Personality Tests... Seriously?!

Recently, my fiancee has been looking at other places to work, and she has been subjected to scores of personality tests.  It seems that every company is trying minimize its risk of hiring someone, by testing each applicant prior to placement.  She's had to take 5 of these tests in the last 2 weeks and it is starting to get on her nerves and mine as well.  All I can say, is that personality tests are complete bullshit!  I have taken these tests in the past, and despite the endorsements by business professors who incidentally have no experience in business, this type of test taking is not effective.  Why?  Because you can "cheat" the test.  Keep in mind, the creator or creators of these personality tests will advise you that the tests are infallible.  They have too because it's their livelihood.   That despite the applicants attempts to "fake" the test results, there is no way this is possible, because of the intricacies of the test.  I'm sorry but again I have to call BS.  No matter how many different ways the test creators word a question it's still the same question and the answer will be the same.  Any idiot can figure out that question 15 is the same question 76 but they are just worded differently. So you answer them in the same manner.  I know these tests are not infallible, because I have "faked" my way through several of them, and I have coached others to do the same.

I can remember way back in 1999, I was required to take one of these tests by my company to see if my personality matched that of a successful sales manager.  Naturally, I answered all the questions as if I were an arrogant prick, but not so arrogant that it might cloud my judgement. I sat in the room envisioning how a used car sales man would answer the questions, and I pictured myself wearing gold chains and an open shirt with chest hair sticking out.  Then I almost threw up in my mouth. It took me 3 agonizing hours to complete all of the questions!  3 hours!

Well,  the test returns came back with this long description of who I was, and the nature of my character, and how effectively I was matched to the position.  I scored a 90% match, which was a joke, since the profile they had compiled on me was not consistent with who I am as a person.  It wrote that I was very, very aggressive, and that I might tend to "walk over" employees and customers in order to achieve my goals.  The recommendation was to hire me, but keep a tight leash on my activities since my overconfidence might upset fellow employees and potential customers in the process.  In addition, it also suggested I focused greatly on my appearance and it was important to me how I looked to other people. Nothing could have been further from the truth!  I didn't dress to impress at all.  In fact I would usually wear the same clothes for so long they actually went out of style and then came back in style.  Some of my fellow employees would make fun of my ties just because a few of them had a certain cartoon character on them.  (No I didn't own a "Star Wars" tie and it wasn't Stewie from "Family Guy")

    Moreover, the test indicated I was uber confident. This was another glaring misnomer.   In fact, I am the opposite. Whenever I win awards I always think that there has been some type of mistake or the presenter got the "numbers" wrong.  To be honest, I think this helps me as a sales person because people appreciate humility.

This is just one example of how inaccurate these tests can be, and I can think of 5 more instances where they have failed to correctly identify the true character/personality of an employee.  10 years ago I recruited probably the best person I have ever worked with and may ever work with in my career.  I interviewed him, and even though there was no position for him with my company, I wanted to hire him immediately.  We spent two hours together and he had the perfect blend of charm and character of a person I wanted to work with, but he still had to take a personality test in keeping with our company policy.  He took the test and the results came back that he was a poor match to the position.  After some discussion with my boss, and the VP, I hired him anyway because they both agreed he was the ideal candidate.  10 years later his career has taken off and he is now the head of Service Training for a major industrial laundry company.  So why did the test indicate he was not right for the job?  Because these types of tests cannot predict or show what you see in an interview.  In addition, they tend to favor those who are either supremely confident or supremely nerdy.  For a sales or management position you want a confident person, but for a tech job you might want a humble nerd.  Why can't a person be both?  I'm tired of this ridiculous application of fucking Sabremetrics to minimize the risk of hiring someone. HR and management people are now "pigeon holing" potential employees and this is just wrong.  If you want to determine if a person is good enough, sit your ass in a chair and get to know them.  Then if you're not sure, have someone else interview them and compare notes. 

    Listed below are some of the questions which are on these absurd tests. I have listed each question or statement and my interpretation of what they really want to know about the applicant.  I will not identify the testing agency since many of them ask the same asinine questions.  Read them and judge for yourself:

Question or Statement                                                                                           True  or  False
I would rather stay home and read than go to a party.
Interpretation:  Are you an unsociable nerd? 

I like classical music.
Interpretation:  Are you an unsociable nerd who listens to classical music?

I wish I knew what I wanted out of life.
Interpretation:  Are you a goal less loser?

