What's Humane about Human Resources?

       Recently,  I have been on a job search again, and I've noticed a progression over the years towards the de-humanization of Human Resources at almost every company to which I apply.  Now I may upset more than a few people with this article, including my sister, who was once head of a Human Resource department. However in my opinion,  "HR" people are not the best representation of a company. In fact, I can state with credibility that they are sometimes the worst choice to represent your company.


      For example,  when I would recruit at universities and colleges in the Los Angeles area, notably USC, UCLA, Pepperdine, and others, I never liked to bring an HR person. Why?  Because half the time they are eliminating candidates based upon some random behavior they noted in an interview.  After screening candidates a few years back, I sat down with our HR Director and we reviewed a pool of candidates.
HR Director: "I don't like this guy, he stared at me too long during the interview.  I think he would scare away customers."
Me: "Isn't eye contact good?"
HR Director: "Yes, but not this kind.  His right eye barely moved.  It was frightening. It had this glaze over, almost kinda dead look to it."
Me: "Really?  You do realize that he has a fake eye?  He mentioned it to us last time we were on campus."
HR Director: "Oh! Hmmmm.  I guess he's okay then. Sorry I didn't know that."
Me: " You did the screening!  Aren't these your notes on the back of the resume?"
HR Director: " Oh yeah.  We see so many people it's hard to remember them all."
Me: " I see.  Yeah we interview so many people with fake eyes I can see where you might miss one."


    They spend more time disqualifying candidates rather than trying to hire them.  It's called "weeding".  They want to make sure they weed out all the bad candidates to get to the good ones.  The problem is there is so much room for discretionary judgement, and I'm not so certain HR people are as objective as you might think.  The following conversation was one I had with an HR person following a recruiting trip to Pepperdine.


HR: "I don't like this girl.  She's European, and she's way too pretty for this position."
Me: "I thought we were sticking to just the qualifications and not focusing on the people yet."
HR: "We are, but I don't see her as working out.  She'll manipulate people into buying, and she won't sell them."
Me: " Wow.  You really think so?  How long was your interview with her."
HR: " Like 10 minutes.  But I can glean a lot from a person in ten minutes."
Me: " Really?  Glean? Are you Edward from the movie "Twilight"?"
HR: " Very funny.  I wish I could do that.  I love that movie.  But I don't love this candidate.  She's not the right fit."
Me: " And what's your basis for that judgement?  Because the sales rep and the sales manager liked her."
HR: " European background.  I'm not sure she understands the American work ethic.  They all get 8 weeks vacation over there you know.  It's a red flag. Too pretty and too European. We should pass on her."
Me: " Okay, yeah no, I'm going to move her forward in the process."


(It was a good thing I did move her forward because the candidate turned out to be a great management trainee)


Human Resources is really no longer about humans.  It is now more about the resource.  People have developed this field into a science, almost like geology, however here we are "mining" people.  In fact, Human Resources is a business major at many college and universities.   I guess technically it is now a science. Well trained Human Resource specialists are searching for a diamond in a pile of coal, or a nugget of gold surrounded by clumps of pyrite.  It is a difficult task and not everyone can do a good job of finding that "mother lode".  That's why during the Gold Rush not that many people got rich. It's a crap shoot.


Recently, I've been receiving a lot of calls from company recruiters. I find it ironic when HR recruiters from companies identify themselves to me as Talent Acquisition Specialists. What is this a theater company?  During an interview with one of these "talent acquisition specialists", I told him I wasn't a good dancer, as a joke, and he responded in a dead pan voice:
"You don't need that skill set for this position." I nearly dropped my phone  and the call!
Are you acquiring talent or are you just screening out what you determine as poor talent? It's hard to determine talent when your only interview is over the phone.  Would a movie director hire an actor without a screen test? Heck no!  I always do well on phone interviews, but can you really get an idea of how well a person will perform a job over a fiber optic network? 


I think the problem with Human Resource personnel is they see so many bad candidates that it's difficult for them to determine which one's are good anymore.  They spend so much of their days dealing with the negative aspects of business such as the firings, downsizing, disciplinary actions, that they can no longer "relate" to people. In fact, I would argue that they ostracized themselves so they can remain objective.


 HR employees cannot and will not empathize with employees because it's too painful for them on a personal level, and it would make their job that much more difficult if they saw a person sitting in front of them as more then a number.  This is a major problem in this field and why it needs a paradigm shift, especially in this economy.  With so many layoffs, firings, and dips in the economy more than ever we need to put a humane face of the science of Human Resources.  Let's put the H back into HR.


-M

Are You In The Right Profession FOR YOU?!

     “Why sales for God’s sake?”  This was my father’s first reaction when I told him that I was going to give up my life as a successful Service Manager, and venture into sales.  He saw it as a demotion, a step down, an end to my successful career.  I saw it as something different.  My perception was that it was “easy money”.  I found out pretty quickly that it is definitely not easy.  It can be “easy money” but it takes a long time, and a lot of experience, before you get to the point where this job is somewhat easy.  Seriously, it is a lot of hard work.  It doesn’t get easy until you’re established and that can take YEARS!

     And I know what you newbies are thinking, “He’s not me.  I’m better than him.  I’m gonna be the best and fast. Hell I’m already the best!”  It’s funny how right out of the gate new reps think they’ve got it down.  Well ask yourself this one question new girl/guy: “Can I handle pressure?”  Because that’s what sales is about: pressure.  Applying pressure, receiving pressure, the pressure of a number hanging over your head AT ALL TIMES.  The pressure to succeed in persuading people to your point of view, hourly, daily, monthly, yearly, knowing you’re only as good as your last sale.  It’s not easy and not everyone can sell.  It’s a unique profession, and one that is learned and earned. 

     So before you read any more posts, make sure YOU WANT TO BE IN SALES.  Don’t give me that ridiculous adage, “I’m good with people”. I hear that all the time in interviews.  “My friends told me I’m good with people so I should try sales.”   Every time I hear that from a candidate I want to lean over the desk and slap them upside the head.  But I can’t do this for obvious legal reasons.  This is an answer from someone who really doesn’t know what they want to do with their career.   A person, who is deferring a life changing choice to someone else.  Do you know who else is good with people: DOGS.  Dogs are great with people, in fact, dogs are better than you are with people.  But I won’t be buying my next car, cell phone, couch, computer, furniture, software, or any other consumable product from a dog.  Hopefully, I’ll be buying it from one of you.  

    If you're floundering in the sales profession and you're not happy, there's nothing wrong with doing something else.  In fact, I would recommend it.  Not everyone can sell, and that for me, is a good thing.

-M

Too cool for school: AKA "THE TOPPER"

We've all worked with one jackass or another that always has to top the story that you're telling with one of their own.  As if anything you do, they can do better.  Like Betty Hutton in "Annie Get Your Gun".  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WO23WBji_Z0&feature=related

    I love that video, but these people don't necessarily have to be colleagues either, they can be friends, classmates, or even relatives.  The worst ones are always going on about what they did, or who they saw.  It's just so annoying.  And with these types of people who are so into themselves, you should NEVER,NEVER,NEVER, confirm their friend request on facebook.  You are just asking for stupid updates every 5 minutes from them about what they're doing, where, they're going, etc.  Do I give a shit if you're at Starbucks or Coffee Bean?  NO!

    So I ran into an old colleague of mine from years back, he was actually interviewing for a position with the same company as I was interviewing. He was just sitting in the lobby when I walked in and registered for my own interview. He had always been a "Topper" and despite the 5 years in which we hadn't seen each other,  he was still exactly the same.  Full of shit.   As we sat in the lobby waiting for our respective H.R. interviewers he asked me what I was up to:

"I'm obviously working in medical sales the same as you."

" Oh right.  Yeah I'm killing it right now.  I'm making so much money it's crazy.  I'm only here because they're supposed to make me a great offer."

"Oh really?  That's great."

" Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'll get this job.", he said and the receptionist who was obviously listening looked over at us.

" Good for you.  How is Kim doing?", I asked referring to his fiancee, who assumed he had married, but this was years ago and I couldn't be sure.

