Know When To Say "No"

Years ago I was an up and coming young executive at a pretty well known service company.  I had done very well with the numbers but not so well with the politics of the corporate environment.  Why?  I told the truth which most people didn't like, and most of the time my analysis of a situation was right.  This wouldn't have been so bad, if I didn't have the annoying habit of telling people, "I told you so!"  I was arrogant, brash, and I knew what I was capable of, but the problem was people didn't want to hear me say it.  In the corporate environment, hey want you to follow the leader, learn your place, and then once your humbled, you can move forward in your career.  I didn't learn that until after I quit.   I thought it would be different somewhere else but naturally it wasn't.  People are the same at every corporation.

Well in order for me to change our executives perceptions of me, I decided that I would actively try to be around them at regional, and corporate meetings.  I knew that my reputation as a "know it all" had preceded me, so I decided that it was in my best interest to get to know the senior managers and VP's and for them to get to know me.  Again, my ego got the best of me, because I figured that if I was funny and they liked me, they would help turn my career in the right direction.  Wrong!  In the corporate environment, especially one focused on service, it pays to be efficient, nondescript, boring, and without a personality.  This will get you everywhere.  I found this out the hard way...

Our managers meeting was in Atlanta and I was excited because I had never been to Atlanta, and I heard the food was great and it was a fun city.  So naturally, I was looking forward to the trip.  All of us were to take tours of our newest hi tech manufacturing facility, and we would have meetings for 3 days to discuss strategies for the upcoming fiscal year.  Really exciting stuff...boring. The first evening a few of the younger general managers, like myself, decided to go out for dinner and drinks.  We were at a local restaurant when the senior executives showed up, including our own vice president, Jim, and naturally they all decided to join us.  Already they were pretty tipsy so I thought maybe this was a good chance for me to try and let some of my own personality out since they were already drunk, they might not remember anything the next day.  Mind you, I wasn't planning on making an ass of myself, but when alcohol is involved, sometimes your lack of judgement, gets you in trouble.

We were all drinking telling jokes and one of my colleagues pipes in, "Hey M, do some impressions for us! You guys gotta see this. Friggin hilarious!  Do the Christopher Walken thing..."

Naturally, never the one to pass up a chance to be in the spot light I start do impressions of a bunch of people like Christopher Walken, Jimmy Stewart, John Wayne, Traci Morgan, and even a slutty version of an elderly Katherine Hepburn.  Well this has the whole party laughing and then some drunken idiot shouts out over everyone's laughter:

"Hey M, do that impression you do of Jim!", well it was as if a record scratched and the music stopped.  Everyone was looking at me including our VP, Jim.

"So you do an impression of me, do you?", he said in his slow measured tone. 

I lied immediately, "No I don't.  I've never done an impression of you."

"Yeah you do.  You do it all the time in the office.  C'mon it'll be funny.", the idiot adds.  I could have strangled that guy at this point.  Now everyone was looking at me, waiting for a response.  Then Jim spoke.

" Sure M, let's hear your impression of me.  I'm curious as to how good it is."

" Sir, I think it would be better for my career, if I stick to celebrities at this point. " I responded.

" What?  I'm not a big enough celebrity for you?  C'mon at least try to do an impression of me." , he added and slapped me on the back and laughed. 

Again, everyone was staring at me, waiting for my response.  It was as if all of them were witness to all the facets of an accident, just waiting to happen.  They saw all the elements of a career suicide in front of them, and secretly all of them wanted me to make fun of one of the VP's.  None of them had the balls to do it themselves, but for some reason they thought I would be stupid enough to do it.

I sat at the table with Jim's arm around me and about 20 people looking at me waiting in anticipation.  I was full of beer, a little tipsy, and feeling a little bit daring.  So I went for it:

" What? I'm not a big enough celebrity for you?", I repeated in a perfect imitation of Jim's voice.

The party erupted!  Guys were falling over laughing, including the other VP's, and so I went even a little further, "Boys, if we don't get these numbers up, some of you are going to be looking for a job somewhere else...", I added, imitating him to perfection.

Now everyone was laughing, including Jim!  I thought to myself, "This is great they love me!"  All the other managers were crying they were laughing so hard.  The senior VP's were congratulating me on what a great impression it was, and how funny I was, and I felt like I had finally bonded with all of them.  No longer was I an outsider.  I was "in" with the senior managers, and I felt like I had finally made it.  Everyone was slapping me on the back, and it felt great!

Just then another hand slapped me on the back and then wrapped around my shoulder.  It was Jim.  He gave me a shoulder hug, pulled me close to him and said:

"That was great!  You were spot on kid.  But don't think I'm ever going to forget this.  Drunk or not, I'm gonna remember this night for a long time.", and he looked at me, and he wasn't smiling.   And he didn't smile at me for another year...

When you go out with anyone who has seniority, authority, or capacity to affect your career, know when to say "NO", to a night on the town.

Have a great day selling!

-M

The Bluetooth Guy

This morning I saw a man pushing a stroller and speaking very loudly to himself, or so it seemed.  At first I thought, "Wow!  Even psychotic people can be parents.  That's so great!  His kids must have lots of imaginary friends to play with... I hope they make it to the age of 5."  However, as he approached me and my dog, his voice was still loud and carrying all the way across the park.  He didn't seem even slightly embarrassed that everyone could hear his conversation, and I was confused by his lack of humility.  Yet as he passed, I noticed that he had an earpiece wrapped around his ear, which meant he was talking to someone on his cell phone. Well, I felt almost as stupid as he looked, because let's be honest, when you toss your private phone conversations around for everyone to hear, you are obviously an idiot.

I own a Bluetooth earpiece.  I have had one for YEARS now, but I don't use it any longer.  Do you care to know why?  I stopped using it when cars starting allowing you to sync your cell phone with the automobile's sound system, and so it wasn't necessary.  It's a little thing that scientists call TECHNOLOGY! Why use a Bluetooth earpiece when you don't need one? So this begs the question, "Why are there still people walking around in the world using these antiquated, giant, slugs in their ears?" I have no idea, so I decided to ask one of my "friends" who still uses a Bluetooth earpiece.  I use the term "friends" loosely, since I live in Los Angeles, a person may have many acquaintances and very few real friends. He was true to form.

I was told by this friend, who still owns one of these pieces of antiquated technology, "I use one because it's easier for me to keep my hands free when I speak.  I can move around the office, check my emails, or even go for a walk while I'm talking to the other person on my cell."

My response was naturally with a question, "Is that why you always sound distracted when I talk to you on the phone?  Because you're doing something else instead of paying attention to the conversation?"

"Yeah pretty much.  I have a lot to do you know.", he answered.

"Oh so you're like every person who still owns one of those things.  I get it now."

"What is that supposed to mean?  I'm like everyone else?  No I'm not."

Obviously I had hit a nerve because this guy likes to think he's different.  "Yeah you are.  You're just like all the people I know who still use one of those things.  You're a D-I-C-K. Dick."

"What?  Fuck you.  Why am I a dick?"

"Because you can't even take the time to talk to the person on the other end of the phone.  You're too
busy to pay attention to the conversation, and that's why I'm always repeating myself when I call you. It's okay though, I knew you were always kind of a self indulgent prick anyway."

"What?  Wait how does that make me a prick.  Because I'm efficient?  Because I can multi-task?"

" No because you're a multi-ass.  You're so obsessed with your own shit, that you can't even take the time to LISTEN on the phone.  That's why I always have to remind you of stuff we talked about over the phone.  You don't remember because you're not paying attention. "

" I would pay attention, but it's just that your stuff is not that important to me is all.", he said and laughed.

"Well your friendship isn't that important to me either.  I gotta go find some other superficial friend.  Later.", I said and started to walk away.

"What?  Don't walk away from me.  I'm talking to you asshole.", shouted as I got further and further away.

I yelled back, "I'm sorry!  I can't hear you because I'm not paying attention!" 

His friendship will not be missed.  Fuck you Bluetooth Guy.

Have a great day selling!