In school I am or was in the upper part of my class.
Interpretation: Are you an honors student or is vocational school your new gig?

I get away with a lot of things.
Interpretation: Are you a sneaky little bastard, and should we even trust you?

I am a fast reader.
Interpretation: Were you a student of Evelyn Wood?  Or should we get you a tutor?

I can use a microscope
Interpretation:  Seriously, who the hell can use a microscope besides a lab technician?

I am a poor judge of my own ability
Interpretation:  Do you have any confidence or are you just a total loser?

I would like to change a lot of things about myself.
Interpretation:  Are you so unhappy with yourself that you might commit suicide on the job?

Keep in mind this test had 300 questions like this!  All designed to develop a "picture" of who you really are?  But is it really accurate? Not at all, and employers have no right to be this inquisitive as to your personal life and preferences.  It seems that not only are people supposed to apply for a job they're supposed to give over all the most personal and intimate details of their lives and of themselves.  Well, I say bullocks!  Screw them and screw those tests!

Have a great day selling!

-M

Another National Meeting....

It's that time of year again!  The time for employees to be drunk, managers to be in a funk, and CEO's to either pass or flunk.  It's time for another National Meeting.  For the last 15 years I have attended many meetings, seminars, regional meetings, local meetings, but each year this is the highlight or rather lowlight of my job.  I get to spend hour upon hour with people I work with, some of whom I actually like, and be surrounded by many people I seriously don't like, all in the effort to bring us together as a team.  A chorus of "team, team, team, team" will be heard throughout the hotel conference center, and we will do all kinds of team building exercises to strengthen our "relationships".  And by "relationships" I mean that some of us actually know each other's full name.  Other than that, we really have no clue as to each others personal lives. For those of you who know more about your fellow employees than just a name, then kudos to you!

Personally, I would prefer the classic chant from the movie "Meatballs", with Bill Murray leading a chorus of "It just doesn't matter! It just doesn't matter!  It just doesn't matter!"  This rings more true than anything at these crazy annual get togethers.  None of it really matters...but it is extremely amusing! Whomever plans these large National Meetings is either painfully misguided, intellectually disabled,  or just likes to torture poor innocent employees, by putting them together in a meeting place and making them do embarrassing things with people they don't know or they don't like. Here are some more amusing things about the Annual National Meeting:

1. We Get To Do A Talent Show! - Are you fucking kidding me?  Who the hell thought of this painful and embarrassing act for all of us to fumble through.  I guess it's meant to harbor unity and get people to work together for a common goal when all it really does is bring out the diva in all of the participants.  Moreover, it's incredibly embarrassing for those of us who lack talent. Unbelievably there are some people who work in corporations who always wanted to sing, or play guitar, and be a rock star, and so this gives all the tone deaf losers a chance to repeat their high school failures and play "Jack and Diane".  I have been to 3 National Meetings where the CEO got up on stage to provide "entertainment" with a couple of other musically inclined employees.  I don't know if  I was entertained but I was certainly amused as they fumbled through U2, Tom Petty, and Beatles tunes.  I wanted to perforate my eardrums after the first note, but instead I decided the best course of action was to poke fun at them and point out their flaws.  This didn't exactly work out terribly well for my career advancement, but I did enjoy myself.
2. Team Building Exercises - "Hey everybody we're going to build a boat! And the team whose boat floats the longest will each get a Starbucks gift card! Isn't that great!" These were the exact words I heard at one meeting where they decided that it was best to mix all the participants into different teams.  It was done so that we could get to know each other better and work with someone other than people in our region.  So I got to work with all types of different people and came back with an even worse opinion of different parts of the country.  We all had to come up with a concept for a boat made of cardboard and packing tape and then try to sale this fucking leaky tugboat around a makeshift pool.  First of all, none of us had any Viking heritage in our blood, so we were at a distinct disadvantage.  Secondly, everyone wanted to lead the team, with the exception of me who just wanted to stand and laugh at all the effort people were making just for a $25 gift card.  It took forever for us to construct this ugly boat and finally, since my team had a combined IQ of 160, our ship never sailed...it sank.  Everyone thought it was hilarious, but it wasn't funny for the poor Captain, ME, who ended up getting wet. However I didn't go down with the ship, I jumped out of the pool before it went under.  And can someone again explain how this activity is helpful?  Is it necessary? I'm sure it was funny to everyone else, but to me this kind of stuff is really unnecessary. Why couldn't we build a hot dog stand, or reconstruct an Irish pub, or create a giant Ice Cream Sunday?  That would be a lot more fun and much more enjoyable.
3. Company Skits - I have seen some bad theater in my day.  In fact, I can remember a community performance of "Mice and Men" where a dog took center stage because it would not leave the stage and had to be dragged by it's leash, exit stage right.  However, nothing is quite so bad as people who don't act for a living, performing a company skit.  These carefully or hastily prepared skits are more difficult to watch than "Sharknado".  Usually they involve a company cheer, some dancing, and some awkward acting.  On occasion the CEO will participate and pull some reluctant contributors up on stage to help him/her with the skit, and it always turns in to a big mess and a corporate "rah rah" session.  I enjoy for my company, but do we really need an SNL moment to remember how fortunate we are?  NO!  Lorne Michaels would cancel his show immediately if he saw what type of buffoonery was being performed in corporate meeting rooms across the nation.  Leave the acting to actors please...
4. Our Meeting Has A Theme!- Who thought of this brilliant idea?  Themes for annual meetings is absolutely absurd.  I do understand that a corporate vision needs to be conveyed, but isn't that what a Mission Statement is all about? Ask any corporate employee, other than the person who conceived of the them, what the them of last years annual meeting was, and they will not be able to tell you.  Guaranteed!  They will be able to look it up, and then tell you, but off the top of their head, they won't know it.  So why the hell do we need a theme?  And the slogans are so corny. "Let's Soar Like Eagles in 2011!", or "Be The Best You Can Be In 2006!".  If they wanted a true theme it should be "I Could Use A Drink Right Now!" , "Everyone Loves Midgets!", or "None Of Us Wants To Be Here!"  That would be an honest and genuine theme, because even the CEO doesn't truly want to be at the National Meeting.
5. Awards Dinners - I think these events are wonderful for recognizing people who have done well throughout the year.  But do all of us really need to be reminded what a fucking asshole Scott is and how he cheated to win Rep of the Year?  It seems that all these things do is just piss off and alienate the other employees in the room.  And I even won an award this year, but my initial reaction when they called my name was, "What the fuck?".  It's embarrassing and it seemed like everyone in the room was mumbling something envious.  I don't want envy, I want respect. Put my name in a memo and that's enough recognition for me.  I can remember one year when my team was set to take every major award and corporate cancelled the awards ceremony due to profit restrictions.  Did I care?  Nope.  As long as they gave my team some type of monetary prize, I didn't give a damn if people saw us up on a stage.  I want to be recognized for being a great team player, not a jerk who has to "fudge" the numbers to win recognition.  Plus all the people who don't win an award just get drunk and talk shit about all the people who did.  It's disturbing more than rewarding.

More on the Annual Meeting in the next post. 

Have a great day selling!

-M

Introverted Extroverts?

First of all, this post has nothing to do with sales, but I felt inclined to write it anyway.

When I heard of the death of Phillip Seymour Hoffman,  I thought how terribly tragic that this man, who had recovered from his addiction and had been "clean" for 23 years; had experienced a relapse.  How horrible for him and particularly his family.  And then I started reading my friends posts online:

"A lot of people loving on a junkie who left three children without a father"

"Worthless junkie"

"How selfish that he killed himself and left his kids homeless"

"I hope he stuck the needle in his eye...bastard"

"Very sad.  He was a major junkie and had problems for years with his addiction"

"Those are the chances you take when you get involved with an addict.  His girlfriend should have known better."

My first thought was, "Holy crap my friends are a bunch of a__holes."  And then my second thought was, "How does his death leave his children homeless?  That person is an idiot."  Naturally, I felt inclined to write a comment or a response on one of my friends facebook page, which would be a scathing retort. So I began typing,

"You're one to comment on being a junkie when you're a pothead and your kids are the by product of a whore.  You're the one who's a selfish a__hole."

This is what I wrote after two glasses of wine and a margarita however what I posted was something like, "I'm not so sure he was a junkie, but more like a recovering addict. And I don't see how people can fault his girlfriend when maybe she didn't know he was an addict 20 years ago."

I realized that my initial tirade had turned to something more like a wimper, but I couldn't be a complete jerk with my response.  I realized that if the person was facing me and we were having a conversation there was no way I would respond with a wicked and demoralizing retort. My online "friends" however did not hold back their feelings...or what they perceived to be feelings.

