The Idiot Conspiracy

For the last hour I have been texting back and forth with someone from my former company about the lack of intelligence within the organization's management.  Which reminded me of a book I've mentioned previously on this blog called "How To Work For An Idiot", by John Hoover.  The book is well written and insightful but focuses mainly on how to deal with a boss who is an idiot, yet if you are a boss who actually admits to being an idiot, then it offers advice on how to cure your idiocy.

It is a good read, but it doesn't address the real problem, which is why do idiots ever get promoted in the first place?  I have had so many supervisors, managers, regional managers, vice presidents, and even CEO's that are terrible leaders, that I am beginning to think that idiots are conspiring to control the world.  People seem to worry a great deal about global warming and natural gas fracking,  but it seems that "The Idiot Conspiracy" has been overlooked by the media  Why?  Because they're in on the conspiracy.  Idiots are everywhere, even in the media.

Crazy people are always looking for signs of the impending apocalypse and while the proliferation of idiots does not mean the end of our world is near, it does mean that we appear to be regressing as a species rather than evolving. Below I've listed a few warning signs that idiots are taking over the world:

• The Kardashians - I have no idea why or how this family became so popular, with the exception that Kim Kardashian made a sex tape, became somewhat famous, and her mother exploited this fame through marketing.  What frightens me is this is one of the most popular families on the planet, and none of them have gone on to pursue any type of higher education. The lesson here for parents is that if you have a pretty young daughter, hook her up with a rapper with a big penis, secretly or not so secretly film the encounter, and then sell it on the Internet.  Pretty soon you'll have a career as reality television stars, and you'll make a lot of money, exploiting her sisters as well.   Does everyone forget that this is really how Kim  initially became famous?  I have to give Kris Jenner credit though for her marketing skills.  She's a guru at exposing her daughters assets for money.   
• Honey Boo Boo - When someone first mentioned this show to me, I had no idea what they were talking about.  And then I watched an episode and the show is stupid for the most part, hilarious in some parts, and terrifying for the most part. It follows the life of an overweight toddler who competes in beauty pageants and her messed up family.  Jesus people actually live like this? It is both tragic and funny, but simply idiotic.  And what's even more terrifying is that I found myself looking forward to the next episode!
• Our Attention Spans - I don't know about you, but I find myself "multi-tasking" all the time.  And what I mean by multi-tasking is not, putting together a sales plan, talking on the phone, and updating my salesforce.com data.  More specifically, I am watching television, surfing the Internet on my computer, and playing a game app like "Plants Vs. Zombies" on my tablet in succession.  I have the attention span of a small child, and with the advent of new technologies we are all reducing our attention spans.  Which means, it's difficult for us to focus for long periods of time on...I'm sorry I just saw something posted on Twitter about kittens.  See what I mean?!  How are scientists and researchers supposed to survive the onslaught of multi media long enough to discover something new, or advance science. 
• Your Boss - As we progress as a race, we also are becoming more self indulgent, more narcissistic, and more into ourselves.  Consequently, your boss is not going to be empathetic towards your situation and how you are affected by his/her demeanor.  In fact, they are going to be pissed at you for not helping advance their careers.  In the past fifty years, parents have effectively raised a nation of people focused on mainly themselves and how they feel as individuals.  And that's not any one's fault, but the result is a group of people trying to work together with entirely different agendas. The reason your boss is an idiot is because he/she can't understand why you aren't trying to help them with their goals, rather than focusing on your own.  A lot of them simply don't have the capacity for understanding because they weren't reared that way.  The empathy gene is being systematically "weeded" out of us.  That's why your boss is a prick, and why he/she promotes little pricks.
• Your Company - If you work for a company you love, then good for you.  However for the most part, a lot people work for corporations, and corporations report to shareholders.  As a result the management is subject to shareholders interests which most of the time is earnings.  Shareholders don't really invest in a company for the social impact the company has on the environment, education, or the populace.  They invest to make money, and the actions of the company are subsequently to make money for the shareholders.  That's how it works.  Shareholders don't give a shit about how happy the employees are, whether the company is exploiting third world workers, or whether they are polluting the environment.  None of that stuff matters to a shareholder...they want earnings.  Subsequently, you are an asset or a liability and that is all.  We are no longer seen as people, even though we may think we are.  A perfect example for me happened ten years ago when my boss, a loyal employee of 15 years with my company, was let go because they felt his position wasn't needed.  He was the best boss I ever had, and still is a great friend.  But the company wasn't interested in the fact that he'd mentored about 20 managers or that he bled the company colors, they wanted to save a few dollars because his salary was too high.  They eliminated his job, then promoted a lesser skilled manager 6 months later and the whole branch went to hell. They never made a profit afterwards.  This is how stupid companies have become.  They look at short term profit and earnings and not long term growth and stability.  Why?  Because they're run by idiots.

