person is like the "paparazzi" of the meeting too. They have a camera and are taking pictures of people getting far too drunk and then showing them the next morning to managers. They have a few drinks, talk shit, and generally don't know how to have a good time. They're too obsessed with their careers to actually enjoy life.

Strip Club Guys - These guys you won't see at every sales meeting because at times they're extremely covert and they don't want to get fired. But they are there, lurking in the shadows. They usually wait til everyone else has gone to bed and then they hit you up and see if you wanna go to a strip club. Or secretly they already checked online to see where the closest club is located. They're well organized and secretive because they don't want to get caught.

Believe me there are a lot of these reps, bosses, and even managers at National Meetings. They're usually married, or in some type of repressive relationship and the only time they get to see a "different" woman naked is at a strip club. And if you ever go out with them, they go absolutely crazy! They rubbed their faces in the girls chests, get lap dances for hours, and spend all their hard earned commissions getting all worked up over a woman they can't have. My favorite line ever from a fellow rep who coaxed me in to going out to eat and then an hour later we're at a strip club is this, "I think this girl really likes me?"

My response, "She's a stripper you ass. She's supposed to make you think she likes you. If you bought me drinks all night and stuffed money in my pants I'd give you a lap dance too. "

The Smart Sales Rep - Oddly enough these reps are in the minority at National Sales Meetings. They're the "goody-goody" reps. The reps who don't drink, don't smoke, and really don't even socialize. They write down everything, keep to themselves, say all the customary things, and don't leave their hotel rooms at night. They usually are responsible, call they're wife/husband and kids, and go to bed early so they can study for the next day's material. They're genuine and really good people. I usually find that I admire their focus and determination, but I also find them to be extremely BORING. Conversations with these reps usually put me to sleep and I find that most of they're jokes and humor come from kid shows like "Sponge Bob Square Pants" or they sing "Wiggles" songs.

"Wow, did you just quote Ernie from Sesame Street?"

These reps need to get out and live a little. It'd do them some good.

-M