The Wrong Company Phone

I don't know if your company issues cell phones to employees, but a company I once worked for did, and they actually claimed they would monitor your activity.  It seems as if George Orwell's vision of the future had become a reality with governments and companies monitoring people's activity.  Today, even our private conversations are now public fodder. So when I received a Blackberry from Federal Express, I was reluctant to activate it for fear that soon "Big Brother" would be watching me.  Well it turns out that Big Brother was definitely not watching, because the person who had the number previously was utilizing his company phone for a side business of his own.

Initially. when I received the Blackberry I was annoyed that it had a 732 area code.  For those of you who are familiar with the East Coast of the United States, this is a New Jersey area code.  Yes, that's right, New Jersey. Home of famous people like Thomas Edison, Buzz Aldrin, Bruce Springstein, and of course New Jersey's most famous resident Nicole "Snooki" Pilozzi.  Her and all the other residents of the "Jersey Shore" have turned the state from the Garden State into the "Fall Down I'm In A Drunken State", and now the place is famous for great things such as the "Jersey Fist Pump".(See Picture and Diagram Below)

But the show "Jersey Shore" is not why I was upset, because at times, the show can be amusing just like Jerry Springer, or Maury Povich are amusing.  You just want to see a train wreck and  they provide you with daily train wrecks for your amusement and observation.  So you can go about your life thinking, "Man at least my life's not that screwed up".  The reason the New Jersey area code upset me is because I'm in California!   California, home of fun and sun, and beautiful guys and girls who definitely do not fist pump.  My prospects or customers would see the number and think immediately that the company was located in New Jersey and had no California address.  Which would not be true at all, in fact we had two large distribution centers in California.  But the area code was the least of my problems with the new smart phone.  The first problem came when I activated the damn thing.  I received a text message which read:

"Bro, I need a hook up for tonight I got that date and everything.  Call me."

I thought it must be a mistake, since I had just activated the phone. Why would anyone send me that kind of text?  

"Bro, why are you not calling me.  I wanna score something tonight.  Hook a brutha up and call me...laters"

Now this message seemed a bit distressing since I am not a complete idiot and I know that when you "score" something it either means a girl, guy, or drugs.  I assumed this message meant drugs, and I was not disappointed because the next text message, from a different number, confirmed my theory.

"Yo, what type of sh#t are you bringing to the party tonight?  I'm bringing the booze, but I know you're bringing the PARTY!!!!!!  Right?  Holla back so we can hook up for some pre party stuff."

Keep in mind, for those of you who are literate, I am inserting punctuation so the text reads correctly. It seems that currently, we don't feel a need for any type of punctuation, even in a so called "literate" society.  The real texts were without punctuation, except for the '!!!!", and capital letters.  I guess that's more "street" or hip. What would I know?  I'm a dork. I thought long and carefully about responding to the texts, however I figured it would be best to just ignore the request and eventually the texts would stop.

 

But then the phone started ringing and all the calls were from 732,646,917, and 516. New York City or New Jersey.  I didn't answer the phone because first and foremost I didn't want to feel obligated to help the person on the other line with their "issue".  And what the hell was I gonna do for them anyway? And as I could see the voicemails kept coming, I decided to listen to them out of curiosity. 

"Yo bro, Are you gonna call me or what?  I got this hot bitch lined up for tonight and I wanna give her a buzzzzzzzz before we go out.  Keep her wound tight.  Where ya at?"

" Yo, yo, yo, what's up?!!! I need to score some uhhh "fun" for this weekend, I got some friends coming in, so call me."

" Hey ______, are you coming for Thanksgiving tomorrow?  If you are, bring some sh#t so we can get WASTED dude.  Later."

"Yo, yo, I have booze for tomorrow but bring some of the good E.  Haha or GOOD "Es" should I say.  Hahaha. Hit me back."

