Yesterday afternoon I had an appointment that I anticipated would take me an hour to get to with traffic so I left early and fortunately arrive early. I had about a half an hour to kill, so I googled a couple of doctors and found one right next door to my appointment. That was my first mistake of the day.
My second mistake was actually cold calling on the doctor. I walked into the office and there was a nice older receptionist behind a glass window and approached cautiously. Older ladies can be the sweetest people in the world, or bitter old hags who are the worst gatekeepers. The latter acting as if there Secret Service agents for the doctor and would take a bullet for him/her if they were forced to, let alone allow a sales rep in the door. As I approached she looked up and smiled.
"Hi I'm M with ________, I know the doctors busy, but I just wanted to leave my card, some information and call for an appointment. Is there certain days the doctor visits with reps."
"Oh that's a unique name? Who named you that?" obviously she was slowly entering senility.
"Uhmmm...my parents? They drank a lot.", I said and cracked a smile. She laughed.
"Obviously because you're Irish.", she responded and laughed again. "Well he doesn't normally see reps, but I'll ask."
Now this strategy can work in your favor or backfire in your face. I've had people come out and be as pleasant as pie, and then I've had other people come out and start yelling at me for bothering their staff. I tried to take the high road here and avoid a confrontation.
"No. No. That's quite alright I know some doctors don't like to meet right away and I don't wish to bother him while he's with a patient."
"Oh he's not with any patients right now.", she said, and I should have run out of the office at that point. How does a doctor not have any patients in the middle of the afternoon. Usually, it's because they're not good doctors.
"No. No. No. That's quite alright. No need I'll just be on my way.", I said, but she was apparently deaf too cause she turned around and walked straight into the doctors office. There was some muffled grumbling and then she came out and closed the door.
"He'll see you in a few minutes. Can I get you anything?" she was one of the nice older ladies.
"No I'm fine. Thank you."
"I have a question for you young man.", she said and I wondered where this was going.
"Sure go ahead. Ask away."
"Are you a good speller?", I had no idea what this meant but decided to play along with her little ruse. I was certain now she was entering senility.
"Sure I guess so."
"Can you spell spot?", again I wondered where this was going. I thought maybe this was a dirty joke or something completely inappropriate so I played along further.
"S-P-O-T"
" Very good. Now what do you do when you come to a green light?"
" I stop.", I said and then realized that was the wrong answer.
" No you don't. At a green light?", she said and giggled, "Do you see what I did there?"
I had to admit that was interesting. I had probably just made her day, "Oh yes I see. I didn't see that one coming.", I said and laughed. It was true, I had been played by a a senile little old lady like a violin.
"Try that one on your friends. It's a hoot.", she said and laughed, "I'm off to lunch now; have a good time with the doctor."
"Thank you."
So there I sat watching a television with Game Show Network blaring about some game called "21" with an over the hill child actor as the host. He was well past his childhood years as to be almost unrecognizable. He shouted at the contestants and they shouted back, and I wondered who the hell watched this crap. There is a whole network out there devoted to just Game Shows. Does it make any money? It would be okay if the shows were any good, but this one was lame. I watch and waited til the doctor game bursting out of the door holding one of the marketing pieces I gave to his receptionist.
"Okay what do you do and what do you sell I don't have a lot of time.", he said in booming voice. I guess for all of the patients out on the street because there were none in his office. He was a tall, bald man, probably in his late 60's and he had a huge bandage on the top of his head. I tried to avoid staring at the bandage but it was impossible. He wore a scrub top with jeans and he sat down next to me and started in on my products.
"What does this do?" he said and pointed to a product. I explained the features and benefits and he dismissed them immediately.
"Aww hell I don't even do that kind of stuff anymore.What else do you have"
I started to ask him what kind of work he did do, and he blew off my question.
"Awww no you don't. You're trying to trick me into buying something. I know how this works. I'm no dummy. I've been doing this for 40 years."
" Really. You don't look that old doctor.", he actually looked very old, with his bald head and large bandage and scrubs. I wasn't even sure he was a doctor, he could have been mistaken for an escaped mental patient. Right then I wanted to leave, because you can tell when a doctor is just bored and wants to test your knowledge but doesn't want to buy anything. In fact, he just wants to talk.
"Well I don't want to waste your time then doctor, so if you're not interested just keep the form and if you need anything call our office."
"What? That's it? You're not even gonna "detail" me?", he was so familiar with the language of reps that he used the word "detail" to describe our question and answer session. "Detail" for me is a stupid term. When I sell you it's a conversation, a dialogue. I'm not here to buff your tires.
"Wait sit. Here let me show you a few of my patients.", he said and pulled out an Iphone. I was shocked. Usually older doctors abhor technology. But this guy had a nice I phone and plenty of pictures. He showed me one patient he had healed, "with none of that fancy stuff people use nowadays". And then he started showing me pictures of girls.
"Here's one of my patients"he said and held up a picture of Morgan Fairchild. I acted shocked and amazed.
"Wow it's amazing how she never gets older", I said and she didn't look older at all. I grew up watching Morgan Fairchild on some really bad tv shows and she never seemed to age. It really was creepy.
"It's collagen injections. All the older ladies get them. It's all about the collagen. Ya wanna know how to tell a woman is older. Look at her hands. She may look 20 but her hands will tell you she's 40. Or in her case 60."
"She's 60?!"
" Yep. But she never reveals her age to anyone. Ya wanna know how I can tell...her hands."
" Well that's fascinating doctor, now I have to get going just wanted to chat for a bit. Thanks."
" What? Wait wait. Here's another one of my patients." , he said and help up his phone with a picture of Joan Collins. And my first thought was, "how many 80's television stars does he treat?" And as he showed me more pictures, I just realized he was lonely and had no patients to see. So he decided to waste my time and have a little fun with me. I looked at a few more pictures and then stood up.
"I really do have to go. But thanks for sharing all that information."
"It seems like I did all the selling.", he said.
"You did. And you did a great job.", I responded and laughed a little bit just to put him at ease.
"Maybe you should take me with you?", he said with a little bit of sarcasm and seriousness, as if to say, "I'm bored out of my mind."
"No doctor. You're better off right where you're at. Thanks and have a good day."
"Come back anytime." he said, shook my hand and headed back to his office.
Yeah, I won't be going back there anytime soon, or probably at all. And wouldn't you know it. He made me late for my appointment. I learned a few things on this call:
1.) Doctors are not always "busy".
2.) Better to be impolite and on time for your appointment then polite and late.
3.) There's a lot of older television stars getting collagen injections. Hell there's a lot of young television stars getting collagen injections!
Have a good day selling!
-M
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