I love the holidays. That's right. I said it. Love'em! Why? When can you insult your mom, dad, sisters, brothers, uncles, aunts, and cousins over a glass of egg nog...mixed with rum and not get slapped on the side of the head. It's usually in good fun, and it's great because during the holidays, all is forgiven. You can be the worst relation on the planet and for some reason people will forgive you and even give you presents for being naughty! How wonderful is that?
Although the holidays are ripe with good cheer, there are some people you might want to avoid during this season, and some food and drink you should think twice about consuming in excess, or in some cases at all. Here's a few things to avoid during the holidays so you can be more jolly.
Weird Uncles - Every family has some person they would never bring with them on that show "Family Feud", because he's either living in a basement, or they keep him hidden in a closet. I had one uncle, who lived with my grandmother, and he would eat raw onions during the holidays. While everyone else was munching on Christmas cookies, chocolates, and cream puffs, he was eating onions. My sisters always remind me of him peeling them at the kitchen table. A routine he cherished. Naturally he would salivate profusely, and he would peel each onion slowly and deliberately, as if they were a delicacy few could afford. Imagine chatting with this little fellow during the holidays, and his onion breath masking all the wonderful scents of the season. For him it was a White Onion Christmas, and we all had to suffer through it. I find it amusing that many of my relatives wonder why he never remarried. Why he never remarried? Who the hell married "Onion Boy"in the first place?
If you have a Weird Uncle, avoid him like the plague because chances are...he might have it, and it might be an unwanted Xmas present he gives to you.
Strange Aunts - In addition to weird uncles, strange aunts always filled my holidays with cheer...I mean fear. The problem and payoff with these peculiar relations, is you never knew what was going to happen next. It was exciting to watch my aunt drink her glass of "water", which was essentially a tall glass of vodka. After a few glasses of water, the fireworks would start and she'd be laughing hysterically or yelling at my uncle that they had to leave, because she wasn't feeling well. Hmmm, I wonder why? Maybe a little less water and a little more food, and she wouldn't have been hallucinating and seeing elves dancing around the tree. Receiving a good night kiss from this aunt was the equivalent of having your eyebrows singed. One breath from her near a match, and the entire house would erupt in flames. Good thing my dad was a volunteer fireman. How's that for a Merry Christmas!
The Black Sheep - Every family, assuming you're a part of a family, has one person they dread seeing around the holidays. Or rather the person they invite to every holiday gathering and then pray they don't show up. This person usually ruins Christmas by doing something completely horrible, like stealing presents from kids, borrowing the car and then leaving it in a roadside ditch, stealing money, asking for money, or fighting with everyone and ruining the spirit of the holiday. Black Sheep are usually very unhappy people, verbally abusive too their kids, their husbands/wives, poor dressers, and lack manners. Food regularly flies from their mouths because they speak while they're eating and they shout at their kids all through the day.
"Jimmy put that gun down, you're not 10 yet."
"Holly stop kissing your cousin Todd on the lips."
"Donna, a halter top is not appropriate at the dinner table."
Believe it or not, my family gets along fairly well, and when our Black Sheep shows up we are polite, and cordial, so we don't arouse any suspicions or anger, and when that person(s)leaves, there is never a big sigh of relief, but rather a mutually joyous chorus of "Hurray!" I can remember one year my nephew shouted as the door closed, "Let's get this party started!"
If a Black Sheep comes to the house, herd him/her quietly out the door.
The Mystery Dessert - My grandmother always had to have a certain ambrosia salad for dessert every Christmas, and we loved it. But she also made us eat this divinity candy which she made herself and forced us to eat, that was the equivalent of sucking on a piece of granite. Each piece had the taste of a wet rock, while the shape and texture of the supposed candy was more like a petrified macaroon. If you were dumb enough to bite into a piece before you had sufficiently slobbered it soft, you were sure to lose a tooth...or two. Yes it was that hard, and we took to throwing it at each other because it inflicted a great deal of pain upon the person who was hit, and blood was usually drawn upon contact. The candy was shaped like a macaroon but with an extremely hard and pointed end, which easily pierced the skin. Cries rang out whenever we participated in a "Divine War", and a blood trail inevitably followed. If my parents had not intervened on several occasions I'm sure that someone would have lost an eye.
As my mother wisely said, "Yes children, red is a Christmas color, but your father and I will be the only people who shed blood on this holiest of days."
I assumed at that point we were engaged in some type of Jihad against the neighbors, but I rarely asked questions after the first glass of Rhine wine had been consumed by my mother. Too dangerous.
Egg Nog - I like egg nog a lot, but too much of it, and I feel like I'm filled with egg yokes. Who invented this evil mixture of milk,rum, eggs, sugar, and cream? This drink will never make it on the Skinny Girl cocktail list because it has more fat and calories then six quarts of Haagen Dazs ice cream. Yet mixed with rum and Kahlua, it's sooooo goooood!
Apparently this is an English concoction that was developed in the Middle Ages and the tradition carried over to the American colonies. Why didn't they just leave it in England? It taste great going down, but if you drink too much and it ends up coming back up, it can be a horrific experience. Like vomiting candied milk. If you do end up drinking some, be sure to drink it slowly...very, very, slowly; just the way it pours.
I hope you all have a wonderful holiday. I know I will.
-M
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