Why Are You Wasting My Time Doctor?

Yesterday afternoon I had an appointment that I anticipated would take me an hour to get to with traffic so I left early and fortunately arrive early. I had about a half an hour to kill, so I googled a couple of doctors and found one right next door to my appointment. That was my first mistake of the day.

My second mistake was actually cold calling on the doctor. I walked into the office and there was a nice older receptionist behind a glass window and approached cautiously. Older ladies can be the sweetest people in the world, or bitter old hags who are the worst gatekeepers. The latter acting as if there Secret Service agents for the doctor and would take a bullet for him/her if they were forced to, let alone allow a sales rep in the door. As I approached she looked up and smiled.
"Hi I'm M with ________, I know the doctors busy, but I just wanted to leave my card, some information and call for an appointment. Is there certain days the doctor visits with reps."
"Oh that's a unique name? Who named you that?" obviously she was slowly entering senility.
"Uhmmm...my parents? They drank a lot.", I said and cracked a smile. She laughed.
"Obviously because you're Irish.", she responded and laughed again. "Well he doesn't normally see reps, but I'll ask."
Now this strategy can work in your favor or backfire in your face. I've had people come out and be as pleasant as pie, and then I've had other people come out and start yelling at me for bothering their staff. I tried to take the high road here and avoid a confrontation.
"No. No. That's quite alright I know some doctors don't like to meet right away and I don't wish to bother him while he's with a patient."
"Oh he's not with any patients right now.", she said, and I should have run out of the office at that point. How does a doctor not have any patients in the middle of the afternoon. Usually, it's because they're not good doctors.
"No. No. No. That's quite alright. No need I'll just be on my way.", I said, but she was apparently deaf too cause she turned around and walked straight into the doctors office. There was some muffled grumbling and then she came out and closed the door.
"He'll see you in a few minutes. Can I get you anything?" she was one of the nice older ladies.
"No I'm fine. Thank you."
"I have a question for you young man.", she said and I wondered where this was going.
"Sure go ahead. Ask away."
"Are you a good speller?", I had no idea what this meant but decided to play along with her little ruse. I was certain now she was entering senility.
"Sure I guess so."
"Can you spell spot?", again I wondered where this was going. I thought maybe this was a dirty joke or something completely inappropriate so I played along further.
"S-P-O-T"
" Very good. Now what do you do when you come to a green light?"
" I stop.", I said and then realized that was the wrong answer.
" No you don't. At a green light?", she said and giggled, "Do you see what I did there?"
I had to admit that was interesting. I had probably just made her day, "Oh yes I see. I didn't see that one coming.", I said and laughed. It was true, I had been played by a a senile little old lady like a violin.
"Try that one on your friends. It's a hoot.", she said and laughed, "I'm off to lunch now; have a good time with the doctor."
"Thank you."

So there I sat watching a television with Game Show Network blaring about some game called "21" with an over the hill child actor as the host. He was well past his childhood years as to be almost unrecognizable. He shouted at the contestants and they shouted back, and I wondered who the hell watched this crap. There is a whole network out there devoted to just Game Shows. Does it make any money? It would be okay if the shows were any good, but this one was lame. I watch and waited til the doctor game bursting out of the door holding one of the marketing pieces I gave to his receptionist.

"Okay what do you do and what do you sell I don't have a lot of time.", he said in booming voice. I guess for all of the patients out on the street because there were none in his office. He was a tall, bald man, probably in his late 60's and he had a huge bandage on the top of his head. I tried to avoid staring at the bandage but it was impossible. He wore a scrub top with jeans and he sat down next to me and started in on my products.

