Death By Meeting

I have been working in various businesses for over 30 years.  I've done everything from putting windows in RV's, to working in a warehouse, to delivering uniforms, to selling medical supplies, and I even spent 2 years working in the financial sector.  However in all the years of working, never has anything killed business momentum quicker than an over abundance of meetings.  They are time consuming, often boring, and most of the time unnecessary.  Managers seem to be the only employees who insist on meetings, and seriously I believe it's because they want to have evidence they are doing something, besides sitting on their asses. I was a manager for almost 20 years and I had meetings once per week, but they were extremely brief and extremely focused.  I preferred to allow my employees to do their jobs rather than wasting time attending meetings.

One of the companies I worked for had meetings every morning to start the work day and ending it with a conference call or a meeting.  It was grueling, stupid, and completely senseless.  Supposedly it was to help us stay focused on the task at hand, but all it did was alienate the employees and piss off their families who were waiting for them at home.  If we didn't get the idea that we needed to improve after the first 3 meetings, were weren't going to be successful anyway, so the meetings simply reminded us of what "losers" were really were, or pushed us to leave a company which was absolutely clueless with regards to employee morale.  And this is the dilemma that companies have today.  They now treat people like property or an asset rather than a person.  Many companies really don't give a shit about your health, your family, or your well being. They care about share holders.

I can remember those twice per day meetings vividly.  We would take bets on when the HR manager was going to fall asleep, or when the Customer Service Manager would ask to be excused to use the bathroom.  It was as if everyone in that conference room did not want to be there and had to think of some excuse to get out of the meeting.  Even the General Manager who organized the meetings! He would tell me to lead the meeting instead, and he would go home. I suppose my time, my spouse, and my kids were much less important than his. 

   I remember one time, my friend had his wife call and say there was an emergency at home and so could he be excused. And his plan worked!  He went home and then came back with some story about a busted water heater, the next day.  The whole story was completely fabricated and his wife was in on it! Meetings cause this type of animosity from your family, so beware of going to too many meetings.  Near the end it got so bad that each participant was thinking up a different excuse on a daily basis.  Here are a few excuses people used at the time to get out of attending each meeting:

1. Doctor's Appointment: This is a simple one and often used, but too often people make stuff up and then don't remember the details of their lies.  It's best to set an appointment and then just not go or cancel at the last moment.  That way you have a doctor's name, and the "ailment" you may or may not have to refer to for your excuse.
2. Family Emergency - Using this excuse to miss a meeting is wonderful.  Why? Because this could mean anything, from a dog being sick, to a child's allergic reaction to peanuts.  It encompasses a lot, and can be used multiple times, but keep in mind you need to vary the emergency.  You can't have a busted water heater two weeks in a row.  That would look a bit "fishy".
3. Customer/Client Appointment - Another great reason to miss a meeting because you're supposedly working, but in reality you are really on your way home.  Then if you're asked how did the appointment go, you simply say it was cancelled.  Technically, not a lie because you're the one who cancelled it. 
4. Child's Pageant/Show/Game/Teacher Conference etc. - Many managers have children so usually they understand this excuse for leaving.  Because for some reason they are actually trying to be good parents as well.  This works well especially if you have a lot of children,  because you can come up with various reasons for missing the meeting.  Don't abuse this one though...
5. Illness - Now this could be an illness that you might have like a cold, cough, the flu, or it could be a family member who is ill as well.  It's up to your discretion on how to spin this little yarn, but be sure not to over do it.  Otherwise, people will be wondering how you were able to recover from malaria in a day or two.

I know that a lot of people who will read this might think, "Oh why should I make up an excuse to miss a meeting?  Isn't lying just wrong?"

Not in this case.  What's wrong is that meetings are being done more for the benefit of managers as a forum to reprimand and punish employees rather than being constructive and offering tools for your success. 

And remember the words of the immortal George Costanza, "It's not a lie, if you believe it."

Have a great day selling!

-M

Business Lessons From The Zombie Apocalypse

Zombies are a big hit nowadays in television shows like "The Walking Dead", and of course movies, like "World War Z", but there are also a lot of lessons to be learned from the impending zombie apocalypse. Not just simple lessons like the "doubletap" and "cardio", from the movie "Zombieland", but there are real business lessons to be drawn from the theater of the damned.  If you follow these simple guidelines, you'll be able to manage today's business climate, and wade through a herd of zombies as well.