" She's good.  I guess. We got divorced, but now I'm dating this super hot model chick.  Here's her picture.", he pulled out his wallet and showed me what looked to be a picture of Joanna Krupa but cut out from a magazine or ad.  I think I could even see the top of the caption, but I didn't say anything.

" That's who you're dating?  That looks like Joanna Krupa.  The famous lingerie model?" I said with an air of incredulity.

" Oh yeah she get's that a lot.  She's super hot huh?  Much hotter than Kim."
" I thought Kim seemed like a nice girl."

" She was nice.  But not the girl for me.  I'm going places so I need someone on my arm that makes me look good."

" Yeah sure I guess."

" Dude you're still the same.  Probably still married.", he said and then laughed.  As if being married was a joke or something. "You still driving a Honda?"

I kept trying to to think why was I even talking to this idiot?  This person who was obviously full of himself and full of crap.  Why waste my time?  But then I decided to mess with him.
"Nope.  I'm driving an Audi now.  It's my company car? What about you?"

" Really?  An Audi? My company car is a Porsche.  It's that grey one outside.", he seemed a bit irritated I had upgraded my means of transportation.

" I didn't see a Porsche outside when I pulled up?"

" Oh it's out there.  So are you still married?  How's that going?"

" Nope.  It was rough, but I got through it.  I'm dating someone right now.  Great girl but she travels a lot."

" My girl doesn't travel at all.  She's there for me whenever I need her.  Great girl. Great girl.  Ya got a picture of your lady?"

" No I don't sorry. But you've  probably seen her before, she's always on TV."

" What? Get outta here.  Seriously?  She an actress or something? Wait don't tell me. It's Betty White?", he said and laughed at his own joke.

" Awww, I don't want to talk it.", I said but I was stalling for time, since unlike him I didn't have a pre planned web of lies at my disposal.  So as I was trying to gather my thoughts, I saw a few magazines on the table and picked out the first girl I saw.  It was kind of a stretch, but I decided if he pushed me; I'd give him her name.  And naturally, he pushed.

" Oh what?!  You can't throw that out there and not tell me.  Who is she?"

" That's not important dude.  She's pretty famous, but a lot of people don't really like her."

" Your not gonna tell me?  Why not?  Don't hold out now."

" I'm a little embarrassed."

" Why is she ugly or something.  It's not that fat chick from Bridesmaids is it?"

" No it's not the funny girl from Bridesmaids.  And no she's not ugly. She's beautiful.  It's just she's not exactly my type, but I just met her at a party with a few friends and we hit it off."
As I said this, I could see it was driving him nuts, and he was planning his next move to trump my new girlfriend. 

" Your type? Your type?  Dude, you were married!  C'mon tell me.  I won't tell anyone."
" Alright her names Kim.  She recently got divorced and she was married to an NBA player."

His faced curled up for a moment, as if he was thinking very hard, and then I saw that he had an epiphany.

" Kim Kardashian?  Get the fuck outta here.", and as he said this the receptionist looked up. "Sorry.", he said just to not make him self look bad.

" Yep.  She's actually not as dumb as you think.  I was at a party in Glendale and I guess she grew up with these people and we started talking and she thinks I'm funny so..."

" No friggin way dude. Kim Kardashian!  You are messing with me."

" No I'm not dude.  I swear.  It's nothing serious though.   We just starting seeing each other.  3 or 4 dates is all."

" Wow!  Well we know how she is in bed.", he said and started to laugh.  I didn't get it, but then I remembered Kim Kardashian had a  sex tape.

" Oh right.", I said and chuckled.

    Just then both of our interviewers came into the lobby and introduce themselves.  I guess we were interviewing for 2 different divisions of the same company. We rose from our chairs, and I turned and shook his hand.

"  Good luck." , I said and smiled.

"  You too.  Kim Kardashian huh?", obviously he was perplexed and couldn't figure out how to top my new love interest.

" Yep." I said and smiled again. "Lucky me."

" Well c'mon M, she's not THAT hot.", he said, and I couldn't believe it.  He was gonna insult my new lady friend, and try to "top" me in the process.  So as we each started to follow our interviewers down the hall, and came to a fork in the hallway, I sent him a parting shot.

" Oh yes she is, and I can show you a REAL picture of her.", I said and then laughed.

He tried to say something but I just turned and walked down the hallway, knowing that I'd just topped... "The Topper".

Have a great day selling!

-M

Keep It In Perspective: Reality Check Please?

So many blogs, books, articles today focus on maintaining a positive attitude and this will help you to be successful. Napoleon Hill's, "Think and Grow Rich" is a perfect example of utilizing positive reinforcement to help you achieve your goals. What the book offers is insight into your beliefs to help you achieve your goals. But too many people are searching for this get rich quick scheme, especially in today's economy. I bet half the people who read it don't even finish the book, which is sad because it's a fascinating look at the world, although somewhat dated (1937).

I think one of the keys to Mr. Hill's success is that he wrote this book when there was nothing else out there to compete with it in the marketplace. He was a pioneer of the "Science of Success" and as a result he became rich. I think the book should be retitled "Write and Grow Rich."

In sales, as in life, there are often two schools of thought:

THE HAVES – This school is characterized by overly obsessive positive thinking. In other words not only is your glass half full, it seems, to you, that it’s almost full because you're ridiculously positive. You ALWAYS think the customer will buy from you, no matter what the circumstances. You don’t even drink coffee because you don’t need it. You are that pumped up to start your day. You'll visit the same customer 500 times because you're so certain that everyone will buy that you simply cannot give up. You have Successories posters all over your house, office, garage, and in your car. You listen to tapes in your car, not cd's: TAPES. Every morning you wake up, look in the mirror, and say, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it. People like me!"

Richard Simmons, Tony Robbins, and Stuart Smalley are your heroes.

Your school’s mascot – Tigger

THE HAVE NOTS – The opposite of "The Haves", where everything is someone else’s fault and through no fault of your own you suck at sales, life, and everything else. You have to overcome so much just to get the prospect to the table that it’s a miracle you get out of bed in the morning. You would be number one in your region if the stupid customers would just buy from you. Every customer to you is a potential asshole, and when they don't buy something from you, they are an even bigger asshole. You want desperately to be successful but can't stop listening to Goth music, and the Smiths long enough to go out on sales calls.

Marilyn Manson, Donnie Darko, Chicken Little, and Debbie Downer are your heroes.

The school’s mascot – Eeyore.

Several different authors have perceptions about why people are successful and why they are not. You are not interested in those people. You should be interested in what will make you successful and only you. Because each snowflake is different, so is each level of personal success. Why the hell would you care if a rep in Poughkeepsie is number one. Care about yourself and your numbers and keep it in perspective.

Don't be so positive thinking that you waste your time with customers who will never buy because that, in itself, is pathetic. You're not perfect and not everyone will buy no matter what all the books tell you. I read one book which recommended that you should never read the newspaper or watch television. Why? Because it's depressing...great advice ,let's just block out all reality. Books tell you to never let a negative thought creep into your reality because then you're entire psyche will tumble like a house of cards. C'mon are you that weak? NO! Realize that not everyone loves you and there are times when you "fish" or "cut bait"

In contrast, don't be so morose that you would depress the customers. Have you ever been around one of those people that just looks at every thing that is negative in the world, because they're unhappy with their life? I had an associate who used to be an Intensive Care Unit nurse and so she had a slightly warped perspective on life. She had been around death for the last 10 years so she didn't know how to turn that switch off. On one of my very first sales calls with her, she started talking about her friend's battle with breast cancer. I felt bad for her friend but this was not the time to be discussing the issue, and she brought it up while we were discussing something like bariatric beds. The contact emailed me the very next day not to bring her around anymore because she was TOO DEPRESSING.

As a rep your job is to get people excited about your products and services, not ruin their day. So stay positive in the call, because you want people excited to see you, not running away from you. It's all about your perspective. Stay positive, but stay realistic, and you'll do fine.

Have a great day selling!

-M

Beware of the Bullshit

I have been pursuing an account for almost 8 months now, and I am getting great feedback and almost no orders. I have great rapport with everyone in the place! Hell I even know the janitor's first name for god's sake. But still no orders.