-M

Everyone's A Genius

I know a lot of people who have children, but fortunately or unfortunately, depending on how I'm feeling on any particular day, I don't have any kids of my own.  However, this does not keep me from being inundated with baby talk,  kid talk, preschool issues, and parenting guidelines.  I receive all kinds of advice from people about child rearing despite the fact that I have no children, which makes me wonder if they want me to have kids, or they think I act like a child.  I'm often not sure how to respond when they proffer advice but I usually just say, "I miss the days when children were allowed to work in factories", or "I try to pattern my life after Freddy Krueger's so having children is probably not a good idea for me."  Usually the advice stream stops at that point in the conversation.

The other day, while at a hospital one of the nurses was showing a video of her child doing a puzzle and the kid must have been about two or three years old.  I have 12 nieces and nephews so I am pretty good at guessing the age of a child.  I must admit, I was pretty amazed at the dexterity with which the child put this rather detailed jigsaw puzzle together.  A puzzle which I am sure would have taken me days to complete, if I even had the determination to try.  I usually give up on any problem after 30 minutes of intense frustration. 

I was so impressed,  I blurted out, "Wow is he a savant?"

"Oh god no. He's a genius." and she said this very matter of fact, as if it was a given, that her boy would be a genius.  She smiled and added, "Look at how fast he put the pieces in place.  You know he's reading already."

I was inspired or perturbed to inquire further, I made the comment, "Shakespeare? Milton? Tina Fey?"

"Very funny smart ass.  No just basic stuff but he tests at a genius level."

" They have tests for kids that age to see if they're a genius?"

" Well yes and no.  You can have them take an IQ test if you think they can handle it but they do offer various little tests to check your child's IQ."

" Are you going to have him tested?"

" No need. I already know he's a genius.  My grandfather was a genius so I'm sure he is too."

" I didn't know your grandfather was a genius!  Wow! That's amazing.  Who is he anyway?"

At this juncture in the conversation, I was really excited to learn who her grandfather was...Thomas Edison, Jonas Salk, or maybe even Albert Einstein.

"Oh, he wasn't anyone who's famous.  He was just really, really, smart.  He was an inventor."

" No kidding.  That's fascinating.  What did he invent?"

" Well nothing you would hear of today.  Just a bunch of stuff.  The electronic oven mitt was one invention of his? Have you ever heard of it?"

I had never heard it, subsequently I shook my head.  She understood...maybe she was a genius too.

"It didn't work because the cord was too long. But my little boy is going to be just as smart."

I didn't want to be too rude, so I nodded in agreement, "It looks like he's already on his way."

"Yep, he's a little genius. In fact, he's been doing Baby Einstein since before he was born. And he watches Baby Genius on YouTube all the time."

I chuckled, thinking she was joking. "How could he understand Baby Einstein in the womb? Is that even possible?"

She laughed, "You dope, it's just music like Mozart and Bach.  It helps soothe the baby."

"Oh, okay.  Well all this talk of genius is just making me feel dumb.  Maybe I should listen to Mozart."

"I don't think it would help you. You have to be born a genius like Chandler."

Before I could blurt out anything sarcastic like, "You named your kid after a character on 'Friends'?", or "just because you can sing about apples and bananas in different languages doesn't make you smart", I took my leave and headed out of the hospital. But I kept thinking that her requirements for the label of "genius" were pretty low.  I mean, just because your kid is good at puzzles, can read at kindergarten level, and his great grandfather was the inventor of the electronic oven mitt, doesn't mean he's a freaking genius. And then I kept wondering about the electronic oven mitt, and why it would need a cord. It's an oven mitt!

I went about my normal workday and this word "genius" kept coming up in conversation.  I was in a Physical Therapy clinic and a Lil Wayne song was playing on some one's radio and I heard one of the therapists say, "This song is genius!" I mean, I like Lil Wayne, but I never thought I word hear his name and the word genius in the same sentence. The word "crunk" maybe but not "genius".

Later, at lunchtime, I was eating and a song from the band Mumford and Sons was being piped in over a sound system. I heard one waitress say to another, "Oh I love this song!  These guys are total geniuses! Have you ever seen them live? They....are....awesome!"  Once again, I didn't necessarily agree with the moniker of "geniuses" to describe a group of people who could play washboards and banjos. I decided to tell the young lady she was entirely wrong in her speaking of her favorite band in terms of pure intellect.

As the waitress approached my table, I meant to say, "The definition of genius is a person who has an exceptionally high intelligence quotient, typically above a 140 IQ. ", but instead I said, "I thought only people who were mentally retarded played the banjo."

"What?" was her response.  As if she didn't hear or more importantly, didn't understand what I said.
" Nothing.  Can I have the check?", I said acting as if nothing had happened.
" Sure. I guess.", she answered, and she walked off mumbling something under her breath.  I thought it was, "Who doesn't like Mumford and Sons?"

As the day progressed, I heard the word genius used to describe everything from a coffee barista to an actual cup of coffee.  And I realized, it isn't the term that has changed, but rather our definition.  We have significantly lowered the standards in the "genius" category. Consequently,  the term has now taken on the form of an noun, adjective, and adverb.  No longer is it a honor to be called a genius, but it is rather commonplace.  So if you come up with a brilliant or creative idea and someone calls you a "genius", they might as well just call your name out at a Starbucks.  What's the difference?

Have a genius day!

-M

What Are You Asking?

One of the most common mistakes that new and old sales people make, is asking the wrong questions.  With questions, what you are trying to do is draw out your potential customer's buying motives.  If you have never heard the term "buying motives" than you are not allowed to play in this game and you have to go back to the START. Do not pass GO! Do not collect $200!

Typically, people will ask questions in an almost attacking manner, in an attempt to make their company look better than the competition.  However, this can be a poor strategy since many people are reluctant to reveal their buying motives to sales people, or despite the need to change they may have made the buying decision in the first place and they don't want to recant their decision.   In either case, you need to tread lightly when asking questions to reveal buying motives, because you can piss people off if you ask the wrong questions.  Below I have listed a few of the questions you might not want to ask during a call.

Please keep in mind, many of you will not agree with me, but I don't really give a damn.

What do you do here? - Unless you're a complete moron, you should have done your research prior to an appointment and already know what type of business you are visiting.  I can remember one time I was on a call with a rep and we went to a warehouse, which was filled with tires, wall to wall tires, and they were obviously shipping them because they were filling semi tractors with tires.  We walked all the way through the warehouse dodging tires, looking at tires, and watching people load tires.  Well the first question out of the rep's mouth was, "What do you do here?"  I almost started to laugh but the warehouse manager wasn't laughing.  He said, "Are you fucking serious?"

Unless you really have no clue what the business is or what it does, please don't ask this question.  I can honestly say I have asked it on one occasion when I couldn't figure out what the business did, and the answer was hilarious, "We make adult sex toys."...true story.

Who Picked That Company?! - Too often reps get brainwashed into thinking their competitors products/services all suck, when in fact they are very similar.  I still feel that way, but only because I have seen some of my competitors products and they actually do suck.  Yet we have a tendency to ask this question and it sounds like we are saying, "Who's the idiot who made that decision? What a moron!"

However, unless you're confident your product or service is FAR SUPERIOR, then don't ask this question, because it doesn't matter.  A better question is, "Who participated in the decision to pick your current supplier?"  It sounds cheesy but it is much more professional than "Who's the bonehead  who made that decision".  Because chances are the person sitting in front of you, might be the person who actually picked that company or product.

What Do You Like About Your Current Supplier/Service/Product? - I have asked this question many, many, many times because it was what I was trained to ask.  However, recently I realized that all I did by asking this question was remind them how much they liked their current product or supplier!  What kind of an idiot asks the prospect to applaud their current supplier.  The strategy just solidifies in the prospect's mind that they don't need to make a change. 

And then to confound matters, most sales reps then try to tear down the reputation of their competitor which they just helped to cement in the customer's mind.  It's a stupid strategy, and it's meant to be non threatening but works in favor of your competition and not you.  Avoid asking this question at all, instead ask product or service specific questions that point out inefficiencies in the product or service. 