 

Apparently, this person definitely had some connection to drugs. I know for a fact that "E" stands for Ecstasy, and he apparently had some type of hook up to that drug in particular but who knows what he was supplying to people.  I was starting to get paranoid because the phone kept ringing, especially one 732 number in particular and thought to myself:

"Oh great!  All the buyers are pissed off at this guy, and so essentially there mad at me! They're expecting me to come through for them. Where am I going to Ecstasy at this hour and how am I gonna get it to New York and New Jersey!"

Then I realized they didn't know me, so why should I care? I'll just turn the phone off, which I did. Problem solved.  At that very instant, there was someone pounding at my front door.  Pounding so hard, and so LOUD, that my dog started barking, which she never does.  I was freaking out now. Was it the police? Did they trace the phone to my place and now I was going take the fall for this former employee's little drug empire?  I couldn't go to jail, I'd never last as some one's "bitch". 

 

Or maybe it was a competing drug dealer, who knew I was now in this market and who was looking to rub me out?  He was probably outside with an uzi just waiting for me to open the door so he could fill me full of bullet holes.  I was losing it.

 

I decided to hide in the closet, because that was all I could think of to do.  I thought this was a brilliant plan since cops or angry drug dealers never look for perpetrators in the closet. I sat there in the dark, and I just waited for the pounding and barking to stop which it did, and then I heard a car or truck pull away from outside the house.  I was free....for now.

I slowly opened the door and saw a little package lying on the welcome mat.  I grabbed it, and quickly closed the door.  As I carried it to the kitchen, I thought it must be a bomb, or some other incendiary device from a rival gang who already knew about my dealings with clients in New Jersey and NYC. I carefully laid it down on the table and looked at the labels. It looked normal enough, and it was from out of state.  I didn't get close enough to read the label because I didn't want it to blow up. Instead I set it on the ground for the dog to sniff at, hoping she would miraculously change into some bomb sniffer, or that if it did go off at least she would be the only casualty.  She pushed it with her nose and I covered my ears but nothing.   I picked up the package and looked at the label.  It read:

"Happy Thanksgiving From _____________ Healthcare"

I was confused by the cheery message, and then my personal phone rang.  I looked at the number and it was from my company's corporate office so I answered.

"Hi M.  This is Dave from _____  IT.  Heh I need you to help you set up your new phone.  Do you have time right now."

"Yeah I guess Dave.  I've been getting all kinds of weird messages on this phone.  Who was the last person who had this number anyway?"

" Beats me.  What's the area code anyway?"

" It's 732."

" Oh that's Jersey.  Probably a rep in NY or something.  I don't know who get's what numbers until I set them up.  Why do you ask?"

" I keep getting weird texts and phone calls from the East Coast. "

" Well just ignore them, I'm sure they'll stop calling.  Or change the voicemail and people will get the idea.  "

That was easy for him to say, he didn't have people counting on him for Ecstasy and other drugs in order to have a Happy Thanksgiving.  He didn't have the cops on his tail and rival dealers ready to kill him at a moment's notice.  Sometimes people are just clueless.  

He took his time and helped me set up the Blackberry, and eventually the calls and texts stopped after a week, but I missed my time as a potential part time drug dealer with an East Coast connection.  As the texts trailed off, I was almost tempted to answer them just to keep the conversations going, but I knew if that happened soon there would be that familiar sound of banging at the front door from the police....or a delivery guy.  I was thinking the whole time that Dave, the IT guy, didn't have any idea how close I had come to getting thrown in the "slammer", or worse...killed.  And then I thought of what Dave looked like, and how long he would last in jail, the big wimp.  He couldn't do the hard time like me, like a dealer.  I held up my new company phone, rubbed on the texts, and missed calls, and thought to myself,

 "I'm such a bad ass!" 

Have a great day!

Florida: Why Is It The First Choice For National Meetings?

