Death By Meeting

I have been working in various businesses for over 30 years.  I've done everything from putting windows in RV's, to working in a warehouse, to delivering uniforms, to selling medical supplies, and I even spent 2 years working in the financial sector.  However in all the years of working, never has anything killed business momentum quicker than an over abundance of meetings.  They are time consuming, often boring, and most of the time unnecessary.  Managers seem to be the only employees who insist on meetings, and seriously I believe it's because they want to have evidence they are doing something, besides sitting on their asses. I was a manager for almost 20 years and I had meetings once per week, but they were extremely brief and extremely focused.  I preferred to allow my employees to do their jobs rather than wasting time attending meetings.

One of the companies I worked for had meetings every morning to start the work day and ending it with a conference call or a meeting.  It was grueling, stupid, and completely senseless.  Supposedly it was to help us stay focused on the task at hand, but all it did was alienate the employees and piss off their families who were waiting for them at home.  If we didn't get the idea that we needed to improve after the first 3 meetings, were weren't going to be successful anyway, so the meetings simply reminded us of what "losers" were really were, or pushed us to leave a company which was absolutely clueless with regards to employee morale.  And this is the dilemma that companies have today.  They now treat people like property or an asset rather than a person.  Many companies really don't give a shit about your health, your family, or your well being. They care about share holders.

I can remember those twice per day meetings vividly.  We would take bets on when the HR manager was going to fall asleep, or when the Customer Service Manager would ask to be excused to use the bathroom.  It was as if everyone in that conference room did not want to be there and had to think of some excuse to get out of the meeting.  Even the General Manager who organized the meetings! He would tell me to lead the meeting instead, and he would go home. I suppose my time, my spouse, and my kids were much less important than his. 

   I remember one time, my friend had his wife call and say there was an emergency at home and so could he be excused. And his plan worked!  He went home and then came back with some story about a busted water heater, the next day.  The whole story was completely fabricated and his wife was in on it! Meetings cause this type of animosity from your family, so beware of going to too many meetings.  Near the end it got so bad that each participant was thinking up a different excuse on a daily basis.  Here are a few excuses people used at the time to get out of attending each meeting:

1. Doctor's Appointment: This is a simple one and often used, but too often people make stuff up and then don't remember the details of their lies.  It's best to set an appointment and then just not go or cancel at the last moment.  That way you have a doctor's name, and the "ailment" you may or may not have to refer to for your excuse.
2. Family Emergency - Using this excuse to miss a meeting is wonderful.  Why? Because this could mean anything, from a dog being sick, to a child's allergic reaction to peanuts.  It encompasses a lot, and can be used multiple times, but keep in mind you need to vary the emergency.  You can't have a busted water heater two weeks in a row.  That would look a bit "fishy".
3. Customer/Client Appointment - Another great reason to miss a meeting because you're supposedly working, but in reality you are really on your way home.  Then if you're asked how did the appointment go, you simply say it was cancelled.  Technically, not a lie because you're the one who cancelled it. 
4. Child's Pageant/Show/Game/Teacher Conference etc. - Many managers have children so usually they understand this excuse for leaving.  Because for some reason they are actually trying to be good parents as well.  This works well especially if you have a lot of children,  because you can come up with various reasons for missing the meeting.  Don't abuse this one though...
5. Illness - Now this could be an illness that you might have like a cold, cough, the flu, or it could be a family member who is ill as well.  It's up to your discretion on how to spin this little yarn, but be sure not to over do it.  Otherwise, people will be wondering how you were able to recover from malaria in a day or two.

I know that a lot of people who will read this might think, "Oh why should I make up an excuse to miss a meeting?  Isn't lying just wrong?"

Not in this case.  What's wrong is that meetings are being done more for the benefit of managers as a forum to reprimand and punish employees rather than being constructive and offering tools for your success. 

And remember the words of the immortal George Costanza, "It's not a lie, if you believe it."

Have a great day selling!

-M