It's that time of year again! The time for employees to be drunk, managers to be in a funk, and CEO's to either pass or flunk. It's time for another National Meeting. For the last 15 years I have attended many meetings, seminars, regional meetings, local meetings, but each year this is the highlight or rather lowlight of my job. I get to spend hour upon hour with people I work with, some of whom I actually like, and be surrounded by many people I seriously don't like, all in the effort to bring us together as a team. A chorus of "team, team, team, team" will be heard throughout the hotel conference center, and we will do all kinds of team building exercises to strengthen our "relationships". And by "relationships" I mean that some of us actually know each other's full name. Other than that, we really have no clue as to each others personal lives. For those of you who know more about your fellow employees than just a name, then kudos to you!
Personally, I would prefer the classic chant from the movie "Meatballs", with Bill Murray leading a chorus of "It just doesn't matter! It just doesn't matter! It just doesn't matter!" This rings more true than anything at these crazy annual get togethers. None of it really matters...but it is extremely amusing! Whomever plans these large National Meetings is either painfully misguided, intellectually disabled, or just likes to torture poor innocent employees, by putting them together in a meeting place and making them do embarrassing things with people they don't know or they don't like. Here are some more amusing things about the Annual National Meeting:
- We Get To Do A Talent Show! - Are you fucking kidding me? Who the hell thought of this painful and embarrassing act for all of us to fumble through. I guess it's meant to harbor unity and get people to work together for a common goal when all it really does is bring out the diva in all of the participants. Moreover, it's incredibly embarrassing for those of us who lack talent. Unbelievably there are some people who work in corporations who always wanted to sing, or play guitar, and be a rock star, and so this gives all the tone deaf losers a chance to repeat their high school failures and play "Jack and Diane". I have been to 3 National Meetings where the CEO got up on stage to provide "entertainment" with a couple of other musically inclined employees. I don't know if I was entertained but I was certainly amused as they fumbled through U2, Tom Petty, and Beatles tunes. I wanted to perforate my eardrums after the first note, but instead I decided the best course of action was to poke fun at them and point out their flaws. This didn't exactly work out terribly well for my career advancement, but I did enjoy myself.
- Team Building Exercises - "Hey everybody we're going to build a boat! And the team whose boat floats the longest will each get a Starbucks gift card! Isn't that great!" These were the exact words I heard at one meeting where they decided that it was best to mix all the participants into different teams. It was done so that we could get to know each other better and work with someone other than people in our region. So I got to work with all types of different people and came back with an even worse opinion of different parts of the country. We all had to come up with a concept for a boat made of cardboard and packing tape and then try to sale this fucking leaky tugboat around a makeshift pool. First of all, none of us had any Viking heritage in our blood, so we were at a distinct disadvantage. Secondly, everyone wanted to lead the team, with the exception of me who just wanted to stand and laugh at all the effort people were making just for a $25 gift card. It took forever for us to construct this ugly boat and finally, since my team had a combined IQ of 160, our ship never sailed...it sank. Everyone thought it was hilarious, but it wasn't funny for the poor Captain, ME, who ended up getting wet. However I didn't go down with the ship, I jumped out of the pool before it went under. And can someone again explain how this activity is helpful? Is it necessary? I'm sure it was funny to everyone else, but to me this kind of stuff is really unnecessary. Why couldn't we build a hot dog stand, or reconstruct an Irish pub, or create a giant Ice Cream Sunday? That would be a lot more fun and much more enjoyable.
- Company Skits - I have seen some bad theater in my day. In fact, I can remember a community performance of "Mice and Men" where a dog took center stage because it would not leave the stage and had to be dragged by it's leash, exit stage right. However, nothing is quite so bad as people who don't act for a living, performing a company skit. These carefully or hastily prepared skits are more difficult to watch than "Sharknado". Usually they involve a company cheer, some dancing, and some awkward acting. On occasion the CEO will participate and pull some reluctant contributors up on stage to help him/her with the skit, and it always turns in to a big mess and a corporate "rah rah" session. I enjoy for my company, but do we really need an SNL moment to remember how fortunate we are? NO! Lorne Michaels would cancel his show immediately if he saw what type of buffoonery was being performed in corporate meeting rooms across the nation. Leave the acting to actors please...
- Our Meeting Has A Theme!- Who thought of this brilliant idea? Themes for annual meetings is absolutely absurd. I do understand that a corporate vision needs to be conveyed, but isn't that what a Mission Statement is all about? Ask any corporate employee, other than the person who conceived of the them, what the them of last years annual meeting was, and they will not be able to tell you. Guaranteed! They will be able to look it up, and then tell you, but off the top of their head, they won't know it. So why the hell do we need a theme? And the slogans are so corny. "Let's Soar Like Eagles in 2011!", or "Be The Best You Can Be In 2006!". If they wanted a true theme it should be "I Could Use A Drink Right Now!" , "Everyone Loves Midgets!", or "None Of Us Wants To Be Here!" That would be an honest and genuine theme, because even the CEO doesn't truly want to be at the National Meeting.
- Awards Dinners - I think these events are wonderful for recognizing people who have done well throughout the year. But do all of us really need to be reminded what a fucking asshole Scott is and how he cheated to win Rep of the Year? It seems that all these things do is just piss off and alienate the other employees in the room. And I even won an award this year, but my initial reaction when they called my name was, "What the fuck?". It's embarrassing and it seemed like everyone in the room was mumbling something envious. I don't want envy, I want respect. Put my name in a memo and that's enough recognition for me. I can remember one year when my team was set to take every major award and corporate cancelled the awards ceremony due to profit restrictions. Did I care? Nope. As long as they gave my team some type of monetary prize, I didn't give a damn if people saw us up on a stage. I want to be recognized for being a great team player, not a jerk who has to "fudge" the numbers to win recognition. Plus all the people who don't win an award just get drunk and talk shit about all the people who did. It's disturbing more than rewarding.
More on the Annual Meeting in the next post.
Have a great day selling!
-M
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