The Bluetooth Guy

This morning I saw a man pushing a stroller and speaking very loudly to himself, or so it seemed.  At first I thought, "Wow!  Even psychotic people can be parents.  That's so great!  His kids must have lots of imaginary friends to play with... I hope they make it to the age of 5."  However, as he approached me and my dog, his voice was still loud and carrying all the way across the park.  He didn't seem even slightly embarrassed that everyone could hear his conversation, and I was confused by his lack of humility.  Yet as he passed, I noticed that he had an earpiece wrapped around his ear, which meant he was talking to someone on his cell phone. Well, I felt almost as stupid as he looked, because let's be honest, when you toss your private phone conversations around for everyone to hear, you are obviously an idiot.

I own a Bluetooth earpiece.  I have had one for YEARS now, but I don't use it any longer.  Do you care to know why?  I stopped using it when cars starting allowing you to sync your cell phone with the automobile's sound system, and so it wasn't necessary.  It's a little thing that scientists call TECHNOLOGY! Why use a Bluetooth earpiece when you don't need one? So this begs the question, "Why are there still people walking around in the world using these antiquated, giant, slugs in their ears?" I have no idea, so I decided to ask one of my "friends" who still uses a Bluetooth earpiece.  I use the term "friends" loosely, since I live in Los Angeles, a person may have many acquaintances and very few real friends. He was true to form.

I was told by this friend, who still owns one of these pieces of antiquated technology, "I use one because it's easier for me to keep my hands free when I speak.  I can move around the office, check my emails, or even go for a walk while I'm talking to the other person on my cell."

My response was naturally with a question, "Is that why you always sound distracted when I talk to you on the phone?  Because you're doing something else instead of paying attention to the conversation?"

"Yeah pretty much.  I have a lot to do you know.", he answered.

"Oh so you're like every person who still owns one of those things.  I get it now."

"What is that supposed to mean?  I'm like everyone else?  No I'm not."

Obviously I had hit a nerve because this guy likes to think he's different.  "Yeah you are.  You're just like all the people I know who still use one of those things.  You're a D-I-C-K. Dick."

"What?  Fuck you.  Why am I a dick?"

"Because you can't even take the time to talk to the person on the other end of the phone.  You're too
busy to pay attention to the conversation, and that's why I'm always repeating myself when I call you. It's okay though, I knew you were always kind of a self indulgent prick anyway."

"What?  Wait how does that make me a prick.  Because I'm efficient?  Because I can multi-task?"

" No because you're a multi-ass.  You're so obsessed with your own shit, that you can't even take the time to LISTEN on the phone.  That's why I always have to remind you of stuff we talked about over the phone.  You don't remember because you're not paying attention. "

" I would pay attention, but it's just that your stuff is not that important to me is all.", he said and laughed.

"Well your friendship isn't that important to me either.  I gotta go find some other superficial friend.  Later.", I said and started to walk away.

"What?  Don't walk away from me.  I'm talking to you asshole.", shouted as I got further and further away.

I yelled back, "I'm sorry!  I can't hear you because I'm not paying attention!" 

His friendship will not be missed.  Fuck you Bluetooth Guy.

Have a great day selling!

-M