"WTF is wrong with you?  How can you support that heroine addict?  He was a scumbag and you're an enabler for supporting his habit.  Have you no sympathy for his kids? I hate what you just wrote, and I hate you." 

" You're a f#$cking idiot dude.  You don't know anything about addiction so don't make any comments.  He was an addict and he deserved to die for his irresponsible actions. You should be buried with him for that comment."

I read these comments and went through a wide range of emotions.  At first I was absolutely in shock, and then I became angry, and then I just became sad.  I personally knew these people typing these horrible things about me when all I did was make a benign comment about Phillip Seymour Hoffman's addiction. I wasn't supplying him with Black Tar heroine, or shooting it into his veins. By taking a stance which was in slight opposition to their sentiments, I had brought on this deluge of hatred.  If you read my comment it was almost bland but it ran counter to their thoughts so they sought fit to attack me, even calling for my own death! WTF is wrong with people.  At this point,  "the gloves were off " so to speak, and I was about to slaughter them with words. 

So I began typing, "Thank you for your witty retort you bunch of f#$ktards. How is it that you graduated from college? Oh that's right, you didn't or if you did it was from the University of Phoenix, or some other online university, because you couldn't get accepted anywhere decent because you're frigging stupid.  I really should take your advice since you've done such a great job of raising your own brat kids.  By the way, their ugly.  Ed, your son resembles Benjamin Button, and Jim, your daughter looks similar to John Merrick only more grotesque.  Perhaps you should sell them to a carnival.  Oh and one last thing, if you died of a heroine addiction I'm sure they would both be sold by those money grubbing whores you married!!!  I'd ask you to go f#$k yourselves but I know your pricks are so small you couldn't even have sex with a Chihuahua."

I read through what I had written and was checking for grammatical errors when I realized that this was just stupid.  I was getting in to a fight with a person I've known for years,  over something they posted on line, and I didn't even have the decency to call them.  So before I sent the response I picked up the phone and made a call to one of my friends.

He answered, "I take it you're pissed about what I wrote."

"I would say more like shocked."

" Yeah I'm sorry.  I got carried away.  I guess the whole situation reminds me a lot of my brother and his kids. You know he was always making promises and leaving them hanging.  It just pisses me off."

" Uh yeah dude, I can tell.  But Phillip Seymour Hoffman is not your brother dude. I was just saying I'm not sure he wanted it to end that way.  I know that stuff with your brother has always been bad.  I didn't mean to touch a nerve."

" My brother is such a jerk and the way he treats his kids is just...horrible.. It's cool, sorry I wrote that stuff about you.  I deleted it already."

" Well I'm glad we actually talked about it, instead of fighting online. That's just stupid."

He started laughing, "I know!  You should have seen what I wrote the first time!"

At this point I was laughing too, "Oh really?  I don't even want to know."

"Oh c'mon I bet you were preparing some scathing response for me."

I laughed again, "No I wasn't."  And then I started laughing again.

" I knew it!"

" No I wasn't.  That's what makes me a better person than you."

He laughed, "Oh screw you! Are you coming to the birthday party on the 20th?"

" Yeah I'll be there."

He didn't have to send me an e-vite, or create an event, or even send a message to my facebook page.  All he had to do was ask. 

I realized that if the person isn't in front of your face it's so easy to "scream" back at them, and to be mean.  It's very easy to be a prick.  To be extrovert, yet introvert at the same time.  If you ever find yourself in this situation and it starts to get out of hand, just remember you're having a "conversation" or rather a confrontation,  and there is a real person on the other end of that line. Only keep in mind there is a record of that conversation online, and you might "say" something you'll regret. 

Be kind online, and have a great day!

-M

Death By Meeting

I have been working in various businesses for over 30 years.  I've done everything from putting windows in RV's, to working in a warehouse, to delivering uniforms, to selling medical supplies, and I even spent 2 years working in the financial sector.  However in all the years of working, never has anything killed business momentum quicker than an over abundance of meetings.  They are time consuming, often boring, and most of the time unnecessary.  Managers seem to be the only employees who insist on meetings, and seriously I believe it's because they want to have evidence they are doing something, besides sitting on their asses. I was a manager for almost 20 years and I had meetings once per week, but they were extremely brief and extremely focused.  I preferred to allow my employees to do their jobs rather than wasting time attending meetings.

