Go To Meeting = Go To Sleep

Lately, I've had to participate in a number of Go To Meeting Webinars and I have to say I am very impressed with the technology and not at all impressed with the content.  This is a great tool for managers to completely bore the shit out of their field reps and to waste everyone's time by requiring you to be in front of a computer when we should be in front of a customer.  It is a wonderful tool to get your message across but it is overused by managers.

Here is a perfect example, I am on a Go To Meeting Webinar as I am writing this post.  That's right!  I am so damn bored with the content that I decided why not post something since I have the time and I am completely disinterested.  This is supposed to be a 2 hour meeting!  I don't know about you, but I can't sit for 2 hours in front of a computer, and I have the attention span of a 6 year old.  This is why I'm in sales.  Hello?  So I plan to do the dishes, clean up the bathroom, write a post, and watch some television while killing 2 hours of time listening to "blah, blah, blah, act with a sense of urgency, blah , blah, blah, we need to hit our quota." 

Last Friday,  I had to participate in three of these meetings.  Three!  I wasted a whole day in my home office attending meetings which gave me some information but not enough to justify me running around trying to meet with customers and then running home to attend a meeting.  A question you may have is "Why do you need to be at home?"  The answer is simple.  My phone dies during the meetings since it is functioning as a hotspot and working as a cell phone for the audio portions of the meeting.  The battery is drained in no time due to this dual function.  So home is the best way to keep the phone charged and utilize my home Internet connection to make sure I don't miss a thing.  Why?  Because these meetings and the content are so riveting!

One thing I learned early on in my sales and management career is not to lose the audience.  I try to feel out the people I'm speaking with, to make sure I have their attention, otherwise it's just a waste of my time and their time.  So my meetings are short and sweet.  I get my message across, interact with the audience, and try to keep the meeting moving swiftly.  In fact, I open the meeting by stating, "Please try not to fall asleep during the meeting."  Unfortunately other presenters are not as conscious of losing people's interest and so their meeting drone on until the participants want to smash their cell phones and kick in the monitor of their computers. 

I think my dog is more interested in these types of meetings then I am. And I'm sure that the rest of you would agree.  No one is paying attention during these meetings because they are intrusive and TOO LONG!  Most people are drinking coffee, cleaning their house, taking care of their kids, and getting ready for the day.  Some of them might even be having sex who knows.  I would love for everyone in "attendance" at these online meetings to turn on their webcams all at once, just to see what people are really doing.  I guarantee more than half, are not paying attention!  Why?  Boring, boring, boring.

I don't know about you but for me Go To Meeting = Go Do Something Else.

Have a good day selling and I hope you don't have too many meetings!

-M

What We Say And What We Really Mean-2

If all was right with the world, we could tell customers whatever we were thinking.  Unfortunately, that is not how things work in the business climate of today, and sometimes we say one thing when we really mean something else.  Here's a few more

                       What We Say                                                              What We Really Mean

"I see here that your order shipped out today."          "Shit, I better make sure that order goes out today."

"You are my favorite customer.  You know that?"            "You're my favorite customer....at this moment."

"I just love your necklace.  It's beautiful. "                      "Wow! Where did she buy that thing?  A garage sale?"

" I like that watch.  Where did you get it?"                "I don't give a damn about your watch. I'm checking the time."

"Oh is that your wife/husband in this picture?"         "Oh someone actually had the courage to marry you?"

"That is a beautiful blouse.It looks great on you."   "Is that a half leopard/cheetah print?Who is she? The Lion King?"

"The benefit to you will be a reduction in costs."        "And the benefit to me will be an increase in commissions."

"Our product has been know to limit viral infection."    "I am not a clinical person, but I hope you believe this bullshit."

"Our competitor's product does not perform as well."     "They sold you a load of crap and you believed them?"

"Yes the competition offers lower prices than us.I know."  "Those mother fuckers are operating sweat shops in China!"

"I like your make up today.  It's very natural and subtle."     "Holy shit. She needs more make up. I think I'm blind."

Have a great day selling!  More to come.

-M

What We Say and What We Really Mean -1

All of us in sales, service, customer service, production, or any facet of business that deals with customers have to watch carefully what we say.  Unfortunately we are not allowed to express our true, and wholly justified, feelings about a situation to a customer.  So I put together a few words and phrases that we find ourselves uttering daily to customers, but I also listed the true meaning of the word or phrase we wished to convey. 

                   
                What We Say                                                               What We Really Mean

"Good morning.How can I help you?"                 "Why are you bothering me while I'm enjoying my coffee?"

" I apologize and I'll take care of that right away."               "Good luck getting your stuff now.You asshole."

" That was a miscommunication on our part."               "How many times did I tell you it took 3 days? Idiot!"

" I checked the tracking number. It should be there."                  "Are you stupid? Look on your porch."

