The One Thing Your Boss Doesn't Want To Hear...

Copyright: mtkang / 123RF Stock Photo

You've got a lousy boss? So what!  Join the club.  There are millions of people in this world and many of them work for a terrible boss.  At one point in your career you will work for an a__hole.  You may even be the a__hole, but you don't know it...yet.  Even though your boss may be a jerk, there is probably two words he or she never wants to hear from you, "I QUIT".

Managers, especially incompetent managers, rely on good employees to get things done.  In fact, they depend on their employees so much that their career would be over if everyone left to pursue a different career path.  The cost of hiring, training, and then having to "reprogram" a new employee is painful to them.  But you can't let them control your life! 

If you're a tortured employee, and I do mean tortured.  Awful managers do not realize the psychological effects of their mismanagement on employees.  I had one fellow employee tell me she would rather kill herself then go back to work, after her boss embarrassed her in the middle of a staff meeting.  It may sound extreme, but these things can and do happen DAILY.

So what do you do if you're tortured?  Simple.  You polish up your resume. You make up excuses to leave work, like doctors appointments, family issues, and you go to interviews.  Lots of interviews and you learn that the grass can be greener, especially when your boss isn't crapping on it.  And once you've found a suitable new job, with a great new boss, you can come in and tell your current boss the two words they don't want to hear. "I QUIT!".  But if you don't feel comfortable saying those words, or you're worried about burning bridges, you can say the same thing in a few different ways:

• Say "I Quit" In A Different Language - Chances are your manager is already an idiot so he or she won't understand what you're saying anyway.  Subsequently you should say it in a different language. Or maybe even say it in French/German/Mandarin, and use sign language as well. It might be embarrassing for them, but it will be totally amusing to you!
• Say, "I'm Participating In A Study on Workplace Harassment" - What I wouldn't give to see the look on your boss's face, when you say you're leaving for a paid position and that you are going to be studied for 6-12 months for psychological trauma.  When he/she asks, "You're not going to sue us are you."  Just respond, "What's the frequency Kenneth?"
• Say, "I Have Been Recruited By the Government" - Then say nothing until her or she speaks, because you know they are going to have lots of questions.  And your response for each question would be..."Sorry that's classified information.  And if you share this with anyone I can't be sure what will happen to you."
• Say, "I'm Going To Be A Winemaker" - Since this seems to be the thing everyone does when they decide to leave the corporate world.  It will seem a natural transition, especially if you live in California.  Then tell him that you were so impressed working with him that you're going to name your first one after him... "Muet Merlot". They'll never figure it out.
• Say, "I Created A Sitcom Based On My Experiences Here" - This again works if you live in California, but they film sitcoms almost anywhere nowadays.  Thank her for giving you the inspiration to document everything, and that her management style was what gave you the impetus to create.  Then say nothing the rest of the interview except, "Sinbad will be starring in it and Rosie O'Donnell. I like Sinbad."  For every follow up question your response should be with the question, "Do you like Sinbad?"

For all you tortured souls out there, you see there is some hope. 

Have a great day!

  

When Good Employees Turn Into Zombies

Copyright: nito500 / 123RF Stock Photo

In his book, "Delivering Happiness, A Path To Profits, Passion and Purpose", Tony Hsieh, current CEO of Zappos, describes a typical work day at his first programming job at Oracle.

"All I had to do was run a couple of tests every day. It took about five minutes to set up a test, and then about three hours for the automated test to run, during which time I would just be sitting around and waiting for the test to finish. So I could only run two or three tests a day at the most.  I also realized that nobody was tracking what time I came in or left the office.  In fact, I don't think anyone really even knew who I was."

Not exactly the type of career he had envisioned straight out of Harvard, and unfortunately for many people in today's workplace, they are having exactly the same experience.  Why do you think there are so many start ups? People are tired of being turned into corporate zombies.

In a society, where individualism and creativity are encouraged when we're young, they are discouraged as we are assimilated into the work force.  That's right assimilated.  Employees young and old, are discouraged from "making waves", and so in order to keep their jobs secure and their careers on an upward path, they turn into corporate zombies, and most of them don't even know it.