Since I have been working in Sales at various corporations, I can't count on both hands how many times the National Meeting has been scheduled in the sunny state of Florida.  Which for those of you who weren't Math majors in grade school, high school, or college that means more than 10 times.  Why is Florida the destination for so many national meetings?  Well there are a number of reasons why the Sunshine State is the first and last choice for so many corporations to hold  their National Meetings:

1.) It's Warm - For East Coast people this is a vacation spot, and a place to get away from the cold.  In fact many of them probably have parents who live in Florida during the winter, so they can even visit them while they're in town for the meeting.  The nice weather will make a great retreat for so many people already sick of snow in January, February, or even March. Let's face it, if your from the East Coast, Midwest, or Central states, the place to go is Florida.

2.) It's Cheap - Since the CEO just gave himself a raise, he/she can't be wasting money on an extravagant meeting in a nice place, so Florida is the next best thing.  The room rates are more than accommodating and you can stay in a nice place for cheap. Hell you can even find a nice pant suit at one of the hundreds of local flea markets.  Who doesn't need a good pair of $2 plaid pants to wear on the golf course.  The rates on hotels, food, and even airfare are very reasonable and make Florida a prime destination spot for meetings.

3.) The Elderly - Since most places in Florida are filled with elderly people, there will be little to distract the participants in a National Meeting.  What are they gonna do, go to Olive Garden, and pick up girls or guys? One thing I will say is there are a lot of strip clubs especially in the Tampa area, so this could be a distraction.  However, with elderly men taking up most of the prime spots around the stage, the young male participants in meetings would rather have a seat in the hotel bar, then next to an old man's dentures in a glass at a strip club.  More elderly, less distractions, so this keeps people involved in the daily activities.

4.) The Resorts - Florida is LOADED with resorts.  In Clearwater Beach you can throw a rock and hit maybe 10 resort hotels within a 5 mile radius.  The resorts allow the people who coordinate the meeting to keep everyone at the resort and reduces the amount of "stray" employees.  Since everything the people need is at the resort, why should they go anywhere else?  However keep in mind, that some of these places are resort in name only.  One year I stayed at an older "resort" which seemed to be more of an overgrown hotel then an actual resort.  The food was terrible, the beach was small, and our fellow guests were frightening. I was lucky to escape that meeting alive.

5.) The Alligators - I don't understand why, but alligators are everywhere in Florida.  You can be walking in the parks and almost step on one.  It's alarming how they just lie around like lawn furniture in so many different parts of the state.  Yet if you're having a National Meeting, they make an ideal deterrent for people who try to leave the resort.

All it takes is a subtle hint to participants like, "Please be careful not to leave the grounds, there are alligators everywhere and the company cannot be liable for your safety outside of the resort." 

This works every time to help keep people in line and in attendance for the meetings.  Although sometimes it feels as if you're going to die, sitting through 3-4 days of Hell Week, the alternative is death, and no one wants to die trying to make it to a Chili's or a strip club.  It's safer to just attend the meetings, get a good night's sleep, and not sacrifice a limb.

Have a great day selling and look forward to your next National Meeting....in Florida!

-M

Types of Decision Makers - The Liar

How many times have you been fooled by this type of decision maker?  Other people will analyze them and tell you their the Amiable type, the Supportive type, or the Analytical type, but if they don't give you a straight answer then to me they're a liar.  Plain and simple.  It's not hard to characterize this type of decision maker, because there is one trait consistent in all of them; THEY FRIGGIN LIE! Right to your face, and to quote from the show "Seinfeld". "It's not a lie...if you believe it"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vn_PSJsl0LQ

So I'm assuming these types of DM's have seen this episode many times and have practiced lying to sales people, employees, and even their families.  These are the types of people who have 3 kids in the family and tell each of them that "Daddy/Mommy loves you the most".  I have no sympathy when they get a bum deal from another company because they deserve all the bad karma I can throw at them.

