Thanks For Your Advice...Now Shut It!

I know this post will have nothing to do with sales, but perhaps you'll enjoy reading it anyway.  I'm sure that many of you who have kids, dogs, or are just out in public and have experienced the unwanted input from some person who seems to know everything.  And I mean EVERYTHING! It's annoying, and it's completely unwarranted.  If you're not hurting anybody, or interfering with their daily routine, then why can't people just mind their own business? 

I find it almost sad that people offer free advice on how to raise your kids, or train your dog,  but if you were being mugged on the street they might feel more compelled to start filming the incident rather than getting involved and trying to help you.  We are a nation of voyeurs not participants. 

Regardless, I have listed a few notable quotes which we've all heard and some very good responses that will leave the recipient dumbfounded.

"You should really train your dog to walk properly" - I hear this advice all the time from women and men who have seemingly well behaved dogs and want to offer to "help" me out as a dog owner.  My responses to this bit of unwanted advice are as follows:

"I'm putting her down after this walk but she doesn't know it."
"Normally I let her off leash, but she killed a dog that looked a lot like yours, just last week."
"Don't say that too loudly she understands everything we say and she bites people all the time."
"This isn't my dog. I stole it from some homeless guy down the street."
" Oh this is the proper way to walk a dog where I come from. What the hell is wrong with your dog?"

" Is your dog always that hyper?" - I'm always amazed by this question because my dog is always excited to see people, other dogs, cats, anything that moves.  She likes to interact with everyone and everything, but this makes other dog owners nervous.

"No, but I put coffee in her food bowl this morning so she'd be extra excited."
"Only since she started doing cocaine."
"Wouldn't you be this excited if you just ate chocolate for the first time?"
" She's just in pain because I cut her nails to close to the vein.  There was blood everywhere."

"Your dog seems aggressive you should send her to obedience school?" - I hear this on occasion and it's usually people who own a smaller dog.  My dog is not very big, just 40 pounds, so small dogs are scared but just not scared enough to resist taking a nip at her.  She likes to swat them with her paw at that point, which upsets the owners.

"Oh I did send her to school. You should have seen her before, she would have killed your dog by now."
"Oh this is tame, wait til I let her off leash."
"I did send her to obedience school but she bit all the dogs in her class.  She's really friendly now though.  Let's she how they play together."
"She's just mad because I kicked her really hard a few minutes ago ."

I've noticed that the same helpful people will offer advice on how to raise not only your dog, but also your child.  Can't these people keep their big mouths closed?  Not only do they crossover, they do so with the same annoying consistency. Here's one you probably here that applies to both dogs and kids.

"Your boy/girl needs to play nice." - I never understood what this meant but I hear it all the time. It could pertain to kids or dogs.  "Play nice Jeremy" or "Play nice Marley".  It doesn't matter what you say some kids or dogs play differently, and so when someone says this to me, my response is always different.

"What is your definition of nice?"
"He/she is playing nice, your kid's just kinda wimpy.  Have you ever seen those movies?"
"Do you think I should beat him/her.  Maybe they'll play nice then."
"Her/his uncle taught her/him to play that way.  I had nothing to do with it."
"That's not my kid.  I thought it was your kid.  Hey where is my kid anyway?"

"Could You Get Control Of Your Kids?!" - Sometimes children are just having fun and don't realize how loud and disruptive they are to other people.  This question or rather statement usually comes from people who don't have children or people who have kids but treat them like junior military officers...or sometimes people who actually are pissed off at you and your kids.  Oh well...

"I could get control of them, but where's the fun in that?"
"I'm just letting them play before I put them to sleep...forever.", a big belly laugh should follow this.
"This is controlled.  You should see them at home.  Wanna come over some time and help me?"
" Sorry, they just got out of rehab. Lindsay Lohan was there.  Wanna see a pic?"
" These aren't my kids, they're my facebook friends."

"Are Your Kids Always Like This?" - I can see the face of the person asking this question right now.  It is sour, and with a slight frown, and shows they are ashamed for you and your children.  It's important for your children to be polite and well behaved but let's face it, sometimes that doesn't happen.

"No.  I just gave them a bunch of candy and coffee.  Why? Is that wrong?"
"Yes.  You should try living with them?  Wanna swap?"
" No.  Ever since the accident they've been acting this way. The doctor said it was brain damage."
" Yes! Aren't they great! I'm so proud of them for being a bunch of little a-holes. Thanks for noticing"
" These are my foster children.  I think they come from a long line of crackheads.  Sorry."


Remember, these lines actually will work to disrupt the person "butting in", and to keep you laughing.  The responses are not meant to be mean or vindictive but just to enjoy the moment, and keep you smiling and them confused.