"Several customers who use this service/product have experienced concerns with....have you had a similar experience?"

"How Are Things Going With....?" - A great deal of sales people think that sales is just talking, striking up a conversation, or chatting.  They want to put their prospect at ease.  As a result,  I have heard this question uttered by reps on multiple occasions because they are very casual in their approach to sales.  My response is, "Are you fucking serious?"

You ask, "How are things going?" to your friends or relatives or people you know; not complete strangers who don't even have a clue who you are or what you are trying to sell them.  It sounds unprofessional and it is unprofessional. 

Besides the fact that customers/prospects can easily discern that you are trying to find something wrong that you can "pick at" to get them to change services or buy your products.  People are not stupid.  They can tell when a rep is trying to "pull of a scab", and get to the wound in their product or service.  If I hear a rep utter this question I simply want to slap them.  Don't even go there...

"Any problems with your current supplier or product?" - This question is essentially just asking for a yes or no answer and will not draw out any meaningful response from the customer or prospect...unless they hate their current supplier/product.  And even if they do hate their product, that doesn't guarantee they will give you a "yes" answer, because people are afraid to show their intentions.  It gives them a disadvantage in negotiations.  It's essentially like throwing your cards on the poker table and calling out, "all in".  If you're smart, you just don't do it, unless the payoff is big,
and unfortunately in sales in rarely happens and the payoff is usually small. 

Try a different tact in this situation, "I have heard other customers say..., or take me through what happens when you use this product."  These work very well at weaning information from your customer/prospect.

Avoid these questions if possible and if not...good luck!

-M

The Idiot Conspiracy

For the last hour I have been texting back and forth with someone from my former company about the lack of intelligence within the organization's management.  Which reminded me of a book I've mentioned previously on this blog called "How To Work For An Idiot", by John Hoover.  The book is well written and insightful but focuses mainly on how to deal with a boss who is an idiot, yet if you are a boss who actually admits to being an idiot, then it offers advice on how to cure your idiocy.

It is a good read, but it doesn't address the real problem, which is why do idiots ever get promoted in the first place?  I have had so many supervisors, managers, regional managers, vice presidents, and even CEO's that are terrible leaders, that I am beginning to think that idiots are conspiring to control the world.  People seem to worry a great deal about global warming and natural gas fracking,  but it seems that "The Idiot Conspiracy" has been overlooked by the media  Why?  Because they're in on the conspiracy.  Idiots are everywhere, even in the media.

Crazy people are always looking for signs of the impending apocalypse and while the proliferation of idiots does not mean the end of our world is near, it does mean that we appear to be regressing as a species rather than evolving. Below I've listed a few warning signs that idiots are taking over the world:

• The Kardashians - I have no idea why or how this family became so popular, with the exception that Kim Kardashian made a sex tape, became somewhat famous, and her mother exploited this fame through marketing.  What frightens me is this is one of the most popular families on the planet, and none of them have gone on to pursue any type of higher education. The lesson here for parents is that if you have a pretty young daughter, hook her up with a rapper with a big penis, secretly or not so secretly film the encounter, and then sell it on the Internet.  Pretty soon you'll have a career as reality television stars, and you'll make a lot of money, exploiting her sisters as well.   Does everyone forget that this is really how Kim  initially became famous?  I have to give Kris Jenner credit though for her marketing skills.  She's a guru at exposing her daughters assets for money.   
• Honey Boo Boo - When someone first mentioned this show to me, I had no idea what they were talking about.  And then I watched an episode and the show is stupid for the most part, hilarious in some parts, and terrifying for the most part. It follows the life of an overweight toddler who competes in beauty pageants and her messed up family.  Jesus people actually live like this? It is both tragic and funny, but simply idiotic.  And what's even more terrifying is that I found myself looking forward to the next episode!
• Our Attention Spans - I don't know about you, but I find myself "multi-tasking" all the time.  And what I mean by multi-tasking is not, putting together a sales plan, talking on the phone, and updating my salesforce.com data.  More specifically, I am watching television, surfing the Internet on my computer, and playing a game app like "Plants Vs. Zombies" on my tablet in succession.  I have the attention span of a small child, and with the advent of new technologies we are all reducing our attention spans.  Which means, it's difficult for us to focus for long periods of time on...I'm sorry I just saw something posted on Twitter about kittens.  See what I mean?!  How are scientists and researchers supposed to survive the onslaught of multi media long enough to discover something new, or advance science. 
• Your Boss - As we progress as a race, we also are becoming more self indulgent, more narcissistic, and more into ourselves.  Consequently, your boss is not going to be empathetic towards your situation and how you are affected by his/her demeanor.  In fact, they are going to be pissed at you for not helping advance their careers.  In the past fifty years, parents have effectively raised a nation of people focused on mainly themselves and how they feel as individuals.  And that's not any one's fault, but the result is a group of people trying to work together with entirely different agendas. The reason your boss is an idiot is because he/she can't understand why you aren't trying to help them with their goals, rather than focusing on your own.  A lot of them simply don't have the capacity for understanding because they weren't reared that way.  The empathy gene is being systematically "weeded" out of us.  That's why your boss is a prick, and why he/she promotes little pricks.
• Your Company - If you work for a company you love, then good for you.  However for the most part, a lot people work for corporations, and corporations report to shareholders.  As a result the management is subject to shareholders interests which most of the time is earnings.  Shareholders don't really invest in a company for the social impact the company has on the environment, education, or the populace.  They invest to make money, and the actions of the company are subsequently to make money for the shareholders.  That's how it works.  Shareholders don't give a shit about how happy the employees are, whether the company is exploiting third world workers, or whether they are polluting the environment.  None of that stuff matters to a shareholder...they want earnings.  Subsequently, you are an asset or a liability and that is all.  We are no longer seen as people, even though we may think we are.  A perfect example for me happened ten years ago when my boss, a loyal employee of 15 years with my company, was let go because they felt his position wasn't needed.  He was the best boss I ever had, and still is a great friend.  But the company wasn't interested in the fact that he'd mentored about 20 managers or that he bled the company colors, they wanted to save a few dollars because his salary was too high.  They eliminated his job, then promoted a lesser skilled manager 6 months later and the whole branch went to hell. They never made a profit afterwards.  This is how stupid companies have become.  They look at short term profit and earnings and not long term growth and stability.  Why?  Because they're run by idiots.

However, despite idiots propagating more idiots, there is hope.  If we take a stand together and decide to stand up to stupidity all across the globe, we can stop the Idiot Conspiracy.  If your boss is an idiot, then tell him/her they are an idiot, but be sure to do it in front of someone else who agrees.  If your coworkers are acting dumb, then tell them to stop being an idiot.  And if for some reason you are an idiot, then get help.  There is a great place to go to reduce your addiction to stupidity.  It's called a "library".  Together we can stop the lunacy and save the world.

Have a great day selling!

-M

Are Toddlers Just Drunks?

We've all seen it before, a toddler stumbling around the living room, holding out their hand to brace themselves.  Barely able to walk, mumbling to themselves, and swearing in some indiscernible language.  They wave their hands around and laugh at themselves, all signs of some form of intoxication, but we ignore the early warning signs.  We say things like:
" Oh isn't that cute!"
" He's trying to talk, look at him moving his little lips."
" She'll be walking in no time, look at her."