However, despite idiots propagating more idiots, there is hope.  If we take a stand together and decide to stand up to stupidity all across the globe, we can stop the Idiot Conspiracy.  If your boss is an idiot, then tell him/her they are an idiot, but be sure to do it in front of someone else who agrees.  If your coworkers are acting dumb, then tell them to stop being an idiot.  And if for some reason you are an idiot, then get help.  There is a great place to go to reduce your addiction to stupidity.  It's called a "library".  Together we can stop the lunacy and save the world.

Have a great day selling!

-M

Are Toddlers Just Drunks?

We've all seen it before, a toddler stumbling around the living room, holding out their hand to brace themselves.  Barely able to walk, mumbling to themselves, and swearing in some indiscernible language.  They wave their hands around and laugh at themselves, all signs of some form of intoxication, but we ignore the early warning signs.  We say things like:
" Oh isn't that cute!"
" He's trying to talk, look at him moving his little lips."
" She'll be walking in no time, look at her."

We are all just blind to the fact that besides being cute, these children are just plain drunks.  I don't know what the kid is drinking in the picture above, but it isn't milk.  Perhaps a White Russian? I understand that here in the United States there is a problem with binge drinking and it might all stem from the fact that toddlers seem intoxicated most of the time.  However, we try to ignore all the obvious warning signs:

1. Exhibit Incoherent Speech - Like most of the scenes from the show "Cops", infants and toddlers display a definite pattern of slurred speech, or in some cases no speech at all.  I understand that their grasp of the human language is not fully formed at this point, but they could at least blurt out a "mom" or "da da ". However like most drunks I know, they just babble and spit bubbles.
2. Unable To Walk A Straight Line - It's sad when you see people on the side of the road struggling to pass a drunk test, but look at your kids every once in a while and you will see the same sort of stumbling, bumbling drunkenness.  Thank god they're not old enough to drive yet, because that would be a nightmare.  They're legs are wobbly they struggle to stay balanced, and in some cases they fall down fairly hard, and even right on their little faces. 
3. Prone To Fits Of Rage - Like all drunks, toddlers have a tendency towards acts of violence.  I watched one night in horror as my friend's little girl ceaselessly batted the head of my poor dog until the dog was nearly unconscious.  It was a terrible scene with the child smiling the entire time as it viciously brought its fists down upon the poor little pup.  I finally had to step in and move the dog away before it was knocked senseless and suffered brain damage.  It was terrifying! 
4. Fall Asleep Anywhere In Any Position - I have seen so many drunk people fall asleep in their food. In fact, I myself have fallen asleep while leaning over a plate of food at a Denny's. However kids take this drunken sleepiness to an entirely new level.  I have seen them with food in their tiny hands, fall over onto the floor and sleep like they've been shot from behind.  I have seen children with their heads stuck between bars in a crib, asleep from the drunken debauchery of the night prior.
5. Urinate On Themselves Or Others - I can remember when a drunk guy tried to pee on me when I was out partying one night, and I can remember many times seeing a child try peeing on another one, supposedly by accident.  It's all a ruse.  They have little bladder control just like their older brethren, and so it's socially acceptable for them to pee on everyone and everything.  I say "nay tiny tinklers, do no spread your urine on me.

There are a great many other traits which, if you are observant, you will see toddlers or need I say drunks exhibiting on a daily basis. You may not foresee this as a problem, but I say parents lock up your liquor cabinets and don't give your kids the opportunity to start early on this terrible vice.