One of the companies I worked for had meetings every morning to start the work day and ending it with a conference call or a meeting.  It was grueling, stupid, and completely senseless.  Supposedly it was to help us stay focused on the task at hand, but all it did was alienate the employees and piss off their families who were waiting for them at home.  If we didn't get the idea that we needed to improve after the first 3 meetings, were weren't going to be successful anyway, so the meetings simply reminded us of what "losers" were really were, or pushed us to leave a company which was absolutely clueless with regards to employee morale.  And this is the dilemma that companies have today.  They now treat people like property or an asset rather than a person.  Many companies really don't give a shit about your health, your family, or your well being. They care about share holders.

I can remember those twice per day meetings vividly.  We would take bets on when the HR manager was going to fall asleep, or when the Customer Service Manager would ask to be excused to use the bathroom.  It was as if everyone in that conference room did not want to be there and had to think of some excuse to get out of the meeting.  Even the General Manager who organized the meetings! He would tell me to lead the meeting instead, and he would go home. I suppose my time, my spouse, and my kids were much less important than his. 

   I remember one time, my friend had his wife call and say there was an emergency at home and so could he be excused. And his plan worked!  He went home and then came back with some story about a busted water heater, the next day.  The whole story was completely fabricated and his wife was in on it! Meetings cause this type of animosity from your family, so beware of going to too many meetings.  Near the end it got so bad that each participant was thinking up a different excuse on a daily basis.  Here are a few excuses people used at the time to get out of attending each meeting:

1. Doctor's Appointment: This is a simple one and often used, but too often people make stuff up and then don't remember the details of their lies.  It's best to set an appointment and then just not go or cancel at the last moment.  That way you have a doctor's name, and the "ailment" you may or may not have to refer to for your excuse.
2. Family Emergency - Using this excuse to miss a meeting is wonderful.  Why? Because this could mean anything, from a dog being sick, to a child's allergic reaction to peanuts.  It encompasses a lot, and can be used multiple times, but keep in mind you need to vary the emergency.  You can't have a busted water heater two weeks in a row.  That would look a bit "fishy".
3. Customer/Client Appointment - Another great reason to miss a meeting because you're supposedly working, but in reality you are really on your way home.  Then if you're asked how did the appointment go, you simply say it was cancelled.  Technically, not a lie because you're the one who cancelled it. 
4. Child's Pageant/Show/Game/Teacher Conference etc. - Many managers have children so usually they understand this excuse for leaving.  Because for some reason they are actually trying to be good parents as well.  This works well especially if you have a lot of children,  because you can come up with various reasons for missing the meeting.  Don't abuse this one though...
5. Illness - Now this could be an illness that you might have like a cold, cough, the flu, or it could be a family member who is ill as well.  It's up to your discretion on how to spin this little yarn, but be sure not to over do it.  Otherwise, people will be wondering how you were able to recover from malaria in a day or two.

I know that a lot of people who will read this might think, "Oh why should I make up an excuse to miss a meeting?  Isn't lying just wrong?"

Not in this case.  What's wrong is that meetings are being done more for the benefit of managers as a forum to reprimand and punish employees rather than being constructive and offering tools for your success. 

And remember the words of the immortal George Costanza, "It's not a lie, if you believe it."

Have a great day selling!

-M

Business Lessons From The Zombie Apocalypse

Zombies are a big hit nowadays in television shows like "The Walking Dead", and of course movies, like "World War Z", but there are also a lot of lessons to be learned from the impending zombie apocalypse. Not just simple lessons like the "doubletap" and "cardio", from the movie "Zombieland", but there are real business lessons to be drawn from the theater of the damned.  If you follow these simple guidelines, you'll be able to manage today's business climate, and wade through a herd of zombies as well.