We are all just blind to the fact that besides being cute, these children are just plain drunks.  I don't know what the kid is drinking in the picture above, but it isn't milk.  Perhaps a White Russian? I understand that here in the United States there is a problem with binge drinking and it might all stem from the fact that toddlers seem intoxicated most of the time.  However, we try to ignore all the obvious warning signs:

1. Exhibit Incoherent Speech - Like most of the scenes from the show "Cops", infants and toddlers display a definite pattern of slurred speech, or in some cases no speech at all.  I understand that their grasp of the human language is not fully formed at this point, but they could at least blurt out a "mom" or "da da ". However like most drunks I know, they just babble and spit bubbles.
2. Unable To Walk A Straight Line - It's sad when you see people on the side of the road struggling to pass a drunk test, but look at your kids every once in a while and you will see the same sort of stumbling, bumbling drunkenness.  Thank god they're not old enough to drive yet, because that would be a nightmare.  They're legs are wobbly they struggle to stay balanced, and in some cases they fall down fairly hard, and even right on their little faces. 
3. Prone To Fits Of Rage - Like all drunks, toddlers have a tendency towards acts of violence.  I watched one night in horror as my friend's little girl ceaselessly batted the head of my poor dog until the dog was nearly unconscious.  It was a terrible scene with the child smiling the entire time as it viciously brought its fists down upon the poor little pup.  I finally had to step in and move the dog away before it was knocked senseless and suffered brain damage.  It was terrifying! 
4. Fall Asleep Anywhere In Any Position - I have seen so many drunk people fall asleep in their food. In fact, I myself have fallen asleep while leaning over a plate of food at a Denny's. However kids take this drunken sleepiness to an entirely new level.  I have seen them with food in their tiny hands, fall over onto the floor and sleep like they've been shot from behind.  I have seen children with their heads stuck between bars in a crib, asleep from the drunken debauchery of the night prior.
5. Urinate On Themselves Or Others - I can remember when a drunk guy tried to pee on me when I was out partying one night, and I can remember many times seeing a child try peeing on another one, supposedly by accident.  It's all a ruse.  They have little bladder control just like their older brethren, and so it's socially acceptable for them to pee on everyone and everything.  I say "nay tiny tinklers, do no spread your urine on me.

There are a great many other traits which, if you are observant, you will see toddlers or need I say drunks exhibiting on a daily basis. You may not foresee this as a problem, but I say parents lock up your liquor cabinets and don't give your kids the opportunity to start early on this terrible vice.

Have a great weekend!

-M

The Secret To Your Success...

I read all kinds of really poorly written, overly hyped, crap.  I literally mean it is crap and that I should wipe my ass with the book after I've finished reading it.  There are so many promotional con men writing books on sales that I get nauseous reading them, and feel the need to burn the book afterwards.  But why are these people successful?  Why are people reading this BS?  The answer is simple. Because we need outside motivation.  Because we want someone to hand us a key that says "do this and you'll be successful."  Because we want it easy...isn't that it?

I was driving last week and listening to sports talk radio when I passed from one area of the state to another and the station changed and I ended up hearing a business program on an entirely different station.  Apparently the guest on the show was some wildly successful sales expert who I had never heard of before, and I was intrigued.  I listened to this person speak for a while about HIS life experiences and how great a person HE was, and how inspirational HIS kids were, and how wonderful HIS wife was, and what a great life HE had, and I realized this guy is truly self motivated.
HIS enthusiasm for HIS life is what he transfers to people who listen to him, and who need motivation.  He is so excited about how wonderful he thinks he is, that people are drawn to him.  Why?  I could hear right through all the baloney he was doling out, but I'm sure most of the listeners were so enthralled by his enthusiasm that they ignored the lies.  And I kept thinking, why is he successful?  Because he's motivated by money and only money, and people believe if they adopt his philosophy they'll be just as successful.  He's not selling a sales system, he's selling HOPE.  HOPE that if you follow HIS system, HIS ideals, and HIS philosophy that you'll end up successful just like him.

The market for self help books in this country is $13 billion.  That is a lot of HOPE being sold in the market place.  And this person who was selling HOPE on the radio was worth about $100 million!  I'm in the wrong business.  Instead of selling medical supplies, I need to start selling HOPE, because it's worth a lot more to people than their health.  I was shocked!  First of all, because he's a snake oil salesman and an idiot, and secondly because people are obviously buying his pitch. So I am going to give you some very simple advice for free, here on this blog so you don't have to go out and buy a system of CD's to listen to in your car while driving to appointments, or spend $25 on a book which you might read half of and then fall asleep from boredom.   Here is some free HOPE for you and anyone else you might know:

1. Anything Is Possible - Despite my being a shameless curmudgeon , I believe that anything is possible and anyone can be a success.  There are success stories out there every damn day!  I see people who are wildly successful and I think to myself, "That guy is a total dork, who can barely read, is a complete nut,  and yet he is successful."  And yes I am referring to Tom Cruise by the way, who is dyslexic, a crazy Scientologist, and yet he is one of the biggest stars in Hollywood!  Despite his crazy antics on "Oprah", he still has legions of fans and people flock to see his movies. Why? He wanted it and that's all he wanted.  He was focused, his sister read him the lines, and he learned to act...and it didn't hurt that he was good looking too.  I've seen men who run businesses that had me fill in the checks for them to sign because they couldn't write, and yet they were successful.  People with disabilities running companies is commonplace nowadays where years ago they would have been locked away.   Keep in mind that like Tom Cruise's career, anything is possible...yes even for you.

2. Make A Decision to ACT For God's Sake! - If you're young or old, there's always confusion about what you want out of life.  Some of us already have kids, we are married, and we feel trapped.   We can't just drop everything and go do what we want.  It's called duty, or loyalty.  However, we can make our lives better, by doing things for us, while not forgetting about everyone else.  It's a little thing called R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

One thing I cannot tolerate is people who just bitch.  Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, and then do absolutely nothing...except bitch.  It drives me crazy!  They talk about how their job sucks, or how this or that is keeping them from doing anything, but they won't make a decision to ACT!  If you are suffering, the worse thing for you to do is sit there and wallow in self pity.  That accomplishes nothing, and you never feel better, only worse.  If you're going to change your life for the better you have to decide to ACT.  If you don't make a decision, nothing will change and you'll remain miserable.  Hoping for a better life is not enough, you need to get off your ass and stop eating potato chips on the couch, while watching Lifetime, AMC, HBO or Spike TV.   Wishing your life were better is not the same as making your life better.

3. Gain Support From Family And Friends - The worse thing that can happen is you make a decision to act, and you have no support from anyone.  If you have no friends, then I hope you don't own a handgun because you're a perfect profile for a serial killer, and please don't act on any insane impulses you might have because they won't make your life any better, just worse.

Yet despite having no friends, you may have family and they are just as important in your decision.  So maybe you don't get along with them, but you should still consult them for feedback on your decision.  The best thing I ever did was ask my parents if they thought it was a good idea for me to pursue a career in professional soccer.  My mom said, "Why don't you try a summer in club or senior level soccer and see how you do?"  I did this, and I got a rude awakening...I wasn't professional material.  Despite my size, and speed, I just hadn't developed the fundamentals at an early age to be a great player, and I was getting embarrassed daily.  I worked at it for a while but realized I just wasn't good enough.  I was glad my parents didn't keep goading me to follow my dream because it wasn't going to happen, and in the end I was going to be crushed.

If you have family or friends, solicit their advice on your decision, just to be sure you're making the right one.  And be mindful of blind devotion.  Many parents today will just encourage their kids to pursue their dreams despite the fallacy of them being fulfilled.  You can't be a football star if you're slow, short, and not athletic. You can however play on the practice squad in college and get the shit kicked out of you daily; remember "Rudy".

4. Be Honest With Yourself - The worst thing you can do when making a change in your life is to delude yourself.  If you haven't ever painted, don't change your career and become an artist...despite the fact that there is a lot of crap being made in the art community.  It's seems that it's more about marketing nowadays then talent. 

If you have a decent singing voice but not great, then don't try out for "America's Got Talent" because then you'll be made a laughing stock on national television.  Focus on what you're good at and make a decision to be great at it.  If you're a good salesperson, then focus on becoming a great salesperson, or even a great sales manager.  If you're great at numbers, become a mathematician or an accountant.  Keep in mind, that these are perfectly respectable careers.  Not everyone can be a rock star, television star, or movie star. 

It's funny because people always get mad at me because I am never impressed by celebrities.  Well living in California you run into celebrities all the time, and years ago a friend and I were in the VIP section at Coachella Music Festival when Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz walked right past us.  She gushed and she was freaking out while I just said, "That was really cool".