1. Trust No One - It seems that family members are always eating other family members in the zombie apocalypse and really the same can apply to business.  The worst business decision I ever made, was because I trusted a friend who then became my business partner, and it turned out to be the worst business transaction I ever conducted.  It set my financial plans back 5 years, and only because I blindly followed my friend into a deal, and then got gobbled up by a crew of "walkers" waiting for me and my money. Trust no one with your money or your career...not even your mother. 
2. Align Yourself - It seems that in the post apocalyptic world people are always aligning themselves with others just to stay alive, because there are threats everywhere.  Your business career isn't much different.  You have to be careful that you choose the "right" side, meaning the side that which will propel your career forward rather than bring it to a terrifying halt.  15 years ago I was in a position to choose sides in a conflict between two area vice presidents and unfortunately for me, I chose the "wrong" side.  My boss ended up getting let go even though he was the best manager in the nation, because he aligned himself with the losing side. However, the way it was explained to us was that after 10 years with the same company, he suddenly wasn't a "culture fit".  WTF?  I, in turn,was never given a promotion after that even though I led the region in sales. Unlike me, choose your sides wisely and hopefully you'll come out a "winner".
3. Tread Lightly - In many corporate cultures there are people waiting to feast on your flesh, just like a zombie.  They are miserable little vermin and so they choose to make other people feel the same way. They may not like you for some odd reason; maybe it's your hairstyle, the way you dress, or even your perfume,  and they in turn will seek to ruin your career.  If you come across anyone who can influence your career in some way, be sure to tread lightly around that person, because if you draw their attention due to something negative, they may seek to end your climb up the corporate ladder.  I've seen perfectly good people taken down by a person who is just jealous of their success, and so they make up lies to soil that person's reputation, and derail their career.  After all, misery loves company. 
4. Savor The Moments - When you have zombies consistently trying to kill you, it's best to enjoy each and every moment you're alive.  The same applies to the business world. You need to have balance in your life.  Let me repeat that phrase, "YOU NEED TO HAVE BALANCE IN YOUR LIFE". Regardless of what you believe, corporations do not give a damn about you or your family.  Your boss might care a little bit, but they are just trying to survive as well, so don't give your life up to a company and expect something in return, because you'll be sorely disappointed.  Enjoy time with your family and friends outside of work and don't spend every waking hour thinking about your company because I guarantee you, people in the "C Suite" aren't thinking about you.  Savor those moments and don't let your career run your life, believe me, there is no pot of gold at the end of that rainbow, just an angry leprechaun with a severance package.
5. Save For The Future - In the world of zombies there are no pension plans or payments from social security.  Guess what folks, there aren't any pension plans or social security payments in your future either! Unlike generations past, all of the responsibility for your health and welfare is on you.  So just like in the zombie apocalypse you need to save for the future; both for yourself and your family.  50 years ago you could work for a company for 30 years, collect a pension, and have a lifetime of health care coverage.  Well an atom bomb was dropped on that dream in the 1980's and now we all have to fend for ourselves.  So put a little bit away everyday, every week, and every month so that you and your kids don't starve, or even worse you can't afford to pay for satellite television.

Be safe out there and don't let the "walkers" get to you.  Have a great day selling!

-M

Bullying Is Not Just For Football Players And Children

In light of the recent events involving the Miami Dolphins and the controversy in their locker room, bullying has become a hot topic.  Parents have been complaining about bullies for years, but now that these types of tactics have crossed over to the workplace, the media has only shed more light on the issue. However, people have to keep in mind that this kind of behavior takes place not only in school yards, on buses, or in locker rooms.  It's a pretty prevalent part of many work place environments.

Bosses consistently bully their employees to "motivate" them, which is almost comical.  I have never felt motivated when my boss threatened me with my job.  In fact, there were times when I thought to myself, "this is fucked up being threatened everyday with unemployment."  I can remember one boss that told me, "You'll do everything I say or you won't have a job at the end of the day."  Being young and ignorant, I believed him, but as I got older I realized people like him were just full of shit.  They couldn't actually fire me unless I did someone grossly unethical, like stealing, or leaving feces on his desk.  Believe it or not I do know someone who did leave a "present" on his boss' desk, and no one could prove it was him who had perpetrated the crime, so he wasn't fired.  I was amazed at this for two reasons.  Number one, he actually climbed up on the desk and took a dump, and number two...he actually climbed up on the desk and took a dump!    Outside of the show "Jackass", I didn't think people actually did that kind of sh..stuff.

