Kill the Gatekeeper

As a salesperson you run into some of the most ignorant people on the planet. People that won't even take a meeting. My friends tell me, "Oh they just don't like salespeople. That's all. I don't like salespeople. I don't even know why I'm friends with you anyway."

Fair enough, so they don't like salespeople. What does that have to do with hearing a person out? All I want is to show them my product...am I that great of a salesperson that by some "magic" I will sell them something they don't want? Uh...no. No one is that good, and I repeat NO ONE. You can't sell what they don't want to buy, but on the other hand they can't buy something they've never seen or heard of, so this is a two way street. If you're not willing to see someone then you're just an idiot. That's like trying to by a car and going to just one dealer and looking at just one model. Is ignorance bliss? Or bullshit?

Last week, I was cold calling....yes cold calling; on a lead I received from a pretty reputable source. "Oh you need to go to this agency, they need you're products badly." , so my friend tells me. Meaning they're practicing medicine in the dark ages and get over there before they bleed another patient to death to remove the "bad spirits" from their bodies. I laughed as I headed into the agency and it seemed like it was pretty well kept. I was surprised because usually the appearance of a place can tell you how well they take care of their patients. Usually...but not in this case.

I walked in and introduce myself but did not mention I had been referred to them. I checked my reports and notice that they even had made a few purchases in the last month. So I anticipated this might be a "warm call". I was wrong.

"Hi I'm M. I represent _____________. You're a customer of ours and I was wondering if I could either speak to the Director of Nursing or maybe just get a card to make an appointment.", I handed the young man behind the desk my card.

He seemed terribly annoyed by the intrusion. "You can't see her without an appointment sorry. It's best to CALL ahead of time." And he stressed the word call.

"Is the Director of Nursing here today?", I asked, hoping that she might have a little break in her day to chat for a few minutes.

" Uh yeah. But like I said, it's best to CALL ahead of time for an appointment.", he said again and handed me back my card.

" Yeah I get that I need to CALL ahead of time but someone referred me this agency and advised that I speak directly to the nursing director. So can I get a card to make a phone call so I can make an appointment or is she available now. If she's available now that would be great"

Now he was really annoyed. I guess I had interrupted his "me time" with People Magazine or Facebook. He held out his hand. "Can I have your card back?" I handed him the card and he took it, stood up from behind the desk and walked towards an office with a large window.

Now this is the part that annoys me about being in sales. People always look at you from their offices like you're a rabid dog, or a criminal who's on the loose. Like meeting with you, might place them at risk for rabies or an abduction. It's funny but I don't understand why people aren't more considerate. It's strange, but then again, I hate when people knock on my door selling Christmas wreathes, so I guess it's understandable. I just don't like the way they look at you. So here I am standing in this lobby, being ogled by the Director of Nursing and the "GateKeeper", and I look away trying to be polite. I look at the coffee table full of "OK" magazines and wait for him to come back. It takes a few minutes, and I hear them talking, and finally he returns and hands me back my card.

"She said we don't need any at this time. Thank you.", he said with a forced smile.

I was in shock. I thought for sure she would at least give me her card.

"What? She said we don't need any at this time? I'm sorry what does that mean? I'm not selling cologne door to door or Disney knock off products. These are medical products. "

"I dunno what to tell you. She said she didn't need any. That's what she said.", and I think he snickered a bit.

"Well can I just call her to make an appointment since she doesn't even know what it is she doesn't need?"

"We don't give out that information. SORRY.", he said and then smiled. Not a pleasant or even a fake smile, but the smart ass smile that means "screw you". And at that moment, I knew that I was not gonna take any crap from this little prick.

"I'm sorry. If you don't hand out cards and don't give out information, how does someone CALL ahead to make an appointment to do business with the agency. I'm confused. Is it magic?"

"Yeah I'm not sure exactly. Maybe just leave me some information and I'll give it her and she'll give you a call."

"Oh no problem. Here is a clinical study of how our products improved outcomes in over 1100 patients, and here's my card. Explain to her that I was a referral from Dr. Mengele and he thinks we can help your patients.", now I was completely annoyed, and ready to burn this bridge.

"Okay, no need to get irritated. I'll give her the information. And which doctor recommended your company?", he said, visibly flustered by my attitude, and even more confused that I referred to a doctor.

"Dr. Josef Mengele. I'm not sure he's worked with this agency before. If you could please pass that message along. Thanks.", I said very distinctly and then walked out. As I stood in the hallway waiting for the elevator I said out loud:

"God I've always wanted to do that!"

I wasn't thinking of the repercussions, or the call my boss was about to get in the next couple of hours. I was just happy that I didn't take any shit from that little bastard. Ah....rude.

Have a great day out there!

-M

May I Taser You Please?!

Have you ever been in a conversation or presentation, and the person your directing all your energy towards is ignoring you?! As a rep, we can be spit on, yelled at, threatened physically, and even beaten, but WE DO NOT LIKE TO BE IGNORED. It's just rude! Hey we're people too.

Today, I was with a potential customer and he was too busy looking at his computer to answer any of my questions with enthusiasm. I think I was putting him to sleep, which normally is the affect I have on people. But this guy would stare at his computer the whole time, and he wasn't listening to a word I was saying. The needs analysis, rapport building, and Q&A went something like this:

Me: This is quite an amazing facility you have here. How long have you been working for ___________(insert company name here)?

Sleeping Beauty: Huh? How long have I what? (Typing away on his computer)

Me: How long have you worked here?

Sleeping Beauty: Oh, me? About ten years.

Me: Really? That's a long time. What drew you to this line of work? Was it something you always wanted to do?

Sleeping Beauty: Huh? Oh me. A friend brought me in one day and I liked it. What does this have to do with your products? (Still looking at his screen and typing)

Me: I'm just trying to get a sense of who you are and what you're looking for in a company, out products are really irrelevent. We want to establish a business partnership with you and _________.

Sleeping Beauty: What? Can you repeat what you just said? (Not even looking at me now)

Me: I said we'd like to establish a business partnership with your company first. We know our products work, but we want to work with you.

Sleeping Beauty: Oh yeah right, right. I got ya.

He was so engrossed in what he was doing, he was now leaning closer to his monitor and typing furiously. I knew that he was not listening to a word I was saying at this point.

Me: Do you mind if I tasered you now?

Sleeping Beauty: Huh. If you what now? (unaware of what I just said)

Me: Do you mind if I tapered this conversation. Maybe we can meet at a time that's more convenient for you.

Sleeping Beauty: Uh what? Why would you want to tape the conversation? That's strange. (Still not looking at me, but too busy updating his FaceBook profile).

Me: No I said tapered. In other words cut it short and rescheduled.

Sleeping Beauty: What? What? Why?

Me: To be honest, I think I'm boring you, and it would be better if I came back when you have more time.

Sleeping Beauty: What? Okay sure, sure. You're not boring me. Sorry I just have to get this done now and I don't have any time. I really was listening.

Me: Oh no. I completely understand, and thanks for your time. How bout we do this again next week on the same day in the morning. Like 9 am?

Sleeping Beauty: Huh? Yeah that works. Sorry again, but we'll get into it next time. (Shaking my hand but barely looking away from his computer monitor)

Me: Thanks.

I shook his hand and left, but I would like to have shaken his whole body! I hate when people meet with you but your eyes never meet. If they don't have time, I wish they'd just tell me. So if someone is ignoring you, just throw something out there. What do you have to lose? You don't even have their attention! Say something to make them sit up and listen....or taser them, whichever works.

Have a great day selling!

-M

Are you getting this?

When you're selling a product like cars, bikes, shoes, clothes, and hats, everyone has an idea of what your product is and what it does for them. A car gives them status, or gets them simply from one place to the other. Clothes can give them a good feeling about how they look, or clothes can be a status symbol too. These products and their benefits are easy to understand.

Medical products however is a whole different story. They're are times when I think I'm speaking Greek to these people. Even the doctors! (No wonder there are so many medical malpractice lawsuits).I was speaking to a group of nurses and one doctor today, and I was asking them basic questions about how to treat certain conditions. Then I asked them if they understood the basic cellular functions of a certain organ and they looked at me with blank stares.

You know the kind of stare you have when you're in a store trying to pick out something to drink and there's 200 different options on the shelf and that's just for energy drinks. So you kinda just stare at the overwhelming choices and think, "What happened to just Coke, 7-Up and Pepsi? And do I really need beer with caffeine in it. WTF?"