She was extremely excited and shouted "We almost ran into them! Why aren't you excited?! You're always to cool for school. It's annoying."

I responded, "A celebrity is just another person who is doing their job just like the rest of us, who happens to be famous.  They are no better or worse than anyone else and they're going to die like everyone else.  There is no VIP section you're assigned to after you die.  I admire them and respect them but I don't worship them...sorry"

If your dream is to be famous and you've got talent then go for it, but I would respect you just as much if you were a dish washer, a musician, an actor, or a plumber.  Be honest with yourself and make your success a goal which is attainable.

5. Motivation Doesn't Come From A Book - I may be repeating myself, but I have always told my sales students that motivation comes from within.  You can't get motivation from a book, and you can't buy it.  It has to come from YOU! 

Years ago I had a sales rep who was lagging well below his numbers and he said to me, "I need you to motivate me.  Get me going.  I'm flat lately and I need you to motivate me. Why don't you try yelling at me or something?"

I laughed pretty hard and then I responded, "I can only affect your level of motivation.  I hired you because you were motivated, but something's happened to change this, and that's up to you to figure out. But I'll try and help you."  And we worked together to find a new level of motivation...he became a sales trainer.  It was a new goal and he was motivated to be the best trainer we had at the company. It wasn't that he needed me to motivate him, he needed himself to motivate him.  Only you can prevent or invent your own success.

You can buy all the HOPE in the world and read as many books on self help to improve your sales, but if you don't apply what you've read or what you've learned than it means nothing.  You have to stop reading and start doing, and only then can you truly have HOPE.

Have a great day selling!

-M


 

Form Letters Are So Annoying

I received a letter from a relative today and it was address to me, but it really wasn't for me specifically.  It was a form letter, or more definitively a "Me Letter".  As you can probably ascertain, I do not like receiving these types of letters.  I get a few of these form letters every year from people,  but they seem terribly insincere.  It makes me feel like they're a business and I'm a customer, and they want to update me on their new and improved products.   Which in a way is true, because usually the letter references their children, or grand children, or rather by products of their union, and how wonderful they all are in relation to my children. 

Usually I receive these letters around Christmas time, or during a holiday season, but for some reason this year I was blessed with a "Summer Time Update", which is the name of the aforementioned letter.  In the body of the letter were references to a wonderful vacation in Europe, a new car, pictures of a house renovation, and news that all 3 of their wonderful children were now in college and so the lovely couple really had time to enjoy themselves.  The children were of course all placed at prestigious universities and doing quite well, each one making the Dean's List.  The letter went on and on about how beautiful life is and how great a time my relatives were having, all this despite them knowing I was sitting at home reading this load of crap.  I wanted to be happy for them, but instead I was incensed that they would have the audacity to proclaim how incredible their lives were going, while mine languished amid dog parks and diapers.  What makes them think I would give a damn what they're doing?  I have enough problems of my own.  So in response I decided to write a form letter of my own, which I plan to send to all of my "uppity" relatives, who like to brag about their wonderful lives. The contents of this form letter I have listed below for your review:

"Dear relative Ass,

    Since we don't speak all that regularly and you only seem to reach out to me when you want to brag about something or another, I thought it appropriate to call you an ass,  because only an ass would applaud his/her own accomplishments.

     I understand that you felt inclined to share how wonderful your life is going, so I in turn have decided to share a letter of a similar nature on the subject of my family's progress in the past few months. I hope you enjoy reading this letter as much as I loathed reading yours.

     First of all, Debbie and I were not able to take our usual vacation this year to the Swiss Alps because the Matterhorn ride has been closed this year for repairs.  Once it is fixed, be assured that we will ascend it's peak and take pictures of us atop the tallest mountain in Anaheim CA.  I only hope that Deb doesn't push me off...hahahaha! No seriously, she did this 4 years ago after a fight which started in the parking lot ,and continued as we ascended to the top. 

    It's odd that you mentioned the improvements you have made to your home.  We too, have made some changes around the old homestead, adding some much needed ventilation to the sides and nearly finishing the roof.  We hope that the roof will be completed before winter so the kids won't need to sleep in tents again this holiday season.  I have included a picture:

   I am so happy that Thad, Tyler, and Ashley have all been working diligently at their college studies and I am equally happy to report that our own Earl is now in a MENSA program at his school. He has made incredible progress with this new program and should be graduating soon from the 8th grade despite his age. (16) The Menially Efficient Non Scholarly Attendees program is rather prolific at placing students from his school, and hopefully with good planning and studies, he will someday find a job in the hospitality industry like his mom.

I'm sorry but that is all that I have for now, but I hope you send me another letter soon and include some money in the envelope please.  The MENSA program isn't cheap.  LOL

Your fellow Ass "

-M
   

"Company Loyalty" Is An Oxymoron

     

A few weeks ago, I played golf with one of my friends who I trained to be a manager, and who was now running his own business.  I taught him a lot about business, and how to manage people, and he in turn applied it to starting his own business with some partners.  I can say right now that he is doing really well, and I should be really happy for him, but I'm not.  I'm pissed at myself that I was too stupid to branch out on my own and instead I tried the corporate way up the ladder of success...bad idea.

His question to me was, "Why the hell did you stay so long?  That company wasn't loyal to you.  They didn't give a shit about any of us."
I reminded him, "I left before you did...remember?"
"Yeah but you went right into another company and tried it again.  Companies have no loyalty to any of their employees.  Hell look at George Zimmer! He started Men's Wearhouse and they gave him the boot.  It's not the same as when our parents were working.  There is no such thing as company loyalty anymore."

    He was absolutely right.  Company loyalty is an oxymoron. If the company you work for perceives that you are a liability, then you're going to be fired, let go, laid off, etc.  Seniority means little, and service to the company means even less. Years ago, the dream was to work for a large Fortune 500 company for 30 years, and then retire with a nice big pension and a house that was paid for already, with your hard work.

     In today's economic climate, recent college graduates have it rough, and if you have a high school diploma it's even harder to fulfill your dreams.  First of all, prospective employees can't find a job with a Fortune 500 company because there are too many "baby boomers" already taking up those positions.  Secondly, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, the average tenure for an employee in the US is 4.6 years. That is woefully short of the 20-30 years our parents used to put in with their companies.  And lastly, the average young American can't even afford to buy a house in 2015.  Many people still live with their parents just to make ends meet.  So where is our "American Dream"?   Sorry folks but that dream is gone.

I suppose now you're thinking, "Thanks for the great news Doctor Dismal, but what are we supposed to do now?"

For those of you already in the work force and for those of you who are recent college graduates, here is some sound career advice.  Our American Dream has changed but it's not dead...yet.