"What does this do?" he said and pointed to a product. I explained the features and benefits and he dismissed them immediately.
"Aww hell I don't even do that kind of stuff anymore.What else do you have"
I started to ask him what kind of work he did do, and he blew off my question.
"Awww no you don't. You're trying to trick me into buying something. I know how this works. I'm no dummy. I've been doing this for 40 years."
" Really. You don't look that old doctor.", he actually looked very old, with his bald head and large bandage and scrubs. I wasn't even sure he was a doctor, he could have been mistaken for an escaped mental patient. Right then I wanted to leave, because you can tell when a doctor is just bored and wants to test your knowledge but doesn't want to buy anything. In fact, he just wants to talk.
"Well I don't want to waste your time then doctor, so if you're not interested just keep the form and if you need anything call our office."
"What? That's it? You're not even gonna "detail" me?", he was so familiar with the language of reps that he used the word "detail" to describe our question and answer session. "Detail" for me is a stupid term. When I sell you it's a conversation, a dialogue. I'm not here to buff your tires.
"Wait sit. Here let me show you a few of my patients.", he said and pulled out an Iphone. I was shocked. Usually older doctors abhor technology. But this guy had a nice I phone and plenty of pictures. He showed me one patient he had healed, "with none of that fancy stuff people use nowadays". And then he started showing me pictures of girls.
"Here's one of my patients"he said and held up a picture of Morgan Fairchild. I acted shocked and amazed.
"Wow it's amazing how she never gets older", I said and she didn't look older at all. I grew up watching Morgan Fairchild on some really bad tv shows and she never seemed to age. It really was creepy.
"It's collagen injections. All the older ladies get them. It's all about the collagen. Ya wanna know how to tell a woman is older. Look at her hands. She may look 20 but her hands will tell you she's 40. Or in her case 60."
"She's 60?!"
" Yep. But she never reveals her age to anyone. Ya wanna know how I can tell...her hands."
" Well that's fascinating doctor, now I have to get going just wanted to chat for a bit. Thanks."
" What? Wait wait. Here's another one of my patients." , he said and help up his phone with a picture of Joan Collins. And my first thought was, "how many 80's television stars does he treat?" And as he showed me more pictures, I just realized he was lonely and had no patients to see. So he decided to waste my time and have a little fun with me. I looked at a few more pictures and then stood up.
"I really do have to go. But thanks for sharing all that information."
"It seems like I did all the selling.", he said.
"You did. And you did a great job.", I responded and laughed a little bit just to put him at ease.
"Maybe you should take me with you?", he said with a little bit of sarcasm and seriousness, as if to say, "I'm bored out of my mind."
"No doctor. You're better off right where you're at. Thanks and have a good day."
"Come back anytime." he said, shook my hand and headed back to his office.

Yeah, I won't be going back there anytime soon, or probably at all. And wouldn't you know it. He made me late for my appointment. I learned a few things on this call:

1.) Doctors are not always "busy".
2.) Better to be impolite and on time for your appointment then polite and late.
3.) There's a lot of older television stars getting collagen injections. Hell there's a lot of young television stars getting collagen injections!

Have a good day selling!

-M

Dear Non Sales Diary - Short by Humorous Excerpt

PLEASE DON'T READ THIS IF YOU ARE OFFENDED BY SEXUAL CONTENT OR ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 18.

Years ago I asked a girlfriend to write out everything she wanted in a man. This is what she came up with:
“You must be confident, honest, artistic, kind, funny, loyal, independent thinker, have the capability for introspection, sociable, unconventional, be able to see through people’s bs, individualistic , romantic but not overly romantic, do rather than say what you’re going to do, enjoy life to the fullest in good times and bad times, show perserverance, care about others, mature , but still young at heart. “
“Really? Those are all your requirements?”
“No not all of them...”
“What other requirements do you have?”
“You have to have a big penis too.”
“Well no guy is gonna meet all those requirements”
“Well than I’ll just settle for a big penis.”
“You’re a total slut.”
“You knew this already.”
“So when are we breaking up? Because you realize I don’t meet any of your requirements.”
“Effective immediately.”
That was one short relationship for the books. Have a good day! See ya!

-M

5 Not Jobs in the "New Economy"

Now before I get a bunch of comments from people who actually do these jobs, I just want to state that this is my preference not to perform these tasks. In addition in order for me to get a bunch a comments that would also require a bunch of followers of which I have....wait for it....2. And they don't comment so here were go! These are jobs that despite desperate conditions in our "New Economy", I could not perform, even inadequately.

5.) Porn Star "Fluffer"- In spite of my physical appearance, I'm not sure I could get either women or gay men who star in porn "aroused". First of all, if I took off my shirt, the ivory complexion of my skin is far too brilliant for most people to look at without Blu Blocker Sunglasses, and so they might go blind, but would not be "turned on". In addition, if I had to talk to them, that would make it difficult as well because I have been told I'm a better lover with my mouth closed. And lastly, I don't like gay porn that much, so I just wouldn't be that motivated, and I'm sure the porn stars wouldn't be either.