Have a great weekend!

-M

The Secret To Your Success...

I read all kinds of really poorly written, overly hyped, crap.  I literally mean it is crap and that I should wipe my ass with the book after I've finished reading it.  There are so many promotional con men writing books on sales that I get nauseous reading them, and feel the need to burn the book afterwards.  But why are these people successful?  Why are people reading this BS?  The answer is simple. Because we need outside motivation.  Because we want someone to hand us a key that says "do this and you'll be successful."  Because we want it easy...isn't that it?

I was driving last week and listening to sports talk radio when I passed from one area of the state to another and the station changed and I ended up hearing a business program on an entirely different station.  Apparently the guest on the show was some wildly successful sales expert who I had never heard of before, and I was intrigued.  I listened to this person speak for a while about HIS life experiences and how great a person HE was, and how inspirational HIS kids were, and how wonderful HIS wife was, and what a great life HE had, and I realized this guy is truly self motivated.
HIS enthusiasm for HIS life is what he transfers to people who listen to him, and who need motivation.  He is so excited about how wonderful he thinks he is, that people are drawn to him.  Why?  I could hear right through all the baloney he was doling out, but I'm sure most of the listeners were so enthralled by his enthusiasm that they ignored the lies.  And I kept thinking, why is he successful?  Because he's motivated by money and only money, and people believe if they adopt his philosophy they'll be just as successful.  He's not selling a sales system, he's selling HOPE.  HOPE that if you follow HIS system, HIS ideals, and HIS philosophy that you'll end up successful just like him.

The market for self help books in this country is $13 billion.  That is a lot of HOPE being sold in the market place.  And this person who was selling HOPE on the radio was worth about $100 million!  I'm in the wrong business.  Instead of selling medical supplies, I need to start selling HOPE, because it's worth a lot more to people than their health.  I was shocked!  First of all, because he's a snake oil salesman and an idiot, and secondly because people are obviously buying his pitch. So I am going to give you some very simple advice for free, here on this blog so you don't have to go out and buy a system of CD's to listen to in your car while driving to appointments, or spend $25 on a book which you might read half of and then fall asleep from boredom.   Here is some free HOPE for you and anyone else you might know:

1. Anything Is Possible - Despite my being a shameless curmudgeon , I believe that anything is possible and anyone can be a success.  There are success stories out there every damn day!  I see people who are wildly successful and I think to myself, "That guy is a total dork, who can barely read, is a complete nut,  and yet he is successful."  And yes I am referring to Tom Cruise by the way, who is dyslexic, a crazy Scientologist, and yet he is one of the biggest stars in Hollywood!  Despite his crazy antics on "Oprah", he still has legions of fans and people flock to see his movies. Why? He wanted it and that's all he wanted.  He was focused, his sister read him the lines, and he learned to act...and it didn't hurt that he was good looking too.  I've seen men who run businesses that had me fill in the checks for them to sign because they couldn't write, and yet they were successful.  People with disabilities running companies is commonplace nowadays where years ago they would have been locked away.   Keep in mind that like Tom Cruise's career, anything is possible...yes even for you.

2. Make A Decision to ACT For God's Sake! - If you're young or old, there's always confusion about what you want out of life.  Some of us already have kids, we are married, and we feel trapped.   We can't just drop everything and go do what we want.  It's called duty, or loyalty.  However, we can make our lives better, by doing things for us, while not forgetting about everyone else.  It's a little thing called R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

One thing I cannot tolerate is people who just bitch.  Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, and then do absolutely nothing...except bitch.  It drives me crazy!  They talk about how their job sucks, or how this or that is keeping them from doing anything, but they won't make a decision to ACT!  If you are suffering, the worse thing for you to do is sit there and wallow in self pity.  That accomplishes nothing, and you never feel better, only worse.  If you're going to change your life for the better you have to decide to ACT.  If you don't make a decision, nothing will change and you'll remain miserable.  Hoping for a better life is not enough, you need to get off your ass and stop eating potato chips on the couch, while watching Lifetime, AMC, HBO or Spike TV.   Wishing your life were better is not the same as making your life better.