Here are a few signs you might be dealing with a Liar:

1.) Avoids Eye Contact At All Costs -  The Liar will not look at you when you ask a direct question as to why they either like or don't like your proposal/product/etc.  They'll say, "It sounds good" as they look at their computer screen, cell phone, or anything to distract their attention.  Why?  Cause they're LYING!  And believe it or not some of them have a soul....some of them, so they feel guilty. Good!

2.) The Polite Smile - They Liar will give polite smiles when you ask for confirmation or affirmation about a product or service.  The "smile" will look almost painful to you, as if they have something lodged in their shoe, or severe indigestion, or worse gas.  It's more of a grimace then a smile and when you shake hands to leave and they tell you, "This all looks great", that will be the most painful smile of all, and it will be obvious they are full of shit.

3.) Touching Of the Face Or Head - The Liar will sometimes inadvertently touch their face like their nose, or cheek, or scratch their ear when they are in the midst of telling a lie.  They might look off into the distance and scratch their nose or ear.  Either way they might be lying and most likely your getting screwed out of a sale, even though they can't admit it.  If they continually touch their face and head, maybe they have a compulsive disorder, or a nervous tic, but this is unlikely.  What is more like is they are LYING!

4.) Nervous Gestures - The Liar will sometimes gesture nervously, and seem uncomfortable under questioning.  Even though you're being polite, sometimes the supportive type of personality will feel guilty about not buying and act nervous.  This is an easy sign to spot so you should try and drill down so you can at least get an honest answer.

5.) Easily Distracted - Liars are easily led down another path, other than why or why they aren't choosing your product or company.  Sometimes to make you feel better, the amiable or supportive type of personality will want to talk about personal rather than business matters.  They want to put you at ease, before they rip your heart out, and don't buy your product or service.

Keep in mind, that if you don't feel comfortable in a sales call, the chances are they aren't comfortable either and this could lead to trouble in closing the account/client.  If you get a "bad feeling" it's best not to ignore it and start asking the decision maker how they feel about yourself and the company. Now keep in mind, this doesn't mean that everyone is lying.  So don't get a bad feeling and blow the sale by being a "Psychotic Sales Rep" and harassing the client/DM/customer.  Just try to find out where they are at in the sale and make sure your getting honest answers.  It's better to hear a "NO" now, rather than a "NO" after 6 months of trying to sell the account and being lied to for that entire period of time.
Keep in mind that the phrase "Buyers Are Liars", is not that far from the truth.

Good luck and good selling!

-M

You Are The Most Important Person At Your Company

Working for years in Operations, you always drink the Kool-Aid, and think that everyone is created equally, and that the CEO made you in his own image.  Which for me is a bit frightening since our CEO is short, balding, and dresses like a yachtsman.  In fact, I think he may have been one half of the duo "The Captain and Tennille" who had a few hits in the 1970's, including my personal favorite, "Muskrat Love".  Our CEO prefers polo shirts with navy blazers and khaki pants.  I look at him and think he's an extra from the movie "Caddyshack".  In fact he could have been Ted Knight's golf partner.

Yet working in Operations, you believe that  EVERYONE is important to the operation, and EVERYONE can take part in the company's success.  Yet what, or rather who, drives the business?  Sales people that's who! YOU are the most important person working at your company.

I don't care how much this offends other people in your organization, and I was one of those other people, without sales there is no organization.  Sorry service, administrative, and support people, but SALES IS WHERE THE JOURNEY BEGINS. Without a sale there would be no need for administration, or operations, or even service.  There would be nothing.  So if you ever start to feel down, or you're having a bad day and people are giving you a hard time, just think secretly to yourself,

"I'm more important than you are to this company. So kiss my ass."

And again, I stated to say it secretly because you don't want to piss everyone off, then your sales will never go through.  Remember, "You is good, you is kind, you is important".

Have a good day selling!

-M

Is Sales The Best Job Ever?!

