We've all worked with one jackass or another that always has to top the story that you're telling with one of their own. As if anything you do, they can do better. Like Betty Hutton in "Annie Get Your Gun".
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WO23WBji_Z0&feature=related
I love that video, but these people don't necessarily have to be colleagues either, they can be friends, classmates, or even relatives. The worst ones are always going on about what they did, or who they saw. It's just so annoying. And with these types of people who are so into themselves, you should NEVER,NEVER,NEVER, confirm their friend request on facebook. You are just asking for stupid updates every 5 minutes from them about what they're doing, where, they're going, etc. Do I give a shit if you're at Starbucks or Coffee Bean? NO!
So I ran into an old colleague of mine from years back, he was actually interviewing for a position with the same company as I was interviewing. He was just sitting in the lobby when I walked in and registered for my own interview. He had always been a "Topper" and despite the 5 years in which we hadn't seen each other, he was still exactly the same. Full of shit. As we sat in the lobby waiting for our respective H.R. interviewers he asked me what I was up to:
"I'm obviously working in medical sales the same as you."
" Oh right. Yeah I'm killing it right now. I'm making so much money it's crazy. I'm only here because they're supposed to make me a great offer."
"Oh really? That's great."
" Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'll get this job.", he said and the receptionist who was obviously listening looked over at us.
" Good for you. How is Kim doing?", I asked referring to his fiancee, who assumed he had married, but this was years ago and I couldn't be sure.
" She's good. I guess. We got divorced, but now I'm dating this super hot model chick. Here's her picture.", he pulled out his wallet and showed me what looked to be a picture of Joanna Krupa but cut out from a magazine or ad. I think I could even see the top of the caption, but I didn't say anything.
" That's who you're dating? That looks like Joanna Krupa. The famous lingerie model?" I said with an air of incredulity.
" Oh yeah she get's that a lot. She's super hot huh? Much hotter than Kim."
" I thought Kim seemed like a nice girl."
" She was nice. But not the girl for me. I'm going places so I need someone on my arm that makes me look good."
" Yeah sure I guess."
" Dude you're still the same. Probably still married.", he said and then laughed. As if being married was a joke or something. "You still driving a Honda?"
I kept trying to to think why was I even talking to this idiot? This person who was obviously full of himself and full of crap. Why waste my time? But then I decided to mess with him.
"Nope. I'm driving an Audi now. It's my company car? What about you?"
" Really? An Audi? My company car is a Porsche. It's that grey one outside.", he seemed a bit irritated I had upgraded my means of transportation.
" I didn't see a Porsche outside when I pulled up?"
" Oh it's out there. So are you still married? How's that going?"
" Nope. It was rough, but I got through it. I'm dating someone right now. Great girl but she travels a lot."
" My girl doesn't travel at all. She's there for me whenever I need her. Great girl. Great girl. Ya got a picture of your lady?"
" No I don't sorry. But you've probably seen her before, she's always on TV."
" What? Get outta here. Seriously? She an actress or something? Wait don't tell me. It's Betty White?", he said and laughed at his own joke.
" Awww, I don't want to talk it.", I said but I was stalling for time, since unlike him I didn't have a pre planned web of lies at my disposal. So as I was trying to gather my thoughts, I saw a few magazines on the table and picked out the first girl I saw. It was kind of a stretch, but I decided if he pushed me; I'd give him her name. And naturally, he pushed.
" Oh what?! You can't throw that out there and not tell me. Who is she?"
" That's not important dude. She's pretty famous, but a lot of people don't really like her."
" Your not gonna tell me? Why not? Don't hold out now."
" I'm a little embarrassed."
" Why is she ugly or something. It's not that fat chick from Bridesmaids is it?"
" No it's not the funny girl from Bridesmaids. And no she's not ugly. She's beautiful. It's just she's not exactly my type, but I just met her at a party with a few friends and we hit it off."
As I said this, I could see it was driving him nuts, and he was planning his next move to trump my new girlfriend.
" Your type? Your type? Dude, you were married! C'mon tell me. I won't tell anyone."
" Alright her names Kim. She recently got divorced and she was married to an NBA player."
His faced curled up for a moment, as if he was thinking very hard, and then I saw that he had an epiphany.
" Kim Kardashian? Get the fuck outta here.", and as he said this the receptionist looked up. "Sorry.", he said just to not make him self look bad.
" Yep. She's actually not as dumb as you think. I was at a party in Glendale and I guess she grew up with these people and we started talking and she thinks I'm funny so..."
" No friggin way dude. Kim Kardashian! You are messing with me."
" No I'm not dude. I swear. It's nothing serious though. We just starting seeing each other. 3 or 4 dates is all."
" Wow! Well we know how she is in bed.", he said and started to laugh. I didn't get it, but then I remembered Kim Kardashian had a sex tape.
" Oh right.", I said and chuckled.
Just then both of our interviewers came into the lobby and introduce themselves. I guess we were interviewing for 2 different divisions of the same company. We rose from our chairs, and I turned and shook his hand.
" Good luck." , I said and smiled.
" You too. Kim Kardashian huh?", obviously he was perplexed and couldn't figure out how to top my new love interest.
" Yep." I said and smiled again. "Lucky me."
" Well c'mon M, she's not THAT hot.", he said, and I couldn't believe it. He was gonna insult my new lady friend, and try to "top" me in the process. So as we each started to follow our interviewers down the hall, and came to a fork in the hallway, I sent him a parting shot.
" Oh yes she is, and I can show you a REAL picture of her.", I said and then laughed.
He tried to say something but I just turned and walked down the hallway, knowing that I'd just topped... "The Topper".
Have a great day selling!
-M
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