When I tossed out a couple of advance terms again they stared blankly: so finally I just said,

"Are any of you getting what I'm talking about? There's nothing wrong with that, but would you like me to go through the basic stuff first so it's easier to understand how the product works?" They looked around at each other, and finally the doctor said,

"Yes, yes why don't you go over it so you can refresh our memories. I understand it perfectly but not everyone does I'm sure"

He was so full of it. He looked as dumbfounded as the rest of them. Mind you ,this was a doctor that when using one of my products sewed it into the patient thinking it would work better that way, even though I had helped him place the product about 10 times or more.

"Certainly doctor. I'll give all of you some refreshers on the basics of this type of care. Then I'll explain just how our products work on the cellular level. "

So I guess the lesson here for me was that not everyone knows what you're talking about when you're selling certain products. And it doesn't hurt to go back and "refresh" their memories of the basics. In fact, it can erase any bad influences they've received from your competitors!

Be sure you know your audience and cater to their needs. Have a great day selling!

-M

Are you serious?

I've heard that women sales reps get accosted all the time by potential or existing customers, but I've never had this happened to me...until recently. I don't understand how women can deal with sleazy doctors, lawyers, customers, mechanics, or midget butchers hitting on them when they go into accounts. Until yesterday.

I was visiting an account for rounds with a nurse director and she and I were having a good time as usual. Her name was Emily and she was a very pretty woman, in her mid thirties, with a great sense of humor and very smart. We finished our rounds fairly early and then she pulled me into her office.

"I really like your product, but I'm more interested in you. What are you up to tonight?", she said politely as if we were just having a casual conversation.

" Uh, this is a little awkward, but I'm busy.", I wasn't but I lied.

" Listen. You and I have been rounding and flirting now for months. You find me attractive don't you?"

I did. I had to admit she was a very attractive older woman, and if I was still a horny young man, I would be totally excited she was asking me to go out on the town. But as an older man, I felt a little bit weird about the entire situation. I tried to deflect the question.

"Of course you're attractive, but what does that have to do with our business relationship."

" Well, if you find me attractive and I find you attractive who cares about the business relationship. We're just two people having a good time together. We should go out for drinks after work. C'mon it'll be fun! I'll pay that way you won't get in trouble."

What's odd is I could see her point. If we in fact were attracted to each other, I thought why not meet her for drinks, but then I realized this was just a recipe for a big bowl of Trouble Stew.

"I'm flattered, and you are very attractive, but I don't want to lose my job.", I answered and I was serious. This was definitely one of those situations that would put my job in jeopardy.

" What? You think I don't know that. But who's gonna know? I'm not going to tell anyone. Are you?", she said and started moving towards me with the look a fat kid gives to a candy bar. I backed up instinctively.

" It's not that. Someone could see us out together and automatically assume the wrong thing.", I said and kept backing towards the door.

" If you ask me, they can assume all they want, but it's not the wrong thing. It's definitely the right thing!", she said with enthusiasm and I could sense that her hunger for "candy", meaning me, was not going to be satisfied til she had me.

" Uh, this is getting weird. I thought you were buying our stuff because it works. Not because of me."

" You're product works great but I just like seeing your ass everyday. I love those pants.", she said and smacked me on the butt. I jumped like a frightened cat. She smiled.

" Emily, I don't think this is gonna work. I like you and all but I can not only lose my job but ruin my career. I should go." I said and I reached for the door but she leaped in front of me.

" Oh no you don't. You're not leaving just yet. I wanna show you something.", and with that she promptly removed her top. She was wearing a pretty black bra underneath. I backed away from the door to give her room to do whatever else she was planning to do.

"What do you think?", she said looking down at her breasts.

" That bra is really pretty.", I answered, by this time I'm sure my face was flushed red.

" Not the bra you idiot. These!", she said and cupped her breasts, "They're nice huh? Not bad for a 30 something woman. Of course their fake but they're great!"

I had to admit they were spectacular, and it was obvious she was in great shape. So here I had a beautiful woman in only her scrub bottoms and a bra, standing in front of me, wanting me to accost her. Believe it or not, I didn't know what to say. Part of me was rising to the occassion while the other part of me was trying to resist. I had to think of something fast.

"I can see that part of you likes it." , she said and looked at my pants, "Wow. That's impressive."

My body was obviously not listening to my head in this situation. I laughed a little bit, trying to buy some time and amuse her.

"Ah that happens all the time. Especially this time of day.", I said and laughed again.

"Really?", she said and moved towards me, "And I thought it was all because of me.". She moved slowly with a sheepish grin on her face and her eyes were locked with mine. She was moving in for the kill and I wasn't sure I was going to be able to resist. It had been months since my last relationship and I hadn't been with a woman for quite a while. And now here was a lovely woman in front of me, wearing a bra, and ready to pounce. My resistance was starting to wain. Her perfume, her bra and her beauty were starting to get the best of me, and as she moved closer to kiss me only one thought went through my head. "You're fired!" I heard my boss say this loudly and I snapped back to reality. I slid under her and moved away.

"Playing hard to get huh? I like that she said with a smile." and she moved towards me again.

I had to think of something, anything to get out of the situation. And then suddenly it came to me in an instant. As she was moving in again, with my resistance down, and my desires up, and just as she was about to kiss me, I blurted it out.

"Emily, I'm gay.", I lied.

Her head snapped back and she looked at me, "What?!"

" I'm gay. That's why I can't go out with you. I didn't want to say anything. It's kind of embarrassing for me.", I said and looked down at the ground.

She looked down at my pants, "Uh...that is not how a gay man reacts to a woman."

" I was looking at the picture behind you.", I said. Her head turned and a semi-erotic photo of a nude man was hanging on the wall behind her. She turned back and looked at me. I looked down at the ground again.

"That's a Robert Mapplethorpe photo isn't it?"

" Oh my god you are gay!", she nearly shouted. "Now it all makes sense. No wonder I like you so much. I'm kind of a fag hag.", she said and began laughing. I laughed awkwardly with her and as I did, the sexual pressure and tension were now gone from the conversation.

" You're a fag hag?", I said acting surprised because I was surprised.

" Oh yeah. For years now. And I've always liked gay guys. Oh this completely makes sense. ", she said and she started looking for her top.

" You're not upset?", I asked finding her top and handing it to her.

" Upset? No not at all. This happens to me all the time. I'm always falling for gay guys.

At that time, I began to question my own masculinity. Did I dress gay? Did I carry myself like a gay guy? Was I too metrosexual? All these questions popped into my head. But I stayed the course .

"Oh well that's a relief. I'm glad you're not upset."

" Not in the least. In fact I'm flattered that you at least seemed aroused."

" You won't tell anyone will you? People are weird about that stuff", I said.

" Nah, your secret's safe with me."

" And what about my business? Is my business safe with you?"

" Oh yeah that's safe too. Don't worry at least now I have someone to go shopping with me. ", she said with a smile and started laughing.

" I can do that.", I said with a smile of relief. Now I just need to figure out how to dress more fashionably.

-M

Is This Too Revealing?

I was out last week in a hospital and talking to a few nurses when this tall buxom woman comes walking on to the floor and almost everyone's head turns. She was absolutely beautiful: long hair, pretty face, and a flawless body. Which to her credit, she had worked hard to maintain and didn't mind showing off to the doctors.

However, the dress she had on was so tight, and so revealing that it was almost as if she had nothing on. First of all, it was low,low,low,low, cut in the front. Did I mention it was cut low?

And secondly it was so tight that every curve was accentuated and every line revealed. It was so snug, one of the nurses said, "She can't be wearing panties with that. It's way too tight, you would see the panty lines." Too which she added, "I bet you'd like to find out wouldn't you?"

I said nothing, because my mouth was still open, and then as I listened to what she had said, I just chuckled and asked, "Who is that anyway?"

"That's your competition.", the charge nurse said and then laughed.

"Really? I'm in trouble.", I responded and then gulped for air.

"No you're not. We make most of the decisions on this floor and we've decided we don't want to work with a rep who dresses like a whore. All the guy docs like her but we don't. I wouldn't worry about it."

" The docs like her. That could be trouble?", I was trying to keep from staring at the young woman who was just across the station and talking to a resident doctor.

" They like her, but they don't respect her. She's an idiot. They bring her in just to ogle at her."

" Really? That's kinda sad."

" For her not for you. Quit whining.", another nurse said and then added, "Don't even think about dressing like that."

" I would never do that. First of all I'm a man, and secondly, I don't like that dress."

-M

Smile for God's Sake!

I was interviewing for a job one time and it was nerve racking because the interviews were all in this open hotel lobby, so you could see all the other candidates being interviewed. It wasn't intimidating but it was kind of voyeuristic seeing other people in the process of going through what you were about to do.

