What's Wrong With Me?

Copyright: andreypopov / 123RF Stock Photo

My first job out of college, after a year,  I was fired.  I remember it vividly, because it left an emotional scar on me for the rest of my life. I felt like a complete loser, even though I was fired by the manager because our branch had been audited, she had done something against company policy, and then she had laid the blame on me. I didn't steal any money.  I didn't swindle our customers.  What I did was follow her order, and I held off returning a bounced check from a customer just to make our branch loan numbers and collection numbers look good. She told me it wasn't really wrong, but rather...untimely.

"If they audit us, tell them you left it in your brief case. We won't get into trouble for being absent minded."

She knew this was wrong, and I knew it was wrong, but I wanted to show her I was loyal.  And for my loyalty, she fired me.  The only real thing I had done wrong was trust in her. A common mistake by a new college graduate who assumed everyone in business will do the right thing.  WRONG!

The truth is everyone in business does try to do the right thing...the right thing for themselves, but not necessarily for everyone else. People will serve their own interest because this is what comes naturally.  When confronted with a choice between letting another person go, to save her own butt, she did the right thing...for her.  And she left me with a big professional and emotional scar which obviously I still have, since I'm writing about the incident years later. 

After being fired, I kept thinking, "what's wrong with me? Why did I listen to her when I knew damn well that what she was asking me to do was against policy?  Why did I let myself get pulled into her little scheme to fix the numbers for our branch in order to make her look good." Heck, I was an idealist at the time.  I should have turned her in to corporate immediately.  But I didn't.  Why?

Because what was wrong with me, what is still sometimes wrong with me, is that I acted out of fear.  I did what she asked, because I was afraid she would fire me if I didn't.  Although I protested a few times that I didn't think it was within policy guidelines, I still let her convince me to follow her plan.  I was afraid that I would get fired and yet I was still fired.  But what's even more interesting is that I didn't realize that I was acting out of fear.  I thought I was being loyal.  I wasn't.  I was being a wimp.

Fear is what was wrong with me, and is still wrong with me.  When I let fear influence any decision, I find that my judgment is not always sound.  It is clouded by thoughts of failure, loss, or pain.  Most of the worst business and personal decisions I have made were influenced by fear.  Here's just a few:

• I took a job I hated because I was worried that I wouldn't find a better one, and I would run through my savings.  That was two of the worst years of my life. 
• I stayed with a business partner too long because I was afraid I couldn't run the business on my own.  That partner embezzled money from the business and me.  The business went bankrupt.
• I sold a business that had a lot of potential only to realize later that I was afraid I would not get a sound return on my investment. I missed out on a big opportunity.
• I kept an employee around for too long because I was afraid she would sue the company, and in the end she sued us anyway.  But by then the rest of the staff was upset we hadn't acted earlier.
• I stayed in a relationship too long because I was afraid of being alone.  In the end, I ended up alone anyway.
• I was afraid to get married to someone because I didn't think she was the right person.  Instead, she went and found the person right for her and for years I regretted not marrying her.
• I took a long term lease for way too much money because it was a prime spot in Los Angeles and I was afraid the landlord would lease it to someone else.  That cut into my company's profits for years.

Fear has dictated a lot of my life decisions, but it doesn't have to dictate yours.  When you're faced with a tough decision, take a step back, be objective, and make the best decision even if it hurts.  The pain will be temporary, but your happiness may last a lifetime. 

There may be something wrong with me, but at least I know it's repairable. Have a great day!