I know this post will have nothing to do with sales, but perhaps you'll enjoy reading it anyway. I'm sure that many of you who have kids, dogs, or are just out in public and have experienced the unwanted input from some person who seems to know everything. And I mean EVERYTHING! It's annoying, and it's completely unwarranted. If you're not hurting anybody, or interfering with their daily routine, then why can't people just mind their own business?
I find it almost sad that people offer free advice on how to raise your kids, or train your dog, but if you were being mugged on the street they might feel more compelled to start filming the incident rather than getting involved and trying to help you. We are a nation of voyeurs not participants.
Regardless, I have listed a few notable quotes which we've all heard and some very good responses that will leave the recipient dumbfounded.
"You should really train your dog to walk properly" - I hear this advice all the time from women and men who have seemingly well behaved dogs and want to offer to "help" me out as a dog owner. My responses to this bit of unwanted advice are as follows:
"I'm putting her down after this walk but she doesn't know it."
"Normally I let her off leash, but she killed a dog that looked a lot like yours, just last week."
"Don't say that too loudly she understands everything we say and she bites people all the time."
"This isn't my dog. I stole it from some homeless guy down the street."
" Oh this is the proper way to walk a dog where I come from. What the hell is wrong with your dog?"
" Is your dog always that hyper?" - I'm always amazed by this question because my dog is always excited to see people, other dogs, cats, anything that moves. She likes to interact with everyone and everything, but this makes other dog owners nervous.
"No, but I put coffee in her food bowl this morning so she'd be extra excited."
"Only since she started doing cocaine."
"Wouldn't you be this excited if you just ate chocolate for the first time?"
" She's just in pain because I cut her nails to close to the vein. There was blood everywhere."
"Your dog seems aggressive you should send her to obedience school?" - I hear this on occasion and it's usually people who own a smaller dog. My dog is not very big, just 40 pounds, so small dogs are scared but just not scared enough to resist taking a nip at her. She likes to swat them with her paw at that point, which upsets the owners.
"Oh I did send her to school. You should have seen her before, she would have killed your dog by now."
"Oh this is tame, wait til I let her off leash."
"I did send her to obedience school but she bit all the dogs in her class. She's really friendly now though. Let's she how they play together."
"She's just mad because I kicked her really hard a few minutes ago ."
I've noticed that the same helpful people will offer advice on how to raise not only your dog, but also your child. Can't these people keep their big mouths closed? Not only do they crossover, they do so with the same annoying consistency. Here's one you probably here that applies to both dogs and kids.
"Your boy/girl needs to play nice." - I never understood what this meant but I hear it all the time. It could pertain to kids or dogs. "Play nice Jeremy" or "Play nice Marley". It doesn't matter what you say some kids or dogs play differently, and so when someone says this to me, my response is always different.
"What is your definition of nice?"
"He/she is playing nice, your kid's just kinda wimpy. Have you ever seen those movies?"
"Do you think I should beat him/her. Maybe they'll play nice then."
"Her/his uncle taught her/him to play that way. I had nothing to do with it."
"That's not my kid. I thought it was your kid. Hey where is my kid anyway?"
"Could You Get Control Of Your Kids?!" - Sometimes children are just having fun and don't realize how loud and disruptive they are to other people. This question or rather statement usually comes from people who don't have children or people who have kids but treat them like junior military officers...or sometimes people who actually are pissed off at you and your kids. Oh well...
"I could get control of them, but where's the fun in that?"
"I'm just letting them play before I put them to sleep...forever.", a big belly laugh should follow this.
"This is controlled. You should see them at home. Wanna come over some time and help me?"
" Sorry, they just got out of rehab. Lindsay Lohan was there. Wanna see a pic?"
" These aren't my kids, they're my facebook friends."
"Are Your Kids Always Like This?" - I can see the face of the person asking this question right now. It is sour, and with a slight frown, and shows they are ashamed for you and your children. It's important for your children to be polite and well behaved but let's face it, sometimes that doesn't happen.
"No. I just gave them a bunch of candy and coffee. Why? Is that wrong?"
"Yes. You should try living with them? Wanna swap?"
" No. Ever since the accident they've been acting this way. The doctor said it was brain damage."
" Yes! Aren't they great! I'm so proud of them for being a bunch of little a-holes. Thanks for noticing"
" These are my foster children. I think they come from a long line of crackheads. Sorry."
Remember, these lines actually will work to disrupt the person "butting in", and to keep you laughing. The responses are not meant to be mean or vindictive but just to enjoy the moment, and keep you smiling and them confused.
Have a great day!
-M
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