Bullying Is Not Just For Football Players And Children

In light of the recent events involving the Miami Dolphins and the controversy in their locker room, bullying has become a hot topic.  Parents have been complaining about bullies for years, but now that these types of tactics have crossed over to the workplace, the media has only shed more light on the issue. However, people have to keep in mind that this kind of behavior takes place not only in school yards, on buses, or in locker rooms.  It's a pretty prevalent part of many work place environments.

Bosses consistently bully their employees to "motivate" them, which is almost comical.  I have never felt motivated when my boss threatened me with my job.  In fact, there were times when I thought to myself, "this is fucked up being threatened everyday with unemployment."  I can remember one boss that told me, "You'll do everything I say or you won't have a job at the end of the day."  Being young and ignorant, I believed him, but as I got older I realized people like him were just full of shit.  They couldn't actually fire me unless I did someone grossly unethical, like stealing, or leaving feces on his desk.  Believe it or not I do know someone who did leave a "present" on his boss' desk, and no one could prove it was him who had perpetrated the crime, so he wasn't fired.  I was amazed at this for two reasons.  Number one, he actually climbed up on the desk and took a dump, and number two...he actually climbed up on the desk and took a dump!    Outside of the show "Jackass", I didn't think people actually did that kind of sh..stuff.

In any case, whenever I have encountered a boss who was a bully, I immediately began searching for another job and then quit the position, and probably so did the person after me, and the person after that person, and so on. Bullies are simply assholes, and most people don't want to work for an asshole. Unless of course you're a masochist and in that case you should read "50 Shades Of Grey" which is an entirely different story than this one.  Literally.

So why does this problem persist everywhere despite our best efforts to rid ourselves of bullies.  Why?  Because it's in some people's nature to be a bully.  They feel inadequate, even though they might be in a career position and so they use intimidation and threats to create a workplace of fear for their employees or coworkers.  In order for them to feel adequate or to accomplish anything they must rely on others for success and so they use techniques such as alienation, disaffection, and even isolation.  Bullying occurs so much in the work place that there are entire websites devoted to work place bullies and how these types of individuals are counter productive to the health of any organization. There is even a website named the Workplace Bullying Institute. It focuses on the education and prevention of bullying in the workplace.  They offer advice to individuals and employers on what to do in the invent there is bullying going on within their organization. 

Here are some signs from them that you are being bullied courtesy of the WBI (all WBI recommendations are in italics and our recommended responses are in red): http://www.workplacebullying.org/individuals/problem/early-signs/

Experiences At Work

• You attempt the obviously impossible task of doing a new job without training or time to learn new skills, but that work is never good enough for the boss.
• RESPONSE: Do mediocre work for your bully and then advise them it's the "the best work I've ever done". 
• Surprise meetings are called by your boss with no results other than further humiliation
• RESPONSE: Attend all meetings with your boss while wearing an African tribal mask.
• Everything your tormenter does to you is arbitrary and capricious, working a personal agenda that undermines the employer's legitimate business interests
• RESPONSE: Create your own personal agenda and document every capricious little thing the bastard does to torment you.
• Others at work have been told to stop working, talking, or socializing with you
• RESPONSE: Advise others at work that your bully has terrible body odor and this is why you were told to not socialize for fear you would reveal this tidbit of information.
• You are constantly feeling agitated and anxious, experiencing a sense of doom, waiting for bad things to happen
• RESPONSE: Start drinking in the afternoon or at breaks to ease your tension.
• No matter what you do, you are never left alone to do your job without interference
• RESPONSE: Make up a story that you were at a gun range and became mildly deaf in both ears and can't hear a thing your tormenter is saying.  Then remind him/her that you learned how to shoot several different types of guns in the last week.
• People feel justified screaming or yelling at you in front of others, but you are punished if you scream back
• RESPONSE: Don't scream back but leave post it notes on your desk reminding you to skin dead animal carcasses after work, and little notes like "Learn how to kill without guilt." This will scare the shit out of the bully.
• HR tells you that your harassment isn't illegal, that you have to "work it out between yourselves"
• RESPONSE: Advise HR that you tried to work it out but the bully kept advising that the best way to resolve the issue was sexually.  This is sure to get them fired.
• You finally, firmly confront your tormentor to stop the abusive conduct and you are accused of harassment
• RESPONSE:  Explain to HR that you only responded in kind when you refused to have sex with your tormenter.
• You are shocked when accused of incompetence, despite a history of objective excellence, typically by someone who cannot do your job
• RESPONSE: Learn to ignore the accusations, start looking for another job, and draw crude and horrible pictures, depicting someone murdering your bully.
• Everyone -- co-workers, senior bosses, HR -- agrees (in person and orally) that your tormentor is a jerk, but there is nothing they will do about it (and later, when you ask for their support, they deny having agreed with you)
• RESPONSE: Trust no one and make quiet comments to yourself about how you're going to burn down the building.
• Your request to transfer to an open position under another boss is mysteriously denied
• RESPONSE: Find out where your bully lives and leave threatening notes in their mailbox from "The Cleaner".

Please keep in mind I am not making light of the situation with regards to bullying. The responses are intended to be funny and absurd.  If you are being bullied at work, my suggestion is that you document every incident and try to remain objective about the entire situation.  If you let emotions get involved then that will just make the situation worse. When you have accumulated enough information to build a case against your tormenter, then report the incidents to HR and request that they investigate the matter objectively.  This will make you seem very professional and the bully will look like an idiot. Either way, don't let the situation fester or it will only get worse.  Keep calm and carry on.

Have a great day!

-M