1. Trust No One - It seems that family members are always eating other family members in the zombie apocalypse and really the same can apply to business.  The worst business decision I ever made, was because I trusted a friend who then became my business partner, and it turned out to be the worst business transaction I ever conducted.  It set my financial plans back 5 years, and only because I blindly followed my friend into a deal, and then got gobbled up by a crew of "walkers" waiting for me and my money. Trust no one with your money or your career...not even your mother. 
2. Align Yourself - It seems that in the post apocalyptic world people are always aligning themselves with others just to stay alive, because there are threats everywhere.  Your business career isn't much different.  You have to be careful that you choose the "right" side, meaning the side that which will propel your career forward rather than bring it to a terrifying halt.  15 years ago I was in a position to choose sides in a conflict between two area vice presidents and unfortunately for me, I chose the "wrong" side.  My boss ended up getting let go even though he was the best manager in the nation, because he aligned himself with the losing side. However, the way it was explained to us was that after 10 years with the same company, he suddenly wasn't a "culture fit".  WTF?  I, in turn,was never given a promotion after that even though I led the region in sales. Unlike me, choose your sides wisely and hopefully you'll come out a "winner".
3. Tread Lightly - In many corporate cultures there are people waiting to feast on your flesh, just like a zombie.  They are miserable little vermin and so they choose to make other people feel the same way. They may not like you for some odd reason; maybe it's your hairstyle, the way you dress, or even your perfume,  and they in turn will seek to ruin your career.  If you come across anyone who can influence your career in some way, be sure to tread lightly around that person, because if you draw their attention due to something negative, they may seek to end your climb up the corporate ladder.  I've seen perfectly good people taken down by a person who is just jealous of their success, and so they make up lies to soil that person's reputation, and derail their career.  After all, misery loves company. 
4. Savor The Moments - When you have zombies consistently trying to kill you, it's best to enjoy each and every moment you're alive.  The same applies to the business world. You need to have balance in your life.  Let me repeat that phrase, "YOU NEED TO HAVE BALANCE IN YOUR LIFE". Regardless of what you believe, corporations do not give a damn about you or your family.  Your boss might care a little bit, but they are just trying to survive as well, so don't give your life up to a company and expect something in return, because you'll be sorely disappointed.  Enjoy time with your family and friends outside of work and don't spend every waking hour thinking about your company because I guarantee you, people in the "C Suite" aren't thinking about you.  Savor those moments and don't let your career run your life, believe me, there is no pot of gold at the end of that rainbow, just an angry leprechaun with a severance package.
5. Save For The Future - In the world of zombies there are no pension plans or payments from social security.  Guess what folks, there aren't any pension plans or social security payments in your future either! Unlike generations past, all of the responsibility for your health and welfare is on you.  So just like in the zombie apocalypse you need to save for the future; both for yourself and your family.  50 years ago you could work for a company for 30 years, collect a pension, and have a lifetime of health care coverage.  Well an atom bomb was dropped on that dream in the 1980's and now we all have to fend for ourselves.  So put a little bit away everyday, every week, and every month so that you and your kids don't starve, or even worse you can't afford to pay for satellite television.

Be safe out there and don't let the "walkers" get to you.  Have a great day selling!

-M

Bullying Is Not Just For Football Players And Children

In light of the recent events involving the Miami Dolphins and the controversy in their locker room, bullying has become a hot topic.  Parents have been complaining about bullies for years, but now that these types of tactics have crossed over to the workplace, the media has only shed more light on the issue. However, people have to keep in mind that this kind of behavior takes place not only in school yards, on buses, or in locker rooms.  It's a pretty prevalent part of many work place environments.

Bosses consistently bully their employees to "motivate" them, which is almost comical.  I have never felt motivated when my boss threatened me with my job.  In fact, there were times when I thought to myself, "this is fucked up being threatened everyday with unemployment."  I can remember one boss that told me, "You'll do everything I say or you won't have a job at the end of the day."  Being young and ignorant, I believed him, but as I got older I realized people like him were just full of shit.  They couldn't actually fire me unless I did someone grossly unethical, like stealing, or leaving feces on his desk.  Believe it or not I do know someone who did leave a "present" on his boss' desk, and no one could prove it was him who had perpetrated the crime, so he wasn't fired.  I was amazed at this for two reasons.  Number one, he actually climbed up on the desk and took a dump, and number two...he actually climbed up on the desk and took a dump!    Outside of the show "Jackass", I didn't think people actually did that kind of sh..stuff.

In any case, whenever I have encountered a boss who was a bully, I immediately began searching for another job and then quit the position, and probably so did the person after me, and the person after that person, and so on. Bullies are simply assholes, and most people don't want to work for an asshole. Unless of course you're a masochist and in that case you should read "50 Shades Of Grey" which is an entirely different story than this one.  Literally.

