Road Rage...Yeah We All Feel It

I'm certain that those of you who drive may have seen someone saluting you, like the young woman in the picture above, but my question is, "Did you deserve it?"  And guess what, I know what your answer will be..."Hello no! That bitch cut me off!"

As more and more  people are on the roads, there are a lot of lousy drivers, or should I define them as "shitty" drivers.  Because when they're on the road, they scare the shit out of me.  As a sales rep, I am on the road all the time, and I have listed here a profile of some of the scariest people you and I encounter during the course of our day.  Whether it be commuting to and from your job, or driving from appointment to appointment. 

Larry The Lane Changer - I'm sure that if you're driving on the freeway, the thruway, or even in any major city you encounter Larry all the time.  He seems to be under the impression that he can save at least 30 seconds off his day if he just keeps changing lanes all the time.  He never signals his change, but instead he comes darting over from like two lanes and without a signal.  Larry changes lanes more than Lady Gaga changes outfits during a show.

In a study conducted by the University of Toronto changing lanes on the highway saves a person up to a total of 4 minutes for a 80 minute drive with little traffic, and for people driving on a congested street or freeway they found no discernible evidence that the driver saved time.  In fact, most of them lost time by changing lanes frequently. However they did find that these people are more likely to cause an accident through improper lane changes.

Cell Phone Cecilia - What year is it?  Oh right 2013.  So why the hell are there still idiots driving with a cell phone at their ear?  Cell Phone Cecilia, or Cedric, is still rampant even in states where it is illegal to drive while using a hand held cell phone.  WTF people!  With all new cars being equipped with blue tooth technology why the heck is anyone holding a cell phone while driving?  I admit that I hate the sound quality of the blue tooth in my car while driving, but unless I'm driving a 1971 Gran Torino and Clint Eastwood is calling me, there is no need for me to ever put a cell phone to my ear while driving.

If you are out there Cecilia, and you don't have Bluetooth technology, then wrap a thick rubber band around your head with your cell phone attached and this will solve your problem.  Feel free to follow the guidelines from this picture.

New Kids On Your Ass - I drive probably 2,500-5,000 miles per month and lately I've seen a lot of younger drivers tail gating.  If you are younger and you don't know what that means, then you might have a problem. The recommended following distance for a vehicle traveling 55 mph is not two car lengths as we all seem to think.  It's 243 feet!  I too am guilty of following closer than 243 feet at times in heavy traffic because in Southern California it's all heavy traffic.  However, I see people that look like they just got out of school who are riding the ass off some little old lady on the freeway, and scaring the crap out of her.   And they aren't following 2 or 3 car lengths behind they are practically touching bumpers.

"Hey kiddies, we're not at Speed Zone anymore, a crash has consequences! So drop the Slurpee and back the fuck off."

If these tail gating youngsters took any Driver Ed courses they must have just had a driving instructor named "Ed", because they didn't receive any education. NASCAR's newest crop of drivers are coming to a roadway near you...BEWARE.

Texting Tony or Tina - Don't even try to kid yourself.  Everyone out there is guilty at some point of texting while driving.  Despite the fact that it's illegal in most states.  I've done it and still do on occasion when at a stop sign or light when I know I'm in for a long wait.  Why?  I thought about this the other day, why do I need instant information, or why was it so important for me to respond?  There is no reason other than it's become a habit.  However, I was almost rear ended the other day, so even texting at intersections needs to stop.  Personally I don't care if you text while stopped, it's the guy or girl who is holding up their cell phone and texting while on the freeway that are scary. 

The other day while driving I saw a dude holding a cell phone in each hand,  trying to text, with his hand on the wheel and he was driving a cab! Thankfully no one was in the back seat but how could he possibly focus on the road?  What was so fucking important he had to text with TWO PHONES?!  Was he lonely and texting himself?  Maybe he invited himself out to dinner?  I hope he wasn't using emoticons, because that's just sad...:(

Make Up Mary/Marty - Traveling on the 105 freeway a few months back a car came over two lanes of traffic and almost hit me in the far left hand lane.  Fortunately I saw the erratic driving behavior and sped up to avoid a collision.  The car settled in behind me, and I looked in the rear view, thinking what any normal driver would think:

"Who is the fucking asshole behind me who almost crashed in to me?  I need to see this idiot."

It was a young lady looking in her rear view mirror and applying make up while she was driving.  Apparently, our near death accident hadn't affected her driving habits one bit, because she continued to curl her eyelids, and apply lipstick rather liberally at 70 miles per hour.  My first thought was,
"That red lipstick clashes with her complexion.  Not a good choice.", and then my second thought was, "Is it that important that you look good if you're dead?"  Apparently it was to her.

Now this is not reserved to women because I also say a young metro sexual man checking his eyebrows and applying lotion to his face while driving on the 101 freeway as well.   We weren't traveling fast maybe 40-50 miles per hour, but his face was plastered to his mirror and he was checking himself out all while trying to drive.  The only reason I noticed was because he drifted into someones lane and then honked at his car.

Vanity is a dangerous thing...


There are plenty of poor drivers out there on the road, so be afraid....be very afraid.

-M

America Lacks Talent...But We Never Lack Confidence.

Today I came home to hear my next door neighbors belting out all kinds of horrible acoustic songs.  Yes that's right! "Neighbors" as in multiple persons singing.  My question is why? Are they just so full of life that they need to expose me to terrible harmonies and bad guitar playing?  Are they forming a skiffle band?  Or are they attempting to drive the other neighbors away with acoustic versions of Justin Bieber songs?  Right again! They were playing Justin Bieber songs.