1. Be Resume Ready - Since there is no such thing as company loyalty anymore it is always best to have your resume updated and ready to go, in the event you are fired, laid off, or for some odd reason you are no longer employed.  Perhaps you ate the boss's birthday cake or slept with his daughter, wife, or worse his pet. In addition, be sure to check and make sure all of your personal and business references are up to date and in good standing.  Hopefully, you haven't pissed off an old friend you listed as a reference, and when a prospective employer calls he/she says, "He/she slept with everyone in the office".
2. Stay In School - Yes this sounds stupid because so many successful business people have no degrees and they just worked hard to realize their dreams.  WRONG!  Those people who were successful despite not earning a degree were lucky, or found the right market, or were born in the 1900's.  Don't be an idiot, get a degree even if you're already successful it's a great accomplishment, and it doesn't mean you're smart.  It just means you got through school.  But when Human Resource people look at a resume they always prefer a degree, and by prefer they mean, "We can't discriminate but you'd better have a degree you loser or we're not talking to you."
3. Be Super Special - A long time ago in the medical field there were just MD's, and that was it.  There were no specialties and doctors were just doctors.  However in today's health care industry there are now so many different doctor specialists, I can't list them all here.  The business world is no different.  If you have a specific and "special" skill set you will be employed for LIFE, and you can pick and choose your hours.  I have friends who are smart but didn't want to go through the entire process of being a doctor so they became nurse anesthetists.  It was a specialty but not necessarily doctor status where you're on call all the time.  These people set their own hours, work like 3 days a week, and make a great living.  A word to the wise...specialize.
4. Expanding Markets - I have always had the luxury of working in industries that would expand with the population.  Our market demand was dependent upon the population, and so as the population expanded so did our market.  If you are working in a declining industry like newspapers, get the hell out now!  You may need to retool yourself but in order to survive you have to change and adapt.  If you're a postal carrier go to work for FedEx or UPS.  If you're too damn lazy to leave a dying industry, then I have no sympathy for you...adapt and survive.
5. Brag Books Are BS - If you have a job interview don't listen to other recruiters and bring in your Brag Book. When I was a manager, if a person brought in a Brag Book, I thought two things immediately, and neither one of them was good. 
• Living In The Past? - If a person has a big book of all there PAST accomplishments that's great but I'm interested in someone who wants to write their own book in the future.  I had one guy I interviewed with a book that was bronzed.  Well not the whole book but he had all his accomplishments in this beautiful wood embossed book, and there was a bronzed placard on the cover.  He handed it to me and all I said was, "Nice book, but I'm not interested in your past, I'm interested in your future."  WTF did he have monks hand paint all the certificates and write the letters inside too? 
• Is It Real?- These types of books are easy to forge because who is going to have the balls to check the numbers and how are they going to verify them?  I have never called another company and had them offer up an employee's Performance Review because it's not legal.  So a prospective employee could put anything he or she wants into a brag book.  How the heck would I know if it's true or not unless I had access to that information. A few years back I had a manager hire a guy after seeing his book, and I said, "Don't trust the brag book."  He did and ending up firing the guy 6 months later for non performance.  It turned out the guy had forged all the awards at Staples and none of them were legit. The idiot had bragged about it to another employee.  I guess now he's all "bragged out".

    If you follow just these five simple steps, you'll at least be ready for the changes in the economy, and you won't have to rely on company loyalty anymore...because after all, it doesn't really exist.  Today's workers have to fend for themselves and we can't rely on the company to take care of us.

Have a great day selling!

-M

Road Rage...Yeah We All Feel It

I'm certain that those of you who drive may have seen someone saluting you, like the young woman in the picture above, but my question is, "Did you deserve it?"  And guess what, I know what your answer will be..."Hello no! That bitch cut me off!"

As more and more  people are on the roads, there are a lot of lousy drivers, or should I define them as "shitty" drivers.  Because when they're on the road, they scare the shit out of me.  As a sales rep, I am on the road all the time, and I have listed here a profile of some of the scariest people you and I encounter during the course of our day.  Whether it be commuting to and from your job, or driving from appointment to appointment. 

Larry The Lane Changer - I'm sure that if you're driving on the freeway, the thruway, or even in any major city you encounter Larry all the time.  He seems to be under the impression that he can save at least 30 seconds off his day if he just keeps changing lanes all the time.  He never signals his change, but instead he comes darting over from like two lanes and without a signal.  Larry changes lanes more than Lady Gaga changes outfits during a show.

In a study conducted by the University of Toronto changing lanes on the highway saves a person up to a total of 4 minutes for a 80 minute drive with little traffic, and for people driving on a congested street or freeway they found no discernible evidence that the driver saved time.  In fact, most of them lost time by changing lanes frequently. However they did find that these people are more likely to cause an accident through improper lane changes.

Cell Phone Cecilia - What year is it?  Oh right 2013.  So why the hell are there still idiots driving with a cell phone at their ear?  Cell Phone Cecilia, or Cedric, is still rampant even in states where it is illegal to drive while using a hand held cell phone.  WTF people!  With all new cars being equipped with blue tooth technology why the heck is anyone holding a cell phone while driving?  I admit that I hate the sound quality of the blue tooth in my car while driving, but unless I'm driving a 1971 Gran Torino and Clint Eastwood is calling me, there is no need for me to ever put a cell phone to my ear while driving.

If you are out there Cecilia, and you don't have Bluetooth technology, then wrap a thick rubber band around your head with your cell phone attached and this will solve your problem.  Feel free to follow the guidelines from this picture.

New Kids On Your Ass - I drive probably 2,500-5,000 miles per month and lately I've seen a lot of younger drivers tail gating.  If you are younger and you don't know what that means, then you might have a problem. The recommended following distance for a vehicle traveling 55 mph is not two car lengths as we all seem to think.  It's 243 feet!  I too am guilty of following closer than 243 feet at times in heavy traffic because in Southern California it's all heavy traffic.  However, I see people that look like they just got out of school who are riding the ass off some little old lady on the freeway, and scaring the crap out of her.   And they aren't following 2 or 3 car lengths behind they are practically touching bumpers.

"Hey kiddies, we're not at Speed Zone anymore, a crash has consequences! So drop the Slurpee and back the fuck off."

If these tail gating youngsters took any Driver Ed courses they must have just had a driving instructor named "Ed", because they didn't receive any education. NASCAR's newest crop of drivers are coming to a roadway near you...BEWARE.

Texting Tony or Tina - Don't even try to kid yourself.  Everyone out there is guilty at some point of texting while driving.  Despite the fact that it's illegal in most states.  I've done it and still do on occasion when at a stop sign or light when I know I'm in for a long wait.  Why?  I thought about this the other day, why do I need instant information, or why was it so important for me to respond?  There is no reason other than it's become a habit.  However, I was almost rear ended the other day, so even texting at intersections needs to stop.  Personally I don't care if you text while stopped, it's the guy or girl who is holding up their cell phone and texting while on the freeway that are scary. 

The other day while driving I saw a dude holding a cell phone in each hand,  trying to text, with his hand on the wheel and he was driving a cab! Thankfully no one was in the back seat but how could he possibly focus on the road?  What was so fucking important he had to text with TWO PHONES?!  Was he lonely and texting himself?  Maybe he invited himself out to dinner?  I hope he wasn't using emoticons, because that's just sad...:(

Make Up Mary/Marty - Traveling on the 105 freeway a few months back a car came over two lanes of traffic and almost hit me in the far left hand lane.  Fortunately I saw the erratic driving behavior and sped up to avoid a collision.  The car settled in behind me, and I looked in the rear view, thinking what any normal driver would think:

"Who is the fucking asshole behind me who almost crashed in to me?  I need to see this idiot."

It was a young lady looking in her rear view mirror and applying make up while she was driving.  Apparently, our near death accident hadn't affected her driving habits one bit, because she continued to curl her eyelids, and apply lipstick rather liberally at 70 miles per hour.  My first thought was,
"That red lipstick clashes with her complexion.  Not a good choice.", and then my second thought was, "Is it that important that you look good if you're dead?"  Apparently it was to her.

Now this is not reserved to women because I also say a young metro sexual man checking his eyebrows and applying lotion to his face while driving on the 101 freeway as well.   We weren't traveling fast maybe 40-50 miles per hour, but his face was plastered to his mirror and he was checking himself out all while trying to drive.  The only reason I noticed was because he drifted into someones lane and then honked at his car.

Vanity is a dangerous thing...


There are plenty of poor drivers out there on the road, so be afraid....be very afraid.

-M

America Lacks Talent...But We Never Lack Confidence.

Today I came home to hear my next door neighbors belting out all kinds of horrible acoustic songs.  Yes that's right! "Neighbors" as in multiple persons singing.  My question is why? Are they just so full of life that they need to expose me to terrible harmonies and bad guitar playing?  Are they forming a skiffle band?  Or are they attempting to drive the other neighbors away with acoustic versions of Justin Bieber songs?  Right again! They were playing Justin Bieber songs.

 "Baby baby baby oooohhh like baby baby baby". Imagine hearing that at 2 am in the morning, and you don't live in Calabasas California next to the Biebs.

