Are Toddlers Just Drunks?

We've all seen it before, a toddler stumbling around the living room, holding out their hand to brace themselves.  Barely able to walk, mumbling to themselves, and swearing in some indiscernible language.  They wave their hands around and laugh at themselves, all signs of some form of intoxication, but we ignore the early warning signs.  We say things like:
" Oh isn't that cute!"
" He's trying to talk, look at him moving his little lips."
" She'll be walking in no time, look at her."

We are all just blind to the fact that besides being cute, these children are just plain drunks.  I don't know what the kid is drinking in the picture above, but it isn't milk.  Perhaps a White Russian? I understand that here in the United States there is a problem with binge drinking and it might all stem from the fact that toddlers seem intoxicated most of the time.  However, we try to ignore all the obvious warning signs:

1. Exhibit Incoherent Speech - Like most of the scenes from the show "Cops", infants and toddlers display a definite pattern of slurred speech, or in some cases no speech at all.  I understand that their grasp of the human language is not fully formed at this point, but they could at least blurt out a "mom" or "da da ". However like most drunks I know, they just babble and spit bubbles.
2. Unable To Walk A Straight Line - It's sad when you see people on the side of the road struggling to pass a drunk test, but look at your kids every once in a while and you will see the same sort of stumbling, bumbling drunkenness.  Thank god they're not old enough to drive yet, because that would be a nightmare.  They're legs are wobbly they struggle to stay balanced, and in some cases they fall down fairly hard, and even right on their little faces. 
3. Prone To Fits Of Rage - Like all drunks, toddlers have a tendency towards acts of violence.  I watched one night in horror as my friend's little girl ceaselessly batted the head of my poor dog until the dog was nearly unconscious.  It was a terrible scene with the child smiling the entire time as it viciously brought its fists down upon the poor little pup.  I finally had to step in and move the dog away before it was knocked senseless and suffered brain damage.  It was terrifying! 
4. Fall Asleep Anywhere In Any Position - I have seen so many drunk people fall asleep in their food. In fact, I myself have fallen asleep while leaning over a plate of food at a Denny's. However kids take this drunken sleepiness to an entirely new level.  I have seen them with food in their tiny hands, fall over onto the floor and sleep like they've been shot from behind.  I have seen children with their heads stuck between bars in a crib, asleep from the drunken debauchery of the night prior.
5. Urinate On Themselves Or Others - I can remember when a drunk guy tried to pee on me when I was out partying one night, and I can remember many times seeing a child try peeing on another one, supposedly by accident.  It's all a ruse.  They have little bladder control just like their older brethren, and so it's socially acceptable for them to pee on everyone and everything.  I say "nay tiny tinklers, do no spread your urine on me.

There are a great many other traits which, if you are observant, you will see toddlers or need I say drunks exhibiting on a daily basis. You may not foresee this as a problem, but I say parents lock up your liquor cabinets and don't give your kids the opportunity to start early on this terrible vice.

Have a great weekend!

-M