Here are 4 tips to discourage your employees from "turning" into zombies...or worse leaving:

Create A Positive Environment - I hear this phrase used a lot.  And I mean A LOT!

"Oh I try to create a positive environment for my employees to work in.", said the manager who meanwhile was revising the office compensation plan to meet his budget, and at the expense of his employees' pay. 

A positive work environment does not mean offering perks like rides, and free food, and free haircuts.  All of those things are great and you can have all that stuff, but if your employees feel they can't approach you with a concern or problem then you haven't created a positive work environment.  Free pizza and freedom of speech are not the same thing.

Affect Their Lives...In A Good Way- I think the best management advice I ever received came from my dad, who was never a manager. 

He said, "Do you give a damn about what happens to your employees?  Cause if you don't, they won't give a damn about you either."

It's important that you have a positive affect on your employees lives and their careers, otherwise they won't work with you.  If you're selfish and only interested in your career they will quickly turn on you and start acting out either against you or the team.  It's important for managers to take an active interest in the development and the lives of their employees in order to ensure their own success.  That doesn't mean you become a therapist, but it does mean you become a mentor.
  
Rewards and Recognition- When I mention rewards and recognition this doesn't apply to birthday cake celebrations or anniversary recognition, those things are all great.  I'm talking about expressing authentic gratitude for your employee's efforts.

For 9 years I worked for a company and I received stock options, and raises, and promotions, and I never once heard the VP say "thank you".  Not once.  I was told he was "old school", and I guess by that, they meant he was not inclined to say anything nice to his employees. Well old school is out and the New School is in, and in order for employees to stay active and motivated, management needs to say "thank you" every once in a while.

In addition, I remember the same VP once saying to a counterpart, "I thank you by letting you keep your job."  Shortly afterwards my counterpart disengaged from all meetings, didn't speak to the VP ,except to say "hello sir and goodbye sir", and left the company taking all his great ideas to a competitor. 

I would say he definitely "turned", and before he left, he infected everyone else.

Engagement: I don't mean you need to marry your employees, that would be silly, but you do need to keep them engaged.  Too often, once a person is trained, managers just let them handle their assigned job duties and never encourage creativity or thinking "outside the fence".  In fact, some jobs discourage feedback or creativity.

I once witnessed a female employee offer a great idea for a solution to a service problem, only to have the general manager scold her for speaking out of turn during a staff meeting. She went from a bright and bubbly new employee to a wandering office zombie pretty quickly.


If you follow just a few simple steps you can keep your employees happy, involved, and part of the human race.  You just need to show them that you CARE. 

If you don't CARE then the zombie hordes will overtake your team, and possibly your career as well.

Good luck!




 

Elevator Pitch My Ass!

Since I was a junior sales associate I have heard the term "Elevator Pitch" used to describe how to get your point across in 30 seconds to a few minutes.  I researched the history of the term and it was originally credited to the editors of Vanity Fair back in the 1990's, and when I refer to the word research that I means I looked it up on Wikipedia. But who cares where it came from anyway!  It's a dated phrase and needs to be changed. How many sales people do you know who have made a pitch in an elevator?  Do you want to know how many I know in my 15 years in sales?  ZERO! 

Who the hell has time to make a pitch in an elevator?  You have time to gain interest in an elevator, you have time to garner attention in an elevator, and some people even have time to have intimate relations in an elevator, but pitching someone in an elevator really doesn't happen.  If you live in a major city, the chances of you sharing a ride in an elevator with a potential prospect are extremely rare unless you're stalking that prospective customer and then that's just plain disturbing.  STALKING is not being persistent, it's being weird and creepy and obsessive.  It works for some people...like serial killers. Yet, in today's business climate it's best to keep things professional and not pathological.

However, there are moments when you may run into a potential client or customer and you need to think quickly about what you would say and exactly how you would present yourself.  It might sound slightly weird but you have to deliver in those precious moments if you want to make a sale.
We've all had awkward moments when trying to make a sale, meeting new contacts, or just during our daily routine.  A few years ago, I had one of those awkward moments with a potential customer who I had been trying to set up a second meeting with for a very long time.

