The Bluetooth Guy

This morning I saw a man pushing a stroller and speaking very loudly to himself, or so it seemed.  At first I thought, "Wow!  Even psychotic people can be parents.  That's so great!  His kids must have lots of imaginary friends to play with... I hope they make it to the age of 5."  However, as he approached me and my dog, his voice was still loud and carrying all the way across the park.  He didn't seem even slightly embarrassed that everyone could hear his conversation, and I was confused by his lack of humility.  Yet as he passed, I noticed that he had an earpiece wrapped around his ear, which meant he was talking to someone on his cell phone. Well, I felt almost as stupid as he looked, because let's be honest, when you toss your private phone conversations around for everyone to hear, you are obviously an idiot.

I own a Bluetooth earpiece.  I have had one for YEARS now, but I don't use it any longer.  Do you care to know why?  I stopped using it when cars starting allowing you to sync your cell phone with the automobile's sound system, and so it wasn't necessary.  It's a little thing that scientists call TECHNOLOGY! Why use a Bluetooth earpiece when you don't need one? So this begs the question, "Why are there still people walking around in the world using these antiquated, giant, slugs in their ears?" I have no idea, so I decided to ask one of my "friends" who still uses a Bluetooth earpiece.  I use the term "friends" loosely, since I live in Los Angeles, a person may have many acquaintances and very few real friends. He was true to form.

I was told by this friend, who still owns one of these pieces of antiquated technology, "I use one because it's easier for me to keep my hands free when I speak.  I can move around the office, check my emails, or even go for a walk while I'm talking to the other person on my cell."

My response was naturally with a question, "Is that why you always sound distracted when I talk to you on the phone?  Because you're doing something else instead of paying attention to the conversation?"

"Yeah pretty much.  I have a lot to do you know.", he answered.

"Oh so you're like every person who still owns one of those things.  I get it now."

"What is that supposed to mean?  I'm like everyone else?  No I'm not."

Obviously I had hit a nerve because this guy likes to think he's different.  "Yeah you are.  You're just like all the people I know who still use one of those things.  You're a D-I-C-K. Dick."

"What?  Fuck you.  Why am I a dick?"

"Because you can't even take the time to talk to the person on the other end of the phone.  You're too
busy to pay attention to the conversation, and that's why I'm always repeating myself when I call you. It's okay though, I knew you were always kind of a self indulgent prick anyway."

"What?  Wait how does that make me a prick.  Because I'm efficient?  Because I can multi-task?"

" No because you're a multi-ass.  You're so obsessed with your own shit, that you can't even take the time to LISTEN on the phone.  That's why I always have to remind you of stuff we talked about over the phone.  You don't remember because you're not paying attention. "

" I would pay attention, but it's just that your stuff is not that important to me is all.", he said and laughed.

"Well your friendship isn't that important to me either.  I gotta go find some other superficial friend.  Later.", I said and started to walk away.

"What?  Don't walk away from me.  I'm talking to you asshole.", shouted as I got further and further away.

I yelled back, "I'm sorry!  I can't hear you because I'm not paying attention!" 

His friendship will not be missed.  Fuck you Bluetooth Guy.

Have a great day selling!

-M

Everyone's A Genius

I know a lot of people who have children, but fortunately or unfortunately, depending on how I'm feeling on any particular day, I don't have any kids of my own.  However, this does not keep me from being inundated with baby talk,  kid talk, preschool issues, and parenting guidelines.  I receive all kinds of advice from people about child rearing despite the fact that I have no children, which makes me wonder if they want me to have kids, or they think I act like a child.  I'm often not sure how to respond when they proffer advice but I usually just say, "I miss the days when children were allowed to work in factories", or "I try to pattern my life after Freddy Krueger's so having children is probably not a good idea for me."  Usually the advice stream stops at that point in the conversation.

The other day, while at a hospital one of the nurses was showing a video of her child doing a puzzle and the kid must have been about two or three years old.  I have 12 nieces and nephews so I am pretty good at guessing the age of a child.  I must admit, I was pretty amazed at the dexterity with which the child put this rather detailed jigsaw puzzle together.  A puzzle which I am sure would have taken me days to complete, if I even had the determination to try.  I usually give up on any problem after 30 minutes of intense frustration. 