So why does this problem persist everywhere despite our best efforts to rid ourselves of bullies.  Why?  Because it's in some people's nature to be a bully.  They feel inadequate, even though they might be in a career position and so they use intimidation and threats to create a workplace of fear for their employees or coworkers.  In order for them to feel adequate or to accomplish anything they must rely on others for success and so they use techniques such as alienation, disaffection, and even isolation.  Bullying occurs so much in the work place that there are entire websites devoted to work place bullies and how these types of individuals are counter productive to the health of any organization. There is even a website named the Workplace Bullying Institute. It focuses on the education and prevention of bullying in the workplace.  They offer advice to individuals and employers on what to do in the invent there is bullying going on within their organization. 

Here are some signs from them that you are being bullied courtesy of the WBI (all WBI recommendations are in italics and our recommended responses are in red): http://www.workplacebullying.org/individuals/problem/early-signs/

Experiences At Work

• You attempt the obviously impossible task of doing a new job without training or time to learn new skills, but that work is never good enough for the boss.
• RESPONSE: Do mediocre work for your bully and then advise them it's the "the best work I've ever done". 
• Surprise meetings are called by your boss with no results other than further humiliation
• RESPONSE: Attend all meetings with your boss while wearing an African tribal mask.
• Everything your tormenter does to you is arbitrary and capricious, working a personal agenda that undermines the employer's legitimate business interests
• RESPONSE: Create your own personal agenda and document every capricious little thing the bastard does to torment you.
• Others at work have been told to stop working, talking, or socializing with you
• RESPONSE: Advise others at work that your bully has terrible body odor and this is why you were told to not socialize for fear you would reveal this tidbit of information.
• You are constantly feeling agitated and anxious, experiencing a sense of doom, waiting for bad things to happen
• RESPONSE: Start drinking in the afternoon or at breaks to ease your tension.
• No matter what you do, you are never left alone to do your job without interference
• RESPONSE: Make up a story that you were at a gun range and became mildly deaf in both ears and can't hear a thing your tormenter is saying.  Then remind him/her that you learned how to shoot several different types of guns in the last week.
• People feel justified screaming or yelling at you in front of others, but you are punished if you scream back
• RESPONSE: Don't scream back but leave post it notes on your desk reminding you to skin dead animal carcasses after work, and little notes like "Learn how to kill without guilt." This will scare the shit out of the bully.
• HR tells you that your harassment isn't illegal, that you have to "work it out between yourselves"
• RESPONSE: Advise HR that you tried to work it out but the bully kept advising that the best way to resolve the issue was sexually.  This is sure to get them fired.
• You finally, firmly confront your tormentor to stop the abusive conduct and you are accused of harassment
• RESPONSE:  Explain to HR that you only responded in kind when you refused to have sex with your tormenter.
• You are shocked when accused of incompetence, despite a history of objective excellence, typically by someone who cannot do your job
• RESPONSE: Learn to ignore the accusations, start looking for another job, and draw crude and horrible pictures, depicting someone murdering your bully.
• Everyone -- co-workers, senior bosses, HR -- agrees (in person and orally) that your tormentor is a jerk, but there is nothing they will do about it (and later, when you ask for their support, they deny having agreed with you)
• RESPONSE: Trust no one and make quiet comments to yourself about how you're going to burn down the building.
• Your request to transfer to an open position under another boss is mysteriously denied
• RESPONSE: Find out where your bully lives and leave threatening notes in their mailbox from "The Cleaner".

Please keep in mind I am not making light of the situation with regards to bullying. The responses are intended to be funny and absurd.  If you are being bullied at work, my suggestion is that you document every incident and try to remain objective about the entire situation.  If you let emotions get involved then that will just make the situation worse. When you have accumulated enough information to build a case against your tormenter, then report the incidents to HR and request that they investigate the matter objectively.  This will make you seem very professional and the bully will look like an idiot. Either way, don't let the situation fester or it will only get worse.  Keep calm and carry on.

Have a great day!

-M

Know When To Say "No"

Years ago I was an up and coming young executive at a pretty well known service company.  I had done very well with the numbers but not so well with the politics of the corporate environment.  Why?  I told the truth which most people didn't like, and most of the time my analysis of a situation was right.  This wouldn't have been so bad, if I didn't have the annoying habit of telling people, "I told you so!"  I was arrogant, brash, and I knew what I was capable of, but the problem was people didn't want to hear me say it.  In the corporate environment, hey want you to follow the leader, learn your place, and then once your humbled, you can move forward in your career.  I didn't learn that until after I quit.   I thought it would be different somewhere else but naturally it wasn't.  People are the same at every corporation.