3. Gain Support From Family And Friends - The worse thing that can happen is you make a decision to act, and you have no support from anyone.  If you have no friends, then I hope you don't own a handgun because you're a perfect profile for a serial killer, and please don't act on any insane impulses you might have because they won't make your life any better, just worse.

Yet despite having no friends, you may have family and they are just as important in your decision.  So maybe you don't get along with them, but you should still consult them for feedback on your decision.  The best thing I ever did was ask my parents if they thought it was a good idea for me to pursue a career in professional soccer.  My mom said, "Why don't you try a summer in club or senior level soccer and see how you do?"  I did this, and I got a rude awakening...I wasn't professional material.  Despite my size, and speed, I just hadn't developed the fundamentals at an early age to be a great player, and I was getting embarrassed daily.  I worked at it for a while but realized I just wasn't good enough.  I was glad my parents didn't keep goading me to follow my dream because it wasn't going to happen, and in the end I was going to be crushed.

If you have family or friends, solicit their advice on your decision, just to be sure you're making the right one.  And be mindful of blind devotion.  Many parents today will just encourage their kids to pursue their dreams despite the fallacy of them being fulfilled.  You can't be a football star if you're slow, short, and not athletic. You can however play on the practice squad in college and get the shit kicked out of you daily; remember "Rudy".

4. Be Honest With Yourself - The worst thing you can do when making a change in your life is to delude yourself.  If you haven't ever painted, don't change your career and become an artist...despite the fact that there is a lot of crap being made in the art community.  It's seems that it's more about marketing nowadays then talent. 

If you have a decent singing voice but not great, then don't try out for "America's Got Talent" because then you'll be made a laughing stock on national television.  Focus on what you're good at and make a decision to be great at it.  If you're a good salesperson, then focus on becoming a great salesperson, or even a great sales manager.  If you're great at numbers, become a mathematician or an accountant.  Keep in mind, that these are perfectly respectable careers.  Not everyone can be a rock star, television star, or movie star. 

It's funny because people always get mad at me because I am never impressed by celebrities.  Well living in California you run into celebrities all the time, and years ago a friend and I were in the VIP section at Coachella Music Festival when Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz walked right past us.  She gushed and she was freaking out while I just said, "That was really cool".

She was extremely excited and shouted "We almost ran into them! Why aren't you excited?! You're always to cool for school. It's annoying."

I responded, "A celebrity is just another person who is doing their job just like the rest of us, who happens to be famous.  They are no better or worse than anyone else and they're going to die like everyone else.  There is no VIP section you're assigned to after you die.  I admire them and respect them but I don't worship them...sorry"

If your dream is to be famous and you've got talent then go for it, but I would respect you just as much if you were a dish washer, a musician, an actor, or a plumber.  Be honest with yourself and make your success a goal which is attainable.

5. Motivation Doesn't Come From A Book - I may be repeating myself, but I have always told my sales students that motivation comes from within.  You can't get motivation from a book, and you can't buy it.  It has to come from YOU! 

Years ago I had a sales rep who was lagging well below his numbers and he said to me, "I need you to motivate me.  Get me going.  I'm flat lately and I need you to motivate me. Why don't you try yelling at me or something?"

I laughed pretty hard and then I responded, "I can only affect your level of motivation.  I hired you because you were motivated, but something's happened to change this, and that's up to you to figure out. But I'll try and help you."  And we worked together to find a new level of motivation...he became a sales trainer.  It was a new goal and he was motivated to be the best trainer we had at the company. It wasn't that he needed me to motivate him, he needed himself to motivate him.  Only you can prevent or invent your own success.

You can buy all the HOPE in the world and read as many books on self help to improve your sales, but if you don't apply what you've read or what you've learned than it means nothing.  You have to stop reading and start doing, and only then can you truly have HOPE.

Have a great day selling!

-M


 

Form Letters Are So Annoying

I received a letter from a relative today and it was address to me, but it really wasn't for me specifically.  It was a form letter, or more definitively a "Me Letter".  As you can probably ascertain, I do not like receiving these types of letters.  I get a few of these form letters every year from people,  but they seem terribly insincere.  It makes me feel like they're a business and I'm a customer, and they want to update me on their new and improved products.   Which in a way is true, because usually the letter references their children, or grand children, or rather by products of their union, and how wonderful they all are in relation to my children. 