I'd just got a new puppy from the Humane Society, and was walking the dog early in the morning when I passed this business where I had been trying to meet with the owner for weeks. Appropriately, my puppy decided to relieve herself on the ice plant in front of the building and I was not prepared for her to poop that morning. Normally she just runs or walks and then waits until we get home to relieve herself. I panicked and searched for something to pick up the poop and found an empty bag of Cheetos on the ground. I was able to scoop a different kind of "Cheeto" into the bag. We started walking along again, and who happens to show up right around the corner? The owner of the company! Oh lucky me to meet him with a bag full of crap in my hand! Obviously he was an early riser and on his way to work. The puppy was wagging her tail and being friendly and he looked at me and then the dog and said,

"What an adorable puppy. How old is it?", he asked and then he bent down to pet the dog.

At this point I was in shock, and I couldn't think because I'd been trying to meet with this guy for almost two months and now I'm standing in front of him, holding a bag of Cheetos with a nasty surprise inside. So inadvertently I just blurted out, "Uh four months I think? She's a pound puppy."

"Really? She's cute for a pound puppy.", he said, and began stroking the dog's head. The puppy was wagging her tail frantically and really excited to be making a new friend.

At first I'm thinking, "WTF! He thinks puppies from the pound aren't cute? How rude!" And so I thought to myself, "I hope she gets real excited and pees on his expensive shoes". But then I came back to reality and realized I had an opportunity to get an appointment, or better yet a sale,  if I played this right, and I didn't drop the Cheetos bag on his shoes.

"Yeah, I guess I got lucky. I was the first in line on the waiting list.", I responded.

"Well she's really very cute. Hi puppy, hi puppy.", he said as he kept petting the dog, who was wagging her tail so hard her whole butt moved back and forth with each tail wag.

As he stroked the dog's fur, I said, "She's really playful so be careful she doesn't scratch you."

" I'll be fine don't worry about me.  She's so cute I just might steal her from you.", he said and then laughed.

In my head, I said, "I will smush this bag of Cheetos in your face if you try that buddy.", but what came out was, "Oh no you don't, now that I've finally got her trained.".  We both laughed, and I held the bag awkwardly at bay.

He kept calmly stroking the dog and so I figured I would take a shot at gaining some more interest in my services:

"Mr. Gonzalez, I don't know if you remember me, but I spoke to you a couple of months ago about a service my company offers that can help improve your sales team's efficiency dramatically. In some cases, 40%. Do you remember meeting with me?"

" I do, but I'm sorry I haven't had time to get back to you. Been really busy.", he said and kept petting the dog who started to lick his face.

My first thought was to offer him a Cheeto because "I've been busy too you ass!", but I held the bag and my mouth closed. I just looked at him and smiled, then bent down and began to pet my dog along with him.

"Good girl." I said. " Look, I know you're busy sir and you don't wanna talk shop this early, so I won't waste your time. But I really think we can help your company, so give it some thought and let me know if you'd like to meet again."

"I'll do that. You know what, here's my direct line.  Call me, I'd like to talk" he said, then he stood up and handed me his card.  "Call my cell, that's the easiest way to get a hold of me." 

"Wow! Thanks", I responded, sounding a little too enthusiastic.

"Okay, I gotta go. Bye pup.", he said and stooped to give the dog a pat on the head. "That's a cute dog. You run her around here everyday?"

"Yeah lately I have. She likes to run.", I answered.

He looked at the bag of Cheetos in my other hand and look perplexed, " You always eat Cheetos for breakfast?"

I was about to tell him it was a bag full of poop, but decided maybe that wasn't the best answer.

"Not always. Just today!", I said and smiled. "Take care."

"You too.", he said, "Don't forget to call me okay, and remind me you're the guy with the dog. I forget a lot in my old age".  And then he smiled.

"Okay...sure. Thanks again. See you later.", I said and ran off with my dog.

It may not have been the best "Elevator Pitch", but that was the best bag of Cheetos I've ever had. I'm only glad he didn't ask for one. 

Maybe we should start calling it the "Cheetos Pitch" and not the "Elevator Pitch". 

Have a great day!