I tried to figure out why would they be so hard pressed to make themselves heard, and then it dawned upon me that parents today encourage their children to follow their dreams, even when they lack talent.  In fact, I think they push their kids to chase dreams, despite the fact that their kids obviously have no ability.  Why?  Because even if you lack talent, you can still become famous.  It's all about confidence.  So these young adults, ruining my days and nights with awful crooning,  had been the by products of nurturing parents who told them that they should never give up their dreams, regardless of whether they have the ability to make those dreams a reality.  I'm not sure whether that is kind, or cruel.  Because later on when some not so nice people like Simon Cowell tells them "you suck", their dreams will be smashed.  Or will the lessons of myopia learned from their parents convince them to keep pursuing their dreams despite their inability to sing in harmony? I don't really care, I just wished they'd stop singing and ruining my weekend.  It sounds like someone is squeezing the air out of a bunch of cats.

Yet America has a history of people who lack talent but have an over abundance of confidence. So let's take a look at some people not so talented who became famous. And please remember we're all special...

#3 William Hung - In Wikipedia William Hung is listed as ""an American singer" which is the first time I ever really questioned the integrity of facts on Wikipedia.  Hung did sing, but very, very, badly and in fact so badly, that it made him famous.  If you were watching the show "American Idol" in 2004 you may have caught a glimpse of Hung's rendition of the famous Ricky Martin tune, "She Bangs". Click on the link below if you feel the need to relive the experience.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hVo0uMqRBQM

   As a result of this rather ridiculously poor performance, Hung became famous and even dropped out of school to pursue his "music" career.  Why?  Who gave this person the idea that he was good?  And moreover, why would people encourage him?  Well, they did and he was famous for a short period of time, but he is now a crime analyst for the Los Angeles County Sherriff's Department.  Interestingly enough, the LA County Sherriff's Department probably should have arrested the producers of "American Idol" right after Hung's performance because allowing that to be aired was a crime. 

#2 Kate Gosselin - I first heard of Kate when a few of my friends mentioned that they LOVED the reality show "John and Kate Plus 8". I wasn't sure of the interest I would find in watching two overly self indulgent parents trying to raise eight children.  In fact, it wasn't interesting to me, not even remotely.  It seems that both of the parents were having a difficult time raising eight children and still feeling affectionate towards each other, but after watching the show I realized why they were having a hard time...their only talent was self interest.   They were both obsessed not with their kids but with themselves and unfortunately their kids were after thoughts in a bad marriage.  This made for good television because there was constant turmoil on the show. 

Another reason they seem to be struggling with raising 8 children is because THEY WERE RAISING 8 CHILDREN!  How can anyone, even a selfless martyr raise 8 children and still maintain their sanity.  Kate for her part did her best, but apparently her best just wasn't good enough and so her and Jon got a divorce and Kate was supposed to carry the show on her own.  Failure!

You see the problem with wanting to be famous for something other than having children is that once the kids start to grow up and once the producers perceive you as boring, than the show is over.  Kate was boring, had no talent, and her daily life wasn't even partially interesting.  If her kids hadn't been so damn cute the show wouldn't have lasted the 2 years that it did.  So "Kate Plus 8" was cancelled in 2009.

Once the show was cancelled, what was a mother of eight with an enlarged uterus supposed to do?   Well, what every talent less person does.  Find a co-author and write a book.  Which she did, and she sold quite a few books.  I don't know if anyone read the books but she sold a lot of them.  But again her talent waned and her fifteen minutes of fame ended.  It was a good run for someone who's only real accomplishment was having a litter of children.

#1 Rudy Ruettiger - I don't know how many of you are familiar with the film "Rudy", but it is truly an inspirational story.  It brings grown men to tears, and even some women cry when they watch it, but it's rare.  It follows the "true" story of Daniel "Rudy" Ruettiger, who's dream was to attend Notre Dame University, and play football for the Fighting Irish.  Rudy chases his dream throughout the movie and in the end he gets in for one play during the season.  Below is the triumphant scene in the movie when Rudy is finally put into the last game of his senior season for the Irish, after spending years on the practice squad.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZI63g64kDgY

I almost cry every time I watch that scene knowing the truth about "Rudy".

The real story is that Rudy was an annoying bastard who pushed his story onto Hollywood, and who made up a lot of the stuff that's in the movie.  Unfortunately, no one ever sheds light on this fact because the movie is so good, and is truly inspirational.  The fans did not chant to put him in the game and the team didn't demand that he play, and he didn't have a bunch of people on the team who even liked him. Why?  He was a nobody, and famous players on that Notre Dame team like Joe Montana barely remember his existence.  It seems Rudy was a legend in his own mind.

However, do keep in mind Rudy was an overweight loser with very little talent, and a lot of determination which led him to his goal.  He graduated from Notre Dame, he got to play football, and he became famous as a result.  Not bad for an persistent little son of a bitch from Indiana.

The tragedy is that he parlayed that fame into a money swindling scheme and ended up being indicted for fraud by the SEC.   Maybe a little too much confidence and not enough common sense. 


All these "success" stories tell us is that despite lacking talent, even the worst of us can realize our dreams.  We may end up in jail later, but it's possible that with a lot of confidence and no recognizable talent we can become a celebrity.  I still don't know if that's good or bad, considering that people like Kate Gosselin still have paparazzi following them around for no reason.  I guess to surmise,  if you have talent chase your dream, but if you don't, please give it up so the rest of us can sleep.

Have a great day!

-M

Thanks For Your Advice...Now Shut It!

I know this post will have nothing to do with sales, but perhaps you'll enjoy reading it anyway.  I'm sure that many of you who have kids, dogs, or are just out in public and have experienced the unwanted input from some person who seems to know everything.  And I mean EVERYTHING! It's annoying, and it's completely unwarranted.  If you're not hurting anybody, or interfering with their daily routine, then why can't people just mind their own business? 

I find it almost sad that people offer free advice on how to raise your kids, or train your dog,  but if you were being mugged on the street they might feel more compelled to start filming the incident rather than getting involved and trying to help you.  We are a nation of voyeurs not participants. 

Regardless, I have listed a few notable quotes which we've all heard and some very good responses that will leave the recipient dumbfounded.

"You should really train your dog to walk properly" - I hear this advice all the time from women and men who have seemingly well behaved dogs and want to offer to "help" me out as a dog owner.  My responses to this bit of unwanted advice are as follows:

"I'm putting her down after this walk but she doesn't know it."
"Normally I let her off leash, but she killed a dog that looked a lot like yours, just last week."
"Don't say that too loudly she understands everything we say and she bites people all the time."
"This isn't my dog. I stole it from some homeless guy down the street."
" Oh this is the proper way to walk a dog where I come from. What the hell is wrong with your dog?"

" Is your dog always that hyper?" - I'm always amazed by this question because my dog is always excited to see people, other dogs, cats, anything that moves.  She likes to interact with everyone and everything, but this makes other dog owners nervous.

"No, but I put coffee in her food bowl this morning so she'd be extra excited."
"Only since she started doing cocaine."
"Wouldn't you be this excited if you just ate chocolate for the first time?"
" She's just in pain because I cut her nails to close to the vein.  There was blood everywhere."

"Your dog seems aggressive you should send her to obedience school?" - I hear this on occasion and it's usually people who own a smaller dog.  My dog is not very big, just 40 pounds, so small dogs are scared but just not scared enough to resist taking a nip at her.  She likes to swat them with her paw at that point, which upsets the owners.

"Oh I did send her to school. You should have seen her before, she would have killed your dog by now."
"Oh this is tame, wait til I let her off leash."
"I did send her to obedience school but she bit all the dogs in her class.  She's really friendly now though.  Let's she how they play together."
"She's just mad because I kicked her really hard a few minutes ago ."

I've noticed that the same helpful people will offer advice on how to raise not only your dog, but also your child.  Can't these people keep their big mouths closed?  Not only do they crossover, they do so with the same annoying consistency. Here's one you probably here that applies to both dogs and kids.

"Your boy/girl needs to play nice." - I never understood what this meant but I hear it all the time. It could pertain to kids or dogs.  "Play nice Jeremy" or "Play nice Marley".  It doesn't matter what you say some kids or dogs play differently, and so when someone says this to me, my response is always different.