So today, I decided I was going to find out from the doctors, the nurses, the night watchman, why the hell there were no orders coming from this account. I held an in service (for the 6th time), demonstrated our products...AGAIN. And finally ask if they had any questions. As usual they said no. So I responded as follows:

"No one has any questions at all? Well I have a question for all of you."

Every one's eyes just kind turned up from the food they were eating. I had their attention...finally.

"Do guy's believe anything I'm saying about these products or do you think. Pardon my French. That it's all just bullshit. That they don't actually work?", and I said this without a smile. Just to see their reactions.

Everyone was shocked. But they had no problems speaking up.

"Wow. Uh that's awkward. Way to spoil our lunch M.", said one of the nurses.

I was not deterred. "Well, listen I like to come here and chat, but if you guys don't believe in the product, I can't force you to use it. I could be the best salesman in the world but if you don't like it then why buy it."

" We don't buy it because we don't like it. And frankly I don't like this line of questioning.", said the doctor.

"Finally!", I said, "Some feedback." and then I smiled. "Thank you doc. What don't you like about it."

"It's not as pliable or malleable as you say it is. It doesn't conform the way we want it to.", he answered.

"Okay that's all I wanted to hear. I just couldn't understand why no one told me that before.", was my response.

"Because we like you, and like having you come around. You're funny.", answered another nurse.

"Thanks. But if I'm not helping you then I'm not doing my job. In reference to the product you mentioned doc. We have a line of that product that is thicker and more absorbent and you might try that one. Just give it a shot on a patient and see what happens."

"Alright, I will. But don't get mad at me if I don't like it."

"Doc, I can't get mad about that. It's a matter of personal choice. I just am happy I found out why you weren't ordering. It makes me feel so much better to know the reason, then just be in limbo. Thanks for letting me know."

"No problem. Can we eat now.", he said and then started to laugh.

"One more question." I said and they all looked at me with disapproving eyes.

"Can you validate my parking?", and the whole room burst out into laughter.

I would rather a person be honest with me and tell me why they don't want to buy, then drag it out. As a salesperson until we hear the word "NO", we always hold out hope we'll make the sale. But if the prospect never says no, we just keep coming back for more. As long as we haven't been rejected, we feel like we've got a shot. It's like that scene from the movie "Dumb and Dumber"
When Lloyd is told he has a one in a million shot to date his dream girl Mary.

His response, "So you're telling me there's a chance!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=KX5jNnDMfxA

Don't be a Lloyd and hang on when your chances are one in a million. MOVE ON!

My First Time

I never wanted to be a sales person. In fact, my dad explained to me that sales people were simply “evil”. They would lie, cheat, poison, drug, or do anything they could to their clients to make a sale. Since my dad dealt mainly with car sales people, and insurance sales reps, I think his perception of sales people was somewhat jaded. Even though the reps might have been completely honest with him, his philosophy was , “Never trust a salesman. They’re the lowest form of person on the planet.” So for me to even be writing about the sales profession, is indeed remarkable.

When I was younger,(much younger),and sales people would visit our house, I would leave because I was afraid their dishonesty and sinfulness would somehow infect me. They always drove nice cars, and lived in nice houses, but I had always perceived they acquired these things by selling their souls, or the souls of their children, to the devil

Or maybe they were stealing and selling organs, or worse yet babies, on the black market. I never actually thought they were people. My parents had turned my perception of sales people upside down, and I never really envisioned them as leading normal lives. Playing with their kids, taking them to school, saving for their college tuition…normal stuff. I assumed they were more like vampires, werewolves, or worse!-CEO’s!. Sucking the life blood out of everyone they came in contact with. If you looked into their eyes they would suck the life right out of you.
So when I decided to take the plunge and become a full time sales person it was after years of working in a sales and service capacity. I was basically selling myself, and the service I provided. I WAS the company to my customers, and I found that if I was nice, cordial, and sociable, people liked me and bought a great deal of my company’s product. Even though I was simply providing a service they spoke with me at length, and by developing a relationship they purchased products from me, LOTS OF PRODUCTS. Even though it seemed like “easy money”, I never could bring myself to just sell. I didn’t have the confidence in my sales ability to simply walk into a business, and solicit my products and services. It made me uncomfortable, and I felt “pushy”. Just the kind of sales person my father would hate to meet. I was reluctant to say the least, to go out and see customers without so much as a phone call. So a “cold call” was one of my biggest fears.

The first time I went out in the field with a rep, was a lot of fun, but also a pain in the ass. I already had plenty of experience in servicing people but very little experience selling. The rep who was “training” me, drove around and around and around, looking for the ideal neighborhood to stop and cold call customers. We must’ve drove in 5 different areas, and for roughly 2 hours before I finally said, “If you don’t stop the car, I think I’ll kill myself.”

“I’’m looking for the right place to cold call.”, he responded and simply continued driving.

“To me it looks like your just wasting time. We could’ve call on 20 people by now. Do we really need to keep driving around trying to find the perfect place. Is there a perfect place to cold call?”, I just wanted out of the car.

“ Okay if it’s so easy smart guy, let’s go here. This’ll be your very first cold call. “,and then he paused for a moment, looked at me and said “EVER! No pressure though.”

Then he chuckled and pulled the car over in an industrial area where there were warehouses everwhere. Every different business was represented, so I felt happy since we were pushing bathroom products at the time.

“Okay big man. Here’s the brochure, you got your cards, and I’ll be right behind you. Now keep in mind not everyone is going to be nice. So don’t push too hard for the appointment, just try to get info and then we can call them to set an appointment if we need to.”

“Whatever. I know what I’m doing. I think I got it.”, I was way too cocky.

“Okay Mr. Know It All. I’ll be right with you to help out if something goes wrong.”, He was being way too nice.

“ I got this, I’ll be fine. Piece of cake.” I responded with false confidence. This was my first, but not my only mistake.

I saw a group of businesses all in an industrial complex, and figured if I was going to start selling this would be a good place. The complex was clean, one of those newer ones, with lots of buildings and suites set up to cater to businesses. It was extremely industrial but looked vibrant. As if all the businesses were bursting with activity. I walked into the first place I saw, not paying any attention to the sign overhead or the “No Solicitors” on the door, and recognized an older, gruff looking gentlemen behind the counter.

“Hi I’m M, from Fill In the Blank Company . Are you the owner?”, I said and extended my hand for him shake.

He looked down at my hand as if it were disfigured or covered with some infectious disease and responded in a loud and irritated tone of voice, “Whatever the f3$@k you’re selling I ain’t buying sorry.”

I knew exactly how to respond to his tone. I had experienced almost 7 minutes of extensive training on how to handle this objection. “I’m not selling anything, I just want to leave this brochure and call you later to make an appointment.” And I thrust my brochure towards him.

“Heh are you deaf? I’m not buying anything. So don’t try to give me your stupid brochure, I’m just gonna throw it in the trash.”, he said and looked again at my hand as if trying to discern if it were real or not.

Again, I knew how to handle this one, and I had experienced almost 8 ½ minutes of training on how to handle this second objection.

“Sir I’m not trying to sell you anything. Just want to show you what we have to offer, at another time. Are you available later this week? Do mornings or afternoons work better for you?”

“ Listen a-hole, do I have to call the cops. You people keep coming in here every couple months, trying to talk to me about how you’re going to help my business, and improve my productivity, and I can still be in charge of this and that. It’s all BS. Now take your stupid flyer and get outta here!”, and as he said this he took the flyer from my hand and threw it on the ground. At this point I felt completely insulted.

“No need to be rude. I’ll just take my brochure and leave. You should learn manners”, I said forcefully, but politely.

“I’m rude?! I’m rude?! Hey stupid, can’t you read the sign out front and the one behind me? I’m your competitor! I can’t believe you Fill In the Blank bigwigs have the balls to come in here and try to buy my business. Now get the f#$@k outta here!”, his eyes were red with anger and dismay at my audacity. He pointed at the sign behind the counter. It read, “Cal Kleen Restroom Products and Services since 1959”.

My jaw dropped. I tried to mutter something in response but all that came out was, “Since 1959 huh?”

