For all the time I've been in sales nothing has been more beloved or more dreaded as the National Sales Meeting. Some people absolutely love these meetings while most hate having to take almost a full week away from friends and family to mix with people you like but also people you are competing with on an annual basis. One things for sure there are always a few key fixtures at the national sales meeting:
The Sleazy Guy - In sales there are always people that are so full of themselves that they think they can bring home a girl every night of the week. And probably some of them can, but never a respectable woman. At every sales meeting there's some horny bastard talking about this hot rep or that hot rep and how he'd like to bang her and what he would do to her if he got her back to "my pleasure dome". Really dude? Save that for your buddies who believe that crap and please keep it in your pants. And what's funny is when they aren't able to keep it in their pants and they finally do get to fulfill there sleazy fantasies, they usually end up getting fired. These guys aren't too bright. Watch out for this guy ladies he's usually wearing a lot of cologne and has a lot of cheesy lines like, "Were you're parents retarded? Cause you're special.". Sorry, I just threw up in my mouth as I wrote that.
The Sleazy Girl - Every annual meeting has a sleazy girl as well. And sometimes it might be the same sleazy girl for 3 or 4 meetings in a row. You never know what's going on with this person. Sometimes they're married and just looking for a discreet short affair, or other times they're just sleazy. Typically they are known as the "Woo Hoo" girl or "Holla" girl. They know every pop song and can dance like a stripper even without a pole. They go down on every guy on the dance floor imitating fellatio and then they usually follow through on the fantasy after a few Appletinis and some shots of tequila. At one national sales meeting I literally watched a girl do 10 shots of tequila turn to me and say "I'm gonna fu#$ your brains out!", and then she started rubbing her thighs, as if she'd just finished a Thigh Master workout. She did it right in front of everyone, including her boss! My response, "No you're not Mrs. Patron. You're going to bed or you're going to pass out, or you're going to pick up an STD. But not from me!."
The "Look At Me" Sale Rep - Everyone hates this rep. This is the person that is so starved for attention they have to try to be the first one to answer a question, they have to speak up at every turn, and they have to share their nuggets of wisdom whenever they can, even without their opinion being solicited. Even the Sleazy Guy and Sleazy Girl hate this rep. It can be a man or a woman, this doesn't matter. What matters is they talk out of turn, try to challenge every speaker, and basically want everyone to notice how great they are. Well they're not great: in fact, THEY SUCK.
The Drunken Manager - There is always one of these at an annual meeting. Sometimes it's even the CEO or the Vice President. A lot of times these people are wound so tight that when they let off steam they could literally power a locomotive. They usually are tanked every night and telling you, "I love you man...you're great', even though they just met you five minutes ago. They are always overly touch feely and this pertains to both guys and girls, and it gets uncomfortable, especially when they have their hands on your genitals.
The Corporate "I Used to Be In Sales" Person - Sales reps never want to hear from a corporate officer/marketing/anything person that they used to be a great sales rep. We don't want the Alec Baldwin speech from "Glengary Glenross" that they could make $10,000 dollars tonight with the same leads you have right now. First of all, it's total bullshit, and secondly there is a reason you're not in sales anymore, you don't want to be in sales, so leave it to us. I don't want to hear about how great you were, I want to hear about how great your going to make me and the rest of the sales team. Unless you're gonna be supportive, "SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE!"
I've got to say that I'm at an annual sales meeting and I've only run into a few of these characters this year. But hey, I've still got 2 days left! I'll update y'all at the end of the week.
-M