"What is your definition of nice?"
"He/she is playing nice, your kid's just kinda wimpy.  Have you ever seen those movies?"
"Do you think I should beat him/her.  Maybe they'll play nice then."
"Her/his uncle taught her/him to play that way.  I had nothing to do with it."
"That's not my kid.  I thought it was your kid.  Hey where is my kid anyway?"

"Could You Get Control Of Your Kids?!" - Sometimes children are just having fun and don't realize how loud and disruptive they are to other people.  This question or rather statement usually comes from people who don't have children or people who have kids but treat them like junior military officers...or sometimes people who actually are pissed off at you and your kids.  Oh well...

"I could get control of them, but where's the fun in that?"
"I'm just letting them play before I put them to sleep...forever.", a big belly laugh should follow this.
"This is controlled.  You should see them at home.  Wanna come over some time and help me?"
" Sorry, they just got out of rehab. Lindsay Lohan was there.  Wanna see a pic?"
" These aren't my kids, they're my facebook friends."

"Are Your Kids Always Like This?" - I can see the face of the person asking this question right now.  It is sour, and with a slight frown, and shows they are ashamed for you and your children.  It's important for your children to be polite and well behaved but let's face it, sometimes that doesn't happen.

"No.  I just gave them a bunch of candy and coffee.  Why? Is that wrong?"
"Yes.  You should try living with them?  Wanna swap?"
" No.  Ever since the accident they've been acting this way. The doctor said it was brain damage."
" Yes! Aren't they great! I'm so proud of them for being a bunch of little a-holes. Thanks for noticing"
" These are my foster children.  I think they come from a long line of crackheads.  Sorry."


Remember, these lines actually will work to disrupt the person "butting in", and to keep you laughing.  The responses are not meant to be mean or vindictive but just to enjoy the moment, and keep you smiling and them confused.

Have a great day!

-M

Awkward...

Do not deny it.  We have all been in these situations socially where it's very awkward and you're not sure how to react.  Comical but very weird scenarios play out in every day life, and some of us are not exactly sure how to handle these situations.  Here are some that I come across on a daily basis.

Is She Pregnant? - Just last week, I ran into a charge nurse I was meeting for the first time and she looked pregnant, but I avoided asking her any pregnancy questions because I was unsure.  Let's face it, sometimes a woman can just be overweight and if you start asking, "How far along are you?  That could be trouble for you as a rep.  If she's not pregnant you just called her "fatty".  In order to avoid this scenario follow these simple steps:

1. Be Patient - Don't talk about pregnancy until she does.  This way you can avoid saying the wrong thing and she'll initiate the pregnancy talk.  It pays to be patient in these matters.  For example with the charge nurse we just started discussing regular things like patients, and she brought up that this would be her third child.  I didn't have to say a word.
2. Kid Talk - If you have kids then mention them, but don't say, "When I was pregnant..." , or "When my wife was pregnant", that is an immediate sign you think they're pregnant, and if you're wrong...appointment over!
3. Belly Talk - If you think they're just overweight, don't start discussing diets you've been on in the past.  This is a poor way to tip them off that you think they need to lose some weight.  Subtly, you're screaming at them, "You should be on that show The Biggest Loser!"

Which Eye Is Looking At Me? - I have run into this scenario A LOT!  It seems that America has a problem with a certain percentage of the population have "wall eyes", or in more clinical terms, divergent strabismus.  It means one eye is looking at you while the other one, which has a different agenda, is staring at the wall.  I have a hard time adjusting when confronted with a person having this condition because I never know which eye is the good one!  My focus varies back and forth, and this happened to me just a month ago.  I was speaking to a young woman in Materials Management, and I thought I was focusing on the "good eye", when it went trailing off towards the wall! 

So then I started focusing my gaze on the other eye and it did the same thing!  Finally, I just spoke to her and fixed my gaze upon the bridge of her nose.  Thankfully her eyes didn't cross otherwise I would have lost my concentration and started laughing.  A good tip here is to focus on the nose, not the eye or eyes. 

Where's The Limb? - About 6 months ago, I had a big appointment with another rep and we were going to meet the head of the supply chain for a large hospital group.  She had known him for a long time and this was my first meeting so I was a little bit nervous, but still kept calm and carried on.  When she introduced us, I held out my right hand in an offer for a hand shake but he was missing his right hand!  He held out his left and grabbed my right hand and shook it awkwardly and raised his arm.  Almost as if he was raising my hand triumphantly and that I had won a boxing match.  For a few seconds I lost my train of thought but quickly got it back, and the meeting went well.

Afterwards I asked her, "Do you think it might have been wise for you to mention Scott was missing his right hand?  That's a tidbit of information I would like to have know before the call."

She said, "I've known him so long, I don't even notice that any more."

"Yeah well I certainly noticed.  We shook hands like he was a referee and I was a boxer."

"I thought it was funny."

"Good for you. Happy to be here for your amusement.", I said and we both got a kick out of the situation.

    When confronted by a missing limb, a body part, or any physical condition not normally seen, just act normal and don't stare at the person.  It makes the situation that much more awkward.  Once when I encountered a guy who was missing a foot, I kept looking at the leg and wondering, "Where the hell is the damn foot?", as if he'd lost it under the table.  He finally noticed my fixation on his leg and said, "Did you lose something", I had to stop myself before I said, "No but you did."

Guess The Gender? - I had a customer years ago that would vacillate between being a man and then a woman.  One week he was Frank and the next week she was Leslie.  You would have thought he/she would have just called himself Leslie full time since the name is androgynous. So he/she would dress like a man than a woman, and then it just got weird.  She would dress like a woman, but looked like a man in woman's clothing.  He/she wasn't even trying hard at that point, and she/he was obviously confused. When dressed as a woman Leslie would wear no make up at all and not even do her nails.  When dressed as a man, Frank would wear eyeliner and some make up. It was a bizarre situation, and so finally, I just gave up trying to figure out exactly what gender she/he was since he/she couldn't decide.  As a matter of fact, I'm still confused.

If you're unclear on the sex of a person do not:

• Ask For Clothing Preferences - This is a dead giveaway that you suspect they are concealing something...literally.  They will shut down and stop talking to you almost immediately.
• Question What They Were Like As A Child - Absolutely avoid childhood memories because sometimes this can be painful for people who are gender confused.  Do not ask if they played with soldiers or dolls, or if their parents beat them. I know what sex I am and even I wouldn't answer those invasive questions.  
• Ask Probing Questions - These people are very private, so don't delve into what movie stars they like either male or female because chances are they might like both genders.  Remember they are asexual like a Hydra so their answers might leave you more confused then ever.

Buffalo Chip Breakfast? - How many times have you spoken to a customer or patient and their breath is so rancid you feel like throwing up?  For me this happens a lot.  Not just because there is quite a large percentage of the population who aren't aware of the odor suppressing qualities of breath mints, but some people eat food that doesn't agree with their gastrointestinal tract.  I find that this is a lot more common than the other awkward situations.   Here's some tips on how to deal with bad breath:

• Offer Gum - I carry gum with me at all times, and so I always offer them a piece.  Why?  Because gum is less offensive than offering a breath mint.  They might not think they have bad breath, so offering gum does not mean you are passing judgment on them.
• Breathe Through Your Mouth - I can remember one incident with a potential customer where the stench was so bad the other rep had to leave the room.  It was like sour milk was seeping from the walls of the room.  I had to start breathing slowing through my mouth to get through the call, and the rep excused himself to make a phone call.  When I left the room he said, "Dude I went in the bathroom and was dry heaving.  How did you make it through that call?"  I replied, "I'm a mouth breather", to which he nodded his agreement.  I wasn't sure if that was an insult but I took it as a compliment.

This is a just a few of the awkward situations we all run into during the course of a business day.  The trick to being a good rep is not let these little instances divert your attention from your ultimate goal: making the sale.

Have a great day selling!

-M