In embarrassment I turned and rushed out the door. My fellow rep was already ahead of me, rushing back to the car.
As we each opened our car door he looked at me and said, “I thought that went well. Didn’t you?”, and then he nearly died laughing!

That was my first cold call. Quite impressive I must say. I mean how could it get any worse? But I learned a number of valuable lessons that day. The most important being never to take myself too seriously. How could I after that fiasco. But I learned and tried over and over again to practice my techniques and develop my skills as a sales rep. And believe it or not, I got better.
Since, that time I have been living and working in a number of different industries, and I’ve heard hundreds of funny stories related to Sales and more specifically to sales people. I’ve met some wonderful people throughout my career(s), and I’ve met some real a-holes. Mostly the people in charge were the a-holes but on occasion, I would have a great boss, with a great attitude. Good boss, bad boss, it didn’t matter they all had some Sales story they wanted to share with me.

However one thing that I’ve noted in all the time I’ve been involved in Sales and the Sales process, this is a FUNNY business! In fact, it’s so funny, I thought it would make a great blog. Now there are a few people who I’ve come in contact with, who will read this blog and say, “Heh that sounds like my story!”. That’s what’s great about sales, is that we can all relate to each one of these sales tales, and derive something good from them. And I don’t doubt that any one of these could be YOUR story, but I’m writing mostly from my experience and the experience of a few other friends. Either way, I hope you enjoy these stories and they bring you as much joy reading them, as they did for me writing them.

Absurdly yours,

-M

Professional Jealousy

We all go through this , although none of us will admit to it. You have a friend, in sales, in service, in management, in whatever... You both have the same type of job, but suddenly they're having a great year and you're doing okay, but you're not #1. This sucks! Especially if you're used to being ahead of that person year after year. And more specifically if you're a competitive person, this is especially painful. Here' a tip though...let it go.

You can't always win, I'm sorry. And if you think you can, then you're dead wrong, it's an impossibility. Teams, people, they invariably lose at some point. So just accept the fact that you may not be the best every single day, but you're in it for the long haul. And be careful what you wish for because it may not always be the best thing for you.

Years and years and years ago, I was doing very well with a company running a team of 12 people and we were kicking ass! I was young, on the fast track, and my friend was on his way out. He was cantankerous, had no college degree, and really no future, because he fought with management all the time. Now keep in mind, he was a smart guy, and right most of the time, but he couldn't get over the "college degree" hurdle. I told him, "Go at night and get one. Any idiot can earn a degree. Look at me! I have two!"(This is true by the way)

So he did get his college degree. Pretty soon he was in a management role and quickly he rose in the company to a General Manager. Sooner than me! I was pissed...I complained about it to my wife, "Why did I tell him to get that degree? That bastard got the job I wanted! I hate him. " Just basically whining all the way to number 1 in the region but still mad I wasn't promoted before him. I had the numbers to support it, but people don't always look at the numbers. So there I was, jealous, angry, and bitter at my friend for getting promoted before me. Why? Because I thought he had what I wanted...and then we had a little chat at lunch.

"Damn Bill, I can't believe you're a GM now. You're making all the cash. It must be great!" (You little bastard you stole my job even though your numbers are worse. This is bullshit)

" You'd think so huh. But I bet I make only $10 hour based on how much I work, and I'm always at the office. My wife hates me, my kids hate me. It's not all it's cracked up to be. I never see my family."

"Really? Why don't you delegate all that work. Take it easy! You're the boss remember?" (He's saying this to make me feel better. Patronizing me...bastard)

"It's a lot of responsibility. I can't sleep some nights wondering if I'll get fired. There's too much to control...it's hard. And you can't delegate everything because some people just don't perform the way you want to all the time."

"That doesn't sound so great now that I think about it. And to think, I wanted that job." (Maybe he's being sincere, this doesn't sound so great. He's still a bastard though)

"Yeah well you can have it...and the stomach pains I've been getting because of it. It's not that great being a manager dude. Stay where you're at. It's better."

"Thanks for the advice. Maybe I will." (He's bullshitting me)

Of course I didn't listen to him, and soon I was promoted and we were suffering together in the same GM role, working our butts off, for little or no thanks. We were both doing well, and I wasn't jealous at all. I knew he was going through the same crap I was, and he had a family to worry about. I let it go, and I didn't have any ulcers, no sleepless nights, none of that. Cause I only focused on what I could control. The jealousy was gone and soon so was Bill. They "eliminated" his position. He was number 1 in the country in growth and they downsized him out. Thank you! Big mistake...he went on to be the VP at their competition, and kicked their butts!

If you have a friend, a partner, or anyone who's doing well give them a pat on the back. Keep in mind those accolades don't always last that long, and don't get jealous, don't get angry, just go make money and be happy with what you have. Focus only on what you can control and the rest will take care of itself.


-M
-M

Weekly Quotes from Nick Handy

ATTITUDE: The greatest discovery of any sales manager, is that if a sales person is producing they have a good attitude and if they're not, they have a bad attitude and need to be fired.

LinkedIn

I don't know how many of you are on this site, but it's a great resource for jobs, people you worked with and lost touch with, and to see what's going on in the market place. I've been on here for a few years now and I don't visit this site as often as I do my Facebook page, but then again who does? If you're looking to network online in the business world, or find a job, this is a wonderful site with a few exceptions:

1.)Requests from people you never liked: I still get request to get connected to people who are complete assholes. The type of people that if they could do anything to gain an advantage, even if it's unethical, they will do it. The kind of person whom everyone knows is an asshole but still gets ahead. When I get these requests I cringe and then ignore them. Those people are now someone else's problem not mine.

2.) Connect with a boss you hated: Isn't it funny how horrible bosses have no clue how bad they are and try to reconnect with you later on. I remember after I transferred to a new company, mainly because my general manager was a complete idiot, that same manager tried to connect with me on LinkedIn to come back and work for him. When I said to him, "I think I f#$king quit" wasn't that a clue that I didn't want to work with him anymore? How stupid can a person be? And what's ironic is that same boss sent his resume, after he was fired, to my new company and cited me as a reference. And his resume was filled with spelling errors! Yeah I wanna hitch my wagon to that train.

3.) Get messages from people in countries/cities you've never heard of: I understand the market place has gone international but that's really in relation to the computer industry and the tech market place, not necessarily medical devices. I will get random messages to connect with people in Latvia and Sri Lanka to Kuala Lumpur. People who will assist with my Internet marketing. I have no idea if they can help and I don't want to establish an online connection if I can't actually meet the person. I'm "old school" like that...I wanna see who I'm working with.

4. Receive random solicitations from old colleagues looking for jobs: I always feel bad when I get these messages because there's often not a lot I can do for the person. I don't work as a manager anymore, and chances are if I did, I would have contacted them already. Nowadays, with many people having a difficult time, I feel for the people who are out of work, and even worse because I can't help them. These connections just depress me.

5.) Random messages from people in companies that have obviously taken your online data from some place and are direct marketing you:  I'm not sure you're aware but all of your online cookies transaction, or just about anything you do online is available to THOUSANDS OF COMPANIES! This is no joke. If you think you're information is secure, you're kidding yourself. I received a Viagra message from some rep working at a medical supply company. I don't need Viagra, but I guess they thought for some reason I could use a prescription.  Thanks for the encouragement?
I am serious about the information exchanges...your information is shared every time you visit a site. It's kind of frightening.

So even if you have a job or don't have a job, check out LinkedIn and reconnect with old colleagues, get annoyed with people you don't want to connect with, look for jobs you want, and enjoy the endless trail of messages from people trying to get you to buy Viagra. Have a good day selling.

-M

Weekly Quotes by Nick Handy

Again in keeping with all the crap we have to deal with on a daily basis, here is this weeks quote of the week from our freelance supporter Nick Handy.

SERVICE: Service is very important to every sales person in an organization. And more importantly, it's the people you bitch about when you're customers complain they didn't get their product. Suck up to Service cause if you don't; your screwed.

