8 Unique Ways To Say "I Quit"

Copyright: / 123RF Stock Photo

According to a Gallup poll of 1 million Americans, the number one reason people leave their job is  because of a poor relationship with their immediate supervisor.

I know that all of us working in and around the corporate world get frustrated with our boss at times, and we just want to say "screw this", and walk out the door. Or in today's world of telecommuting to walk out our front door and scream, "I quit!!!"  But that is soooooo booooring.  Don't you want to leave a dent in the universe or rather a dent in your boss's psyche?   I'm not talking about just burning bridges here, I'm asking you to blow the bridge to bits.   If you're so unhappy with your job and the company, and you know you're never going to ask for a reference or want to work with them again, then why not make your decision to leave more memorable? 

Yes, I know every human resource professional will advise you not to ruin your relationship for fear of reprisal. But wasn't it your boss who undermined the relationship in the first place?  Isn't it your company's fault for tolerating a lousy boss, and the onus is on them to make amends.  I would say that because of the horrible way you've been treated it is not only your right, but your duty to make your last day(s) memorable.  Remember, it's in your best interest to keep things interesting, but legal.  In any case, here are a few different ways to say "I quit", which will leave your boss scratching his or her head, and a permanent imprint on their brain.

"I've been hearing voices..." - Nothing scares people or bosses more than an employee who may or may not be crazy.  It's terrifying because your boss never really knows what you are capable of, especially nowadays.  I prefer to add this sentence as well, and be sure to whisper it as if the voices will hear you, "The voices are telling me to quit...and that you are a jerk."

"Here's my resignation, and check out my YouTube video about you...it went viral" - Quitting your job is one thing, but shaming your supervisor on YouTube seems to be pretty common place nowadays.  I'm not so sure you need to follow through with actually making a video, and in fact I would recommend against it, but it certainly will get your boss thinking about the crappy way he treated you all those years.  Just tell him if he wants to see it you'll email the link...

"I'm leaving this job to become an assassin" - You can have fun with this one by explaining how you have been a gun aficionado for years, and that you're finally fulfilling your dream of becoming an assassin.  Don't go into too much detail, but add that there are plenty of jobs for mercenaries. Too put the icing on this scary resignation cake,  you might want to add, "I'll be thinking of you as I work at my new job."

"Here's my resignation, and here's the letter I sent to our CEO." - If you're a good employee, a valuable employee, then a well crafted letter to the CEO will scare the crap out of your boss.  Why should you allow a bad boss to continue to work and ruin the life of your coworkers? It's important that you save them from the same horrible treatment you received.

I'm resigning to participate in a study on workplace harassment..." - Your boss will be shocked and surprised when you drop this little bomb on him/her.  Again, the whole idea is to not say too much, and if they schedule an exit interview just answer each question with, "I would like to tell you more but I don't have security clearance at this time."

"I wrote a sitcom about my job that was picked up.." - Nothing slaps somebody in the face like a person that has success in the entertainment industry.  People envision you'll be famous and wealthy, and your boss will certainly be jealous.  He may even ask if a character is based on him, but be sure to keep your answers vague. " I can't really say.  I know the boss is a real a-hole, but any similarity to actual persons is purely coincidental."

"I published my book about bad bosses..." - This may or may not be true, but what do you care?  You don't have to tell your boss anything when you quit your job, so why not let him think he's the subject of a book?  And even better, that he's the subject of a book about lousy bosses.  Be sure never to mention the title of the book, and that you published it under a pen name and not your real name.  It will drive him crazy!

"I'm going to work for the government..." - Again, you don't have to delve into too much detail about this career change, when handing in your resignation.   In fact, it's better to be mysterious about what department of the government you will be working in.  When your boss asks give him the standard answer, "I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.  Let's just keep this parting amicable."

Understand that your company and your boss cannot say anything about the manner in which you resigned or the reasons for your leaving.  It is against the law to share that information so everything you do is confidential.   They can only share the date you started and the date you left, and if they share more, you can take them to court.

So please, please, don't make a stupid YouTube video to chronicle your last days, because then your actions will be public and subject to scrutiny by everyone, including potential new employers or new customers if you are going rogue.  You may be an Internet superstar one minute and a lovable loser with no prospects for employment the next ten years. 

Please keep in mind that these are humorous suggestions on how to quit your job, but the onus is on you should you decide to try one of them. 

Goodbye and good luck...

Big Data And Sales: Only One Number Matters

Copyright: / 123RF Stock Photo


Big data seems to be a catch phrase for the last 5 years, and frankly it is really not a new concept.  People have been studying economic and industry data since the early part of the 20 century.  Anyone who has studied statistics know that data is invaluable, so how is this phase different? I see and hear things about the wondrous world of big data.   How big data can influence your sales cycle, your sales results, your sales process, and even the choice of locations for your awards dinner.  Big data is now a key word in everything. So what does it mean?

I will offer a very simplified idea of the term "big data", since I am not an expert. As recently as 2012, the term big data was defined by Forbes contributor Edd Dumbill as the following:

“data that exceeds the processing capacity of conventional database systems. The data is too big, moves too fast, or doesn’t fit the strictures of your database architectures”.

It was a phrase coined way back in 1990's by John Mashey a scientist at Silicon Graphics International, who developed a presentation to discuss the merits of big data, and how it could impact all businesses.  With the advent of the internet, we now have access to a wealth of information, in fact too much information for our tiny minds to process, and this is where big data comes into play. With sophisticated computers we are able to process all of this information and explain business cycles, buying habits, and even consumer tendencies. And that's just the tip of the big data iceberg. Yet seriously how does big data affect you as a sales rep?  Well, it does and it also doesn't. Because despite the wealth of data in your CRM such as opportunities, campaigns, events, badges, dashboard, documents, evaluations, appointments, sales drivers, and leads, those numbers might mean a great deal to analysts, but very little to your superiors.  There really is only one number that matters to the people who run sales teams and that's how much revenue you bring to the company. That's it in a nutshell.   All the other numbers matter but not as significantly as that one number.  If you are hitting your revenue goals they love you and if you're not, you had better dust off your resume. 

So why is there so much emphasis on big data nowadays?  I studied economics and econometrics while in college and I thought it was fascinating how data could explain everything the buying habits of people in a Sudanese village to the most common boy names in an obscure region of Madagascar.  Big data really started with economics and has now transformed to become a tool for companies, governments, and unfortunately some criminals to target certain groups of consumers with campaigns designed to sell them products, or steal their money. And it is a wonderful tool, but for marketing and not necessarily for the sales reps.  As a rep your focus should only be on one number : your quota.  All the other numbers are irrelevant.  Hit your quota and I guarantee no one at corporate will care how many opportunities, events, evaluations, calls, appointments, or campaigns you have done.  Big data will help spearhead your company's marketing campaigns, but YOU have to close the sales. 

Now hold on a minute, I am not saying that you should ignore your CRM, and not fill it with information.  That would be idiotic.  You need a place to store your information in order to formulate a plan for success.  However, what I am saying is don't focus on all the little numbers and get bogged down in minutiae.  Despite all the data being collected, what you want to collect is sales commissions, therefore focus on your quota and the rest of the numbers will "take care of themselves".

Have a great day selling!