In any case, whenever I have encountered a boss who was a bully, I immediately began searching for another job and then quit the position, and probably so did the person after me, and the person after that person, and so on. Bullies are simply assholes, and most people don't want to work for an asshole. Unless of course you're a masochist and in that case you should read "50 Shades Of Grey" which is an entirely different story than this one.  Literally.

So why does this problem persist everywhere despite our best efforts to rid ourselves of bullies.  Why?  Because it's in some people's nature to be a bully.  They feel inadequate, even though they might be in a career position and so they use intimidation and threats to create a workplace of fear for their employees or coworkers.  In order for them to feel adequate or to accomplish anything they must rely on others for success and so they use techniques such as alienation, disaffection, and even isolation.  Bullying occurs so much in the work place that there are entire websites devoted to work place bullies and how these types of individuals are counter productive to the health of any organization. There is even a website named the Workplace Bullying Institute. It focuses on the education and prevention of bullying in the workplace.  They offer advice to individuals and employers on what to do in the invent there is bullying going on within their organization. 

Here are some signs from them that you are being bullied courtesy of the WBI (all WBI recommendations are in italics and our recommended responses are in red): http://www.workplacebullying.org/individuals/problem/early-signs/

Experiences At Work

• You attempt the obviously impossible task of doing a new job without training or time to learn new skills, but that work is never good enough for the boss.
• RESPONSE: Do mediocre work for your bully and then advise them it's the "the best work I've ever done". 
• Surprise meetings are called by your boss with no results other than further humiliation
• RESPONSE: Attend all meetings with your boss while wearing an African tribal mask.
• Everything your tormenter does to you is arbitrary and capricious, working a personal agenda that undermines the employer's legitimate business interests
• RESPONSE: Create your own personal agenda and document every capricious little thing the bastard does to torment you.
• Others at work have been told to stop working, talking, or socializing with you
• RESPONSE: Advise others at work that your bully has terrible body odor and this is why you were told to not socialize for fear you would reveal this tidbit of information.
• You are constantly feeling agitated and anxious, experiencing a sense of doom, waiting for bad things to happen
• RESPONSE: Start drinking in the afternoon or at breaks to ease your tension.
• No matter what you do, you are never left alone to do your job without interference
• RESPONSE: Make up a story that you were at a gun range and became mildly deaf in both ears and can't hear a thing your tormenter is saying.  Then remind him/her that you learned how to shoot several different types of guns in the last week.
• People feel justified screaming or yelling at you in front of others, but you are punished if you scream back
• RESPONSE: Don't scream back but leave post it notes on your desk reminding you to skin dead animal carcasses after work, and little notes like "Learn how to kill without guilt." This will scare the shit out of the bully.
• HR tells you that your harassment isn't illegal, that you have to "work it out between yourselves"
• RESPONSE: Advise HR that you tried to work it out but the bully kept advising that the best way to resolve the issue was sexually.  This is sure to get them fired.
• You finally, firmly confront your tormentor to stop the abusive conduct and you are accused of harassment
• RESPONSE:  Explain to HR that you only responded in kind when you refused to have sex with your tormenter.
• You are shocked when accused of incompetence, despite a history of objective excellence, typically by someone who cannot do your job
• RESPONSE: Learn to ignore the accusations, start looking for another job, and draw crude and horrible pictures, depicting someone murdering your bully.
• Everyone -- co-workers, senior bosses, HR -- agrees (in person and orally) that your tormentor is a jerk, but there is nothing they will do about it (and later, when you ask for their support, they deny having agreed with you)
• RESPONSE: Trust no one and make quiet comments to yourself about how you're going to burn down the building.
• Your request to transfer to an open position under another boss is mysteriously denied
• RESPONSE: Find out where your bully lives and leave threatening notes in their mailbox from "The Cleaner".

Please keep in mind I am not making light of the situation with regards to bullying. The responses are intended to be funny and absurd.  If you are being bullied at work, my suggestion is that you document every incident and try to remain objective about the entire situation.  If you let emotions get involved then that will just make the situation worse. When you have accumulated enough information to build a case against your tormenter, then report the incidents to HR and request that they investigate the matter objectively.  This will make you seem very professional and the bully will look like an idiot. Either way, don't let the situation fester or it will only get worse.  Keep calm and carry on.

Have a great day!

-M