Have a great day!

-M

Awkward...

Do not deny it.  We have all been in these situations socially where it's very awkward and you're not sure how to react.  Comical but very weird scenarios play out in every day life, and some of us are not exactly sure how to handle these situations.  Here are some that I come across on a daily basis.

Is She Pregnant? - Just last week, I ran into a charge nurse I was meeting for the first time and she looked pregnant, but I avoided asking her any pregnancy questions because I was unsure.  Let's face it, sometimes a woman can just be overweight and if you start asking, "How far along are you?  That could be trouble for you as a rep.  If she's not pregnant you just called her "fatty".  In order to avoid this scenario follow these simple steps:

1. Be Patient - Don't talk about pregnancy until she does.  This way you can avoid saying the wrong thing and she'll initiate the pregnancy talk.  It pays to be patient in these matters.  For example with the charge nurse we just started discussing regular things like patients, and she brought up that this would be her third child.  I didn't have to say a word.
2. Kid Talk - If you have kids then mention them, but don't say, "When I was pregnant..." , or "When my wife was pregnant", that is an immediate sign you think they're pregnant, and if you're wrong...appointment over!
3. Belly Talk - If you think they're just overweight, don't start discussing diets you've been on in the past.  This is a poor way to tip them off that you think they need to lose some weight.  Subtly, you're screaming at them, "You should be on that show The Biggest Loser!"

Which Eye Is Looking At Me? - I have run into this scenario A LOT!  It seems that America has a problem with a certain percentage of the population have "wall eyes", or in more clinical terms, divergent strabismus.  It means one eye is looking at you while the other one, which has a different agenda, is staring at the wall.  I have a hard time adjusting when confronted with a person having this condition because I never know which eye is the good one!  My focus varies back and forth, and this happened to me just a month ago.  I was speaking to a young woman in Materials Management, and I thought I was focusing on the "good eye", when it went trailing off towards the wall! 

So then I started focusing my gaze on the other eye and it did the same thing!  Finally, I just spoke to her and fixed my gaze upon the bridge of her nose.  Thankfully her eyes didn't cross otherwise I would have lost my concentration and started laughing.  A good tip here is to focus on the nose, not the eye or eyes. 

Where's The Limb? - About 6 months ago, I had a big appointment with another rep and we were going to meet the head of the supply chain for a large hospital group.  She had known him for a long time and this was my first meeting so I was a little bit nervous, but still kept calm and carried on.  When she introduced us, I held out my right hand in an offer for a hand shake but he was missing his right hand!  He held out his left and grabbed my right hand and shook it awkwardly and raised his arm.  Almost as if he was raising my hand triumphantly and that I had won a boxing match.  For a few seconds I lost my train of thought but quickly got it back, and the meeting went well.

Afterwards I asked her, "Do you think it might have been wise for you to mention Scott was missing his right hand?  That's a tidbit of information I would like to have know before the call."

She said, "I've known him so long, I don't even notice that any more."

"Yeah well I certainly noticed.  We shook hands like he was a referee and I was a boxer."

"I thought it was funny."

"Good for you. Happy to be here for your amusement.", I said and we both got a kick out of the situation.

    When confronted by a missing limb, a body part, or any physical condition not normally seen, just act normal and don't stare at the person.  It makes the situation that much more awkward.  Once when I encountered a guy who was missing a foot, I kept looking at the leg and wondering, "Where the hell is the damn foot?", as if he'd lost it under the table.  He finally noticed my fixation on his leg and said, "Did you lose something", I had to stop myself before I said, "No but you did."

Guess The Gender? - I had a customer years ago that would vacillate between being a man and then a woman.  One week he was Frank and the next week she was Leslie.  You would have thought he/she would have just called himself Leslie full time since the name is androgynous. So he/she would dress like a man than a woman, and then it just got weird.  She would dress like a woman, but looked like a man in woman's clothing.  He/she wasn't even trying hard at that point, and she/he was obviously confused. When dressed as a woman Leslie would wear no make up at all and not even do her nails.  When dressed as a man, Frank would wear eyeliner and some make up. It was a bizarre situation, and so finally, I just gave up trying to figure out exactly what gender she/he was since he/she couldn't decide.  As a matter of fact, I'm still confused.

If you're unclear on the sex of a person do not:

• Ask For Clothing Preferences - This is a dead giveaway that you suspect they are concealing something...literally.  They will shut down and stop talking to you almost immediately.
• Question What They Were Like As A Child - Absolutely avoid childhood memories because sometimes this can be painful for people who are gender confused.  Do not ask if they played with soldiers or dolls, or if their parents beat them. I know what sex I am and even I wouldn't answer those invasive questions.  
• Ask Probing Questions - These people are very private, so don't delve into what movie stars they like either male or female because chances are they might like both genders.  Remember they are asexual like a Hydra so their answers might leave you more confused then ever.