Weekly Quotes by Nick Handy

Every sales blog,sales magazine, and sales book usually contains famous quotes by some notable speaker on the subject. However this one doesn't. Because let's face it, we don't really utilize that crap out in the field. It's strictly for meetings and for motivation. It's something we tack on the end of our Power Point presentations to impress the boss or the customer. So we've decided to start our own Weekly Quotes. They might not seem as inspirational as some of the other quotes, but you might like them.

"Teamwork: Teamwork is when a group of people stops being a bunch of selfish bastards just long enough to get something done. That can be anything from completing a lunar landing to eating a pizza."

Smile for God's Sake

I don't know if any of you have heard of the theory of "Physical Reciprocity", but it is based on the concept that whatever type of facial expression or mood you convey to a person they have a tendency to reciprocate the same expression(s) or mood.

We experience this everyday. Waiting in line at the grocery store, or even getting a coffee. You see someone who is in a good mood smiling, laughing, and you think:

"I really like him/her! They seem really nice."

Of course this could be feigned behavior and the person might be a total asshole, but your perception of them is reality. And if you perceive them to be good then to you they are good. In addition if someone is not smiling, is just like a robot, and shows no emotion or expression, this can turn people off. You think:

"What a jerk! He didn't even look up when I was talking to him." Even though that person might be wonderful and just having a bad day. Again perception is reality.

In fact this happened to me just last week. I went with a coworker to get a coffee at Starbucks and the girl who waited on us was a very pretty young girl but she didn't smile once. She didn't act like a jerk, or wasn't rude, she just never smiled.

She simply said, "What can I get you?"

And then took our orders and didn't make the slightest effort to smile back when I smiled at her. She probably thought I was some disgusting older man. Who knows? But as soon as we got our coffee the person I was with said,

"Some one either hates their job or is a total bitch."

"Or they need their morning coffee.", I answered which got a chuckle.

" That person is depressing me, and she's bringing down the place.", was my partner's response. "I'd like to throw some hot coffee in her face. Maybe that would get a reaction."

It almost made you want to leave the coffee shop because the counter person was terribly blase with every customer. The two of us kept watching to see if her demeanor would change, and it didn't. We decided to stay a while to watch her interact with the other customers and check out their reactions.

As the customers approached she would say the same thing over and over:

"How can I help you?"

But the way she said it made it sound almost painful to her, as if she really meant:
"I'm way too cool for this job but I need it and I have take your stupid order, so what'll it be loser?"

Most of the people who ordered either had a negative reaction or they just ignored her sour puss. But the point was that this one person, the LEAD person in the shop, was bringing down the mood in the place. Killing the "Starbucks Vibe", which is why most people go to Starbucks and not to Coffee Bean. I had to leave and get my partner out of there before she strangled this person.

Armed with this information, I decided to try a few cold calls where I didn't smile when I greeted the person at the front desk,or the nurse at her station. It was just an experiment to monitor people's reaction to a different approach. Boy was that a bad idea! I didn't get excited, I didn't smile, but I wasn't rude. I was just there, as if I had to be there and didn't want to be there. However the reactions I got were not good from the gatekeepers:

"We don't want anything you're selling", or "Give me your information and I'll have them call you." Which means "As soon as you leave I'm throwing this crap in the garbage".

At times I recovered by smiling quickly thereafter, but it was a real struggle to get them back to looking favorably upon my visit.

I know it's silly and a very simple thing to do, but even if you're having a bad week, when you're in the field, always SMILE. It starts every call out in the right way -POSITIVE. Who knows, you'll probably get a smile in return, and maybe even a sale. Instead of an angry customer wanting to throw coffee in your face.

-Good Luck and Good Selling

M

The "Milker"

There are clients/customers/potential customers who just "milk" sales reps for freebies and attention. They want a number of things but to buy from you they don't want to do. Yet they won't ever tell you! Certain training seminars identify these people as the "Amiable Type". Really? By amiable they don't want to upset you by saying "no". They'd rather string you along and keep you thinking they're gonna buy something from you because they don't want to hurt your feelings.

That's Amiable? More like asinine. I hate this type of customer.

They contact you for a number of reasons:

1.)They're hungry - "You know I've been considering your proposal and I figure let's have lunch and discuss it some more."

2.)Their staff is hungry - "I think my staff needs a demonstration of your products. When can you come by and do an in service with lunch? They loved the salad you brought last time."

3.)They're lonely - "I was wondering if you could come by today, do you have anything planned because my schedule is free."

4.)Their staff is lonely - "One of my staff just broke up with their girlfriend/boyfriend, why don't you come by I'd like you to meet him/her."

5.)They're confused or just stupid - "I understand that your product's better and it's cheaper, but I just don't know if I wanna make that change. It's a big commitment."

6.)They just want to ogle you (that pertains more to female reps than male ones)- "Is that a new outfit? It looks great on you. Did you get your hair cut?"

7.)They want to use you to get their current supplier to lower price, provide better service, etc. - "Is that really the best you can do on the price. Because _________ company is offering their product for a much cheaper price. What can you do for me?"

I can't even count how many presentations I've done for people who literally have no intention of buying anything from me and don't want to tell me. To me it's unethical for them to do this, but they're taught it makes them good business people to "work over" reps. This is a common business practice especially amongst Purchasing Agents, Supply Chain Managers, and Small Business Owners. The person who came up with this concept of "using" representatives should be forced to experienced the same frustration which reps suffer. This practice is disrespectful and just plain wrong. I once had a purchasing manager tell me that my price was still too high when I could read the proposal from my competitor that the idiot had left sitting on his desk. I could see we were beating their price by 15%. He said, "Are we gonna continue to play this little game? Just come down on the price and the business is yours."

My response, "No we're not going to continue to play this game. That's my price, it's a fair price and thank you for your time. We'll be in touch. I appreciated your time today." He called a week later and said the other company's offer was too good. I'm sure he worked them over by showing our proposal.

If you have a "milker" just walk away and find another customer or prospect. It's not worth your effort, your time, and more importantly the frustration. Because you're worth it and they're not.

-M

Why People Don't Like the Gym

For years I've been going to the gym, to relieve stress, and stay in shape. My family has a history of high blood pressure and to avoid the same physical issues, I try to work out at least every other day. However, I really don't like the whole gym experience. And after speaking to a bunch of friends and fellow sales reps, I now understand why P90X and other home workout DVDs are so popular. People don't really enjoy going to the gym. And here's a few reasons why:

1. The Smells - No matter what you do, the smell in a crowded gym can be utterly disgusting. Personally, I like the smell of stale sweat because it reminds me I am going to put in a good work out. However quite often it doesn't smell like stale sweat, it smells like stale vegetables, or in some gyms, I picture wheels of cheese sweating on treadmills. In addition, some of the worst aromas are those of the other patrons. Guys and girls wearing cologne or perfume to the gym? Really? This isn't a night club and it isn't the 1980's. I don't see Jamie Lee Curtis around trying to be "Perfect". Lose the cologne "Romeo".

And there's nothing like getting on a machine after a guy who hasn't bathed in a year uses it. It literally smells like an unchanged kitty litter box. (Why would I know what this smells like?) I literally have to disinfect the every part of it before I start my workout. Or sometimes I just don't use that machine at all.

One time, I started to get on a machine and it smelled like the person must've had an "accident", or farted after getting off the machine. "Thanks for the gift, fellow gym member" =)

2. The Muscle Heads - You see these guys at every gym, especially like a Golds Gym or private gym. And now they're even more popular because of shows like "The Jersey Shore". They're the meatheads who work out daily, drink protein shakes, and generally make a lot of noise while they're working out. They check themselves out in the mirror a lot, and always, always, always, drop the weight so every one can see how much they're lifting. They have loads of "bacne", their hair is blown out or their head is shaved, they have lots of bad tatoos (DC Logo on their arm), and sometimes they even have a little groupie girl with them who's just as "swoll", but she has more facial hair then any member of their clan.

One time at my gym I went to use a weight machine after one of these guys and he was grunting loudly because he was pushing a lot of weight. I didn't change the weight and did my reps quickly. After I got off he said, "Wow you press that much? We should work out sometime?"

I responded and loudly, "Sorry dude, I can't hear anything with these headphones on. Have a good workout."

I never want to be a contributing member of that club.

