New Employee Orientation and Training

   A few years ago, I started a new position and like many reps, I was excited to begin a new path in my career.  However, like all new reps, I was also thrown into a large group, during employee orientation and training, which had the same familiar people as my old company.  It appears that employee training or orientation seems to have a lot of the same characters no matter what company you're working for.  They are as follows:

The "Chatty Cathy" or "Peppy Peter"-  These people are generally nice so it really is mean to make fun of them, but I'm not a nice person so this is why they made the list.  They're just annoying.  They always have something to say NO MATTER WHAT EVERYONE ELSE IS SAYING.  In fact, it seems as if they must barge in on every conversation that is within 6 feet of them.  They appear to have something in common with everyone, and despite their good nature they can be a nuisance by the end of the week.  Here are some strategies and phrases to keep them from popping up in the middle of your conversations:

Cathy: "You have kids.  Really? That's great!  I have kids too.  What a coinkie dink?"
You: " My kids are dead.  Are your kids dead too? How's that for a coinkie dink?"

Peter: "You're leasing a Mercedes!  That's amazing I'm leasing a Mercedes too.  I have an "S" Series."
You: "I'm actually not leasing it.  In my case the "S" stands for STOLEN.   But don't tell anyone."

   In addition to being frighteningly upbeat and trying to hone in on your conversations, these people always offer advice to all the other new employees. 
"You should do it this way, not that way!", or "I've done that before but here's what you should really do if you want to be successful"
They act as if they've been with the company 15 years!  When the fact is they're just as green as anyone else in the room, but they're afraid to admit it.  My advise to this person is "Shut The Hell Up!"

Shawn the Serial Killer - This person always fits the description of a serial killer.  He is over 40 years old, single, white, male, and he just looks creepy.  He socializes with the other employees, but he cocks his head to one side and looks at them like a dog would when it's trying to understand what a person is saying.  He talks a lot about online gaming, World of Warcraft, Call of Duty , and his strange hobbies...like taxidermy.

Chances are his personal hygiene is not that great, and his breath smells like he just ate something that came from the bowels of a cow or a horse.  And what 's odd is no matter how many times you offer him a breath mint or some gum, he refuses for some odd reason.  He is the guy everyone tries to avoid at dinner, lunch, or during social hour, and despite his being a nice person, you always wonder if he's picturing your head inside of his fridge.  It's best to be friendly to him just to ensure you make it through orientation alive.

Hot Hannah/Harry - I don't understand why these people even attend the meetings because they always speak like they are so together and far more advanced then the rest of us human beings.  They say things, "I don't know why I'm here, because I've already had this training.  You guys might need it though."

They are engaged to be married to a doctor, lawyer, or some famous person, and they make sure that everyone knows about it.  Hannah is invariably talking about how much her wedding dress will cost, and how great her wedding is going to be in the summer, while Harry brags about his upcoming bachelor party and the hot chicks he used to date before he decided to "settle down".  And he always reminds you it is "chicks" plural because he's such a stud he couldn't settle for just one woman until now.  On the other side, she makes sure to remind you that her dress is from a famous designer and the caterer is the same one who handled the Royal Wedding.

You know they are going to do well in the field because they are actually good, but secretly you're hoping they fall flat on their face so you can rub it in.

Scott The Systems Guy- There is always a nerdy IT guy helping everyone with their computers, and looking sinister with his odd pull over sweater and hunched over walk.  He leers at the girls as he helps set up presentations, and he seems nice enough, but you wonder why he has those odd stains on his pants and that slight bit of drool on the side of his mouth.  Obviously he's not required to follow the company dress code, because he's wearing a t-shirt and jeans everyday.  However, he's so invaluable that they let him do what he wants without repercussions.  Who else is going to set up the webinars and Power Point presentations, while acting suspiciously and sweating profusely?  He quickly makes friends with Shawn The Serial Killer.

What Were They Thinking? Wally/Wendy-  I am consistently amazed at how some people ever get hired. I once took over for a manager years ago, and when I met his receptionist my first thought was "What the hell was this guy thinking when he hired her?"  She was grumpy, cursed a lot, and wasn't friendly at all.  She would give me the middle finger behind my back and she smelled bad all day long.  A nightmare for a "Director of First Impressions". 

So when you head to new employee orientation there is always one new hire who fits this description.  And sales is no exception because managers seem to make the same mistake.  There is always one person there who doesn't seem like they should be.  The person shows up wearing an outfit from the 1960's and the fashionable hair style to boot.  The manager always justifies the hire by saying, "Well he/she knows a lot of people in the business."  Knowing people in the business and actually selling the business are two completely different things.  Just because person has been around a long time, doesn't necessarily mean they're doing a good job. Sometimes it simply means they've been able to avoid getting fired, by moving from company to company before their manager figures out what a royal screw up they are.   These people shouldn't even be in the orientation let alone participating.  It's bad for everyone else's morale to be in the same room with this person because you're thinking, "Jesus Christ.  This person makes the same amount of money as I do, and they have enough dandruff  for me to snowboard through the conference room."

Regardless of the circumstances, isn't it good to have a job in light of the last recession? And despite some of your current co-workers riding a fine line between normal and psychotic? Be thankful you're employed and have a good day selling!