Buffalo Chip Breakfast? - How many times have you spoken to a customer or patient and their breath is so rancid you feel like throwing up?  For me this happens a lot.  Not just because there is quite a large percentage of the population who aren't aware of the odor suppressing qualities of breath mints, but some people eat food that doesn't agree with their gastrointestinal tract.  I find that this is a lot more common than the other awkward situations.   Here's some tips on how to deal with bad breath:

• Offer Gum - I carry gum with me at all times, and so I always offer them a piece.  Why?  Because gum is less offensive than offering a breath mint.  They might not think they have bad breath, so offering gum does not mean you are passing judgment on them.
• Breathe Through Your Mouth - I can remember one incident with a potential customer where the stench was so bad the other rep had to leave the room.  It was like sour milk was seeping from the walls of the room.  I had to start breathing slowing through my mouth to get through the call, and the rep excused himself to make a phone call.  When I left the room he said, "Dude I went in the bathroom and was dry heaving.  How did you make it through that call?"  I replied, "I'm a mouth breather", to which he nodded his agreement.  I wasn't sure if that was an insult but I took it as a compliment.

This is a just a few of the awkward situations we all run into during the course of a business day.  The trick to being a good rep is not let these little instances divert your attention from your ultimate goal: making the sale.

Have a great day selling!

-M

Why People Buy Your Product Or Service?

Traditionally when you read an analysis of the reasons why people buy, the focus generally is upon consumer goods, and retail sales.  Brand Managers will give you a much different answer as to why people buy retail items, than a sales "guru" claiming to know business to business sales.  The sales cycles are different, and the commitment can be much larger in business to business sales. By the way, I do not claim to be a sales "guru", I'm just a sales person.  One thing I've noticed about sales "experts" or sales "gurus" is they like to quote themselves a lot, and generally they are egotistical assholes.  I'm an asshole but not terribly egotistical...maybe marginally?

Regardless, this post is about business to business sales, and the reasons why people buy, however if you are in retail sales some of the ideas expressed might be applicable to the retail environment.  It all depends on how you want to use the information.  I came across an article in a business magazine and I have listed below the consensus reasons why people buy:

1. They like the Sales Person - Whoa!  What a surprise...not.  Of course that's the number one reason, otherwise they wouldn't even talk to you. Naturally they need to like you in order for you to sell your product or service. I wonder how much research people did to figure this one out.  Thank you to all the sales "geniuses" out there for pointing this one out: Mr./Mrs. Obvious.
2. They believe the product has value - Well that's another obvious reason.  Did they really do any research here?  I mean c'mon why else would you buy something if you didn't think it added value to your business or your life. The research for this article is very relevant but they didn't seem to be enlightening me too much.
3. They trust their sales person - Okay this is a big one.  First of all if they like you that's one thing but if they trust you that's a whole different "ballgame".  Lots of people I like but I trust no one, not even family; especially family.  So how do you build trust?  Here's a tip: don't lie to them!  Don't promise anything you can't deliver on, and don't make up some story to cover your ass.  Be Terribly Transparent.
4. They are trying to reduce costs - Not all people buy things based on price but costs is a major consideration, notably in today's economy.  Businesses are trying to pinch every penny and so the price or cost of a product can be very important.  It's important to note that people want to reduce costs but they also will not sacrifice quality.  In other words they want it cheap but with all the benefits. 
5. They believe the product or service will help their business - Well who the heck convinced them the product or service was better?  You did!  Great job Ms/Mr./Mrs. Sales Rep!  The products/services don't sell themselves so someone had to go in their and differentiate themselves and convinced the buyer they were different.  Again nothing new here, but more of the obvious.

From this article I got a definite understanding that the sales person plays a distinct role in all of these reasons, why people or businesses, buy a product or service.  And yet businesses are trying to reduce staff and bring people in house to make sales.  Why?  They're fucking cheap that's why.  Anything to save a dollar, but in the long run it just ends up costing the company sales revenue.  A telemarketer is a great resource but nothing beats "feet on the street".  With the age of sales 2.0 computer nerds will try to convince businesses that there is no need for a sales person...wrong. How is a telemarketer going to do an in service with a doctor or show a person how to use a product over the phone?  Sales 2.0 can work in some cases but I'll take a sales person any day of the week over a person on the phone.  After all, you can't believe everything you hear, especially on the Internet.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rmx4twCK3_I

Have a great day selling!

-M