I was watching the guy before me interview and I noticed he had a very loud voice and a good presence. He sat up straight, was well spoken(you could hear him through the whole lobby area), and he was well dressed. He had one fatal flaw though. He never smiled. Not once! Not when he was telling a story, not when he talked about his family. Like I said you could hear everything in this lobby. Not one time did he crack a smile.

I thought to myself, "I wouldn't hire this guy. He's way too serious about himself, about life, and customers don't respond well to that type of behavior. They're intimidated. As the interview ended he finally smiled as he shook the interviewer's hand. Too little, too late. I knew he wouldn't get the job because when I came over to the table, the interviewer said, "Man that guy was intense!" I smiled and laughed and she did the same.

Have you ever had someone smile at you and you feel the need to return the favor and smile back? It's call the Law of Psychological Reciprocity, which means essentially people tend to give back the feelings you convey. So if you don't smile, they don't smile, and if you're mean then they're mean right back at you. If I'm having a particular bad day, or dealing with some unruly customers, I find myself smiling a lot to overcome the negative feelings. It makes me feel better and keeps me upbeat, so I have a better day. Try flashing those teeth every now and then, especially when you need someone to return the favor. It works!

-M

Dear Sales Diary - Is that a purse?

As usual today was one of those days where the contact didn't know me in an account, and so I had to introduce myself. It's always difficult getting people to like you immediately, but I've always found humor to be a good ice breaker. It seems to put people at ease if you can make fun of yourself. Even in very stressful situations.

So today, I met with a Nursing Director who was instantly as cold as ice when she shook my hand. In fact, her hand was freezing and I swear I saw ice forming on her hair and over her shoulders. Her blood must have been made of liquid nitrogen, because as she said "hello", I thought I saw the letters of the word billowing out from her lips in icy pillows the way dry ice "smokes".So in order to deflect the Ice Princess, I had to change the call quickly. I looked around for something to comment on, and saw a whole line of weird little purses positioned on her window sill.

"Okay mister....uh whatever. I don't have a lot of time. So what company do you work for again?", she said.

" Does it matter?", I answered and she looked shock.

" The more important question is this. Are those really purses up there on your window sill?"

She looked at me and I smiled and then she began laughing hysterically.

"Those are the weirdest looking purses I've ever seen.", I said, and she continued to laugh.

" Those are ceramic vases made into the shape of a purse. My daughter's an artist. I can't believe you thought they were real. That's great. What did you say your name was again and how can I help you?"

Game over. One little endearing joke and the Ice Princess warmed up. And I was sincere too. I didn't know what the hell those things were and it would've bugged me through the whole call. Glad I asked. Make sure to keep people at ease and keep'em laughing.

-M

Choose Wisely Job Seeker...

With so many people out of work, it's tough not to take a job, even if it's a position you don't necessarily want. You have bills to pay, mortgages, kid's tuition, and cable bills. The financial demands can be overwhelming, and the pressure to take a job in today's market are greater than ever.  However, keep in mind, you need to be just as happy in your next job as you were in your last. Or maybe you weren't happy with your last job, but you truly need to try and find a job that will make you happy. It doesn't make sense to work somewhere if you're miserable.  Your new job needs to be the right fit for YOU and the company. Here are few tips to observe in the interview process, that will let you know if the person interviewing you doesn't like his/her job or the company:

1. No smile - When they greet you they shake your hands but don't smile. This is a tip that this person is a total jerk or is having a bad day, which for them could be everyday. They're all about business because they don't have time for anything. Hell you're lucky they're even speaking to you right now.

I was once 10 minutes late for an interview because I was given directions to another branch by the hiring manager. When I entered the office for our interview, I offered my hand and she just looked and it, shook it meekly, and didn't smile.  Not once.  An immediate sign this was not going to go well.

She started the interview with, "Thanks for FINALLY making it here. Are you really serious about this job? Cause if you were, you would have left early enough to account for the miscommunication."

And I'm thinking, "Excuse me.  You gave me the address of a different office and directions to that office. And you're going to be my boss? You can't even admit you made a mistake. Uhhh, take your job and your attitude and cram it!"

That first statement immediately put me on the defensive and that was a short interview to say the least. I practically ran out of the office, feeling liked I'd escaped a prison sentence. I waved goodbye to all the other convicts sitting in the lobby, when I left the building.   As I waved, I shouted, "Good luck in hell."

2. Coffee Mug On the Desk - I've gone in to a few interviews where the coffee mug on the person's desk was an immediate indication that the company might not be all that wonderful to work at.  If you see cups which read the following you might want to consider rescheduling the interview:

               "My Employees Gave Me This Mug To Keep Their Jobs!" or "I'm Awesome!"
               "I'm Silently Judging You" or "Don't Hate Me Because I'm Beautiful"
               "I'm A Hot Mess", or "Property of Mr. Wonderful"

That's usually a tip that they aren't so wonderful, or they are a hot mess, and the company is probably not the culture fit you were looking for in the first place.  I had an interview with one manager who kept telling me how difficult he was to work for, and he had a mug to prove it which read, "I'm An Asshole. Get Over It!"  He was so proud because he had the mug made specifically for himself, online. I appreciated his honesty but I kept thinking to myself, "Why would I work for you again?  Remind me why I'm here?"

3. Office Chaos - If you show up for an interview and the office your interviewing in looks like a scene from the television show "Hoarders", and it takes the interviewer 10 minutes just to find your resume, then get out of there FAST!  If you see stale cups of coffee, candy bar wrappers, and food everywhere mixed with old candy from the depression era that if you bit into it, you would need a new tooth for sure, then leave immediately. These are sure signs that the place your going to work at is in an equal amount of chaos, and it's not worth the time for you to interview. You should be polite, don't be rude, but don't take the job.

4. No Time - If your interviewer keeps reminding you that he/she has very little time for the interview, this is a sure sign they don't have time for "you" in particular, or that they're totally disorganized and not worth your time as well. It's not that they have to be neat, orderly, and organized. They just have to take the time to interview you properly. If they take numerous phone calls, or they look a lot at their computer during the interview, they could care less about how happy you'll be in your new position. They don't even have the time to look you in the eye. This can be especially true in tech jobs where social skills are valued much less than technical skills. Either way, you're still a person, and you deserve their time and attention.  You may be doing nothing but coding all day, but this doesn't mean you're a computer.  You're a person dammit!

5. Rudeness - Believe it or not most interviewers think they have the upper hand because you're the one who needs the job. And they're right. But that doesn't mean they have to be rude. I interviewed once with a company for one position with 1,000 applicants all with experience.

When I walked into the office, which was more like a cubicle, for the interview the guy said to me,

"This will take 15 minutes and if you're lucky enough to get past me, cause I'm really tough, then you get to interview with our VP of Human Resources. If you can get past ME that is. Keep in mind there are 1,000 people interviewing for this position so you'd better be good if you're going to even be considered. Got it", and as he said this, he seemed to be angry with me, like I had just kicked him in the shins.  It was very odd behavior.

"Okay.", I answered because I was taken aback by his rude demeanor.

"Okay? That's your response. Do you think that's going to separate you from the other 1,000 applicants. Okay? Why would I want to hire you anyway? Tell me why?"

I was pissed at this point. And the tip to him was that my face flushed red.

"Oh did that upset you? Well I'm not sorry.", he said.

"Neither am I. Thank you for the non interview. I understand you do this to weed out the losers" I said, gesturing quotation marks with my hands. "But there's no cause to be rude. My question to you is why would I want to work here in the first place? Thank you for your time.", and I stood up and held out my hand.

He shook it but was irritated with my response. "That's it you're just giving up! You don't want the job."

"I'm not giving up. I want A job, I just don't want this job. Thanks again."

"Whatever!", he said obviously flustered, and I just laughed, turned around, and left without saying another word.


No job is worth being humiliated in or out of the interview process. And why would you want to work for a company that treats you like crap? I wouldn't. People need to be inspired, not retired.


Good luck in your job search, and my advice to anyone looking for a job is get a recruiter!

-M

Dear Sales Diary: Interviews Uggggh!

I hate interviews. I know that we're all suppose to be little "professor positive" when we walk into an interview, but seriously; it's like lining yourself up for a chance at rejection. And get this, I interview very well! Imagine if you don't interview well. You're screwed.
There are all kinds of reasons for an interviewer to reject you. First of all, they all have a script or document which tells them what to ask and to analyze your responses. Usually that is a phone interview. And if you pass their little test, then you get lucky enough to meet them in person. And again that have a script or document for the interview. Hell, even I had an outline of questions I wanted to ask just to make sure I was hiring the right person. And despite all those tools, it's difficult to choose the "perfect candidate". I have hired and fired hundreds of people and I found that there are a few things you shouldn't do during the interview process:

1.) No short sleeve, button down shirts - If you wear this it tells the interviewer you don't know what you're doing or you just got out of class at St. Mary's Reform School.