4.) Male Prostitute - Although I've been told many times that I have the "goods" to be a great male prostitute, I've never thought this job would be appealing. And by "goods", I believe they meant I am a man, and I have genitalia, nothing more...literally. The show "Hung" on HBO has done a wonderful job of romanticizing this type of employment because in it the lead character is a part time male prostitute. And as a prostitute he seems to sleep with the most beautiful women in Detroit where the show is set. Are there really that many good looking, wealthy, women in Detroit? The reality is that most of the time your sleeping with someone who is not attractive, not good in bed, and probably asking you to do things like barking like a dog, or putting things in places there not supposed to go. "You want me to do what with the Gouda?". I say if this is offered to you - pass

3.) Sewing Machine Operator - This is one of the jobs that has been listed for a long time as one of the worst jobs in history. Since the 1910's, garment workers have been used and abused by factory owners and nowadays it is no different. If you go to Vernon CA, the heart of the garment district in Los Angeles, you'll see hundreds of illegal immigrants,from various countries, working in below minimum wage jobs to help support their families either overseas or in Latin America. I couldn't do this job for a variety of reasons, but number one - I'm tall, geeky, and I look like an American so if you're an owner, operating outside the guidelines of the labor laws, you probably wouldn't want to hire me. Secondly I have big hands and I can't thread a needle very well, and lastly the only thing I've ever helped to sew was a crushed velour sweat suit for myself when I was a kid. It was purple and it was so cool...for Prince, or a 70 year old!

2.) Cowboy - Although this job seems romantic and incredibly appealing it is a lot of work for very little pay. Cowboys are not as well compensated as some people might think and the loneliness of the trail is not for me. Who wants to be riding for days or months on end with nothing but men? Unless you're a gay porn "fluffer" this job does not sound that appealing. Oh yeah you get to commune with nature all day long, and bond with other guys but after a week, I would be wanting to just stop on a Monday night, pick up a bottle of wine, and watch the "Bachelor" (God I'm so glad Brad sent Michelle home). Moreover, I'm bowlegged and riding a horse would probably enhance this condition so I wouldn't want to end my days walking around like Ron Artest. John Wayne made this job seem incredible but it's lost it's luster for me.

1.) Janitorial Service for a Strip Club - I've cleaned bathrooms since I was a kid. That was my daily chore as part of a big family. And when I was a partner in nightclub I cleaned the bathrooms daily because no one else would and we couldn't afford a cleaning service. But I could not do this job. I worked in the linen industry for a while and we handled a chain of strip clubs, and the things I would see early in the morning would completely gross me out. In my current job, I see bodily fluids in hospitals all day, but in a strip club it's a different story. People in hospitals don't want to share there bodily fluids with other people, it's just a by product of their conditions. However in strip clubs there's fluid flying everywhere; sweat, blood, semen...you get the picture. Some strip clubs double as whore houses so this is a great place to involuntarily pick up some disease as well, or run into celebrities like Nicolas Cage or Charlie Sheen. Yes this did happen to me once in a club in North Hollywood but neither of the guys was carrying a briefcase full of cocaine. But that's a story for another post. The pay is low, the lighting's low, and you never know what you're gonna pick up off the floor: I'll pass on this one.

If you can handle any one of these jobs, more power to you, but I would pass on all of these positions, and just brush up my Career Builder resume. Have a great day and be thankful for what you have and for what you do!

-M

"You're Scaring Me"

I was just reminded of this story the other day by a colleague and we were discussing psychotic sales reps. You know, the kind of person that someone recommended to work in sales because they're a "people person". What the hell does that mean anyway? Aren't we all "people persons" since we deal with people all day, everyday. Strippers are probably the best "people persons" I know, cause they deal with drooling men on a daily basis and they allow access to various parts of their bodies as well. They foster the most intimate relationships on the planet, so wouldn't they make great sales reps? Hell no.

Just because you can relate to people and understand what they're trying to say, doesn't make you a good sales rep. It makes you a good listener. Bartenders are good listeners, teachers are good listeners, therapists are good listeners. But this doesn't mean they're qualified to work in sales. You have to have a few more than just good presentation and good listening skills to work in sales. First of all, you have to have a little common sense.

For example, I worked as a sales manager for years. And I had my fair share of good and bad reps, but I also had some weird ones as well. And yes, sometimes I hired them, and sometimes I didn't, but believe me there are a lot of strange people out there who call themselves sales reps. And one of the strangest was this woman I didn't hire, but met at a regional sales training conference one year. Her name was Nancy.

Nancy was in her 2nd year of sales with this company I had just been hired to manage. How she got through the first year I'll never know. Probably, because she was attractive, and they saw potential in her looks, but not her abilities. Remember, you can be the most beautiful woman in the world, but that doesn't mean you can sell anything. Believe it or not, there is some skill involved in the sales process, and Nancy was lacking in this department. Namely, she was timid, and didn't speak well. She was former elementary school teacher who her friends encouraged her to try sales because she was a "people person". So here was Nancy in her second year, and this was one of my first regional meetings with this new company. I was new to the company but they felt compelled to have me run the meeting. Probably because they wanted me to impress them, and partially because they were too lazy to organize it themselves. So to start the meeting I asked all of the representatives to tailor a presentation that showed both their personal and professional goals and I asked them to tie the two goals together. Because for me, it was important that my team see their professional goals as a means of achieving there personal goals as well. They had a week to prepare their presentations and I thought this would be both informative and fun.