Usually I receive these letters around Christmas time, or during a holiday season, but for some reason this year I was blessed with a "Summer Time Update", which is the name of the aforementioned letter.  In the body of the letter were references to a wonderful vacation in Europe, a new car, pictures of a house renovation, and news that all 3 of their wonderful children were now in college and so the lovely couple really had time to enjoy themselves.  The children were of course all placed at prestigious universities and doing quite well, each one making the Dean's List.  The letter went on and on about how beautiful life is and how great a time my relatives were having, all this despite them knowing I was sitting at home reading this load of crap.  I wanted to be happy for them, but instead I was incensed that they would have the audacity to proclaim how incredible their lives were going, while mine languished amid dog parks and diapers.  What makes them think I would give a damn what they're doing?  I have enough problems of my own.  So in response I decided to write a form letter of my own, which I plan to send to all of my "uppity" relatives, who like to brag about their wonderful lives. The contents of this form letter I have listed below for your review:

"Dear relative Ass,

    Since we don't speak all that regularly and you only seem to reach out to me when you want to brag about something or another, I thought it appropriate to call you an ass,  because only an ass would applaud his/her own accomplishments.

     I understand that you felt inclined to share how wonderful your life is going, so I in turn have decided to share a letter of a similar nature on the subject of my family's progress in the past few months. I hope you enjoy reading this letter as much as I loathed reading yours.

     First of all, Debbie and I were not able to take our usual vacation this year to the Swiss Alps because the Matterhorn ride has been closed this year for repairs.  Once it is fixed, be assured that we will ascend it's peak and take pictures of us atop the tallest mountain in Anaheim CA.  I only hope that Deb doesn't push me off...hahahaha! No seriously, she did this 4 years ago after a fight which started in the parking lot ,and continued as we ascended to the top. 

    It's odd that you mentioned the improvements you have made to your home.  We too, have made some changes around the old homestead, adding some much needed ventilation to the sides and nearly finishing the roof.  We hope that the roof will be completed before winter so the kids won't need to sleep in tents again this holiday season.  I have included a picture:

   I am so happy that Thad, Tyler, and Ashley have all been working diligently at their college studies and I am equally happy to report that our own Earl is now in a MENSA program at his school. He has made incredible progress with this new program and should be graduating soon from the 8th grade despite his age. (16) The Menially Efficient Non Scholarly Attendees program is rather prolific at placing students from his school, and hopefully with good planning and studies, he will someday find a job in the hospitality industry like his mom.

I'm sorry but that is all that I have for now, but I hope you send me another letter soon and include some money in the envelope please.  The MENSA program isn't cheap.  LOL

Your fellow Ass "

-M
   

"Company Loyalty" Is An Oxymoron

     

A few weeks ago, I played golf with one of my friends who I trained to be a manager, and who was now running his own business.  I taught him a lot about business, and how to manage people, and he in turn applied it to starting his own business with some partners.  I can say right now that he is doing really well, and I should be really happy for him, but I'm not.  I'm pissed at myself that I was too stupid to branch out on my own and instead I tried the corporate way up the ladder of success...bad idea.

His question to me was, "Why the hell did you stay so long?  That company wasn't loyal to you.  They didn't give a shit about any of us."
I reminded him, "I left before you did...remember?"
"Yeah but you went right into another company and tried it again.  Companies have no loyalty to any of their employees.  Hell look at George Zimmer! He started Men's Wearhouse and they gave him the boot.  It's not the same as when our parents were working.  There is no such thing as company loyalty anymore."

    He was absolutely right.  Company loyalty is an oxymoron. If the company you work for perceives that you are a liability, then you're going to be fired, let go, laid off, etc.  Seniority means little, and service to the company means even less. Years ago, the dream was to work for a large Fortune 500 company for 30 years, and then retire with a nice big pension and a house that was paid for already, with your hard work.