2.) No food in the interview - Believe it or not on 2 occassions I've had people show up with food, saying they didn't have time for lunch. Heh, I want to talk to you, not watch you stuff your face.

3.) No jeans - Absolutely a no-no. If I tell you it's a casual interview that means, wear khaki pants or something not a pair of your best Levi or Wrangler jeans.

4.) No gum - I had a candidate "pop" his gum all through the interview process. It was so annoying by the end of the interview I wanted to "pop" his face!

5.) Conservative Jewelry - I interviewed a candidate one time who was wearing a Cartier watch. When I heard about her rich dad who gave her everything she wanted, my immediate thought was, "she doesn't need this job". So I probed her and she told me exactly that, "I don't need the money, I just want something to do til I get my inheritance." Rich people are clueless.

Those are just 5 quick tips for interviews. I'll pass on 5 more examples next time. Have fun out there...you have one of the best jobs in the world. Make sure you keep it!

-M

Never mistake activity for achievement

Years ago I managed a sales rep who was probably one of the nicest people I will or have ever met. Let's say his name was John. John was a great person. A hard worker, a family man, with a wife and 2 kids whom he had supported since he was in college. He was originally a professionally athlete but a knee injury ended his career and he had been working ever since to support his wife and children.

As I mentioned John worked hard, very hard. He would be the first one to the office in the morning and the last one to leave at night. When everyone else would get 20 cold calls in for the day, John would have 40 cold calls. When everyone else was at home with their kids, John would still be out in the field trying to sell. Simply put, the guy worked harder than anybody on my sales team. But this hard work never translated into sales success. John was always at the bottom in sales in our region.

One day he came to me, "Heh I can't do this. I'm just not cut out for this kinda job. I thought I could sell. I was the number one sales person at 7 up. Why am I not number one here? I can't figure it out. I do what you tell me, I do twice as many calls as everyone else, but I'm not making any money. What's wrong with me?"

"John. There is nothing "wrong" with you. You're a good person and a hard worker. Here is what I can do to help you. I'll ride with you and see if together we can't figure out what's going on. Just keep working hard and we'll figure it out. Don't get down on yourself."

He nodded his head and we agreed to go together on Thursday of the same week. John made all his appointments and set up a pretty good day. 5 appointments and we planned each one of them, analyzing each potential customer and what their needs might or might not be. So as I mentioned before, he worked very hard. He had my ass out in the field at 7 am. I get up at 6:30 am, I'm not in the field at 7 am. Who the hell is ready for a meeting at 7 am? Now I know there are plenty of deals closed early, but unless I have a planned appointment at 7 am there is no reason to be out in the field. Nothing is open, and if they are open they don't want to be bothered by sales reps when they just unlocked their doors. In fact, it really pisses people off.

We cold called 5 accounts all of them not happy to see us. John left his card with each one, and he is such a nice person, they were happy to take it after initially giving him a hard time. So building rapport was not really an issue with John, people liked him. His activity was good but really was it productive? 5 cold calls, no appointments, and 5 irritable potential customers, all before 8 am.

We got to our first appointment at 8 am and it was a tire shop. The "lobby" was full of people and the owner looked to be the guy behind the counter. And by "lobby" I mean a 10'x 10' area, with a couch made from the backseat of an old car, and two chairs that used to be bucket seats from a Datsun 280z. The counter person was talking to people, writing estimates, and directing employees.

"Is that the owner?" , I asked John.
"Yep. That's him", he answered.
The customers asked questions and milled around, while the owner spoke to everyone and seemed very helpful. He answered politely but curtly, almost with an anger in his voice that belied his experience. Sometimes as people get older they run out of patience, especially for stupid questions like, "Do I need to have the stem in the tire?" (Trust me the answer is "yes" to that question)

We waited patiently and the owner was finishing up with the last customer.
"John. Why are we standing here? He does know we have an appointment right?"
" Yeah, he's just kinda grumpy some times is all. We better wait."
" John, the day's a wastin. We can't wait for the right time to tell this guy we are here and have an appointment. Why are we waiting?"
" Just hang on a second. I don't wanna piss him off."
" Piss him off? We have an appointment. Can I say something to him? Can I wave at him?"
" No that's not a good idea."
" What the hell John? Is he gonna shoot me."
" Maybe.", he said and laughed, "He's a mean bastard some times."

Just as I was about to say something else the owner came out from behind the counter and as he was walking past us said, "Just a minute guys." He headed outside with a customer. To me that was our cue. He knew we were there, and he knew we had the appointment.

"John. Please get some balls and go out there and talk to him. Just let him know we're here and if it's incovenient we'll come back. But let's not stand here like a couple of idiots."
" Okay, I'll go talk to him.", John answered, shrugged his shoulders and walked outside.

I followed John outside and noticed the owner talking to a customer and then looking at a car. He bent down, checked a tire, wrote something on his note pad, and then walked to the other side. John approached him from behind and seem to be saying something to him, but the owner did not respond. He didn't even move his lips. I saw John was mouthing something but still the owner didn't respond. I thought maybe he was deaf. Not one single movement in John's direction. John followed him around the car slowly, all the time it looked like John was talking but it was a monologue. No response from the owner. Finally John came back over towards me.

" What's the story John?"
" He said for me to come back tomorrow."
" Really cause I didn't see him open his mouth. Really? We're you even speaking with him."
" He was kinda ignoring me."
" Did you even say anything?"
" Yeah I reminded him of the meeting and asked if now was a good time to speak."
" And?"
" And he said no."
" John, you were running your mouth for like 2 minutes and all you got outta him was no."
" I know, I know.", John said and put his head down.
" You have to have more respect for yourself than that. You're a person too John. Don't be overly polite. It's fine to be respectful but don't over do it. The customer will not treat with the same respect you give to him. He'll walk all over you."
" I know, I know.", he said and hung his head again.
" John, don't hang your head. You're better than that. You were a professional football player for god's sake! Be respectful, but don't coddle to people. It's demeaning and it makes you look bad."
" I know."
" Don't say I know John. Say I will. I will not let people be rude to me. I am a person, just like them."
" I will. I will.", and he picked his head up a little bit, just for my sake I think.
" John, don't see yourself as a salesman. You like helping people right?"
" Yes."
" So helping people is what we do. We don't sell, we find solutions to problems. Think of it that way. And if by helping them you have to be a little more forward, let's do it. It's for their own good."
" So it's not rude to bother them?", he said as if he was surprised that I perceived our job this way.
" You had an appointment right?"
" I did. And I confirmed it yesterday with a phone call."
" You confirmed it? Then it was rude of him not to acknowledge it."
" You're right that was kinda rude.", and for the first time I saw the light bulb go off in his head. He didn't seem irritated but determined.
" John, you are a person and I see what's happening here. You do all this work, make all these appointments, and people are just blowing you off."
" You're absolutely right. They do!"
" Be polite, be sincere, but don't get run over. Work smart, not hard."
" Got it."
" Make them count John. I rather you had 3 good appointments than 7 crappy ones."
" Got it."
" And last but not least. Don't confuse activity with results. You can be out here all day seeing people who are rude and don't treat you with respect without closing one account. It would be better to have 1 account you close than 10 you don't close. Otherwise it's a waste of time. "
" I get it now. Work smarter, not harder."
" John, I've seen you with your wife and kids and you love them don't you?"
" Best things that ever happen to me."
" You want to see them more don't you?"
" Then you need to start being a little more assertive and close accounts. Do it out of respect for them and yourself. I know that sounds like bs but it's true."
" Work smarter not harder?"
" Exactly! Now I want you to go over there and talk to that guy."
He looked shocked. " Now?"
" Yes now. This is the best time to start."
" Okay.", he slumped his shoulders and I grabbed him by the arm and turned him towards me.
" John. You are just as important a person as he is, and you are offering something that will help him. All the rest is bullshit John. Now act like you deserve his respect and he'll treat you with respect."
" Okay, I'll give it a shot."
" No don't try. Do. Do it for your family. Now get in there."

He looked me in the eye and I saw the determination in his face. He turned, walked over to the owner who was now looking at a different car, and this time I heard John's voice. It was not loud but loud enouugh for me to hear, and there wasa no doubt the tire shop owner could hear him. And again the owner ignored him, and so this time John tapped him on the shoulder. The owner turned around and John in a forceful voice explained that he wanted to reschedule his appointment when the owner was willing to make time to speak to him. He apologized for interrupting his day but I heard John say, "I know you're really busy sir but so am I, and I really think I can help you." The owner nodded his head and I couldn't hear what he was saying but he actually smiled, and slapped John on the shoulder. The two then shook hands and the owner returned to the car he was looking at. John turned and came walking back with a big smile on his face.