3. The Pick Up Guy - There are usually a few of these at every gym. And these dudes are the reason a lot of women hate going to the gym. For some reason no one ever gave these guys the memo that it's a gym not a bar. And since the women are sober there is no chance they even want to talk to you, let alone drop their digits in a your hand. But these men are persistent. I have two of these guys in my gym and one day I forgot my headphones so I was overheard one of these dudes making his "play" for a pretty girl while I was on the elliptical. The two of them were stretching in front of me in this open area near the machines.

Pick Up Guy - "Do you mind if I use that mat next to you?"
Pretty Girl - "No not at all"
Pick Up Guy - "I'm come here all the time. I never seen you here before?"
Pretty Girl - "Oh I just moved here from Texas."
Pick Up Guy - "Really? That's quite a move. Are you a model or an actress."
Pretty Girl - "Oh I just moved here to go to school."
Pick Up Guy - "Nice. It's just you're so beautiful I thought you had to be a model."
Pretty Girl - "Well thank you I'm not. But that's very nice of you to say."
Pick Up Guy - "Well I hope you like it here. I have once question to ask you, did it hurt. "
Pretty Girl - "Did what hurt? My workout?"
Pick Up Guy - "No. Did it hurt when you fell from heaven. Cause you look like an angel." (At this point I am laughing out loud)
Pretty Girl - "Hahaha. Uh yeah that's awkward...Uh I'm gonna go work out now."
Pick Up Guy - "Okay. See you around."

Now I know why women don't like the gym. All that testosterone floating around someone is bound to hit on you even if you're wearing headphones, an overcoat, and a ski mask. The Pick Up Guy will always find you and make his pass.

4. The Fit Cougar - These are usually recently divorced older ladies who probably met there ex-husband in a gym and are looking for fresh "meat". They are always wearing make up, not a lot, but enough to attract a Muscle Head, or the Pick Up Guy, to their watering hole. They are in really great shape, and generally are just there to meet their next date/victim. Sometimes this species even has a little playmate with them, a younger dude who is in good shape but probably social inept. He hooks up with Cougars because he can't get anyone else,and for a Cougar he's easy prey.

These ladies are single and ready to wrestle not mingle. And they are very protective of their territory. They hiss at the younger girls who get near their machines. And if you pass by them, they might just purr at you to attract your attention. I try to avoid them but the Pick Up Guy and Muscle Head love these ladies.

5. The Overly Enthusiastic Trainer - These people are in such good shape and so "pumped" it makes you ill. They push everyone really hard to be in the best shape of their lives and everybody in the gym has to hear it. The other day I was wearing my headphones and cranking a Nine Inch Nails song and I could still hear the trainer barking out the reps for a Fit Cougar. If I can hear someone over headphones that's just too loud. I wish these people would tone it down just a bit. They're training one person, or a class, not the whole gym.

This is all I have time for today. More in the next post. Have a good day selling!

-M

" I'm Out To Lunch "

I get so frustrated some times with this job, especially when dealing with small accounts. It's the small accounts that I find the most difficult to deal with in most sales jobs. Why? Because they have a lot of the same things in common:

1.) They're cheap-These people would recycle toilet paper if it would save them money.
2.) They think they should be treated like a big account - Why do the little guys/girls always think they matter more to you than your sanity?
3.) They're cheap - They eat dinner at Rescue Missions because they're too cheap to buy food.
4.) The owner has stayed in business by "nickel and diming" vendors - These are the type of people that clean up at yard sales. "Heh I'll give you a dollar for that dining room set."
5.) They're cheap - They own a Rollex watch they got from "my guy", not an actual Rolex.
6.) The owners usually have this over inflated self worth - These people always think they're the shit. They may not boast, they may not brag, but believe me, they think they're better than any "cheap salesperson". To them you're dirt.

So today, on the recommendation of a fellow customer, I go into this "establishment", for the 3rd time, hoping to set up an appointment with the Director of Nursing. Mind you, this is a place that deals with one of my biggest customers who are recommending that I help educate their staff. I'm not going to receive very many sales from this place, but I'm going there to improve the relationship with on of my largest accounts.

Now keep in mind I have been there on two other occasions, made two phone calls and sent an email to this person to set an appointment. And I have received no response. I walk in for the 3rd time and as usual, there is an empty reception desk in the front room and so I venture towards the back of the office. A man named "Jack" approaches me as if I'm a representative from a government agency trying to shut him down. He looks scared.

"Uh how can I help you sir?", he asks.

" Oh my name is M, and I'm with __________", I respond and hand him my card. He reads the card and his expression changes almost immediately. He looks relieved at first, and then irritated.
"I'm here to see Joan. Michelle from __________recommended I set up an educational luncheon for the staff.", I state matter of factly.

He still looks irritated, " Oh wait here. ", he says and then walks into an office with an large window and an open door. I can see everything happening through the large window. He whispers to a woman, who looks at me then at the card and then at me again.

"Tell him I'm at lunch.", she says to him, clearly audible to me. He comes out of her office, walks over to me, and hands me back my card.

"She's at lunch.", he says.

" Yeah I heard.", is my response. "I'm sorry but ___________, has asked me to come on their behalf to offer an educational luncheon for the staff. Who do I set that up through anyway?", I asked.

"Joan of course.", he answers as if I'm stupid for asking that question.

" I said I'm at lunch." , Joan shouts from her office.

" Okay " I answer loud enough for her to hear.

"She's at lunch", Jack says to me, still looking put out by my visit, "You need to call first. You can't just drop by the office."

" I've been by 2 times before and I have called, and I've left an email. Here's my card just tell her to call me if she feels like it. Otherwise I'll stop wasting both my time and hers. ", I said and this time I was a little irritated.

" I'm at lunch!", Joan shouts again from the office as if I should leave because she's shouting at me now. I ignore her completely and focus on Jack.

" Well, you should call first.", Jack said again repeating himself and sounding like an idiot.

"Right, you said that already and I told you I did call on several occasions. Look I'm only doing this for every one's benefit. So tell her to call if she wants to, otherwise tell her to enjoy her lunch."

He stepped back for minute looked at me, kind of surprised by my response and just said, "Uh okay."

"I'm still eating lunch!", Joan shouted again and I could see directly into her office where she was looking at a computer and nibbling on a carrot stick.

" Got it!", I shouted back and I turned to leave. As I was about to walk out the door, I don't know why I said this, but I mumbled to myself, "I hope you choke on it."

" What was that?", Jack asked me, knowing I had said something sarcastic.

"Have a nice day." I said, smiled and walked out the door.

I never went back, I never called, I never emailed that account again. If a customer isn't willing to return your phone calls, or even set an appointment after 3 tries, they're out. Time for me "Cut bait" and go fishing elsewhere. A salesperson's time is way too valuable to waste.

-M

"Dr. Would You Like a Mint?"

In any type of sales whether it be medical, financial, auto parts, or copier sales, you come across some people who have questionable hygiene practices. People who might brush their teeth with "buffalo chips", bathe in vinegar, or perhaps use mozzarella as under arm deodorant. People who make it difficult for you to stand near them let alone have a detailed conversation about their needs.

A few months back I was attending a symposium and one of the keynote speakers stopped by our little table to discuss some of our products. The other rep who was there began speaking with him and I listened in for a few seconds and then caught a whiff of his breath, which made my eyes water. My partner was far braver than I and hung in there to discuss how our products could help his patients. I stood, at a distance, and waited for her defense to wither and when I saw her wobble a bit, I stepped in again and faced the fetid storm. However, I had a strategy.

As the doctor spoke about his practice and what he was doing, I tried to breathe through my mouth instead of my nose. This seemed to work, and for a time I was able to carry on a conversation with him, but on occasion I would catch the scent of rotting vegetables emanating from his mouth as he spoke. I thought to myself, "Did he eat a shit sandwich for lunch?" But I carried onward because he was a very reputable doctor in his field, and he liked our products. Finally, I got some relief from my sales partner, who after rummaging through her purse, stepped in to relieve me.

"I need a mint strip, heh M, you want a mint strip?", she asked me, holding out the package and hoping I would say yes and the doctor would follow suit.