Well in order for me to change our executives perceptions of me, I decided that I would actively try to be around them at regional, and corporate meetings.  I knew that my reputation as a "know it all" had preceded me, so I decided that it was in my best interest to get to know the senior managers and VP's and for them to get to know me.  Again, my ego got the best of me, because I figured that if I was funny and they liked me, they would help turn my career in the right direction.  Wrong!  In the corporate environment, especially one focused on service, it pays to be efficient, nondescript, boring, and without a personality.  This will get you everywhere.  I found this out the hard way...

Our managers meeting was in Atlanta and I was excited because I had never been to Atlanta, and I heard the food was great and it was a fun city.  So naturally, I was looking forward to the trip.  All of us were to take tours of our newest hi tech manufacturing facility, and we would have meetings for 3 days to discuss strategies for the upcoming fiscal year.  Really exciting stuff...boring. The first evening a few of the younger general managers, like myself, decided to go out for dinner and drinks.  We were at a local restaurant when the senior executives showed up, including our own vice president, Jim, and naturally they all decided to join us.  Already they were pretty tipsy so I thought maybe this was a good chance for me to try and let some of my own personality out since they were already drunk, they might not remember anything the next day.  Mind you, I wasn't planning on making an ass of myself, but when alcohol is involved, sometimes your lack of judgement, gets you in trouble.

We were all drinking telling jokes and one of my colleagues pipes in, "Hey M, do some impressions for us! You guys gotta see this. Friggin hilarious!  Do the Christopher Walken thing..."

Naturally, never the one to pass up a chance to be in the spot light I start do impressions of a bunch of people like Christopher Walken, Jimmy Stewart, John Wayne, Traci Morgan, and even a slutty version of an elderly Katherine Hepburn.  Well this has the whole party laughing and then some drunken idiot shouts out over everyone's laughter:

"Hey M, do that impression you do of Jim!", well it was as if a record scratched and the music stopped.  Everyone was looking at me including our VP, Jim.

"So you do an impression of me, do you?", he said in his slow measured tone. 

I lied immediately, "No I don't.  I've never done an impression of you."

"Yeah you do.  You do it all the time in the office.  C'mon it'll be funny.", the idiot adds.  I could have strangled that guy at this point.  Now everyone was looking at me, waiting for a response.  Then Jim spoke.

" Sure M, let's hear your impression of me.  I'm curious as to how good it is."

" Sir, I think it would be better for my career, if I stick to celebrities at this point. " I responded.

" What?  I'm not a big enough celebrity for you?  C'mon at least try to do an impression of me." , he added and slapped me on the back and laughed. 

Again, everyone was staring at me, waiting for my response.  It was as if all of them were witness to all the facets of an accident, just waiting to happen.  They saw all the elements of a career suicide in front of them, and secretly all of them wanted me to make fun of one of the VP's.  None of them had the balls to do it themselves, but for some reason they thought I would be stupid enough to do it.

I sat at the table with Jim's arm around me and about 20 people looking at me waiting in anticipation.  I was full of beer, a little tipsy, and feeling a little bit daring.  So I went for it:

" What? I'm not a big enough celebrity for you?", I repeated in a perfect imitation of Jim's voice.

The party erupted!  Guys were falling over laughing, including the other VP's, and so I went even a little further, "Boys, if we don't get these numbers up, some of you are going to be looking for a job somewhere else...", I added, imitating him to perfection.

Now everyone was laughing, including Jim!  I thought to myself, "This is great they love me!"  All the other managers were crying they were laughing so hard.  The senior VP's were congratulating me on what a great impression it was, and how funny I was, and I felt like I had finally bonded with all of them.  No longer was I an outsider.  I was "in" with the senior managers, and I felt like I had finally made it.  Everyone was slapping me on the back, and it felt great!

Just then another hand slapped me on the back and then wrapped around my shoulder.  It was Jim.  He gave me a shoulder hug, pulled me close to him and said:

"That was great!  You were spot on kid.  But don't think I'm ever going to forget this.  Drunk or not, I'm gonna remember this night for a long time.", and he looked at me, and he wasn't smiling.   And he didn't smile at me for another year...

When you go out with anyone who has seniority, authority, or capacity to affect your career, know when to say "NO", to a night on the town.

Have a great day selling!

-M