"Wow that actually worked!", he said to me.
" See John, I'm not always full of BS. What did he say?"
" He said come back in the morning and I'll set aside some time at 9 to talk. And, and he apologized for ignoring me!", he looked happy and shocked at the same time.
" Awesome."
" That was friggin amazing. I'm gonna do that with everybody from now on. I wasn't rude, I just wanted him to respect my time, just like I respected his. That's what I said."
" It's all about respect."

It truly was awesome to see the change in John from that point forward. And with that incident he turned it around and became one of the best reps in the region. Just a slight nudge of encouragement and a little self respect go a long way. Too often we see ourselves as sales people and not as people. Our time is just as important as anyone else and we need to use it wisely.

Remember, activity doesn't always lead to results.

-M

Dear Sales Diary:Know Your Stuff!

Yesterday I received the "test" from a doctor who wanted to make sure I knew what the hell I was talking about. It was a joint call, and so I met another rep, and when I walked in the door, the doctor immediately confronted me:

"Okay, I have this patient right here and her condition is this, this, and this. What would you prescribe?", he said. (Indulge me I don't want to get into the details of the patient's condition. Heck, HIPPA might come down on me.)

I looked at him for a few seconds. He was an older doctor, his hair slicked back, with an old lab coat on. He must've been at least 60, with giant white caps on his teeth. Picture Dracula but without fangs and large, horse-like teeth. It was an imposing site. I looked at him, then his patient, then at him again.

"How should I know you're the doctor.", I responded, which made his assistant laugh. However, the doctor wasn't laughing. He really was testing my knowledge of both the patient and my products.

So I asked him a series of questions about the patient's age, her history, the conditions he had treated her for before, and gathered all the information I could about the patient.

" I think you should do this, this, and this. If the other treatments aren't working."

He seemed satisfied with the answer and so did the patient who was staring right at me. "Good answer", he said.

I looked at the patient and at the doctor and said, "Thank you doctor. I'll be in the other room with my next patient. If you'll excuse me.", and acted as if I was going to leave.

At that joke he did laugh. Lesson learned. Whether it's a doctor, mechanic, restaurant owner, truck driver, or anyone you're selling: Know Your Stuff. Otherwise, you won't earn respect and you'll never make the sale.

-M

Teamwork

It occurs to me with all this talk lately on the radio and television regarding LeBron James and the "Super Team" they've assembled in Miami, that teamwork is an essential piece of that puzzle for any team to win a "championship". Without teamwork you can have all the talent in the world but if you can't work together than nothing gets accomplished.

I remember years ago when I was a sales manager and I teamed up with another sales manager on an account that had multiple locations in each of our regions. The corporate office was in my territory but a majority of the business was in his, and I had a good relationship with the decision maker. So naturally if we "tag-teamed" the account there would be no stopping us. Right? Uh right...things don't always work out the way they should.

First of all picture a short man, named Fred, with an attitude, and you'll see where I'm going with this one. A short man, with a little bit of a temper and a HUGE EGO. I was willing to work with "Wicked Webster", as long as we made the sale; who cares. I felt it best if we meet to plan out the call and he agreed. We met at a coffee shop near his house, naturally.

"I think I should lead the call since I know the decision maker and have a relationship", I said as we sipped our mocha smocha latte something, something...

"I don't agree." he retorted, "Most of the accounts are in my territory and so I should lead the call."

"Fred, no offense but that doesn't make sense. Our contact doesn't know you at all so I think we should ease into it and build some rapport before you start leading the call. Why don't I start the call and we can work it together."

"Okay you can start the call, but I prefer to do most of the talking."

" Why?", I asked, somewhat offended.

" I wanna give us the best chance to win.", he responded not listening to a word I said.

" Win what? Is this a race? This is a big account and I want us to "win" too. Just let me introduce you and don't think I'm not going to speak after I introduce you to Jim."

"Jim? That's your contact's name Jim? Okay got it. I'll take it from there.", as if he didn't need to talk anymore now that he got the contact's name.

" Okay, here's what's going to happen Fred. I will introduce you, we will build some rapport just to verify his buying motives and then we'll work on establishing a good relationship so we can move forward."

"I agree. Just let me do the talking and we'll be fine.", he said and adjusted his tie, checking out the girls coming in the door and smiling. The girls gave him an odd look, and shuffled past as if they were afraid he would tug at their skirts.

" I will do some talking for sure, but I will let you have the spotlight if you like. But if I see it going south I'm steppin in. Got it?"

"Yeah, that's not gonna happen.", again he smiled at more girls coming in the door and received the same reaction. As if they were wondering who the short, perverted man in the suit was up to with his odd smile.

"Whatever dude.", I had given up on trying to convince him my input mattered. So far the teamwork part wasn't going so well.

We rode together to the call and just as planned, I introduced Fred to our contact Jim, "Thanks for meeting with us today Jim, this is the other manager who would be handling your account, Fred. Fred's been with us for a long time, has a wealth of experience for us to draw upon, and would be a great person to partner with to help you increase your business."

Fred stepped in, "Thanks for the great introduction, I'll take over from here.", and then he never stepped out.

For nearly an hour he bored the customer with all the great things he had done for the company, and all the wonderful things he was going to do for Jim and his company. He asked Jim about the pictures on his wall, what sport's teams he rooted for, everything except what he wanted. I interjected a few times only to have Fred make a joke like, "Yeah right, like that's gonna help them!"
After we left, I felt underwhelmed by the call, Fred on the other hand was elated.

"Man! That went great. I covered everything! And did you see how I had his attention. He only looked at his watch 3 times. That's gotta be a record. Most of the time they check their watch regularly. Wasn't I great?!"

"Fred, were we on the same call? I don't think we're going to get that account. You didn't let me say anything. I know Jim, I've known him for ten years. I think he was looking for you to find out what HE WANTED, not what we do. '

"You're so negative. It's a good thing I didn't let you talk. You might of blown it for us. Thank God I was there to save it."

Just then my cell phone rang and I answered. It was Jim.

"Heh, you left your bag here, just thought I'd let you know. Are you gonna come back and get it."

" Oh I'm sorry Jim, yeah I'll come back and get it right away."

" Listen why don't you come back and you and I will talk about the account. Don't bring your friend."

" Okay. Why? Is something wrong?"

" No there's nothing wrong. He's just an asshole that's all."

I couldn't help myself; I started laughing and so did Jim.

" Okay Jim, I'll go pick up my car and come back later today like around 4 is that okay?"

" Yeah no problem. And I'm serious. Do not bring that guy back in here. He's a dick!"

" Sure, sure, no problem. Thanks Jim, see you at 4."

" See ya.", Jim said and I hung up the phone.

The entire time I was on my cellphone I could feel Fred breathing down my neck trying to hear every word. He was driving and I had to cover the phone to keep him from eavesdropping.
When I hung up my teammate was on me immediately, "Was that Jim? Oh wow, I knew I did great! Sounded like he wants us to come back. Does he?". Fred was nearly jumping out of his seat and not focusing on the road.

" Yes that was Jim. And yes he wants ME to come back. I left my bag there."

" Oh god you are such an idiot. Why did you do that? Good thing I was there or we would never get the account."

" He wants me to come back at 4 and he wants me to come alone."

" What? Why?", Fred turned as he driving with a shocked look.

" He doesn't want you there.", I said staring straight ahead, not looking at him.

" Why?", again he seemed terribly confused.

" His exact words?", I asked.

" Yes what did he say?"

" His exact words?", I asked him again, afraid to give him the answer.

" Yes!", and as he said this he nearly jumped out of the driver's seat.

" Don't bring your friend, he's a dick.", I answered and looked straight ahead, feeling a bit absolved, but also bad for Fred.

Fred didn't say anything for a while and just kept his eye on the road looking ahead. For once he was quiet and this lasted a few minutes. He just sat there staring at the road. I was about to say something when Fred spoke up.

"He really said "he's a dick"? Those words exactly?"
"Yep."
He nodded his head. Sat driving for a few minutes and then said:

" That's weird people don't usually say that about me until the second call."

I nearly fell out of my seat laughing and so did Fred. Now that's what I call teamwork.

-M

Dear Sales Diary - Always Be Prepared

Today, like everyday I was on my way to work, and I saw a one armed man cleaning windshields for money. This industrious gentleman is always at the same corner, where everyone gets on the freeway and when cars stop he will solicit his services for a small fee. Whenever I have a chance to stop, I give him some change and he spot cleans my windshield.