" Oh I must have written down the wrong item number."           "You gave me the wrong item number."

" I'm sorry doctor, you're right.  That's my fault."                      "What a moron!Glad he's/she's not my doctor."

" Sometimes people are confused during surgery."                    "I think you may have removed the wrong organ."

" I would love to do that, but I'm not sure it's legal."                    " Do I look that stupid to you?"

" Unfortunately I can't do that because of regulations."                 "Do I look that stupid to you?"

" We can only act within the government guidelines."               "For the last time!Do I look that stupid to you?"

" Yeah, I've run out of free samples.  Sorry."                                     "No more freebies. Order something!"

" Sorry, but there is a cost involved.  It's not free."               "Are you kidding me?  You're such a cheap ass."

" I would love to do that for free, but I can't sorry."                    " What the hell?  Is you're stuff free?"

" I understand my competitor says it's free."                           " Those bastards are lying through their teeth."

" Unfortunately, I can't go any lower on the price."                   "I'm done negotiating miss/mr.penny pincher."


These are just a few.  Stay tuned for more next week.  Have a great day selling!

-M

Where Do I Park?

Nothing to me is worse than getting a parking ticket.  NOTHING! To me it's like throwing money away, and despite my efforts to avoid getting a ticket, it sometimes happen in this crazy town known as Los Angeles where the parking restrictions change by the minute.  I'm not kidding, BY THE MINUTE.  I was reminded of this  because I woke up this morning and my new neighbor had a ticket on her car, and she was not happy.

As I found out myself when I moved in to my new place, it turns out you can park in certain spots everyday of the week, except 2 am to 3 am on Wednesday mornings.  Why?  Who the hell knows!  Nothing about street sweeping, squirrel crossings, or grunion runs. No words on the signs indicated why it was illegal to park in this area at that particular hour.  What made it even more painful for me, was the fact that I had just purchased a parking permit because when I initially moved into my new place, I received 2 tickets the very first night!

The tickets should have just read, "Greetings from the City of Angels.  We are aware you just moved here and cannot purchase a permit since it is the weekend.  As a result,  we are going to make your move even more unpleasant, and give you 2 complimentary tickets for overnight parking.  Enjoy your weekend asshole. Hahahaha!"

When I came out my front door, with my dog, my neighbor was looking at the ticket and she seemed really pissed off.
"I have a parking permit.  Why did I get a ticket?", she asked me.

"That is kind of weird.  Where were you parked?", I asked her as I was holding my dog by its leash.
"Across the street.  Why?"

"Where across the street?  Were you in front of the City Park or to the side of the Park?"
" What does that have to do with anything?", she looked confused.
" If you park to the one side on Wednesday mornings they give you a ticket... for overnight parking."

" What?  That's why I bought the fucking permit so I wouldn't get another ticket. I got three already."

" The same thing happened to me when I first moved in.  Apparently you can't park in 6 spaces to the left of the City Park on Wednesday mornings from 2 am to 3 am. Even with a permit."

"What? Why?"

" Good question.  I never asked why. I think it has something to do with city maintenance workers or something. They park their vehicles there for training or something."

" So just those six spots?  That's it.  And only on Wednesdays."

" No. You also can't park there on Sunday nights from 2 am to 6 am even with a permit, and on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 10 am to 6 pm."

" What?  When can you actual park on the street?"

" Oh wait and Monday mornings from 8 am to 11:30 am you can't park in that area either."

" Are you joking?  Seriously?"

" I'm not joking.  Look at all the signs.", I said and pointed at the area she had parked in.  There were 6 parking signs in an area designated for about ten parking spots in front of the City Park.

" I'll just park the car in my garage."

" You can't do that either.  There's a city ordinance against parking in your garage without a permit."

" Bullshit!"

" You're right I'm joking there isn't a city ordinance, but good luck getting into that little garage."

" Wow.  Are you the neighborhood Debbie Downer? Jesus you'd think we live in San Francisco or New York City."

I laughed, "Nope, but I went through the same shit when I moved in.  You'll figure it out after a while and to be honest the only problem parking is on Sunday nights when all of the rules are in effect.  Finding a spot then is a bitch."

" Well thanks for enlightening me.  But I still have one serious problem with parking here."

" What's that?", I said and now I was confused.

" There's a boot on my car now.", she said and she motioned for me to come to the other side of the car, and sure enough there was a yellow boot on front tire on the driver's side. 

" Damn! I'm so sorry.",

" Fuck my life. ", she said.

" Welcome to the neighborhood.", I said and smiled.  Then my dog peed on her shoe.

" Perfect.", she said and we both just laughed.

Be careful where you park and be aware of all the posted signs, because there's nothing worse than getting a parking ticket.  Except maybe getting a parking ticket, a boot on your car, and pee on your shoes.  Have a great day!

-M