Elevator Pitch My Ass!

Since I was a junior sales associate I have heard the term "Elevator Pitch" used to describe how to get your point across in 30 seconds to a few minutes.  I researched the history of the term and it was originally credited to the editors of Vanity Fair back in the 1990's, and when I refer to the word research that I means I looked it up on Wikipedia. But who cares where it came from anyway!  It's a dated phrase and needs to be changed. How many sales people do you know who have made a pitch in an elevator?  Do you want to know how many I know in my 15 years in sales?  ZERO! 

Who the hell has time to make a pitch in an elevator?  You have time to gain interest in an elevator, you have time to garner attention in an elevator, and some people even have time to have intimate relations in an elevator, but pitching someone in an elevator really doesn't happen.  If you live in a major city, the chances of you sharing a ride in an elevator with a potential prospect are extremely rare unless you're stalking that prospective customer and then that's just plain disturbing.  STALKING is not being persistent, it's being weird and creepy and obsessive.  It works for some people...like serial killers. Yet, in today's business climate it's best to keep things professional and not pathological.

However, there are moments when you may run into a potential client or customer and you need to think quickly about what you would say and exactly how you would present yourself.  It might sound slightly weird but you have to deliver in those precious moments if you want to make a sale.
We've all had awkward moments when trying to make a sale, meeting new contacts, or just during our daily routine.  A few years ago, I had one of those awkward moments with a potential customer who I had been trying to set up a second meeting with for a very long time.

I'd just got a new puppy from the Humane Society, and was walking the dog early in the morning when I passed this business where I had been trying to meet with the owner for weeks. Appropriately, my puppy decided to relieve herself on the ice plant in front of the building and I was not prepared for her to poop that morning. Normally she just runs or walks and then waits until we get home to relieve herself. I panicked and searched for something to pick up the poop and found an empty bag of Cheetos on the ground. I was able to scoop a different kind of "Cheeto" into the bag. We started walking along again, and who happens to show up right around the corner? The owner of the company! Oh lucky me to meet him with a bag full of crap in my hand! Obviously he was an early riser and on his way to work. The puppy was wagging her tail and being friendly and he looked at me and then the dog and said,

"What an adorable puppy. How old is it?", he asked and then he bent down to pet the dog.

At this point I was in shock, and I couldn't think because I'd been trying to meet with this guy for almost two months and now I'm standing in front of him, holding a bag of Cheetos with a nasty surprise inside. So inadvertently I just blurted out, "Uh four months I think? She's a pound puppy."

"Really? She's cute for a pound puppy.", he said, and began stroking the dog's head. The puppy was wagging her tail frantically and really excited to be making a new friend.

At first I'm thinking, "WTF! He thinks puppies from the pound aren't cute? How rude!" And so I thought to myself, "I hope she gets real excited and pees on his expensive shoes". But then I came back to reality and realized I had an opportunity to get an appointment, or better yet a sale,  if I played this right, and I didn't drop the Cheetos bag on his shoes.

"Yeah, I guess I got lucky. I was the first in line on the waiting list.", I responded.

"Well she's really very cute. Hi puppy, hi puppy.", he said as he kept petting the dog, who was wagging her tail so hard her whole butt moved back and forth with each tail wag.

As he stroked the dog's fur, I said, "She's really playful so be careful she doesn't scratch you."

" I'll be fine don't worry about me.  She's so cute I just might steal her from you.", he said and then laughed.

In my head, I said, "I will smush this bag of Cheetos in your face if you try that buddy.", but what came out was, "Oh no you don't, now that I've finally got her trained.".  We both laughed, and I held the bag awkwardly at bay.

He kept calmly stroking the dog and so I figured I would take a shot at gaining some more interest in my services:

"Mr. Gonzalez, I don't know if you remember me, but I spoke to you a couple of months ago about a service my company offers that can help improve your sales team's efficiency dramatically. In some cases, 40%. Do you remember meeting with me?"

" I do, but I'm sorry I haven't had time to get back to you. Been really busy.", he said and kept petting the dog who started to lick his face.

My first thought was to offer him a Cheeto because "I've been busy too you ass!", but I held the bag and my mouth closed. I just looked at him and smiled, then bent down and began to pet my dog along with him.

"Good girl." I said. " Look, I know you're busy sir and you don't wanna talk shop this early, so I won't waste your time. But I really think we can help your company, so give it some thought and let me know if you'd like to meet again."

"I'll do that. You know what, here's my direct line.  Call me, I'd like to talk" he said, then he stood up and handed me his card.  "Call my cell, that's the easiest way to get a hold of me." 

"Wow! Thanks", I responded, sounding a little too enthusiastic.

"Okay, I gotta go. Bye pup.", he said and stooped to give the dog a pat on the head. "That's a cute dog. You run her around here everyday?"

"Yeah lately I have. She likes to run.", I answered.

He looked at the bag of Cheetos in my other hand and look perplexed, " You always eat Cheetos for breakfast?"

I was about to tell him it was a bag full of poop, but decided maybe that wasn't the best answer.

"Not always. Just today!", I said and smiled. "Take care."

"You too.", he said, "Don't forget to call me okay, and remind me you're the guy with the dog. I forget a lot in my old age".  And then he smiled.

"Okay...sure. Thanks again. See you later.", I said and ran off with my dog.

It may not have been the best "Elevator Pitch", but that was the best bag of Cheetos I've ever had. I'm only glad he didn't ask for one. 

Maybe we should start calling it the "Cheetos Pitch" and not the "Elevator Pitch". 

Have a great day!