"Oh yeah thanks. I think there were too many onions in that sandwich at lunch.", I said and laughed to relieve the awkwardness of the moment. I took the mint and popped it in my mouth while she did the same. Then came her cue:

"Doctor do you want one?", she asked.

" No thanks.", he answered.

But she persisted, "Ya sure?", she said, "They just melt in your mouth. Try one.", she said and held out the package while both of us waited anxiously for him to accept.

"No that's okay thank you anyway.", he answered and my partner turned to look at me in shock. Why would someone refuse a mint strip? He must be allergic to nice smelling breath.

So we continued on with our conversation, taking turns talking to the doctor and facing the onslaught of his blasts of bad breath. We were like partners in a wrestling match, slapping hands and "tagging" each other as we jumped in and out of the ring. I wanted to grab the mint strips and jam them down his throat every time he spoke, but I maintained my composure. After what seem like a long period of time, I couldn't take it anymore.

"Doctor, how about we set up a time to meet you in your office next week. That would give us an opportunity to meet with your staff as well.", trying to end the conversation so that he would move on to the next table.

" Next week, oh that wouldn't be so good. How about the week after.", and as he said the word "after", I thought I saw a wisp of smoke emanating from his mouth.

" The week after is perfect. Let's say Tuesday the 19th at 10 am?", I responded just trying to keep vision from blurring and preparing for his response.

" That's good. Very good. I anxious to have the other doctors in my office learn more about your products. They've worked very well for me."

" Great!" , my partner responded and each of us shook the doctor's hand.

Just as he started to move to the next table he turned around and said, "Do you still have any of those mint strips left? Maybe I'll try one. My mouth is kind of dry.", he said to my partner.

" Sure doc. Here take the whole pack, I got plenty.", she added and smiled.

" Wow. Thanks!", he said, smiled, and moved on.

I turned to her and said, "You realize you just saved some one's life don't you? "
She looked at me, " What? How so?"

" Are you kidding me? The mint strips? All the other vendors here should be thanking you because that doc's breath was a killer."

She laughed so loud everyone turned around, but she was truly a Life Saver.

-M

The Annual Sales Meeting Part II

I haven't posted for a while but it's weird I've actually been out selling products! Isn't that amazing? Heh we all gotta pay the mortgage, or in some cases we gotta pay the mortgage, the car payment, tuition, food, groceries, etc. You get the idea.

Well to continue on with the National Sales Meeting Part II... after speaking to a few fellow reps, I found that these people are pretty much "staples" at sales meetings as well:

Weight Lifter Guy - It seems there's always one over bloated, or "swoll" guy at a National Sales Meeting. He talks about how much he can bench press and he's always eating Clif Bars, and snacking on anything with protein in it. He wants to maintain his "adverse reaction to a bee sting" like appearances for the ladies to admire. I think the problem is that most ladies don't admire this look...and so nothing ever happens for this dude. Whether he's single and wants to mingle or married, he's usually at the gym, or consoling himself with protein shakes, but most of the time he's by himself because people don't wanna hear how much you can squat. (I apologize for the assumed disgusting image now in your head)

The "I Was Robbed!" Salesperson - Each year there's always a sales rep, be it a man or woman, who thinks they got robbed for an award. You hear them complaining before, during, and after the awards ceremony. They bitch continuously and it really is annoying. "Well I had more growth in my territory than she did! Where's my award?", or they say things like, "Technically, his boss gave him that last account in November, but I was leading the whole year so I think I should get the award."

Hey loser. I have news for you - YOU LOST. GET OVER IT! I love winning just as much as Charlie Sheen but give me a break with the drunken lament. You didn't win an award, so friggin what? Who cares, there's always next year. Stop whining and start winning. By the end of the night after a few beers you feel like punching this person in the head just to shut them up.

The "Snitch" - There is always one sales rep at meetings who is like Cindy Brady and turns in everybody. He/She is listening in on conversations, spying on reps who are "hooking up", and reporting back to her manager all the things happening that are not in line with corporate policy. They also try to draw you into their little web by throwing out phrases like, "Did you hear what Rob said about Joe our CEO?....Do you agree with what he said? Joe can be a pain sometimes?"

Oh no you don't traitor...don't try to draw me into your little game. This person is like the "paparazzi" of the meeting too. They have a camera and are taking pictures of people getting far too drunk and then showing them the next morning to managers. They have a few drinks, talk shit, and generally don't know how to have a good time. They're too obsessed with their careers to actually enjoy life.

Strip Club Guys - These guys you won't see at every sales meeting because at times they're extremely covert and they don't want to get fired. But they are there, lurking in the shadows. They usually wait til everyone else has gone to bed and then they hit you up and see if you wanna go to a strip club. Or secretly they already checked online to see where the closest club is located. They're well organized and secretive because they don't want to get caught.

Believe me there are a lot of these reps, bosses, and even managers at National Meetings. They're usually married, or in some type of repressive relationship and the only time they get to see a "different" woman naked is at a strip club. And if you ever go out with them, they go absolutely crazy! They rubbed their faces in the girls chests, get lap dances for hours, and spend all their hard earned commissions getting all worked up over a woman they can't have. My favorite line ever from a fellow rep who coaxed me in to going out to eat and then an hour later we're at a strip club is this, "I think this girl really likes me?"

My response, "She's a stripper you ass. She's supposed to make you think she likes you. If you bought me drinks all night and stuffed money in my pants I'd give you a lap dance too. "

The Smart Sales Rep - Oddly enough these reps are in the minority at National Sales Meetings. They're the "goody-goody" reps. The reps who don't drink, don't smoke, and really don't even socialize. They write down everything, keep to themselves, say all the customary things, and don't leave their hotel rooms at night. They usually are responsible, call they're wife/husband and kids, and go to bed early so they can study for the next day's material. They're genuine and really good people. I usually find that I admire their focus and determination, but I also find them to be extremely BORING. Conversations with these reps usually put me to sleep and I find that most of they're jokes and humor come from kid shows like "Sponge Bob Square Pants" or they sing "Wiggles" songs.

"Wow, did you just quote Ernie from Sesame Street?"

These reps need to get out and live a little. It'd do them some good.

-M

The Annual National Sales Meeting

For all the time I've been in sales nothing has been more beloved or more dreaded as the National Sales Meeting. Some people absolutely love these meetings while most hate having to take almost a full week away from friends and family to mix with people you like but also people you are competing with on an annual basis. One things for sure there are always a few key fixtures at the national sales meeting:

The Sleazy Guy - In sales there are always people that are so full of themselves that they think they can bring home a girl every night of the week. And probably some of them can, but never a respectable woman. At every sales meeting there's some horny bastard talking about this hot rep or that hot rep and how he'd like to bang her and what he would do to her if he got her back to "my pleasure dome". Really dude? Save that for your buddies who believe that crap and please keep it in your pants. And what's funny is when they aren't able to keep it in their pants and they finally do get to fulfill there sleazy fantasies, they usually end up getting fired. These guys aren't too bright. Watch out for this guy ladies he's usually wearing a lot of cologne and has a lot of cheesy lines like, "Were you're parents retarded? Cause you're special.". Sorry, I just threw up in my mouth as I wrote that.

The Sleazy Girl - Every annual meeting has a sleazy girl as well.  And sometimes it might be the same sleazy girl for 3 or 4 meetings in a row. You never know what's going on with this person. Sometimes they're married and just looking for a discreet short affair, or other times they're just sleazy. Typically they are known as the "Woo Hoo" girl or "Holla" girl. They know every pop song and can dance like a stripper even without a pole. They go down on every guy on the dance floor imitating fellatio and then they usually follow through on the fantasy after a few Appletinis and some shots of tequila. At one national sales meeting I literally watched a girl do 10 shots of tequila turn to me and say "I'm gonna fu#$ your brains out!", and then she started rubbing her thighs, as if she'd just finished a Thigh Master workout. She did it right in front of everyone, including her boss! My response, "No you're not Mrs. Patron. You're going to bed or you're going to pass out, or you're going to pick up an STD. But not from me!."