However, this morning I saw him a long way off and so I grabbed some change from my console and prepared to slow down in order to give him the coins. Yet, as I got closer, the traffic light changed to green and people were beeping their horns at me to continue on throught the intersection. It seemed I was backing up the flow of traffic and so I panicked. I stepped on the gas, threw the change at my one armed friend and yelled, "Catch!". Of course he didn't because the other arm was holding a squeegee. And I didn't realize what a bad idea that was until after I was on the freeway. First of all, don't throw things at a one armed man that's rude. Secondly, don't throw things at a one armed man who's holding something, because that's just mean.

And then I thought "Well he should have been prepared in case that happens. Like with a pail or tin to catch money."

It wasn't really his fault but you should always be prepared when someone throws money your way!

-M

Dear Sales Diary - Ask Good Questions

This morning I was at Coffee Bean getting a coffee and the person behind the counter took my order for an Americano and then asked me not one but two ridiculous questions.

The first question was, "Would you like whipped cream with your Americano?"
My response was not meant to be rude but I'm sure came across that way, "You're kidding right? I've never been asked if I want whipped cream in my Americano. Black Forest yes. Frappucino yes. Whipped cream in an Americano? No I don't need it. Thanks."
"Sorry we have to ask is all."
" Okay no big deal."
And then came the next ridiculous question, "Would you like that here or to go?"
"Does it matter? Aren't literally all the drinks to go? I've never been asked that either?"
"We have to ask that is all."
"I'm confused. Why would you when you're just handing out drinks. You don't have trays back there do you?"
"No sir. We don't", I could see he must have taken a lot of crap for this question. If they were asking that one daily, I bet he had to hear about it all day.
"You know what. Let's live a little. I'll take mine to go. How's that."
"Thank you."
The clerk rang up my total and his questions reminded me of a sales call I went on 5 years ago. They were useless questions and didn't even elicit a good response. The situation went like this:

We were selling uniforms at the time and we went to the corporate offices of Big O Tires. It was an initial call with the warehouse manager and we met him in the warehouse and walked through the entire place to get to his office in the back. We passed stacks and stacks of tires. Tires were everywhere, and when we get to his office and sit down with him to discuss business, what was the first question out of the sales rep's mouth?

"What do you guys do here?" The warehouse manager's response was classic, "Are you fucking kidding me?"

I'm surprised the rep didn't ask him "here or to go?"

Stupid questions elicit even worse responses. Make each one count.

-M

Dear Sales Dairy- Is a Bullet worth a Bonus?

On my way to an appointment this morning, I noticed a group of flashing lights ahead in a pretty scary neighborhood of Los Angeles. I didn't think anything of it at first because when you see a police car in LA it generally means someone is pulled over to the side of the road and they're being issued a ticket. LA is a car city and has been for a long time, with thousands of tickets being issued daily. Naturally, I thought as I approached I would see a sad motorist with his/her head down and the officer scolding them for speeding, or running a stop sign, while writing out a big fat ticket. This is what I thought I would see.

However, what I really wanted to see was a full blown accident with maybe a burning car, or signs of visible carnage. Like everyone who's ever passed an accident scene, you're hoping to see the visible remains of some poor unfortunate soul(s). His/Her body in pieces on the roadside, blood still spewing for from and newly opened wound, or maybe as you pass their severed arm hits your windshield and you take it as a souvenir. Or even better yet, the car they are in is on fire, and you see there arm jutting from the window, burnt and charred as they struggled to get out of the burning vehicle! Or better still the severed head of a victim is lying in the street just waiting to be taken home by a stray dog or coyote!

However on this typical morning, I was certain all I would see was a person pulled over on the shoulder and a ticket being written by a traffic cop. However, what I saw was not what I had expected...

As I approached the flashing red and blue lights, I noticed they were in the middle of the street. And as I came even closer, I noticed it was several police (8)cars blockading the road to prevent entry and exit. Effectively thay had shut down 1st Avenue in Los Angeles. The closer I came to the scene, the more I noticed that the cars were position to blockade a store and an adjoining house. In addition, all of the police were out of their cars WITH THEIR GUNS DRAWN, in the direction of the business and house. I thought to myself, "Okay please don't start shooting, please don't start shooting. And if you do shoot, shoot at someone else. Not me" The situation seemed intense, and the tension was raised higher because all of the idiots in front of me were driving slowly to assess the situation. Are people retarded? Don't they realize they're not watching tv and they could be caught in the middle of a crossfire between gang members and the LAPD? Obviously not, because they were acting like tourists. I want to shout, "Move you f#$%king morons. Do you wanna be shot?!", but all that came out was an audible shriek like a girl watching a horror movie.

What a horrible person I am? The whole time this is going on, I'm not the least bit concerned about the safety of the police or other people in the area. All I really care about is my own butt, and how am I going to get outta here and a save it. I slowly approach a stop sign no more than 30 feet from the street blockade. I watch the police to see if they are planning to attack or are moving in on the people barricaded in the house & building. Really? As if I'd know what the hell to do if they did start shooting. I'd pee my pants for sure, then after that I don't know what I'd do.

My was is blocked so I start to turn right to avoid the melee which is about to ensue. And as I'm turning, I see two police officers advance towards the buildings. I'm slowly moving through the intersection, and the entire time I'm thinking,

" Okay stay low. Keep your head down. And don't take a bullet just for a bonus you idiot! Wait why am I staying low? Is it stop, drop, and stay low, or is it stop, drop and roll. It's stop, drop, and roll. Wait this isn't a fire? It's a shoot out. Stay low so the bullets don't hit you. Now drive you idiot! Drive!"

I step on the gas and move quickly out of the intersection. So quickly in fact some of the officers are looking at me in my rearview as I drive off. I wonder if they suspect me of being in one of the gangs and if they'll chase me down. (The Tie Gang?) I stay low hoping they won't notice and I'm thankful no shots are fired in my direction either by the perptrators or the police. As I drive away, I almost put my hand up to wave goodbye to the entire situation but I've seen plenty of movies where when someone does that, their fingers get blown off. I keep my hands down and just drive. I'm happy to be alive, happy to be on my way, and happy to have all 4 fingers (thumb included).

There's more to life than just money. There's life.

-M

Dear Sales Diary-Lighten Up Will Ya?!

I woke up this morning so excited about a big presentation I was working on last night. It is a Target Account I'd been visiting for months. I had done all the research on the company, talked to many of the key decision makers, and pin pointed all of their needs in the presentation. I printed all the information, bound each copy, checked my LCD projector, organized everything on the kitchen table and I was ready to roll!

I was a little pressed for time, so I hopped in the shower and when I came out of the bathroom, the kitchen was a disaster! My puppy was laying in her bed chewing on one of the binders, the rest of them were scattered all over the floor and the LCD projector was hanging by its cord from the table. I picked everything up, saved the rest of the presentations, put the puppy out and headed out to the account. I had no time to print another copy and would make it to the account just in time. When I got there, fortunately the projector still worked and one person, Debra, didn't show up for the meeting.

I started with, "Thanks for allowing me to present to you this morning. I just wanted to mention, I'm kinda thankful Debra isn't here because my dog ate her presentation. Literally, I left the presentations on the kitchen table and she somehow knocked them all down on the floor and chewed one. so fortunately Debra didn't show this morning. Otherwise I'd have to give her a presentation full of teeth marks!"

That got a big laugh from everyone and the meeting went well from the get go! It's good to throw in a little humor from time to time to lighten the mood. We're all people so if you have joke or a comment that's funny: USE IT. Be warned though, some people think they are funny and they're really not. So test the joke on a colleague or a friend. "Laughter is the best medicine"...for a sale.

- M

PS: And unlike me, keep it clean. Meetings are not the forum for dirty jokes!

It's a dog!

Today I had an appointment with my vet to do a check up on my dog. I took her in and all of the sudden he advised me that she had all these things wrong with her. She seemed to be cramping, she looked stressed, her color was off. It sounded like he was talking about a car! Not my dog.

You know those times when you go to a Jiffy Lube, an Econo Lube, or even a regular mechanic just for an oil change or a tune up, and then suddenly your car is falling apart? And you're not sure if you believe the mechanic? This is precisely why people don't buy because they don't TRUST THE MESSENGER. That's exactly how I felt as the vet read off a laundry list of issues, including the fact that she needed a dog breath freshening system. Hello?! She's a dog! He explained that the system would significantly reduce the harmful effects of bad dog breath. Jesus, really? That's great if she out meeting people and socializing with them on a daily basis, but really doctor I don't think she's been invited to any parties lately.