I find it amusing when people give you advice like, "Find something you're good at, and that you love to do, and make that your job."  Really?  What planet do you live on?  I'm not sure you can get paid for playing "Call of Duty" or "Madden 2012"? Because not everyone has the luxury of doing what they love to do.  Albeit the "Professor Positive" people will tell you that you just have to never give up your dream.  What kind of messed up, alternate reality do these people live in?

Unlike Disney movies, dreams do not always come true.  I think the truth is that you try to find something which suits your skill set in life, and make that your career.  Because you'll be successful, and you won't get depressed and want to kill yourself or your boss.  In all honesty, not all jobs are created equal, and not everybody gets the job they want, but more like the job they can do and they can tolerate. Pretty sad huh?

With one major exception.  Sales reps.  In my opinion, I like the job, but I'm not in love with the job. But what a great job it is!  Think about it.  No one puts together our schedule for us, we're not required to be in an office everyday, and we get to interact with people daily.  It's great! If you are a rep in an office daily, I'm sorry but your job does suck, and you probably have a boss who's an idiot.

Sure we have a lot of pressure to sell, but we also have a lot of free time to do things like pick up our kids, drop off our kids, go to our kid's soccer games, help our kids with homework, and do something else with our kids.  Or if you have no kids, you have time to go shopping, get a bite to eat, nap, plan out your weekend, or go pick up your sister's kids.  The point being we have no set schedule, without out our own input.  We are running our own little business.  Personally, I think that's awesome.

I have been blowing out my numbers again this year, and this week I was offered another management position with the company.  I was flattered by the offer, but I had to weigh the issue carefully.  Did I want to give up my freedom so that I could impinge my will upon poor, unsuspecting reps? Or did I remain a rep and keep my open schedule and my daily naps at 4 pm?  After finding out the salary it was an easy decision.  I turned it down.  The VP was not terribly happy:

"I don't understand, you told me you were interested in managing reps again, so why are you turning down this opportunity?"

"Don't get me wrong, I do appreciate the offer, but I won't make as much as I'm making now, even with a high base salary.  It doesn't make any sense for me to change because the commission structure is not that good for managers.  I'm sorry it's a great opportunity but just not for me."

"Sometimes we all have to take a cut in pay to move up the ladder."

"Really?  Why? I'm confused.  Doesn't moving up mean you'll make more money?"

"Not necessarily.  I had to take a cut in pay when I moved into management."

"Well, I really don't understand why that's a requirement.  If anything you should reward those people with more money.  They now have more of the responsibility and less of the fun." 

"Fun?"

" Yeah fun.  Being in sales can be a lot of fun.  You see people, take them to lunch, some of them are even happy to see you.  It's fun.  When you become a manager there's no more fun."

She laughed. "I guess I can see that.  But you can't move up unless your a manager. "

"Well than I guess I'll just stay put.  It's a good opportunity just not for me. Thanks."

" Are you sure?  I was so sure you say yes."

" Yep, I'm sure.  Thanks again."

     Most of the other reps thought I was crazy, but why leave the best job ever to inherit the headache and heartache of being a manager.  A job where you get none of the credit and all of the blame.  When I was the top sales manager of the West in 2000, my reps got all the credit.  I had 4 and they were great, but who trained those reps, who rode with those reps, and who lead those reps: ME.  But did anyone thank me for leading the team?  Nope.  So they got all the credit, and I got a "promotion".  What I got was another mess to clean up in a bigger location, which I did, and what happened?  The reps got the credit again, and really they should, but as a manager you resent it.  If you're in a position to be promoted, ask them to SHOW YOU THE MONEY!  You have to justify, if giving up your "freedom", is really worth the money, and the politics of being a manager.  Sometimes it's just not.

Be thankful you're alive, be thankful you're healthy, and be thankful you're a sales rep. It really is a great job!  Maybe not the best job ever, but for me it's pretty darn close. Have a good day selling!

-M