 "Baby baby baby oooohhh like baby baby baby". Imagine hearing that at 2 am in the morning, and you don't live in Calabasas California next to the Biebs.

I tried to figure out why would they be so hard pressed to make themselves heard, and then it dawned upon me that parents today encourage their children to follow their dreams, even when they lack talent.  In fact, I think they push their kids to chase dreams, despite the fact that their kids obviously have no ability.  Why?  Because even if you lack talent, you can still become famous.  It's all about confidence.  So these young adults, ruining my days and nights with awful crooning,  had been the by products of nurturing parents who told them that they should never give up their dreams, regardless of whether they have the ability to make those dreams a reality.  I'm not sure whether that is kind, or cruel.  Because later on when some not so nice people like Simon Cowell tells them "you suck", their dreams will be smashed.  Or will the lessons of myopia learned from their parents convince them to keep pursuing their dreams despite their inability to sing in harmony? I don't really care, I just wished they'd stop singing and ruining my weekend.  It sounds like someone is squeezing the air out of a bunch of cats.

Yet America has a history of people who lack talent but have an over abundance of confidence. So let's take a look at some people not so talented who became famous. And please remember we're all special...

#3 William Hung - In Wikipedia William Hung is listed as ""an American singer" which is the first time I ever really questioned the integrity of facts on Wikipedia.  Hung did sing, but very, very, badly and in fact so badly, that it made him famous.  If you were watching the show "American Idol" in 2004 you may have caught a glimpse of Hung's rendition of the famous Ricky Martin tune, "She Bangs". Click on the link below if you feel the need to relive the experience.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hVo0uMqRBQM

   As a result of this rather ridiculously poor performance, Hung became famous and even dropped out of school to pursue his "music" career.  Why?  Who gave this person the idea that he was good?  And moreover, why would people encourage him?  Well, they did and he was famous for a short period of time, but he is now a crime analyst for the Los Angeles County Sherriff's Department.  Interestingly enough, the LA County Sherriff's Department probably should have arrested the producers of "American Idol" right after Hung's performance because allowing that to be aired was a crime. 

#2 Kate Gosselin - I first heard of Kate when a few of my friends mentioned that they LOVED the reality show "John and Kate Plus 8". I wasn't sure of the interest I would find in watching two overly self indulgent parents trying to raise eight children.  In fact, it wasn't interesting to me, not even remotely.  It seems that both of the parents were having a difficult time raising eight children and still feeling affectionate towards each other, but after watching the show I realized why they were having a hard time...their only talent was self interest.   They were both obsessed not with their kids but with themselves and unfortunately their kids were after thoughts in a bad marriage.  This made for good television because there was constant turmoil on the show. 

Another reason they seem to be struggling with raising 8 children is because THEY WERE RAISING 8 CHILDREN!  How can anyone, even a selfless martyr raise 8 children and still maintain their sanity.  Kate for her part did her best, but apparently her best just wasn't good enough and so her and Jon got a divorce and Kate was supposed to carry the show on her own.  Failure!

You see the problem with wanting to be famous for something other than having children is that once the kids start to grow up and once the producers perceive you as boring, than the show is over.  Kate was boring, had no talent, and her daily life wasn't even partially interesting.  If her kids hadn't been so damn cute the show wouldn't have lasted the 2 years that it did.  So "Kate Plus 8" was cancelled in 2009.

Once the show was cancelled, what was a mother of eight with an enlarged uterus supposed to do?   Well, what every talent less person does.  Find a co-author and write a book.  Which she did, and she sold quite a few books.  I don't know if anyone read the books but she sold a lot of them.  But again her talent waned and her fifteen minutes of fame ended.  It was a good run for someone who's only real accomplishment was having a litter of children.

#1 Rudy Ruettiger - I don't know how many of you are familiar with the film "Rudy", but it is truly an inspirational story.  It brings grown men to tears, and even some women cry when they watch it, but it's rare.  It follows the "true" story of Daniel "Rudy" Ruettiger, who's dream was to attend Notre Dame University, and play football for the Fighting Irish.  Rudy chases his dream throughout the movie and in the end he gets in for one play during the season.  Below is the triumphant scene in the movie when Rudy is finally put into the last game of his senior season for the Irish, after spending years on the practice squad.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZI63g64kDgY

I almost cry every time I watch that scene knowing the truth about "Rudy".

The real story is that Rudy was an annoying bastard who pushed his story onto Hollywood, and who made up a lot of the stuff that's in the movie.  Unfortunately, no one ever sheds light on this fact because the movie is so good, and is truly inspirational.  The fans did not chant to put him in the game and the team didn't demand that he play, and he didn't have a bunch of people on the team who even liked him. Why?  He was a nobody, and famous players on that Notre Dame team like Joe Montana barely remember his existence.  It seems Rudy was a legend in his own mind.

However, do keep in mind Rudy was an overweight loser with very little talent, and a lot of determination which led him to his goal.  He graduated from Notre Dame, he got to play football, and he became famous as a result.  Not bad for an persistent little son of a bitch from Indiana.

The tragedy is that he parlayed that fame into a money swindling scheme and ended up being indicted for fraud by the SEC.   Maybe a little too much confidence and not enough common sense. 


All these "success" stories tell us is that despite lacking talent, even the worst of us can realize our dreams.  We may end up in jail later, but it's possible that with a lot of confidence and no recognizable talent we can become a celebrity.  I still don't know if that's good or bad, considering that people like Kate Gosselin still have paparazzi following them around for no reason.  I guess to surmise,  if you have talent chase your dream, but if you don't, please give it up so the rest of us can sleep.

Have a great day!

-M