I looked at him, nodded in agreement, took the dog by the leash, paid him for his overpriced charade, and told him I would think about getting all those expensive drugs and procedures for my pooch. Then I watched as the dog peed on the rug in his waiting room. The vet stood there and looked at me and then he looked at the dog.

"See. I told you she's got a lot of problems right now. Didn't I? Look what she just did."

"She seems fine to me!", I said with a little pride, "Thanks doc", I turned, and walked the dog out of the office.

When I got outside I scratched her head and neck, "Good girl", I said, "But a little poop would've been better."

-SFTD

Dear Sales Diary

Today I went to visit a doctor's office where I had scheduled an "appointment". The doctor's Office Manager, Helga, a brute of a woman wearing pink scrubs, but looking like an East German swimmer asked me to "wait a moment and the doctor will see you."

I waited for exactly 30 minutes when she came back to me and said,"I'm sorry but the doctor can't see you today. Maybe you can schedule a luncheon for him and the staff.Lunch appointments are the best really."

My immediate response was, "I'm not gonna feed your fat ass just to get an appointment with the doctor! Let me talk to the doctor NOW!"

However what I actually said was, "Oh sure a luncheon would be great! What time would you like to schedule it?"

I'm such a pussy!

-M

Is That A Sample of Your Product?

We've all had awkward moments when trying to make a sale, meeting new contacts, or just during our daily routine. Just last week, I had one of those awkward moments with a potential customer who I had been trying to meet with for weeks.
I just got a new puppy from the Humane Society, and was walking the dog early in the morning when I passed this business where I had been trying to meet with the owner for weeks. Appropriately, my puppy decided to relieve herself on the ice plant in front of the building and I was not prepared for her to poop that morning. Normally she just runs or walks and then waits til we get home to relieve herself. I panicked and searched for something to pick up the poop and found an empty bag of Cheeto's on the ground. I was able to scoop a different kind of "Cheeto" into the bag. We started walking along again, and who happens to show up right around the corner? The owner of the company, obviously an early riser and on his way to work. The puppy was wagging her tail and being friendly and he looked at me and then the dog and said,

"What an adorable puppy. How old is it?", he asked and bent down to pet the dog.

At this point I'm shocked and I can't think because I've been trying to meet with this guy for weeks and I'm holding a bag of Cheetoh's with a surprise inside. So I just blurt out, "Uh four months I think? She's a pound puppy."

"Really? She's cute for a pound puppy.", he said and began stroking the dog's head. The puppy was wagging her tail frantically and really excited to be making a new friend.

At first I'm thinking, "WTF! He thinks puppies from the pound aren't cute? How rude!" And so initially I thought to myself, "I hope she gets real excited and pees on his expensive shoes". But then I came back to reality and realized I had an opportunity to get an appointment if I played this right, and I didn't drop the Cheeto's bag on his shoe.

"Yeah, I guess I got lucky. I was the first in line on the waiting list."

"Well she's really cute. Hi puppy, hi puppy.", he said as he kept petting the dog, who was wagging her tail so hard her whole butt moved back and forth with each tail wag.

As he stroked the dog's fur, I said, "She's really playful so be careful she doesn't scratch you."

He kept calmly stroking the dog and so I figured I would take a shot, "Mr. Gonzalez, I don't know if you remember me, but I spoke to you a couple of weeks ago about a new product my company has that can save you about $20,000 per year. Do you remember meeting with me?"

" I do, but I'm sorry I haven't had time to get back to you. Been really busy.", he said and kept petting the dog who started to lick his face.

My first thought is to offer him a Cheeto because "I've been busy too you ass!", but I held the bag and my mouth closed. I just looked at him and smiled, then bent down and began to pet my dog.

"Good girl." I said. " I know you're busy sir so I won't waste your time, but I really think we can help your company so give it a thought and let me know."

"I'll do that." he said, and he sounded sincere with his answer.

"Thanks", I responded and we both were petting the dog for a moment.

"I gotta go." he said and stood up, " That's a cute dog. You run her around here everyday?"

"Yeah lately I have. She likes to run.", I answered.

He looked at the bag of Cheeto's in my other hand and look perplexed, " You always eat Cheeto's for breakfast?"

I was about to tell him it was a bag full of poop, but decided maybe that wasn't the best answer.

"Not always. Just today!", I said and smiled. "Take care"

"You too.", he said, "Call my secretary will set something up. Tell her your the guy with the dog."

"Okay...sure. Thanks again. See you later.", I said and ran off with my dog.

That was the best bag of Cheeto's I've ever had.

-M

It's All About Activity

In years past I had bosses who told me it was all about "pulling yourself up by your bootstraps" and then working hard and generating activity. First of all, what the hell are bootstraps? Do I look like friggin Teddy Roosevelt? Who rides a horse anymore you idiot? Secondly, it isn't all about your activity. It's about the right activity, and what you do with that particular activity.

It just so happened this boss had no sales experience AT ALL. That's a smart move by management. Let's hire an uber nerd to manage your activity and this will help you make your numbers. Why would we hire an experienced manager who knows when you're working, when you're not? Why would we promote a person who can actually help you manage your time and get you to work smarter not harder? That would actually make sense that's why. In my experience, despite their best intentions, even upper management can make stupid decisions that seem to have no foundation in reality.

So this boss had spent most of his formative years earning his MBA (8 years- Apparently he thought it was not prudent to finish his degree quickly). In addition, he was working full time as a manager at Spencer Gifts, which was regarded as a positive by management. It seems to me there is a big difference between selling fake vomit and penis pasta as opposed to a real sales job where you're out on the street everyday pounding the pavement. But apparently, management views it differently. Or maybe they just don't care. Just want to fill a vacancy no matter what the consequences. I've noticed in all the companies I work for, filling a spot is really what people do when they hire. And they hire people they like, people that are like them. Short managers hire short employees. Rude managers hire rude people. Despite all of the science involved in the hiring process, poor hiring decisions are made daily.

So this inexperienced manager comes in to "right the ship". As if our sales team was sinking. We were 95% to plan and just had a bad first 6 months of the year. But here comes the MBA to save the day. He has charts, graphs, and statistics on what we should be able to forecast by the end of the year. According to his calculations if we do 25 cold calls per day together with 20 appointments per week, we should close at 110% to plan. Assuming our closing ratio is 19.73 percent which is what it is currently. Really? Really? 19.73 is our closing ratio? Which half of a client did we not close?

He rides with me for the first time, and I want to hate him but he's a very nice guy. Wife, family, kids, same as most of us. Amiable enough, but nerdy and a numbers guy which no offense, doesn't work in the sales arena. Hey, I majored in econometrics I know. I was a numbers guy too but people don't respond to data, they respond to OTHER PEOPLE! I take him to a really big prospect who I have been working on for a year to see if he can help. My immediate concern with him on the call is that he will be awkward with the customer and secondly that he will not know the sales process. Here's how the call went:

"Good morning Carol. Thanks for meeting with me again. I just wanted to introduce to my boss, he's just here to help if you have any questions. I know this our 3rd time meeting, so I hopefully after today we'll have made some progress and start working together."

"If you give me better pricing I don't see why not?", Carol answered and laughed. She was definitely a numbers person, but very amiable. Nice lady.

Ray held out his hand for her to shake, "Uh hi my name is Ray, I'm Murray's new boss. Please to meet you." he says, shakes hands, and then looks at the ground. To say the situation is awkward is an understatement.

"Pleased to meet you Ray. Well I hope you can help us negotiate some of this pricing we're looking at from you guys. Murry tells me you guys aren't budging?"

"Don't know if I can do anything right now with the pricing. It looks pretty good from our corporate, but I'll use the Jedi mind trick on them to see if we can make it happen.", he said, looked up from his shoes and smiled. He had that weird smile, like a taxidermist or serial killer; nervous and creepy.

I suppressed the inclination to say to whom, "Who the hell makes a Star Wars reference in the middle of a sales call?" Now the contact is looking at me strangely so I try to take control of the call.

"Ha ha ha... I know you were looking at a reduction in price to help cut costs, and I'm sure we can review the pricing. But we are really selling a superior product here in terms of clinical outcomes. It shows a 35% reduction in hospital length of stay in the most recent study by Weintraub", I said and handed her the clinical results.

"Yeah and it comes with a free light sabre", Ray piped in trying to add another weird joke to the situation.

"Thank you Obi One.", I said and laughed again," But with a reduction in the length of stay this will help reduce your overall costs as opposed to just looking at our pricing and reimbursement. Does that make sense?"

"You mean if we use this product you'll guarantee a reduction in our length of stay by 35%?" our contact said and looked at me in disbelief.