Post Holiday Blues

You know that Elvis song "Blue Christmas", I might write a song entitled, "Blue after Christmas", because that's the way everyone is feeling today as we head back to work following the holidays.   Yes the holidays can suck, especially if you celebrate them alone.  Now if you celebrate them alone but are surrounded by toy action figures who are your "friends", you may want to seek help.  Or at least get some real friends. And if you had a family holiday from hell, or you got in a fight on New Years Eve, then you might actually be looking forward to work this week.

Yet for most of us, it's that lousy day where we come in all fat and happy and realize that we need to go to the gym to lose all that from the egg nog, fudge, cookies, candy, turkey, stuffing, matzo balls, lutefisk, or whatever else you ate during the holidays. I can't believe people actually eat lutefisk?  It's disgusting. I heard over the holidays,a few restaurants in Minnesota can make it taste like lobster.  To me it taste like lobster for sure, lobster that's been sitting out for 5 days in a chemical solution that would kill a cockroach, and then soaked in radioactive water.  Doesn't that sound delicious?

In order to overcome the depression of heading back to work I have five quick recommendations for you to recover from your holiday hang over:

1.  Act Like It's Still The Holiday Season - Hey, no one said the holidays have to end after New Years.  I say we prolong it right through til Spring.  Why should we let "The Man" tell us when to end our celebration?  In the Year of The Protester I say we protest an end to the holiday season and extend it til at least Easter.  So keep wearing ugly sweaters, send out cards, and keep your tree up until April 1st.  Well, keep the tree watered otherwise you might have a potential fire hazard in the living room.  Don't take down your lights, hell some of you leave them up all year round anyway.  But turn them on, and play lame holiday music loud and annoy your neighbors.  It's the spirit of the holidays that never dies, and why should it die on January 2nd. 

     2. Wear Festive Underwear - If you are afraid that someone will look oddly at you for still        wearing reindeer antlers or funny looking sweaters, then don some holiday undergarments. Here's a    few samples for both men and women from abcunderwear.com and maidenform.com. Nothing will make you feel more festive than these lovely undergarments, and wearing them will keep you smiling through til spring.  Their nothing like a holiday party in your pants!

The pair above is a little too sexy for my personal taste, and I don't think I would look that good in a thong, but to each his/her own.  I prefer the Santa Boxers at the top of the post, much classier.  When you wear something that makes you feel festive, then they day progresses that much faster.  The underwear doesn't pertain to just Christmas alone. There are also Hanukkah briefs.   These are brought to you courtesy of Cafe Press and the printing at the bottom reads, "Light My Menorah".  Jewish or Gentile, these are awesome; and if you wear these how could you not be in a good mood! 

 

      3. Drink Egg Nog Daily - There is no drink that screams "It's The Holiday Season!", like egg nog.  A completely gross and fattening concoction of milk, cream, sugar, and eggs.  But oh what a tasty delight it is!  Now I recommend drinking light egg nog since whole egg nog would make you as big as Santa Clause.  And I recommend you run out and buy a bunch of it NOW!  Because it will soon be off the shelves of stores since it's primarily a holiday drink.  So go buy about 10 gallons so you can make it through the winter. 

I also recommend that after drinking all this egg nog you have your cholesterol checked once per week, exercise daily, and have your arteries cleansed before they become clogged.  It's fattening yes, but boy it taste sooooo good...

     4. Re-gift Those Crappy Holiday Gifts - If you received a "White Elephant" for the holidays, make sure you share that rare holiday treat with someone you know.  Nothing makes you feel better than confusing people with a gift they won't want, and it's not even the holidays.  Call it an "Un-Birthday Present".  And make them feel the love, or hate, or whatever.  You must have customers out there that you don't like or whom you are not terribly fond of.  Why not give them a little gift during the winter to lighten their spirits, like Divinity candy?  No one enjoys that hard, white candy, that is almost impossible to eat in less than an hour. They'll be sucking on that stuff for hours just to get it soft enough to chew. Why don't you re-gift all your friends with holiday pound cake? They can either eat it, or use it as a door stop.

Personally, I have a lot of chocolate which I know is not good for me and I shouldn't eat.  But why should I keep it all to myself?  I'll pass it on to friends or clients, who I know are resolved to losing weight, just to challenge them to overcome their obsession with sweets.  Am I an enabler?  Maybe?  But at least I don't have to look at all that sponge candy anymore. And he if they start eating the sweets I'd say it's a win-win for us.

     5. Wear Snuggies or Sweatpants Everywhere - Unfortunately some of you may be doing this already, which is really sad.  But during the holidays, most people wear nothing but sweatpants or snuggies during the entire 2 weeks.  So why stop now that the holidays are over? So you haven't showered in ten days, who cares?  I'm sure you can easily go another ten days without water desecrating your body.   If you're required to be in the office, wear a Snuggie for Casual Fridays.  If you have to go visit customers, or prospects, make light of what you're wearing and say, "Sorry I just rolled out of bed", which you literally did.  They'll think it's funny! 

Wear your sweatpants to the mall, or out to the movies.  Why shouldn't the entire year be a holiday for you.  I have noticed that some of you already do this consistently, so you might wanna curb it a little during the summer.  Those Snuggies can get extremely toasty in May and June.  But remember this nothing screams it's the Holiday Season like the stale smell of your own body. It brings out the flavor of the cookies...

I hope you take my advice, or at least some of it, to get over your holiday blues if you have any.

Happy Year Round Holidays!

-M