So, I started the meeting, and I wanted to have each sales rep, guide us through a 10-15 minute presentation on how they would achieve their goals, both professionally and personally. We had 30 reps in the region so this would fill the 1st day of a 3 day seminar. It would take all day for everyone to present, so I just sat back with the other managers and we evaluated our sales force. Some of the presentations were very good, with PowerPoint slides and handouts, while others clearly lacked creativity or were just poorly presented. However Nancy's presentation was not lacking in creativity. In fact, it was incredibly creative, so much so , that it scared me.

For her afternoon presentation, Nancy brought in a number of visual aids, or presentation tools. A few of them, I was unfamiliar with and had never seen used in the field. I was expecting her to use her credibility binder, but instead she brought a blanket, family photos, and candles. I understood the need for family photos, obviously she was tying in her personal goals and her family was important. Why she had candles and a blanket I didn't know, but she soon made all of us aware of her intentions.

She went to the center of the room, moved some chairs, and asked for help in laying down her blanket. A few of the other reps helped her spread out this enormous blanket in the center of our conference room. On the blanket she placed framed photos of her loved ones along with the candles, which she laid out in circular fashion. When she was finished she asked, "Can someone turn down the lights or turn them off please?" Anxious to see what she was going to do next, one of the other managers, ran to the light switch and dimmed the overhead lights. As he did so, the crowd fell hush. She had everyone's attention in the room.

One by one, she lit the candles, until she had surrounded herself in light and she lay on the blanket. I presumed she had learned this technique of presentation in her coven, and she thought the effect would transfer well to the corporate world. There were so many lit candles I was concerned for two reasons. Reason number one, is the fire alarm was going to go off because she has lit more candles than you'd find on an elderly persons birthday cake. Reason number two, is she going to be burned alive while she is presenting. As I was mulling over both potential catastrophies, Nancy picked up one of the pictures and said,

"I know that I am a good person. I know that you are all good people. So why do we have to label ourselves with a number? Is a sales number that important that we lose sight of the fact that we are here to support our children?", and as she said this she held up a picture of one of her kids.

"I love my kids and I will do anything to support them, and I will try hard to hit my quota. But if I don't hit my quota does this make me a bad person? No! I am a good person whether I hit my number or not. So don't judge me on what I do but, rather who I am." She held her arms straight out holding the picture frame as if she were trying to give it to someone, anyone, everyone, in the room.

"This is my son Conner. He's 6 and I'm here to support him and his sister." She then picked up another photo frame and held it out with a picture of a little girl, "This is Christie and I am here working and supporting her too. She doesn't care about a number, and neither does Conner so why should any of you? "

"I will work hard and try to reach my goal, but deep down, I know that even if I'm not successful, I still have my family to love and help me be a better person. " She said this and then walked out of the circle and over to a small "boom box", she had positioned on a table. She pressed a button and the song, "It's a Beautiful Day" started playing rather loudly in the conference room, and as the lyrics started, I noticed that Nancy was singing along with the song!

We were all enthralled.

"It's a beautiful day! Hope I'm not a hopeless case. Touch me....", she sang loudly and with conviction. It was riveting to see this person going through all this production just to explain why she didn't want to be linked to a number. As the song continued she started to improvise lyrics, "I know I'm not just a number.", and "The quota's are set, there's no way we can turn them around. But I'm gonna get set to make them when I get down.", and then she did a semi dance move and through her arms in the air. I looked around the room at all he gaping mouths from the other reps. At least what I perceived as gaping mouths in a darkened room. We all were in shock and as she began to wrap up her performance, Nancy moved lightly back to her "circle of life" and then spun around twice and slowly lowered herself down to the ground in time with the music as it slowly faded. There was a moment of silence as if someone's career had just ended.

And then, thunderous applause from our Vice President, who obviously had a crush on Nancy,

"That's what I'm talking about people! Now that's creative! We all need to be more like that. Way to put your heart into it Nancy!" All of us began clapping as well, loudly, mimicking the idiot who would soon be fired for promoting the use of obvious fire hazards during sales presentations. It was obvious they were sleeping together or perhaps he was just so old he couldn't see her performance in that darkened room.

But he did see her, and we all joined in supporting her act. I was wondering how many more matinees she would be performing in the conference room, and if her "show" would be held over for another week. But in the end Nancy's career, only lasted 2 more months, during which she did nothing. And I mean nothing. She showed no activity, no sales, nothing. I guess some people are really meant to perform numbers not just be one.

-M