I received a letter from a relative today and it was address to me, but it really wasn't for me specifically. It was a form letter, or more definitively a "Me Letter". As you can probably ascertain, I do not like receiving these types of letters. I get a few of these form letters every year from people, but they seem terribly insincere. It makes me feel like they're a business and I'm a customer, and they want to update me on their new and improved products. Which in a way is true, because usually the letter references their children, or grand children, or rather by products of their union, and how wonderful they all are in relation to my children.
Usually I receive these letters around Christmas time, or during a holiday season, but for some reason this year I was blessed with a "Summer Time Update", which is the name of the aforementioned letter. In the body of the letter were references to a wonderful vacation in Europe, a new car, pictures of a house renovation, and news that all 3 of their wonderful children were now in college and so the lovely couple really had time to enjoy themselves. The children were of course all placed at prestigious universities and doing quite well, each one making the Dean's List. The letter went on and on about how beautiful life is and how great a time my relatives were having, all this despite them knowing I was sitting at home reading this load of crap. I wanted to be happy for them, but instead I was incensed that they would have the audacity to proclaim how incredible their lives were going, while mine languished amid dog parks and diapers. What makes them think I would give a damn what they're doing? I have enough problems of my own. So in response I decided to write a form letter of my own, which I plan to send to all of my "uppity" relatives, who like to brag about their wonderful lives. The contents of this form letter I have listed below for your review:
"Dear relative Ass,
Since we don't speak all that regularly and you only seem to reach out to me when you want to brag about something or another, I thought it appropriate to call you an ass, because only an ass would applaud his/her own accomplishments.
I understand that you felt inclined to share how wonderful your life is going, so I in turn have decided to share a letter of a similar nature on the subject of my family's progress in the past few months. I hope you enjoy reading this letter as much as I loathed reading yours.
First of all, Debbie and I were not able to take our usual vacation this year to the Swiss Alps because the Matterhorn ride has been closed this year for repairs. Once it is fixed, be assured that we will ascend it's peak and take pictures of us atop the tallest mountain in Anaheim CA. I only hope that Deb doesn't push me off...hahahaha! No seriously, she did this 4 years ago after a fight which started in the parking lot ,and continued as we ascended to the top.
It's odd that you mentioned the improvements you have made to your home. We too, have made some changes around the old homestead, adding some much needed ventilation to the sides and nearly finishing the roof. We hope that the roof will be completed before winter so the kids won't need to sleep in tents again this holiday season. I have included a picture:
I am so happy that Thad, Tyler, and Ashley have all been working diligently at their college studies and I am equally happy to report that our own Earl is now in a MENSA program at his school. He has made incredible progress with this new program and should be graduating soon from the 8th grade despite his age. (16) The Menially Efficient Non Scholarly Attendees program is rather prolific at placing students from his school, and hopefully with good planning and studies, he will someday find a job in the hospitality industry like his mom.
I'm sorry but that is all that I have for now, but I hope you send me another letter soon and include some money in the envelope please. The MENSA program isn't cheap. LOL
Your fellow Ass "
-M
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