"No, I didn't say that. I said that it has shown to reduce length of stay by 35% in some clinical studies. I don't want there to be any misconception on our part. It's a 35% clinical reduction. Nothing is truly guaranteed. "

"Use the force. It's guaranteed.", Ray said again. I thought I saw him holding an action figure but that could've been my imagination. I shot him an angry look and he stopped smiling and looked down at the ground.

"Keep in mind you've been using our products for a while in free trials and your patient's outcomes have definitely improved. Check with your doctors and nurses."

" We have and we're not sure the cost savings is realistic or justified. You've done a great job of convincing everyone that the product does work and so "kudos" to you, but were fairly happy with our current vendor", she said.

"We can appreciate your loyalty. It makes sense, but you've seen all the clinical evidence right? It beats all of our competitors hands down in performance under clinical trials and it's working with your patients right now. Why would you stay with a product that doesn't work as effectively? Especially if you can reduce the length of stay", I stated very matter of factly as if there was no doubt.

"Unless you can give us a 10% reduction in the cost to justify the usage we are going to consider other options. Sorry."

"I would love to reduce the pricing, but the quality of our products is worth that tiny bit more of an investment on your part since you'll be saving in the long run by reducing your patient's length of stay. "

"Let me see the pricing again. ", she said with a smirk on her face and I handed her our pricing list for the 3rd time in 3 months. She took it, looked it over, and said nothing. She started to type some numbers on her calculator, wrote on the proposal, scribbled a few more numbers and still said nothing. I was silent, waiting for her to speak first and give me a buying sign. We were both quiet for a time, and she opened her mouth to speak but instead Ray broke the silence

"Listen Carol, this could go on all day, but we need to go. We have another appointment in a few minutes. Do you want to get back to us when you've made a decision?"

Carol was startled, "What? Where do you have to be right now?", she seemed offended.

"We have a 2 o'clock appointment. Why don't you just get back to us. Thanks.", he said it with no inflection in his voice. As if he were a robot. I could see that Carol was visibly upset and she thought he was being rude.

"Okay. I'll get back to you, but right now I'm leaning towards staying with our current company."

"That's fine", he said. "Let's go Murry. We don't wanna be late."

"What? Uh okay. I guess we'll get back to you Carol. Thanks for meeting with us. I'll be in touch."

"Okay. I guess I'll review this and talk to you later. Thanks for coming in."

We shook hands and I walked out of there bemused by my new bosses behavior. What the hell was he thinking? We were so close to making a deal and he just gets up and walks out?

"That was awesome!", he said, obviously invigorated by the call. "I've always wanted to do that! Turn the tables on a customer by getting up and walking out."

"I think we blew it in there Ray. She was close to making a decision and no offense you pushed her in the wrong direction.", I was trying to quell my anger with him.

"No way dude. That was just like Tin Men! You make them want it by getting up and walking out. You make them think they're missing out on something. It was textbook sales technique."

At this point, I couldn't help but be angry.

"Ray. Just so you know, "Tin Men" is not recommended reading for Sales 101. Neither is "Used Cars", "Boiler Room", or any other movies you may have seen about sales. You need to practice your rapport building, needs analysis and closing techniques. This isn't the movies, it's REAL sales.

"No way. You watch. She'll call you back. I guarantee it. And she'll wanna do business with us! It just like in the movie. They were pissed at first but they camme back and bought the siding."

"Ray. Sales is not like in the movies. It's not that easy!"

"Sure it is. It's about activity and talking to people. If you can relate to people they you can sell. And the more people you get a hold of the more sales you make!"

"Ray that's if people like you and trust you. If they don't; you're screwed."

" She liked me. I can tell. She definitely likes you"

I was visibly pissed off at this simple analysis of my job and sales in general. If it was that friggin easy, then everyone would do it! Ray's simple analysis of the situation was offensive to me and sales people as a whole.

"You wanna know what movie I was thinking of when you were in there talking to Carol and telling her we'd get back with her?", I asked him.

"No. What movie?"

"'I Am Sam'. Cause what you did in there was retarded."

SELL ME THIS COFFEE!

Do you see the wonderful image of this young man smiling as he prepares your coffee? If you're a coffee drinker, and I am, that's is a wonderful sight in the morning...a smiling, happy, employee, ready to serve you a piping hot cup of coffee.

I don't buy coffee at Starbucks, Coffee Bean, or Peet's normally in the morning. I'm too cheap for the good stuff and lately with the way the economy has been fluctuating, I'll take the Fusion Coffee at 7-11 and serve it to myself. However, there are occasions when I do feel like a latte, cinnamon dolce latte, or just an americano and when I go to a coffee shop I'd like the person behind the counter to smile and greet me warmly. Just like a good cup of coffee.

Friday of last week, I went to my local coffee shop because most of the time the people are very friendly and the service is great! It's definitely a hipster joint with all the servers wearing offensive T-shirts, tattoos covering each arm, and probably a spec script in their backpacks. They're all very friendly and the environment is wonderful. I always look a bit out of place, because I wear a shirt and tie daily for my job, but no one ever gives me a hard time. It's very chill and very cool.

However on this particular morning there was a new employee who'd I'd never seen before. He seemed like an amiable young man, small in stature, Asian in descent, straight black hair, a slight lisp when he spoke, and if not gay; then at least on his way. Which personally I don't give a damn if someone is gay or not. I just want my coffee in the morning. He smiled at me as I approached the counter and I thought okay he seems nice.

"Can I take your order sir?", he said without a smile, and I could already sense some disdain in his voice.

"Can I just get a cup of coffee black, to go?", I answered and smiled, hoping he would reciprocate.

"What I'm sorry, did you say you just wanted a cup of coffee black?", and he said this with a slight attitude as if I'd insulted the place for ordering a plain cup of coffee.

" Yes, just a plain cup of coffee, black, to go.", I responded plainly like the coffee.

"Sir, look at all the wonderful coffees we have here, why would you just order a plain cup of coffee?", he said and the lisp became more pronounced as if he were on America's Next Top Model judging beautiful young girls. He looked at me as if I were an idiot for just getting a plain cup of coffee and I could swear he was pouting his lips as he spoke.

" I just like it plain. Sorry. I don't really want a latte or mochaccino today. Just plain coffee."

"You seem like that kind of guy. Just plain. Okay one plain cup of coffee coming up for the boring guy.", he said and walked over to the coffee dispenser and looked at me with disgust as he was pouring the coffee. He brought it back and handed it to me. "That'll be $1.95 Mr. Plain Black Coffee". He said loudly and with such contempt, that even the person next to me in line was slightly startled by his tone.

" Thanks for the coffee. Oh! And the attitude. Can I get my service next time without all the whipped cream and sprinkles?", and I let out a chuckle after I said it.

" What?", he said and he stopped what he was doing and put his hands on his hips. "What do you mean by that? Are you saying I'm gay?" And he said this loud enough to draw people's attention. As if he were looking for a fight.

I actually started to laugh, "What the hell does that have to do with coffee?"

"Whipped cream and sprinkles? What does that mean? Does that mean I'm gay?", he said it even louder this time.

By this time all the patrons in the place were looking at us. Me in my shirt and tie and him in his pink T-Shirt which read, "DON'T MAKE ME BITCH SLAP YOU!". It looked like a showdown over Proposition 8.

"I don't care if you are gay, just don't give me an attitude because I ordered a plain coffee. That's all", I said in a calm but loud tone.

" Oh because I'm gay, now I have an attitude?!", he shouts at me from behind the counter. The place is not very big and everyone has now stopped what they're doing and are looking at us. I could tell that my attire was not helping me gain support for my cause in this more liberal environment, so I quickly decided an exit was the best strategy. I took my coffee and turned to head towards the door, but not without a parting shot.

"You don't have an attitude because you're gay, you have an attitude because you're a little a#$hole. Thanks for the coffee." I said and held up my cup as I stepped near the doorway to leave.

" Screw you!  You tight assed, closed minded, gay hater.", he again yelled from behind the counter.

" You wish!", I said then snapped my fingers, burst out laughing, and headed out the door with my coffee. I walked down the street, not looking back, and then looked in my cup to make sure he hadn't added anything "extra". I knew at that moment, I wouldn't be visiting that coffee shop anytime soon. Too bad, I loved the place.

I was slightly embarrassed by my behavior, but I hate when people give me a hard time when they're trying to sell me something I don't want. As if I'm an idiot for choosing what I expressly wanted. Now if he had suggested something different, or had asked what I was feeling like that morning; instead of insinuating I was boring like my coffee, I might have ordered something different.

Gay or straight, plain or cinnamon dolce latte, we're all the same and we all want it "our way". Oh and serve it to us with a smile.....not a attitude!

-M