The "Look At Me" Sale Rep - Everyone hates this rep. This is the person that is so starved for attention they have to try to be the first one to answer a question, they have to speak up at every turn, and they have to share their nuggets of wisdom whenever they can, even without their opinion being solicited. Even the Sleazy Guy and Sleazy Girl  hate this rep. It can be a man or a woman, this doesn't matter. What matters is they talk out of turn, try to challenge every speaker, and basically want everyone to notice how great they are. Well they're not great: in fact, THEY SUCK.

The Drunken Manager - There is always one of these at an annual meeting. Sometimes it's even the CEO or the Vice President. A lot of times these people are wound so tight that when they let off steam they could literally power a locomotive. They usually are tanked every night and telling you, "I love you man...you're great', even though they just met you five minutes ago. They are always overly touch feely and this pertains to both guys and girls, and it gets uncomfortable, especially when they have their hands on your genitals.

The Corporate "I Used to Be In Sales" Person - Sales reps never want to hear from a corporate officer/marketing/anything person that they used to be a great sales rep. We don't want the Alec Baldwin speech from "Glengary Glenross" that they could make $10,000 dollars tonight with the same leads you have right now. First of all, it's total bullshit, and secondly there is a reason you're not in sales anymore, you don't want to be in sales, so leave it to us. I don't want to hear about how great you were, I want to hear about how great your going to make me and the rest of the sales team. Unless you're gonna be supportive, "SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE!"

I've got to say that I'm at an annual sales meeting and I've only run into a few of these characters this year. But hey, I've still got 2 days left! I'll update y'all at the end of the week.

-M

Why Are You Wasting My Time Doctor?

Yesterday afternoon I had an appointment that I anticipated would take me an hour to get to with traffic so I left early and fortunately arrive early. I had about a half an hour to kill, so I googled a couple of doctors and found one right next door to my appointment. That was my first mistake of the day.

My second mistake was actually cold calling on the doctor. I walked into the office and there was a nice older receptionist behind a glass window and approached cautiously. Older ladies can be the sweetest people in the world, or bitter old hags who are the worst gatekeepers. The latter acting as if there Secret Service agents for the doctor and would take a bullet for him/her if they were forced to, let alone allow a sales rep in the door. As I approached she looked up and smiled.
"Hi I'm M with ________, I know the doctors busy, but I just wanted to leave my card, some information and call for an appointment. Is there certain days the doctor visits with reps."
"Oh that's a unique name? Who named you that?" obviously she was slowly entering senility.
"Uhmmm...my parents? They drank a lot.", I said and cracked a smile. She laughed.
"Obviously because you're Irish.", she responded and laughed again. "Well he doesn't normally see reps, but I'll ask."
Now this strategy can work in your favor or backfire in your face. I've had people come out and be as pleasant as pie, and then I've had other people come out and start yelling at me for bothering their staff. I tried to take the high road here and avoid a confrontation.
"No. No. That's quite alright I know some doctors don't like to meet right away and I don't wish to bother him while he's with a patient."
"Oh he's not with any patients right now.", she said, and I should have run out of the office at that point. How does a doctor not have any patients in the middle of the afternoon. Usually, it's because they're not good doctors.
"No. No. No. That's quite alright. No need I'll just be on my way.", I said, but she was apparently deaf too cause she turned around and walked straight into the doctors office. There was some muffled grumbling and then she came out and closed the door.
"He'll see you in a few minutes. Can I get you anything?" she was one of the nice older ladies.
"No I'm fine. Thank you."
"I have a question for you young man.", she said and I wondered where this was going.
"Sure go ahead. Ask away."
"Are you a good speller?", I had no idea what this meant but decided to play along with her little ruse. I was certain now she was entering senility.
"Sure I guess so."
"Can you spell spot?", again I wondered where this was going. I thought maybe this was a dirty joke or something completely inappropriate so I played along further.
"S-P-O-T"
" Very good. Now what do you do when you come to a green light?"
" I stop.", I said and then realized that was the wrong answer.
" No you don't. At a green light?", she said and giggled, "Do you see what I did there?"
I had to admit that was interesting. I had probably just made her day, "Oh yes I see. I didn't see that one coming.", I said and laughed. It was true, I had been played by a a senile little old lady like a violin.
"Try that one on your friends. It's a hoot.", she said and laughed, "I'm off to lunch now; have a good time with the doctor."
"Thank you."

So there I sat watching a television with Game Show Network blaring about some game called "21" with an over the hill child actor as the host. He was well past his childhood years as to be almost unrecognizable. He shouted at the contestants and they shouted back, and I wondered who the hell watched this crap. There is a whole network out there devoted to just Game Shows. Does it make any money? It would be okay if the shows were any good, but this one was lame. I watch and waited til the doctor game bursting out of the door holding one of the marketing pieces I gave to his receptionist.

"Okay what do you do and what do you sell I don't have a lot of time.", he said in booming voice. I guess for all of the patients out on the street because there were none in his office. He was a tall, bald man, probably in his late 60's and he had a huge bandage on the top of his head. I tried to avoid staring at the bandage but it was impossible. He wore a scrub top with jeans and he sat down next to me and started in on my products.

"What does this do?" he said and pointed to a product. I explained the features and benefits and he dismissed them immediately.
"Aww hell I don't even do that kind of stuff anymore.What else do you have"
I started to ask him what kind of work he did do, and he blew off my question.
"Awww no you don't. You're trying to trick me into buying something. I know how this works. I'm no dummy. I've been doing this for 40 years."
" Really. You don't look that old doctor.", he actually looked very old, with his bald head and large bandage and scrubs. I wasn't even sure he was a doctor, he could have been mistaken for an escaped mental patient. Right then I wanted to leave, because you can tell when a doctor is just bored and wants to test your knowledge but doesn't want to buy anything. In fact, he just wants to talk.
"Well I don't want to waste your time then doctor, so if you're not interested just keep the form and if you need anything call our office."
"What? That's it? You're not even gonna "detail" me?", he was so familiar with the language of reps that he used the word "detail" to describe our question and answer session. "Detail" for me is a stupid term. When I sell you it's a conversation, a dialogue. I'm not here to buff your tires.
"Wait sit. Here let me show you a few of my patients.", he said and pulled out an Iphone. I was shocked. Usually older doctors abhor technology. But this guy had a nice I phone and plenty of pictures. He showed me one patient he had healed, "with none of that fancy stuff people use nowadays". And then he started showing me pictures of girls.
"Here's one of my patients"he said and held up a picture of Morgan Fairchild. I acted shocked and amazed.
"Wow it's amazing how she never gets older", I said and she didn't look older at all. I grew up watching Morgan Fairchild on some really bad tv shows and she never seemed to age. It really was creepy.
"It's collagen injections. All the older ladies get them. It's all about the collagen. Ya wanna know how to tell a woman is older. Look at her hands. She may look 20 but her hands will tell you she's 40. Or in her case 60."
"She's 60?!"
" Yep. But she never reveals her age to anyone. Ya wanna know how I can tell...her hands."
" Well that's fascinating doctor, now I have to get going just wanted to chat for a bit. Thanks."
" What? Wait wait. Here's another one of my patients." , he said and help up his phone with a picture of Joan Collins. And my first thought was, "how many 80's television stars does he treat?" And as he showed me more pictures, I just realized he was lonely and had no patients to see. So he decided to waste my time and have a little fun with me. I looked at a few more pictures and then stood up.
"I really do have to go. But thanks for sharing all that information."
"It seems like I did all the selling.", he said.
"You did. And you did a great job.", I responded and laughed a little bit just to put him at ease.
"Maybe you should take me with you?", he said with a little bit of sarcasm and seriousness, as if to say, "I'm bored out of my mind."
"No doctor. You're better off right where you're at. Thanks and have a good day."
"Come back anytime." he said, shook my hand and headed back to his office.

Yeah, I won't be going back there anytime soon, or probably at all. And wouldn't you know it. He made me late for my appointment. I learned a few things on this call:

1.) Doctors are not always "busy".
2.) Better to be impolite and on time for your appointment then polite and late.
3.) There's a lot of older television stars getting collagen injections. Hell there's a lot of young television stars getting collagen injections!

Have a good day selling!

-M