I was so impressed,  I blurted out, "Wow is he a savant?"

"Oh god no. He's a genius." and she said this very matter of fact, as if it was a given, that her boy would be a genius.  She smiled and added, "Look at how fast he put the pieces in place.  You know he's reading already."

I was inspired or perturbed to inquire further, I made the comment, "Shakespeare? Milton? Tina Fey?"

"Very funny smart ass.  No just basic stuff but he tests at a genius level."

" They have tests for kids that age to see if they're a genius?"

" Well yes and no.  You can have them take an IQ test if you think they can handle it but they do offer various little tests to check your child's IQ."

" Are you going to have him tested?"

" No need. I already know he's a genius.  My grandfather was a genius so I'm sure he is too."

" I didn't know your grandfather was a genius!  Wow! That's amazing.  Who is he anyway?"

At this juncture in the conversation, I was really excited to learn who her grandfather was...Thomas Edison, Jonas Salk, or maybe even Albert Einstein.

"Oh, he wasn't anyone who's famous.  He was just really, really, smart.  He was an inventor."

" No kidding.  That's fascinating.  What did he invent?"

" Well nothing you would hear of today.  Just a bunch of stuff.  The electronic oven mitt was one invention of his? Have you ever heard of it?"

I had never heard it, subsequently I shook my head.  She understood...maybe she was a genius too.

"It didn't work because the cord was too long. But my little boy is going to be just as smart."

I didn't want to be too rude, so I nodded in agreement, "It looks like he's already on his way."

"Yep, he's a little genius. In fact, he's been doing Baby Einstein since before he was born. And he watches Baby Genius on YouTube all the time."

I chuckled, thinking she was joking. "How could he understand Baby Einstein in the womb? Is that even possible?"

She laughed, "You dope, it's just music like Mozart and Bach.  It helps soothe the baby."

"Oh, okay.  Well all this talk of genius is just making me feel dumb.  Maybe I should listen to Mozart."

"I don't think it would help you. You have to be born a genius like Chandler."

Before I could blurt out anything sarcastic like, "You named your kid after a character on 'Friends'?", or "just because you can sing about apples and bananas in different languages doesn't make you smart", I took my leave and headed out of the hospital. But I kept thinking that her requirements for the label of "genius" were pretty low.  I mean, just because your kid is good at puzzles, can read at kindergarten level, and his great grandfather was the inventor of the electronic oven mitt, doesn't mean he's a freaking genius. And then I kept wondering about the electronic oven mitt, and why it would need a cord. It's an oven mitt!

I went about my normal workday and this word "genius" kept coming up in conversation.  I was in a Physical Therapy clinic and a Lil Wayne song was playing on some one's radio and I heard one of the therapists say, "This song is genius!" I mean, I like Lil Wayne, but I never thought I word hear his name and the word genius in the same sentence. The word "crunk" maybe but not "genius".

Later, at lunchtime, I was eating and a song from the band Mumford and Sons was being piped in over a sound system. I heard one waitress say to another, "Oh I love this song!  These guys are total geniuses! Have you ever seen them live? They....are....awesome!"  Once again, I didn't necessarily agree with the moniker of "geniuses" to describe a group of people who could play washboards and banjos. I decided to tell the young lady she was entirely wrong in her speaking of her favorite band in terms of pure intellect.

As the waitress approached my table, I meant to say, "The definition of genius is a person who has an exceptionally high intelligence quotient, typically above a 140 IQ. ", but instead I said, "I thought only people who were mentally retarded played the banjo."

"What?" was her response.  As if she didn't hear or more importantly, didn't understand what I said.
" Nothing.  Can I have the check?", I said acting as if nothing had happened.
" Sure. I guess.", she answered, and she walked off mumbling something under her breath.  I thought it was, "Who doesn't like Mumford and Sons?"

As the day progressed, I heard the word genius used to describe everything from a coffee barista to an actual cup of coffee.  And I realized, it isn't the term that has changed, but rather our definition.  We have significantly lowered the standards in the "genius" category. Consequently,  the term has now taken on the form of an noun, adjective, and adverb.  No longer is it a honor to be called a genius, but it is rather commonplace.  So if you come up with a brilliant or creative idea and someone calls you a "genius", they might as well just call your name out at a Starbucks.  What's the difference?

Have a genius day!

-M