     In today's economic climate, recent college graduates have it rough, and if you have a high school diploma it's even harder to fulfill your dreams.  First of all, prospective employees can't find a job with a Fortune 500 company because there are too many "baby boomers" already taking up those positions.  Secondly, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, the average tenure for an employee in the US is 4.6 years. That is woefully short of the 20-30 years our parents used to put in with their companies.  And lastly, the average young American can't even afford to buy a house in 2015.  Many people still live with their parents just to make ends meet.  So where is our "American Dream"?   Sorry folks but that dream is gone.

I suppose now you're thinking, "Thanks for the great news Doctor Dismal, but what are we supposed to do now?"

For those of you already in the work force and for those of you who are recent college graduates, here is some sound career advice.  Our American Dream has changed but it's not dead...yet.

1. Be Resume Ready - Since there is no such thing as company loyalty anymore it is always best to have your resume updated and ready to go, in the event you are fired, laid off, or for some odd reason you are no longer employed.  Perhaps you ate the boss's birthday cake or slept with his daughter, wife, or worse his pet. In addition, be sure to check and make sure all of your personal and business references are up to date and in good standing.  Hopefully, you haven't pissed off an old friend you listed as a reference, and when a prospective employer calls he/she says, "He/she slept with everyone in the office".
2. Stay In School - Yes this sounds stupid because so many successful business people have no degrees and they just worked hard to realize their dreams.  WRONG!  Those people who were successful despite not earning a degree were lucky, or found the right market, or were born in the 1900's.  Don't be an idiot, get a degree even if you're already successful it's a great accomplishment, and it doesn't mean you're smart.  It just means you got through school.  But when Human Resource people look at a resume they always prefer a degree, and by prefer they mean, "We can't discriminate but you'd better have a degree you loser or we're not talking to you."
3. Be Super Special - A long time ago in the medical field there were just MD's, and that was it.  There were no specialties and doctors were just doctors.  However in today's health care industry there are now so many different doctor specialists, I can't list them all here.  The business world is no different.  If you have a specific and "special" skill set you will be employed for LIFE, and you can pick and choose your hours.  I have friends who are smart but didn't want to go through the entire process of being a doctor so they became nurse anesthetists.  It was a specialty but not necessarily doctor status where you're on call all the time.  These people set their own hours, work like 3 days a week, and make a great living.  A word to the wise...specialize.
4. Expanding Markets - I have always had the luxury of working in industries that would expand with the population.  Our market demand was dependent upon the population, and so as the population expanded so did our market.  If you are working in a declining industry like newspapers, get the hell out now!  You may need to retool yourself but in order to survive you have to change and adapt.  If you're a postal carrier go to work for FedEx or UPS.  If you're too damn lazy to leave a dying industry, then I have no sympathy for you...adapt and survive.
5. Brag Books Are BS - If you have a job interview don't listen to other recruiters and bring in your Brag Book. When I was a manager, if a person brought in a Brag Book, I thought two things immediately, and neither one of them was good. 
• Living In The Past? - If a person has a big book of all there PAST accomplishments that's great but I'm interested in someone who wants to write their own book in the future.  I had one guy I interviewed with a book that was bronzed.  Well not the whole book but he had all his accomplishments in this beautiful wood embossed book, and there was a bronzed placard on the cover.  He handed it to me and all I said was, "Nice book, but I'm not interested in your past, I'm interested in your future."  WTF did he have monks hand paint all the certificates and write the letters inside too? 
• Is It Real?- These types of books are easy to forge because who is going to have the balls to check the numbers and how are they going to verify them?  I have never called another company and had them offer up an employee's Performance Review because it's not legal.  So a prospective employee could put anything he or she wants into a brag book.  How the heck would I know if it's true or not unless I had access to that information. A few years back I had a manager hire a guy after seeing his book, and I said, "Don't trust the brag book."  He did and ending up firing the guy 6 months later for non performance.  It turned out the guy had forged all the awards at Staples and none of them were legit. The idiot had bragged about it to another employee.  I guess now he's all "bragged out".

    If you follow just these five simple steps, you'll at least be ready for the changes in the economy, and you won't have to rely on company loyalty anymore...because after all, it doesn't really exist.  Today's workers have to fend for themselves and we can't rely on the company to take care of us.

Have a great day selling!

-M